I am a woman nearing 40 and I am still a virgin.

Hello Reddit!

Full transparency, this is not my main account, but not quite a throwaway. I created this specifically to post this and to keep it separate from my main account. I tagged this as NSFW but really its nothing dirty like that. Just maybe a little TMI.

This is a secret I’ve been keeping my whole adult life. It’s not a big deal but it is a big deal – big enough that I have kept it to myself and not a soul in my life knows. I’m sure if they thought about it enough they could figure it out but I never correct them if they assume otherwise. It makes me laugh to admit it here but frankly I am too ashamed to say it out loud. It started with religious indoctrination and that whole “wait til you get married” nonsense. So, in my late teens and early 20s it was something that felt wrong or dirty, even after I stopped believing. Eventually, it became my own lack of self-esteem that kept me from being with men.

I have had (very few) opportunities to have sex with men but each time I chickened out. It’s not that I don’t want to, I really do, but I have had serious self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. I always assumed any interest shown in me was a cruel joke. I’m not pretty now but I think I used to be, perhaps just a little. I have always been overweight and now I’m very overweight. I have an eating disorder and a very unhealthy relationship with food so losing weight is difficult. As a result, I can be very withdrawn when food-related or romance-related conversations come about. I’m pretty good about changing the subject or finding a way to exit the conversation. I remember when Rebel Wilson made her confession about losing her virginity super late in the game, she said something similar about how she handled those types of conversations. It was a big relief to know that someone like her, who reminded me so much of myself, was in a similar boat.

I also think I might just have a complicated relationship with men. I was always surrounded by guys growing up and I really enjoy hanging out with them. However, when you’re “one of the guys” you get to hear all the jokes they make about women and it has just destroyed most of my faith in them. I know, I know #notallmen or whatever but it’s really hard for me to think any man could ever sincerely want me. I know there are men who are not superficial but I haven’t found any yet. Even if I did, I probably wouldn’t believe them. I am so conflicted, because – I get it. I understand that being overweight is just outright not attractive to some people so I don’t hold it against someone if they aren’t into fat people. You can have preferences, just don’t be cruel. I would even go so far as to say that I am very fortunate that I have never been bullied (to my face). The majority of my pain comes from how I feel about myself.

I know that I am fun and interesting and that I have a good sense of humor. I can hold conversations and enjoy learning new things. I am confident until food or relationships come up in a conversation. In fact, I forget how gross I am until I see myself in the mirror, or worse, in a picture. Nothing humbles me faster than seeing myself in a photo. I just really hate every inch of my body. I have giant boobs that are often the subject of many hilarious jokes. But what people don’t know is that without a good bra they are flat and saggy and the idea of letting any man see them makes me want to cry. My mons pubis (I had to look up the official word for it lol) is huge! I have a decent bulge that would probably make some men do a double take. Thankfully, it’s not obvious from the pants I wear. I can joke about it now but I would not be able to talk about it in person without being an absolute mess. My stomach, my arms and my thighs- all of me grosses me out. I don’t wear shorts in the summer because I heard someone make fun of someone else’s legs once. Specifically, the back of their knees. Now, I worry that there are people who make fun of mine. No one has ever said anything to me or within earshot, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone has at some point.

“But OP, just lose weight!” I am trying. It’s very slow going. Some days are harder than others but I haven’t completely given up yet. I just never thought I’d see 40 without having sat on a dick lol.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for by posting this. Encouragement is appreciated but not necessary. I anticipate some jokes that will probably make me laugh and some that will probably make me really sad. I guess I just really wanted to tell someone because I’m so tired of keeping it all inside.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Please remember to be kind to people. You really never know what they’re going through and a little bit of kindness can do so much!