scrapping with some girls on the bus in elementary school. I didn’t like these girls because they always chased me on the playground and I thought one of them was stealing my boyfriend.
them: “ha, your ears have their own gravitational pull.”
me, pointing to the leader of the girls: “and she doesn’t?”
I made a joke about pooping while out at a pool bar with my mom, her bf, and their neighbor who had a crush on me. Everyone laughed except my mom, who FREAK THE F OUT about how I embarrassed her in front of everyone at the bar (no one else there heard what I said. We went back and forth for a minute, but she was still berating me.
My reply? “Mom. Everyone poops. They wrote a book about it.”
She made us all leave after that.
More of a come back than an insult, but I’m still proud of it.
I used to get made fun of by a group of chav girls at my school who hated me for being a nerd. One day in a civics class (what we called PSE) we watched a video about trade unions and there was a woman mopping the floor of a factory or something. I turned to my tormenters and said “You should really be taking notes, girls, because that’s what you’ll be doing for the rest of your lives.”
They went mental and got kicked out of the classroom. It still makes me chuckle. 😂
Being told I was a leach by my father and I was only 15. I don’t remember the reason but it doesn’t matter because it just shows what kind of person he is.
I grew up in a small town (2 by 2 square miles) and had a paper route from 11-14 years old, where I made my own money until my parents moved me to another city miles away – where paper routes were handled by adults and the closest store was a good two miles away.
A friend of mine went the theatre to see Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. There was a woman behind us that wouldn’t shut up. We kept nicely asking her to just watch the movie, but that only seemed to embolden her to talk louder. My friend had enough and said: “If your c@#t is as big as your mouth, you must be able to f#ck yourself with a baseball bat”. Forty years later and I still remember it like it was yesterday. Oh, and yes – she finally shut up.
Teaching the neighbours’ kid to refer to his teacher as a catamite is up there for sure. Insults somehow work better if you’ve got to Google them before finding out how offended to get.
Not mine, but I heard a kid say this to his brother and it made me chuckle: “you’re such a loser that if there was a contest for losing you would come in second” 😂
Foreigner in the US, here. I was already fluent when I arrived and got called cockbreath within the year of arriving. Having never heard it before I was more elated than angry over getting my vocabulary so pleasantly expanded.
I was with a freind and we were doing karaoke, after he’d finished a song, i mentioned that i had heard cats fuck with better rhythm that he has.. also he told a joke at a little drinks night we had, when he’d finished i told him if he searched the word hilariousl in the dictionary, that he’d find a picture of him……
(Pause)
..watching someone who’s hilarious.
We love to roast each other.. he got some beautis on me also but i’m sure if he sees this post, he’ll tell them.
A cop aggressively cut the bike lane almost causing me to crash into his car, to give me a ticket for missing a reflector on the back wheel. I had just changed it after damage and forgot to move the reflector. The bike had appropriate reflectors on the front wheel and frame.
After I got the ticket I asked “Is this how you envisioned your job when you wanted to become a police officer?”
Had one of the neighbor kids who we didn’t hang out with because he was way younger then us and didn’t really fit in, his mom had these bulging eyes and she yelled at us we were the kids from the trashy side of the neighborhood, i called her a big eyed bitch, still don’t regret it, still never hung out with her kid
A guy I was in a flirtmance with had been relatively freshly divorced. He started off amazing. Funny, smart, just ticking all the right boxes. Then he started to become irritated a lot and we would have little bickering here and there. Then we had a mutual acquaintance who was busted doing some pretty low things. He was very adamant about staying friends with her and even said he admired her! Last thing I ever said to him was “I’m starting to understand why your wife divorced you!”
I was out with my buddy at an archery range. I had never shot a bow before, missing the target with every shot at about 25 yards. He says to me, “You couldn’t hot water if you fell out of a boat!” He was joking and we both had a laugh, but I’ll always remember that.
Once I was going to Portugal for a vacation and the customs guy implied that I might be a sex worker (they think all Brazilians are). When he saw I was american, he apologised. Then I was so infuriated that I told him he was a bad person and that I would do great things and he would be a pathetic customs agent all his life.
A friend of mine wanted to move and I made the statement that 2 of my friends and I was looking for apartments and if they would like to join in with us we would make a 2 bedroom work out (guys in one an females in another ) and he was great with the idea . Next thing I know he was on a bus heading this way . I picked him up and told him I had no place to put him as I was living with my mother until we found a place . He got mad and called me a cold hearted bi**h because he told him mom and she kicked him out and had no place to go . And I was actually lost for words at this point
Four of us out of my senior class took the primarily self-paced physics class offered as an elective. One fine day about a month or so before graduation, we were helping the teacher set up the lab for her freshman classes.
Gary picked up one of the tuning forks we were laying out, pranged it on the lab table, pointed it at Barbie, then clamped down on the end to make it sing louder.
“Ooh. A dummy detector.”
Everybody except me and Barbie cracked up and scattered, trailing laughter. The two of us just stood there, watching everyone run off laughing, then looked at each other. I can’t remember what she tried to fire back, just that whatever it was didn’t land.
She’d been a pain in my (and most people’s) ass for seven years. She’d only gotten worse our Senior year as the competition for Valedictorian sharpened. And watching her try again and again to “pay me back” for that last month before graduation kind of killed whatever guilt I might have potentially felt.
Asking a woman (and her husband) to leave my home because she would not look nor speak to me at a dinner party for four. He was kind and tried to make up for her behavior, but I wasn’t having it. I can be ignored and rudely treated in other spaces, but never in my own home.
Had a boyfriend and his mom didn’t like me. She was always trying to get him to date prettier girls that she liked more. Anyways, she dressed as a witch for Halloween and I told him “you mom makes a good bitch!”
Just you know switching the w and b.. he was shocked and I felt a little free
Common Customer Service technique I use: Customer is ranting and yelling on the phone and I don’t say anything or try to interrupt. Then when they pause and ask if I’m still there, I say “Yes, I was just waiting for you to finish.” Takes the wind out of their sails every. time.
Comments
you’re a poopy head
When employees insult me at the office, I don’t mind, but when it’s their turn to be insulted, they sit quietly with a pout
I heard a journeyman tell his apprentice
“Boy, the best part of you ran out and down your mamas leg. Gah dang. Your daddy had been better off shooting you off into an ole coal bucket”
I fell to the ground laughing
You’re the reason they put directions on shampoo bottles.
[deleted]
Jeremy Clarkson: “When I first met you, your were ugly. Now, I still think you’re ugly”
James May: “A crushing crticism from one so handsome”
Some people should have been swallowed instead of fertilised…
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
scrapping with some girls on the bus in elementary school. I didn’t like these girls because they always chased me on the playground and I thought one of them was stealing my boyfriend.
them: “ha, your ears have their own gravitational pull.”
me, pointing to the leader of the girls: “and she doesn’t?”
they never bullied me again.
My boss said “did anyone tell you you’re doing a good job today?” I said no. He said why do you think that is!? And walked away.
I am waiting for the day I get to say it to his face, without using a carrier service.
“You’re not as important as you think you are.”
You are as useful as Anne Franks drum kit.
I made a joke about pooping while out at a pool bar with my mom, her bf, and their neighbor who had a crush on me. Everyone laughed except my mom, who FREAK THE F OUT about how I embarrassed her in front of everyone at the bar (no one else there heard what I said. We went back and forth for a minute, but she was still berating me.
My reply? “Mom. Everyone poops. They wrote a book about it.”
She made us all leave after that.
More of a come back than an insult, but I’m still proud of it.
My buddy dated a fat chick. When they broke up he said that she was “bigger than his future” this was in high school and he dropped out that year 😂
“I know you’re sorry, now apologize to me”
I used to get made fun of by a group of chav girls at my school who hated me for being a nerd. One day in a civics class (what we called PSE) we watched a video about trade unions and there was a woman mopping the floor of a factory or something. I turned to my tormenters and said “You should really be taking notes, girls, because that’s what you’ll be doing for the rest of your lives.”
They went mental and got kicked out of the classroom. It still makes me chuckle. 😂
I wasn’t wrong either!
You’re a scrum master
You will not do any better in life
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
“You’re an illiterate redneck shit stain.”
Being told I was a leach by my father and I was only 15. I don’t remember the reason but it doesn’t matter because it just shows what kind of person he is.
I grew up in a small town (2 by 2 square miles) and had a paper route from 11-14 years old, where I made my own money until my parents moved me to another city miles away – where paper routes were handled by adults and the closest store was a good two miles away.
“You’re such noo noo head” – Algie NPC from the game bully
“You wouldn’t know how to pour water out of a boot even if the instructions were on the heel.”
Once at a job a balding woman who was a repeat serial Karen finally came through my register and really started causing issues.
She started cussing me out up and down so I said “Why don’t you act like your hair line and reseed from my register”
She doesn’t come through my lines now and the minor write up was worth it.
A friend of mine went the theatre to see Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. There was a woman behind us that wouldn’t shut up. We kept nicely asking her to just watch the movie, but that only seemed to embolden her to talk louder. My friend had enough and said: “If your c@#t is as big as your mouth, you must be able to f#ck yourself with a baseball bat”. Forty years later and I still remember it like it was yesterday. Oh, and yes – she finally shut up.
Someone says gay to a person, “im straighter than the pole your mother dances on”
Teaching the neighbours’ kid to refer to his teacher as a catamite is up there for sure. Insults somehow work better if you’ve got to Google them before finding out how offended to get.
“You have a chocolate chip face (freckles) and french fry heir (reddish blond)”
Your momma should have ripped you out with a clothes hanger
Your absence is a blessing
You’ve got two brain cells and both of them are fighting for third place
Not mine, but I heard a kid say this to his brother and it made me chuckle: “you’re such a loser that if there was a contest for losing you would come in second” 😂
“You’re like a software update — always popping up, never useful.”
Black holes envy your density
i would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
I could sugarcoat this for you, but you would eat this too.
Most of the time the first one. I have some friends i can do the second one with. I’m overweight too. So it’s give and take.
To a Ajax fan: dirty Jew (Ajax fans call themselves the Jews)
“You don’t get paid enough to act this entitled” Back of house worker to a front of house server.
Foreigner in the US, here. I was already fluent when I arrived and got called cockbreath within the year of arriving. Having never heard it before I was more elated than angry over getting my vocabulary so pleasantly expanded.
I’m sure whatever you have to say can wait until you’re smarter.
I was with a freind and we were doing karaoke, after he’d finished a song, i mentioned that i had heard cats fuck with better rhythm that he has.. also he told a joke at a little drinks night we had, when he’d finished i told him if he searched the word hilariousl in the dictionary, that he’d find a picture of him……
(Pause)
..watching someone who’s hilarious.
We love to roast each other.. he got some beautis on me also but i’m sure if he sees this post, he’ll tell them.
“You look like something that crawled out of the abortion bucket”
Don’t you have any pride?
‘Shut up, you look like a crocodile with downs syndrome’ – classmate to me, 2019
Yo Mama!
You have a face for radio and a voice for novels
A cop aggressively cut the bike lane almost causing me to crash into his car, to give me a ticket for missing a reflector on the back wheel. I had just changed it after damage and forgot to move the reflector. The bike had appropriate reflectors on the front wheel and frame.
After I got the ticket I asked “Is this how you envisioned your job when you wanted to become a police officer?”
Still feels good.
Had one of the neighbor kids who we didn’t hang out with because he was way younger then us and didn’t really fit in, his mom had these bulging eyes and she yelled at us we were the kids from the trashy side of the neighborhood, i called her a big eyed bitch, still don’t regret it, still never hung out with her kid
A guy I was in a flirtmance with had been relatively freshly divorced. He started off amazing. Funny, smart, just ticking all the right boxes. Then he started to become irritated a lot and we would have little bickering here and there. Then we had a mutual acquaintance who was busted doing some pretty low things. He was very adamant about staying friends with her and even said he admired her! Last thing I ever said to him was “I’m starting to understand why your wife divorced you!”
I had a science teacher when I lived in France as teenager that would call us the degeneration of human race (which sounds more insulting in French)
No, no, no, you’re supposed to under promise and over deliver.
<sigh>
I’m saying you consistently set low expectations… and fail to achieve them.
<sigh>
Darling, you’re not pretty enough to be that stupid.
…
Wisdom is chasing you, but as always, you manage to outrun it.
Well, nevertheless, if they can make penicillin out of moldy bread then they can surely make something worthwhile out of you… eventually.
You’re the load your mother should have swallowed
I like starting like I’m going to help but just stop. “Look, we all know Mike can be a pain in the ass…” sip coffee.
I don’t know who you think you are, but you’re not.
Have you lost your mind? I’ll help you find it. -Stanley from The Office
Drew Carey in his first season with TPIR: “Five years of college down the drain.”
You look like you smell bad.
I have insulted Abrahamic religions a lot. I have never and will never regret it.
“You’re about as sure footed as a one-legged mountain goat.” Said to my ex girlfriend the first (and last) time we went hiking.
I was out with my buddy at an archery range. I had never shot a bow before, missing the target with every shot at about 25 yards. He says to me, “You couldn’t hot water if you fell out of a boat!” He was joking and we both had a laugh, but I’ll always remember that.
My ex was whining about something I allegedly did, I finally said, “pick up the pieces of your broken life and move on!”
I’m crazy, cause I am workaholic
“You are impossible to underestimate.”
My mate was showing me a song, and I said “it sounds like royalty free music”
Once I was going to Portugal for a vacation and the customs guy implied that I might be a sex worker (they think all Brazilians are). When he saw I was american, he apologised. Then I was so infuriated that I told him he was a bad person and that I would do great things and he would be a pathetic customs agent all his life.
Your self-esteem is way higher than it deserves to be.
A friend of mine wanted to move and I made the statement that 2 of my friends and I was looking for apartments and if they would like to join in with us we would make a 2 bedroom work out (guys in one an females in another ) and he was great with the idea . Next thing I know he was on a bus heading this way . I picked him up and told him I had no place to put him as I was living with my mother until we found a place . He got mad and called me a cold hearted bi**h because he told him mom and she kicked him out and had no place to go . And I was actually lost for words at this point
Judge Judy, “what you TRIED to do and what you accomplished are two different things!”
Four of us out of my senior class took the primarily self-paced physics class offered as an elective. One fine day about a month or so before graduation, we were helping the teacher set up the lab for her freshman classes.
Gary picked up one of the tuning forks we were laying out, pranged it on the lab table, pointed it at Barbie, then clamped down on the end to make it sing louder.
“Ooh. A dummy detector.”
Everybody except me and Barbie cracked up and scattered, trailing laughter. The two of us just stood there, watching everyone run off laughing, then looked at each other. I can’t remember what she tried to fire back, just that whatever it was didn’t land.
She’d been a pain in my (and most people’s) ass for seven years. She’d only gotten worse our Senior year as the competition for Valedictorian sharpened. And watching her try again and again to “pay me back” for that last month before graduation kind of killed whatever guilt I might have potentially felt.
Your head is as sharp as a pencil eraser
Asking a woman (and her husband) to leave my home because she would not look nor speak to me at a dinner party for four. He was kind and tried to make up for her behavior, but I wasn’t having it. I can be ignored and rudely treated in other spaces, but never in my own home.
Had a boyfriend and his mom didn’t like me. She was always trying to get him to date prettier girls that she liked more. Anyways, she dressed as a witch for Halloween and I told him “you mom makes a good bitch!”
Just you know switching the w and b.. he was shocked and I felt a little free
Common Customer Service technique I use: Customer is ranting and yelling on the phone and I don’t say anything or try to interrupt. Then when they pause and ask if I’m still there, I say “Yes, I was just waiting for you to finish.” Takes the wind out of their sails every. time.