Need to vent somewhere… especially since my cousin (32f) that I normally discuss these things with seems to be in complete disagreement with me.
tl:dr; broke up with gf (27f) of 9 months after discovering her true body count, 34, when we kept bumping into guys in public that she had slept with. (I have a very limited amount of past sexual partners by choice as it is my personal belief that it correlates to infidelity and desensitizes ability to have deep romantic connection)
Ok, some necessary back story. I grew up in extreme poverty / abusive household which resulted in me pursuing financial security above all else from a very young age.
This meant working virtually every minute I wasn’t in school from the time I was like 15.
By 27, I was quite well off financially with two businesses. This was the first time I picked my head up, looked around, and realized I should be finding a life partner.
However, finding the RIGHT partner proved to be more difficult than I imagined.
Throughout the years, hookup opportunities presented themselves but I never saw any of them as worthwhile if I didn’t see a future with the girl. Also, them being so forward unfortunately impacted how I viewed them and killed my attraction to them.
An unintended consequence of my business pursuits was having crazy discipline. Things like fitness, diet, health (bloodwork, vitamin panels, etc)… as well as abstaining from cheap dopamine.
Whereas many guys my age seem to be dead set on some blind pursuit of sex with no attachments, I tend to view that no differently than porn, drugs, masturbation, gambling, endlessly binging of nonsense content, or stuffing your face with high fructose corn syrup.
I don’t intend to sound high and mighty, but keep in mind that until now my entire life was about showing restraint from things that “feel good” and cheap thrills that all of humanity seems to be chasing. (My parents’ drug addiction influenced this.)
Anyways, one day I’m at a work event and bump into this awesome girl and everything just clicks.
We get to chatting. One coffee date turns into two. Then we had a picnic. Then a drive-in movie theater date. Things were going well and I’m on cloud 9 thinking I found the one. Damn I was happy at this point.
To not screw things up, I start putting all the cards on the table about my views, my past, etc. Of course with the exception of my wealth (I wasn’t going to disclose this until the time is right for obvious reasons. I hide it very well and don’t own anything flashy).
We have an honest discussion about life, goals, everything. This is when the whole body count thing comes up. I didn’t want to kill the vibe by bringing it up but the conversation naturally went there. She even sort of took the lead on that one.
I mention how I’ve had “one handful” of partners in my life and it was always with intentions of long-term partnership. She says we’re pretty much the same on that front. (Turned out to be a lie).
Fast forward months later and we’re dating, having the time of our lives.
Then one day, we’re at a coffee shop where one half is a co-working space. In the co-working section there is a guy and I can immediately tell the two know each other but both are figuring out whether to say hello.
An awkward interaction takes place and she basically just briefly chats with him and then we leave. I ask her about it but she doesn’t say anything and just says it’s someone she knew “in passing”.
Anyways, I let it go. I’m not really the jealous type and have no reason to believe she is being disingenuous at this point.
TWO WEEKS go by and we are hanging out with some of her friends. Then, an uninvited guest stops by and everyone gets really odd. Her friends are looking at me and at her like there’s an inside joke that I am not in on.
Well it turns out that was another dude she had slept with before. At this point, I start putting two and two together so I confront her about it while the guy is still there. Since I can literally go up to him, she has no choice but to be honest for the first time.
My gut tells me it’s the same deal as coffee shop guy and there’s more to the story. She admits that yes, both of these guys are ex partners of hers. (Came to find out this was another lie since both were one night stands).
This whole thing blows up into a fight and opens up a can of worms. We go outside to talk and one of her friends comes outside to “check up on her”
Honestly, thank GOD her friend came. Because this friend is the only reason I end up finding the truth. She tries defending her and in doing so spills the tea. “So what does her sexual history matter?” and “the past is in the past”. The typical things.
Her friend then hits me with “you also probably slept with lots of people” and that supposedly “all men lie about body count” and so on.
So I’m dropping her off at her place and I flat out ask her, what is “lots”?
She says it’s “like 34”. My stomach just sinks. Months down the drain.
If she were just my friend or coworker or anyone else, I literally do not give a shit. Do whatever you want with your life and your body.
But after I explicitly told you my views. I was upfront about everything. Why lie. Why waste my time.
The whole thing became another fight and ultimately she settles on the conclusion that I’m a misogynist. That really set me off and I just told her I’m sorry if I handled the situation poorly but this was it for me.
She knew everything. About my parents drug use. About my phobia of STDs (I’m a bit of hypochondriac / germaphobe).
We discussed my views on this. I flat out told her that I believe that sleeping with that many people alters your ability to form deep emotional bonds and messes with expectations and significance of intimacy. (More likely to cheat / not an influence I would want for my future daughter / and so on).
I’m not saying everyone with a high body count is incapable of love or some B.S. like that. I just believe that emotional wiring can be influenced, if not REWIRED, by repeated casual encounters. Just like ANYTHING ELSE you do in excess in life.
I told her that to me, sex isn’t physical. It’s psychological, emotional, even spiritual. That if someone shared that level of closeness with that many people, time and time again, it’s not unreasonable to wonder if intimacy even means anything to them anymore.
Because if they have emotional detachment from sex, it’s not like that disappears the moment you enter into a relationship. Again, I may be wrong but my collective experience on this earth drove me to these conclusions.
The worst part of all is that I genuinely feel so god damn sad inside. I really fell for this girl. I’m just so conflicted. It is such a weird feeling because I am so thankful these things came to light now instead of years down the line. But this was such a gut punch.
What am I supposed to do now? Start over? Start from scratch? Like, how do people stay sane and not develop trust issues? Anyways I am just venting. Dating should not be this difficult. I avoid alcohol almost entirely but lately have been rethinking that choice.
Comments
You’re never gonna find someone where it’s ok to project all your judgement onto them.
Sheesh. I (female) have a much higher “body count” ( huge eye roll) than my partner. We’ve been married and faithful together for 36 years. You do what you feel you need to do but don’t get all poopy in the future when no one meets your expectations. We are all human and it’s such a dumb thing to judge people on. And yes, you sound extremely judgmental.
‘ it is my personal belief that it correlates to infidelity and desensitizes ability to have deep romantic connection’. Good luck, bro, GOOD LUCK. You’re gonna need shitload of it.
For me, the only valid point here is that you two don’t see sex the same way and this is a deal-breaker for you, which is fair. The other qualities you have attributed to her have a questionable association imo.
Has she ever cheated on a partner? Or just had some one night stands? Honestly, sex without feelings is possible. Sometimes you just need to let go of some stress and feel like company instead of masterbating. Did she sleep with all 30 guys in one year? Or spread out over 10 years?
You’re going to be single for a long time if you’re waiting for someone as virtuous as you at your age unfortunately
Good on you. Date someone with morals.
Lmao! Dudes (OP) not mature enough for a relationship. I couldn’t give 2 shits how many people my partner has slept with. Been together 20 years now. Move on from this body count bs
You deserve to be lonely if this is how you judge people. And no, the two are not related. You seem to have some growing up to do when it comes to emotional maturity and for the love of God stopped listening to Andrew Tate.
She was wrong for lying and keeping it ambiguous about how many people she’s slept with, when it was important for you to know.
She could have said she’s had a few flings, or a phase, worded it in some type of way to let you catch on.
I will say this:
I am a 30 year old woman and I don’t know how many people my partner has had before me, and he doesn’t know mine. I do not care to ask – its not my business and we are all consenting adults who have pasts.
If I did find out the number, whether it was 5 people, or 55 people – would it change how I feel about him? Absolutely not.
He would still be my amazing, loving, wonderful partner.
Discussing sexual health and test results, like when the person was last tested is key imo. Anything else is down to their discretion.
It’s okay for you to have standards but I think you’re projecting those standards too hard onto other people. Not everyone is going to be like you. If this girl is as amazing as you say she is, I think you need to have a sit with this and think it over.
Trust your gut brother, got a long life ahead of you and everything looking your way. Don’t let this get you down, you’ll have plenty of more opportunities. You sound very analytical with a good head on your shoulders. You have a boundary and she crossed it initiating with lies. It’ll just continue from there. Best of luck.
We gonna find you the ideal partner mate. 90 and has never touched a soul. Never drank, nor smoked, hasn’t been high, is a cloistered nun.
She is “better” than you, she’s done it far longer. Hence she’s ideal.
I’m going to put an /s here because you sound like you’re gonna need it.
The main issue isn’t the high body count. It’s the lies. You were upfront, and she misled you. Then she lied whenever she ran into someone from her past.
This could have been avoided altogether if she had been honest from the start. Maybe you never would have dated, or maybe she would have convinced you that she was serious about looking for something long-term.
You’ve messed up. Badly.
Not sure what’s going on in the comments. But if one of your standards are body count then whoever you’re dating with should know that. If they don’t respect it then… you know What to do (or not do).
From where I’m from that’s a completely valid reason to find someone else if it doesn’t work out. Not really a high demand tbf
If you guys have a misalignment of beliefs around sex that’s not the end of the world. But I think that maybe you should revisit your beliefs as they seem a bit extreme…
What you’re feeling isn’t really about her past. It’s about being the last to know, about seeing people around you react like they’re in on something you weren’t told. That hits different when you’ve built your whole life around control, discipline, and protecting yourself from chaos.
You’re not afraid of her body count, you’re afraid of being made a fool. Of trusting someone who misrepresented themselves. Of looking stupid for believing the story.
That doesn’t make you misogynistic necessarily, but it does mean you’re carrying a fear that goes deeper than sex. It’s about self-worth, pride, and growing up in an environment where safety was never a given. You’re not alone in that. Just don’t let it harden you.
You’re never gonna find the person to make you feel right about your own insecurity.
I think you need to seek therapy.
Your boundaries are valid and you’re entirely entitled to act as you see fit. The ‘logic’ behind them, and the way you allow your own issues to make connections between people’s pasts and their supposed future attributes is immature and stupid.
For your sake I hope I’m wrong but I expect you to look at this breakup, years down the line, and realize how much you likely wasted for all the wrong reasons.
You realise a whole lot of people will have past sexual partners when approaching their 30s
Rule number one: don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to. I never ask about body count because I just don’t want to know.
If infidelity is that important to you then ask about that! I always ask. But it doesn’t seem fair that you’d tie the two together as I just don’t think they are related.
there is nothing wrong with having a standards. but you probably gonna get tons of hate for this. seen this a lot. it’s completely fine for women to have standard and for them to leave their partner or not date someone who didn’t meet those standard. but when a man does it, they get called misogynist or incel.
It’s no big deal. Your loss my man.
Counterpoint, you have an outdated and misogynistic viewpoint.
It’s okay to have your own standards and views on sex. Absolutely 100% will not argue that.
What I will argue is that you have no basis other than your own hangups for the idea that multiple sexual partners impacts people the way you describe (seriously, more likely to cheat, lessened ability to form deep emotional bonds? Dude) and that you are negatively judging people for stupid and ridiculous reasons.
That’s your right to do so and I’m explicitly it arguing you are wrong to have those standards. Just that your viewpoint sucks and it’s sad that so many people like you still exist in freaking 2025.
Block her, move on.
Your willpower and principles are commendable. Move on and pick up the pieces later.
You’re a high value target who will find love when you least expect it. You’ll find someone who will appreciate you.
Everyone has a past, it’s up to you how you react to said past, and personally I think you reacted pretty poorly. What was it that prompted this reaction? Can you even identify the cause?
My fiance and I both lost count a long time ago, and we have a far deeper bond with each other than either of us have had in previous romantic relationships, and we’ve both known a lot of other people in the same boat as us, so your reasoning there is extremely flawed. It might be time to rethink your worldview, and maybe seek therapy for your germaphobia, not everyone who has slept around has been irresponsible about it and caught a disease. On the std note it’s perfectly reasonable to ask for a negative std panel before having sex with someone, just expect to do the same in return
I had a higher body count than my ex-husband when we met. I remained faithful to him for the 20 years we were together, and I haven’t slept or even spoken to another man since we split up. I now know he cheated 3 times. He also has a new girlfriend. So I personally don’t think these weird ass pseudoscience conclusions you’ve reached mean anything.
You can split with your gf for any reason. She’s a liar, and that trust is broken, so I get it, but the rest? I feel sad for you. Your requirements for a partner are (and have been) very difficult for anyone to live up to you.
Your life also sounds incredibly dull. As a child of addicts myself, I still don’t understand your reasoning. You 100% need therapy.
So many words just to say “I’m insecure and can’t handle that my girlfriend is a babe” this isn’t even about her doing anything to make u insecure either this is straight up you just having an issue with body counts which is genuinely so wild in 2025. Seriously dude. Grow up. I’m really glad your gf is single now lmfao this is just sad
It’s okay for people not to care and it’s okay for you to care. Don’t let nobody shame you into lowering your standards, you owe nobody sex or a relationship and it’s good you know what you want. Fuck everything else, you don’t even have to explain yourself dude.
You should probably talk to a professional about those beliefs of yours. Preferences are fine and all, but that’s a pretty extreme and unhealthy view to have
Posts like this just remind me people care too much about someone’s past to even see who their are presently enough to build a future. You focus so much on guys she USED to have sex with because you think something you have no proof of? Just what YOU think can be true but can’t prove? Yikes. Good luck dude.
I used to be concerned about viewpoints like yours. I wondered if something was wrong with me because of my high “body count.”
But nope….no trouble with emotional ties or fidelity and been with my partner for almost 10 years now, happily building our family. My partner doesn’t have as high a count as me, but he also doesn’t make sex out to always have to be some magical soul bond activity. We both think sex can be recreational.
So yea…the whole “rewiring” concept is bs in my experience. I simply can enjoy sex with or without feelings. I feel like guys get sort of jealous when you have a higher count because they didn’t get as much fun times. People feel threatened. I get that…but it’s a leap to project this idea that you’re some kind of sex addicted nympho that can’t choose not to have sex and is incapable of partnership. Just say you’re uptight about sex.
It sucks your ex wasted both y’all’s time. You two weren’t compatible. She should’ve seen that you were too judgy from the earlier conversations and just kept it moving.
Jesus Christ, you are annoying.
Honestly it just sounds like she’s ashamed of her past. It seems to me like maybe she wanted to start over her life. I’m not saying being lied to is okay but I understand why she would lie about it. If I had a lot of sexual partners I wouldn’t want anyone to know. I only have one sexual partner.
It sounds like the only thing it affected was YOUR ability to form a bond
I honestly don’t know why she would lie to keep you.
Hello, I’m a 27-year-old woman and I’ve always believed in what you’re saying. This way of thinking shaped how I lived. Many women I’ve met made different choices and the truth is, most of them didn’t realize back then what kind of impact it would have on them later. The consequences came with time. What stays is often shame and sadness over what they’ve done to themselves.
Because I truly believe this: there’s no greater tragedy for a woman than separating her sexuality from her emotionality. And sadly, it’s something many women bring upon themselves, not even knowing the cost.
Unfortunately, today’s culture will label you a misogynist. A lot of women will call you that. Don’t pay attention to it.
Your values just clashed with someone’s past. And maybe she knew it, and chose not to tell you the whole truth and that’s painful. But please don’t lose hope. You’re still young, and one day you’ll meet someone who shares your heart.
Sending you a virtual hug. This time will hurt, and that’s okay. Let it pass with gentleness. Something is ending so that something new can begin. It’s part of the process. You’ll be okay.
I disagree with a lot of your trauma induced beliefs BUT you’re allowed to have them. They’re only hurting you after all, since you don’t generalize past your current relationship
That being said, she 100% lied to you, manipulated you, stole your time from you (way more egregious than people realize), and then blamed you with assigning a fucked up label to make her feel justified
She’s not the woman you thought she is nor does she sound like a partner you should be with
But I think you also need therapy
LOL, this is funny. I’m glad you broke up with her, because she deserves a partner who wants to be with her for her… not some antiquated ideal that a woman’s worth is tied to her sexual past.
I have no idea how many people my husband has been with becausei don’t care… but we met in our early 40s, so. He’s my best friend and the most incredible partner, plus dude has plenty of experience in the bedroom so he knows exactly what to do.
Good luck on your quest for a pure wife!
You sound controlling asf. There was no need to give us your whole backstory and financial situation lol, you just wanted to build yourself up more so you could tear her down. No one needs to be asking body counts, unless you’re a virgin who wants a virgin, then a yes or no will do. Only people who are insecure as hell ask body counts, it’s not your business, period.
I think you made the right decision. Good luck. You will find her, the right partner is out there.
If you’re that inexperienced at your age & you’re looking for someone with a similar history you need to be VERY EXPLICIT about it. “I’m insecure about my past so I will judge you heavily on yours” would be a good way at to start.
Have fun being sanctimonious & alone.
You’re taking way too much shit so far from response.
You’re definitely allowed to have preferences.
For one … whether or not your associations are accurate, it is simply a preference of yours.
For two … she in essence proved your point for you. You’re associating high body count and character. It’s probably correlation and not causation necessarily…. But your ex had a high body count and thought it was a-ok to like to you about it despite it being clear what your views were. She only considered her feelings and not yours. And lied. Eek.
For three… probably at least part of your annoyance is your continued bumping into her “exs”. And her being shady af about it. Even someone they didn’t give two shits about body count would eventually be like “are these going to stop?”
For four… despite what everyone is telling your per Google AI, the average/median body count for a US female aged 25-44 is…. 4.2.
You do you. If other people have different views let them do them. If your views are antiquated so be it. If your associations are wrong (and tbh they are almost definitely so as a general rule… even though they may hold at times), so be it. You can’t help what you’re attracted to.
As for what to do? You were together for 9 months lol. Not years. Find someone whose views more closely align with yours. As noted they’re definitely out there.
Op, every comment that tells you “oh you’re making a big deal out of nothing” and the “past is the past”. Please ignore this advice, it does not come from a genuine place these people are more than likely in the same situation as your gf or happen to be dating someone like your gf and are projecting their own fears and insecurities. Everything you’re feeling is 100% completely valid. If you do not feel comfortable with continuing this relationship, you have more than a valid enough reason to do it.
As others have stated, it’s fine and even admirable to have strong beliefs, but when those beliefs stop you from connecting or going deeper with someone who by your own admission is a potential partner, you need to reassess. If you spouted off to her the way you are here, I can understand why she might have avoided being vulnerable and honest with you about her sexual past. I couldn’t imagine someone belittling me or treating me like I’m dirty because of a few dalliances in my youth. Grow up.
The past doesn’t (necessarily) impact the future unless you let it. I’d also suggest that being so forthright with your view on casual sex would have put her in a position where she couldn’t be honest about her real “number”.
I (f) have a body count significantly higher than your partner’s, thoroughly enjoyed casual sex, met my partner almost three years ago and, hand on heart, have literally not looked at or thought about another person since.
They offer me so much more than any anonymous fling and I wouldn’t risk that for the world. Additionally, neither of us have ever asked each other how many partners we’ve had, once you find “the person” it literally just doesn’t matter.
Fundamentally, you’re allowed to not see eye to eye on this and not want to continue, but you’re not allowed to make her feel bad about her past just because she did something you wouldn’t have.
Start over
i think maybe her lying was because she realised she had such a good vibe going with you but thought your views would immediately knock her off from having a chance, and so she was hoping to “prove you wrong?” in a sense? not trying to justify just maybe give insight to her POV, or maybe she regrets that phase in her life?
I was about to lump this guy in with other’s who harp on “bodycount,” but this really boils down to their incompatible philosophy on intimacy. That he was essentially lied by omission. Not a great start to a relationship,
You’re getting lit up because a switch flipped when you learned her number – now she’d be a bad mom, now she has cooties, etc. That’s the projecting that the comments are calling out.
Never seen so many divided people in these comments
It’s a personal choice. If this is a dealbreaker for you nobody had the right to tell you it’s not. We all have different values. I however do think that if you really love(d) her you should talk to her about it and see if you can get past it in any way. Some things you think she’s feeling are probably just not true. Those detached feelings about sex might have been gone a long time already or they could have disappeared when she met you. Even if you think it’s not true. Still, if you don’t want to talk about it, thats your choice of course and she has to respect that. Even if nobody one agrees.
I am sorry, even though you say you are not, you come across as extremely judgmental and jealous.
Which I think deep down you know this is true, because you are making excuse after excuse for being like this. No offense but your childhood poverty and later success making money does not give you any right to judge someone else’s moral character, that is an excuse. Same way you choose not to have many partners, for moralistic reason, purity, your offence at others using porn etc, these are excuses. Abstinence is a choice.
Her past is her business and you behavior is shamefully gaslighting her. Which is probably why your cousin and others don’t agree with you. She’s not cheated on you, fooled you, rubbed her past in your face, she lived a life that’s all.
You really need to do some work on yourself before dating anyone. Are you jealous she is sexually more mature, or a hypocrite because you slept with her too.
Sorry harsh truth, I am trying to be fair to the girl as she did nothing wrong.
Well, I guess it wouldn’t be fair for me to judge OP, since if I heard a guy using the phrase “high body count”, I’d get the ick immediately, too.
No, but seriously, I kinda can see where you are coming from and I wouldn’t necessary be delighted to hear my partner has had like 50 other sexual relationships… But I also wouldn’t ever ask this specific information, plus you just over all sound a bit stuck up person.
What you are supposed to do is just like with everything else in your life is update your beliefs now that you’ve learned, or at least have the opportunity to learn something new, which is to say everyone is different.
It’s fine that in your life experience up to this point you have learned to carry yourself a certain way based on on your experience to that point, now you have the chance to grow further by showing some grace and realizing that sex and making love can be two different things.
Are they for your now ex?…I don’t know, that’s something only you can decide.
I’m not going to berate you but try and get you to take a minute and re-evaluate some elements of your belief system that have lead you to this point.
The truth is, she’s not your parents, she’s not what created hardships for you, she’s something new, seemed to make you happy and fit what you are looking for long term.
We all have rules that we live by to obtain what we want in life and typically those rules and even the things we want change as we get older, they are fluid.
Now you have to decide if the potential future you envisioned with this woman is worth throwing away, more delayed gratification for you if you will, or if this is a situation that requires revisiting your rules.
Seems a waste to me to throw away what you previously saw as real potential, but I haven’t lived your life or trauma, but just realize that your past and your trauma is what’s dictating this decision, so how long do you carry that for when you’ve now reached a point where decisions made based on that are closing a door on potential happiness long term?
That’s something only you can really answer…are you ready to grow a bit more?
If she has been tested and is negative for STIs, a woman’s body count is none of your business. Get over yourself.
So you are allowed to have had sex before her but she is not allowed to have had sex before you?
Have you tried therapy?
Yeah your views are a little jaded. I get being upset about the last to know and her lying about it is extremely uncalled for and grounds to break it off.
However, your views on body count are a little extreme. I have a pretty high body count from both relationships and one night stands. I have never once cheated and never been “more likely to cheat” nor do I have issues with creating strong emotional bonds. I think your own personal views have deeply affected how you perceive how people with high body counts think and view relationships.
You’re entitled to your own viewpoint, but you are making a LOT of assumptions. If I were her, I’d feel insulted and judged too. Because that’s what you were doing. Clean it up with as pretty words as you like. It’s OK to have a disconnect in terms of beliefs. Less ok with the burgeoning superiority complex you’ve got going on.
This is a guy putting a stick in his own bike wheel and wondering why the crash hurt
jesus christ, she dodged a bullet.
You’re not compatible. Your world views are too different, especially when it comes to sex. End of story.
There is no morality judgment to be made here. The concept of morals is as fluid as all the cultures on earth and as varied.
People lie because of social pressures, guys can exaggerate the body count to seem experienced girls can understate it to seem more innocent. She probably lied because she really liked you and wanted a chance with you. If she said 34 when you first met her would you have even considered a relationship? Perhaps she worried you wouldn’t.
You should find out how she feels about you without assuming you can’t form a deep important relationship. What if you leave this amazing girl over something that doesn’t really matter
Your preference is your preference. The issue I have with the situation is the lying, not the body count.
I will say you sound EXHAUSTING. Saying this as a 50 year old woman who is happily married, your expectations are way too much and there seems to be little room for compromise. It’s a huge red flag. The humble brags are over the top.
I am 40, and grew up very similarly to you, worked my way out, and the idea of “body count” used to take up a lot of space in my head. I can honestly say I haven’t thought about it in at least 10 years, mine or anyone else’s. It simply does not matter.
That’s not to say that her lying about something that’s important to you is not a big deal, but I’d be looking back with a lot of regret today if I’d made it such a central issue.
I dont think you have to justify decisions based on your personal beliefs. As long as you aren’t hypocritical about it and upfront about your views, which seems to be the case, you did it right.
There are tons of shitty people out there. People who truly don’t seem to grasp that lying/manipulating to get what they want isn’t okay. I wish I had that knowledge much earlier in my dating life. Honest / kind hearted people tend to believe everyone else is too, and it’s a lesson we learn the hard way.
Next time you meet someone, do what you did, speak about your views, let her speak about hers, and give it time. Trust is not a yes/no thing, it’s something we build over time. Speak honestly about your views on body count, – with the caveat that you don’t set out to make people feel bad about their lifestyles, and gather her views. Not necessarily her “count” straight away, but simply her views on it, and how they’ve changed over time.
I mean, OP, you do you.
But IMO, to have such black-and-white views on something like sex is a bit weird.
Sometimes it seems to me that there is an increase in reactionary, puritanical views about sex: if you do a lot of it you’re dirty, you won’t be able to be a good partner or a faithful partner, and so on.
For STDs, just test yourself. Sure, you’re more likely to get them if you have a promiscuous sex life, but it’s even easier to get them if you or your partner have never tested. All it takes is one infected person to contract something.
OP, do what you think is best for you. The fact that she lied to you sucks and it does make her sound like a dishnoest person.
But I’d suggest try and get a more nuanced vision about life and sex in general.
They have an incompatibility that’s a deal breaker for OP. OP’s only 29 and has only been with her for only 9 months. It’s not the end of the world. Move on.
I know you said you weren’t trying to sound high and mighty, but that High Horse you’re on is begging to differ.
Shit or get off the pot. Either you wanna be with this woman, or you don’t.
Looks like the daily incel fanfiction is trying to add some more back story, but still always comes bank updates the evil slutty women trying to bring down our incel hero
Dude, I hundred percent agree with you. A body count that high grosses me the fuck out. Having said that, I would never ask a girl that, especially an American girl (no intended offense), because I wouldn’t wanna know the answer. You shouldn’t have asked or played “What’s your body count game?”
You’re running into multiple ex partners of hers would definitely gross me out. I’d dump her ass too.
Your spiritual, emotional definition of sex is kinda rare for a guy and you might unfortunately find yourself lonely for a long time. Good luck OP.
Lmao the comment section is a cesspit of people blaming the guy here, calling him an incel, weirdo and that he’d be alone for the rest of his life..
I think it’s completely understandable that people could be hurt if it turned out that their partner lied about the number of people they had physical relationships with in the past.
I thought having preferences such as this is completely normal. Or did something change while I was away for a few hours from reddit? It’s just bonkers to blame and insult this person.
You were honest about your values and what matters to you in a relationship, and you have every right to want someone whose choices align with that. It’s not about judging her past it’s about feeling safe, respected, and emotionally connected in the future you’re trying to build.
It hurts like hell now, but you saved yourself years of deeper heartbreak by finding out early. It’s completely normal to grieve the future you imagined with her. Just remember: compatibility isn’t about changing someone else or forcing yourself to accept things that don’t sit right with you it’s about finding someone whose life and values naturally fit yours.
You’re not alone in feeling gutted. But trust me, staying true to yourself will lead you to the right person eventually. Heal first. Grow stronger. And when you’re ready, try again without lowering your standards. You’re doing the hard but right thing.
i support you!
i did this foolish mistake where i ended up with someone like that. didn’t know her body count was crazy high(100s) cuz i didn’t care!
turns out i find it out over a year and a half. i still supported her financially, helped her out with a lot of stuff, even was ok with her abuse(she’d hit me at times) but then i lost my job. and dear oh dear she was not really supportive. the moment she realized i needed a break to pursue my own mental health goals, she left and made no bones about me never trying to contact her again!
so yes, such people’s brains do get rewired such differently that they don’t even see relationships as normal, they just see them as transactions! while giving nothing in return, cuz they themselves are a reward!
Bro yapped about nothing for paragraphs.
You can break up with anyone, for any reason, at any time. You droned on and on about it because you’re trying to justify a really odd outlook.
Own your choice or get over it. This post seems intentionally rage baity.
Great creative writing post.
She lied by omission, and you guys clearly have different views, which is understandable but for both your sakes you should break up cause otherwise it will be the root of future problems
Lmao. I can’t believe that OP is getting insecure about guys his GF talks to in a coffee shop and ready to go up and confront someone else he believes she has had sex with in the past and the replies here are anything other than “you are insane WTF”. This is before he even knew anything and he’s ready to go up and throw down with guys he’s thinks have been with his GF in the past based on vibes lol.
We all just going to gloss over the fact OP said they pulled out all the stops but then:
>Of course with the exception of my wealth (I wasn’t going to disclose this until the time is right for obvious reasons. I hide it very well and don’t own anything flashy).
So OP held back information (and also “hides it very well”) for fear it might ruin the relationship and so did his GF knowing her body count might ruin the relationship. I honestly think this girl dodged a bullet. Doesn’t matter it’s two different subjects. Okay to have preferences but damn one day OP will mature.
I highly suggest a lesson for you all is to literally go through everything early in dating like first 4 dates talk about everything that’s a deal breaker.
And when it comes to sex ask about testing, STDs, kinks, etc. Get it all out in the open. Be honest. BOTH PEOPLE. None of this one-sidedness. Who gives a fuck about a number as long as they are clean and faithful. If you do care you’re either religious, were brought up religious, or have insecurities about sex.
But at the end of the day most of these posts are fake to get reactions anyways.
Watch Chasing Amy.
Jesus, that’s way too many words to say that your values don’t align. I didn’t read it all, but I’m sensing that your intention is to shame her with this post which honestly is gross. Just end it and move on. Simple.
It’s good that you broke up with her cause it sounds like you have major issues.
Idk if you want to break it off because you’re secretly comparing yourself to her ex partners…. Just say that.
The paragraphs you’ve written read like ego defence rationalisations.
This comment section is typical reddit, switch genders and everyone would say “Be free girl, know your truth, you know what you want”.
Stick to your guns – you are exactly doing the right thing. But not the alcohol – don’t go down that path.
>I mention how I’ve had “one handful” of partners in my life and it was always with intentions of long-term partnership. She says we’re pretty much the same on that front. (Turned out to be a lie).
So she “pretty much” that she chooses sexual partners for intendet long term partnerships.
>
She says it’s “like 34”
How often was she feeling the long term situation?
“like 34” she doesnt even know exactly how many long term relationsshios she was persuing?
sorry dude.
EDIT:
and bumping into those random long term partners. Depends if u life in a big city it shouldnt really affect you. Lifing in a small town, it is a strange feeling.
well duh she lied to you. thats a perfect reason to break things off. dont let people shame you for having standards
Just because you are unable to form emotional bonds after having multiple partners doesn’t mean anyone else cant either. And I’d argue that sleeping with FEWER people means someone is more likely to cheat (the whole lack of experiences ideal) although in reality, there are many factors that cause cheating. Finally, having multiple sexual partners DOES NOT mean that person will be a bad parent.
If you can’t deal with this, that’s your issue. But don’t project all that other shit on her because it’s simply not true.
This is such a stupid thing to get hung up on. I will never grasp why anyone even thinks it’s their business who/how many people someone else has had sex with. Honestly, it sounds like she dodged a bullet because this level of misogyny and these types of obsessions never lead any place good.
Sorry brother, I have the same spiritual and emotional abuse that you do about sex and relationships. They don’t. Plain and simple. I work with a ton of young ladies and it seems the only validation they have in their life is sex. None of them have any hobbies, aspirations, goals, long-term plans, and I’ll be damned if I’ve heard a single one of them say that they are interested in becoming a mother soon. It’s all about the selfies, the glam, the online presence, the attention seeking, the narcissism, and the rest of it. Honestly I wouldn’t take a single woman seriously these days until she shows you that she’s absolutely serious too, honest, open about her past, and about her expectations for the future. Stop wasting your time and be true to yourself first and foremost. She’s for the streets
You are insecure and feel inferior to other men. Also never loved her, if you did her past wouldnt matter to you just as your past didnt matter to her
Good to know men like you exist. I applaud you and agree with your decision. She lied to you about the type of person she truly is. It would have been different if you knew in advance and still chose to date her. Hook up culture is far too accepted and something is missing with those who partake in that lifestyle. I don’t care how good looking or successful someone is, I don’t care how easy we click (I get along with everyone) if they’re easy to sleep with, I don’t want them. I highly respect myself and I want to be with a man that does the same. Moral values are important in a society filled with moral decay.
You did the right thing. More than the body count. The bigger thing is lying about it.particularly when u made it clear that was important. Trust is everything in relationship. You will find a partner who will share your values. This girl was not it. You dodged a bullet. Good luck
Dude, you’re absolutely fine. Make sure you get checked for STD’s.
It’s not the body count but the fact she lied.
But I will say “I told her that to me, sex isn’t physical.” Yet you judge her so harshly on her body count and not her ability to form a genuine bond with you?
I didn’t read all this. But breaking up with her cause of her past is immature. 🤷🏻♀️ but do you dude
I hope OP finds happiness with whoever can meet his standards, but I think the girl avoided a bullet with this one. OP, you can have preferences and feelings, but the way you reacted to this whole situation makes me think you should get therapy and work on yourself before you date.
I find it really funny that I actually don’t think he’s wrong for having different values than her. Sorry that you were lied to and she wasted your time.
She lied because you set impossible parameters around an existing issue; so she knew she was losing out the door.
While a lie is a lie, I feel like you need to reevaluate the parameters you’ve set.
Everyone has a past.
What does she do for a living and when did you guys first sleep together?
Okay so basically:
-You experienced trauma at a young age due to seeing the effects of drug addiction on your family
-Out of fear of that outcome, not only did you swear off drugs, you started to view all pleasure of all kinds with suspicion and started denying it to yourself
-You needed to justify your ascetecism, so you built up a worldview where any pleeasure-seeking behavior of any kind damages the mind and makes you a worse, less faithful, less loving, less fully human person
-You then met a girl
-Presumably she was fully human and you felt loved by and connected to her
-It turns out she does not share your ascetic beliefs. She has done things for pleasure in her life
-Her existence as a whole, happy person is now a threat to your worldview. You MUST create a new narrative in which sex made her a devil bitch to justify all your own years of self-denial
-You break up. Besides getting her and the cognitive dissonance she brings out of your life, this also complies with your practice of ascetic self-denial and makes you feel in control and regulated
-But some part of you knows this is a big self-deception, because you don’t feel at peace with your decision, which is why you’re on Reddit posting about it
You need therapy, buddy. You need to address the ogriinal trauma and your fear of pleasure. Or you will just keep on ruining everything that makes you happy.
I disagree strongly with your beliefs of how many partners someone has affecting their ability to form deep emotional bonds, I think that’s a load of nonsense.
HOWEVER; having a preference that someone doesn’t have a high body count IS VALID, and the fact that she lied to you about something you clearly care deeply about is more than enough reason to break it off.
You seem to have some sensitivity regarding sex and what it can be. Sex can be just sex. It isn’t always some spiritual thing.
I recommend you read the book, Come As You Are, by Emily Nagasaki.
That book helped me so much as someone who grew up abused and repressed. It opened up my mind and made me more open and understanding of sex. We live in sexually twisted society. Everything you think you know about sex is fucked up.
Your ex was 27 and slept with 34. If she became sexually active around 16, that’s an average of 3 ppl a year. One night stands may have been a phase for her. She could have been more upfront, but people should not be defined by their past. You should understand that as someone with complicated past. Don’t drink. Don’t become an incel. Grow and change so you can keep pursuing a happy and fulfilling life. Good luck.