Before I met my fiancé, I was single my whole. I was rejected over and over every time I tried to find love. My best friend ended up sleeping with a girl who I was in love with, but she never felt the same. That went on for years and . I resorted to porn. Masturbating multiple times a day. Every day. Since I was a kid. Sneaking porn recordings at 13.
I photoshopped a girl from colleges face on a porn stars body many years ago. I didn’t really know her. But was attracted to her. I felt ashamed. I still do. I’m 28 now. I told my fiancé this and she didn’t judge me but this was before she knew about my issues.
It got so bad before we met, I was looking up romance on pornhub. Wanting love.
Now that I’ve had it for a few years, I couldn’t stop. I would google actresses I thought were hot. Look for their leaked stuff. I jerked off beside her while she was sleeping to porn once or twice. But im super satisfied with her. Even tho she doesn’t think I am. She’s beautiful. We have sex all the time.
She felt disgusted. We broke up for a while. But got back together and I proposed 2 months later. It’s been 4 months of the engagement and she thinks she can’t get past everything. Even though I’ve put in so much effort. It was all so normalized to me.
Gone to therapy. Only looked up an ad on Facebook once. Months ago. Why does she not care about my progress? She doesn’t even like when I get home from work before her cuz she doesn’t trust me. Idk what im supposed to do besides stop. Which I have.
But whenever my dick doesn’t get fully hard or I don’t get a boner when she’s naked and cuddling, she thinks I relapsed. I don’t understand.
Comments
If you’re jerkin it beside her while she sleeps either you’re not satisfied or you’re addicted.
A lot to unpack, my advice is that you should consider redirecting total focus toward self improvement and give her space… she’s likely to move on. And she has very directly good reasons for that. You should try to really imagine what it would be like to be her… likely a lot more grounded. You can’t force any of this and you can’t force her to see your point of view… but here’s what you can control being mindful, meditation, being ok with who you are and where you’re at.
You have had a porn addiction for sometime, and there’s trauma behind every addiction…
In a sense telling her this info was always going to lead her to pull away. Deep down… maybe you knew the honesty would lead to this outcome subconsciously.
From an outsider’s perspective, her leaving you may be the sharp pain you need to feel motivated to change… in any case, now is the time to focus on making yourself PROUD of yourself… and it won’t happen overnight
She probably needed an out and that was it.
You’re too young or naive to realize it’s obviously not just about the incident, you know that right?
I’m gonna bite the bullet but you sound extremely clingy and needy, excessively looking for love and/or sexual arousal, it’s one of those things where if you let them control you, you’re gonna destroy your life. I’d say if you really love her let her go, she deserves her space, use this to revaluate your life, ask your self why are you so desperate for attention and sexual interactions, why do you go and fall in love with people all the time and get rejected. You need to break out of your shell and work hard on bettering yourself, like you’re doing so with therapy, but that takes time, because you don’t have to be better for the next partner or your actual partner, you have to be better for yourself, she’s practically doing you a favor.