Last June my boyfriend had an accident at work where he cut is hand in half diagonally leaving him with half his ring finger and pinky on his right hand. He is now really struggling. Before he was a generally depressed guy but I can’t think of many times I saw him really angry and I have known him in some capacity for over 10 years. He is still deep into that depression but ever since this accident he is very often completely enraged and can flip over anything. Generally it comes from either his inability to do something because of the hand or he will gradually get worked up about the unfairness of his life and flip. I’ve been able to put up with this for a while but yesterday I basically shouted at him and told him to shut up and that I’m sick of his outbursts. He went completely crazy at me (not physically he’s never done that) but he implied that because I had been unhappy with him wanting to quit his job where this happened that I was partly responsible. I really don’t think this is fair to say to me and really makes me feel awful. I have thought about it before but honestly I don’t feel that I’m at fault I more care that this is something that he has felt for a while. The way he said it was like a bottled up moment and it was clear from how precise and quickly he was talking about it that it has been on his mind for a while. To be clear I work full time the same as he did and I have not even brought up him getting a job since his accident. Plus he only wanted to quit out of not enjoying it and finding it tedious not out of fears for his safety. After this argument I’m feeling pretty uncared for and just annoyed. For weeks I found myself scrunching up my face and almost covering my ears when he has an outburst and even though these are very rarely directed at me I still find it a bit scary. I’m honestly considering a split but I know how it will make him feel and people in my life will probably view me badly considering the circumstances so I’m not sure what to do or what I truly want to do.
Comments
it’s his hand tell him to get therapy or you’re ditching his ass
Sometimes you just can’t help someone out no matter how hard you try. If he doesn’t have a good support system outside of your relationship, it may get worse. Look after yourself most of all. Good luck.
He needs to work on himself. He’s not datable right now. You can continue to suffer or take a break from him.
“Plus he only wanted to quit out of not enjoying it and finding it tedious not out of fears for his safety.” Yeah I can’t imagine why he would want to quit his job at the place he lost 2 of his fingers at, why would you get unhappy for that??
It’s a hard situation but he is taking his anger out on you. It was his mistake and you are paying for it. If you’re not too tied up with property and finances, it will be easier to have a talk with him and say you need to break up or need space. That might make him rethink his anger or give you a chance to get away. Think long term too. Do you really want to deal with his outbursts for the next 50 or so years?
>Generally it comes from either his inability to do something because of the hand or he will gradually get worked up about the unfairness of his life and flip.
Put your self in his place & you would be doing just the same . He is down in the dumps , still trying to cope with it . But He is NOT coping with the now disability he has now about it . He is struggling with daily tasks at times , he is now having to come to terms with this disability which is affecting him also mentally & physically . No he should NOT be lashing out in anger & fear but he is . HE is NOT coping with it .
>He wanted to quit previously like in the months leading up to it. He hasn’t worked since the accident and I wouldn’t expect him to go back into that line of work.
Yes it is best he does prob NOT go back to the line of work . He is already NOT coping mentally with it all . So needs a fresh start & new place to do this in . Maybe also say his accident might have been maybe also to NOT liking his job eg- maybe he was not paying attention like he should of been or distracted . Hense why this also might be adding to his guilt , shame & anger about it all . He needs to talk to a therapist about it all . He is frustrated , angry about it ( rightly so ) & also is not coping at all . It is hurting him inside . He is lashing out at you wrongly also .
Therapy
Missing fingers does not give your boyfriend license to be an emotional terror to live with. Tell him that you don’t think you’re responsible, because he wanted to quit due to lack of enjoyment of the job, and not out of fear for his safety. It was an accident. Let him know that in the long-term, his outbursts is a deal breaker, and he needs to process and deal with this in better ways, maybe with help of a therapist. Let him know if the outbursts continue, that he would need to leave, out of concern for your own well being.