My bf and I have been going out for almost a year. I’m nondenominational and he’s Catholic.
I found out recently that his mom has been suggesting that he meets girls at Latin mass behind my back and has told him to meet girls at Catholic dances.
This makes me uncomfortable. I also have compromised on church but am not sure if I can go to Catholic mass the rest of my life.
Basically to be with him I can no longer attend non-denominational church we’d have to go to mass.
Originally we were going to separate churches and his mom accused me of trying to pull him away from the Catholic church.
I told him that I don’t want to be around his mom and think it’s rude what she’s been doing behind my back. I feel torn though because it’s not like I have any friends or community at the non-denominational church.
I’ve tried many Bible studies and young adult gatherings and haven’t had any luck. So I’m just feeling so torn right now. š
TL;DR – I love my boyfriend but his mom is being petty. How do I have a future with him?
Comments
Girl, run.
The Latin mass Catholics are very culty.
https://www.ncronline.org/opinion/guest-voices/latin-mass-becomes-cult-toxic-tradition
Is this a serious post?
You have a future and his mom doesnāt like you.
Your relationship either survives his mom not liking you or it doesnāt.
The only future you have with him is if he stands up to his mother who will resent you for the rest of her life.
I say this as a Latin Mass Catholicā we are indeed a little culty.
The issue here isn’t his mom. The issue is your bf taking a stand to support you. It doesn’t matter what his mother does or doesn’t like. It’s up to the two of you to decide. He needs to step up and put his foot down with his mother and tell her that she’s not included in your relationship. Religion is between the two of you. Somehow I don’t think he’s going to do this.
As an old person (who can see the writing on the wall on this one)….cut your losses. It’s not going to work until he takes a stand that his mother won’t like and I don’t see it happening. Find someone who supports YOU and not his mother.
Mama’s boys are never anything else. Sounds like you love him but he doesn’t love you back
Do you want to marry into this?
I know it would be nice to think “but I’m marrying HIM, not his family” but be real. He hasn’t cut her off for this, so he’s not gonna, and she may eventually change his mind. But if she doesn’t you will always be the enemy and if you want kids…he’s going to expect his kids to be exposed to her and her cult.
Love doesn’t fix shit. It does not “conquer all”. Any time you find yourself thinking “but I loooove him” is a big red flag. This is a really important thing to keep in mind. Love is a necessary ingredient in a strong healthy relationship but unfortunately it is not load-bearing, just like water is a necessary ingredient in cement but you can’t build a building with just water. There are other components that need to be there, and “active pressure from a parent to not be in the relationship” where he won’t set boundaries or cut her off if she won’t respect them is a massive massive risk factor.
Who would you describe as more important in this scenario: you or her? And honestly when the rubber hits the road: you or religion? This is something he should have dealt with as a serious life problem BEFORE dating outside his mother’s – and presumably his – religion.
That’s his mom. If you continue to ignore or avoid her, then end the relationship now. Your BF needs to stop telling you what his mom is saying. These are things you don’t need to know. If you love him, ignore what you’ve heard and show kindness and respect towards his mom. He clearly loves you and doesn’t care what religion you practice.
My MIL would tell my husband (when we first started dating), similar things. Not about religion but look for a real Hispanic woman (I’m Mexican but born and raised American. And I’m very very light skinned) etc. He didn’t tell me until about 2 years into the relationship. I didn’t care and continued to treat his mother with kindness and respect. Been together 14 years now.
If your relationship is strong, healthy and loving; don’t worry about what his mom is saying.
You should find yourself a fully grown man.
This one is a red flag. Period.
You deserve someone who will stand by your side and stand up for you to their parents. His parents aren’t the ones living his life, and if he isn’t standing up for you, it seems he’s choosing them. You deserve to be happy and it seems with him it isn’t the way. It’ll hurt at first, but you’ll find that someone who loves you for you and you guys will be a team and do things together, not because their mom wants it. I hope things look up!
What century is this???
The basic issue here is if you marry him MOM will be in the picture forever.
Just get out of this relationship, beyond the whole Mass thing she will be directing your sonās life for as long as she lives. She will also take over you reproductive life and the spiritual life of any children you have. Why would you even want that.
Love will not change the dynamic between your man and his mom.
Love does not fix other people’s families.
She will not stop meddling until she dies. Nothing you do can make her stop.
You marry a person, you marry into their family and all of their personal entanglements. His mother will bully you into acting the way she wants, including having and raising children.
Considering that you have not said one thing about how your BF is going to handle his own mother, I would say no, you do not have a future with him.
If he can’t tell his mother the “what for” then it will never ever work.
Breakup and live your life
NOBODY forces you into Catholicism except you/yourself. Remember that.
Iām sorry but this doesnāt sound like a relationship that is going to last. Wish you both luck.
With respect tell her it won’t work because (give your reason). She’ll likely end up settling that you’re good for him but you have one oddity. You imply that you do go to church so it’s not completely off that base.
This guy is 30? Not 18? Hmmmnnn.
When I met my husband, I was Catholic. At one time, I was a very involved Latin Mass Catholic because my mom required it in order for me to be in good standing with her, and by extension the rest of our (regular) Catholic family. My husband was a born again Christian. He took me to church and long story short I was pulled out of the Catholic church and by default my entire family. It was the best thing I ever did. But actually, another long story, I didn’t do it – God did and I thank him for it. My mom died a couple years ago, estranged from all but one of her kids, and that one had been estranged from her for a long time before. She was in a cult, that much became obvious to me when she treated my husband like the devil before she went no contact. I’ve been a happy non denomination Christian since meeting my husband. We don’t go to church (it can also be very sketchy), but please, find your own way and talk to your boyfriend about cutting that cord. It can be almost impossible for some, I get it, but well worth it if he’ll listen to reason. He’s been brainwashed so you may not be successful.
Your boyfriend’s mother is not the problem. Your boyfriend is the problem. He should be telling his mother to back off.
Latin Mass Catholics are not part of the Roman Catholic Church. Most of them but not all are part of the St Pius X church
This is a bf problem and unless he really puts his foot down , which he doesn’t seem to I’d say RUN!
You think if you ever have children you won’t face interference religiously!
RUN!
Run. Run like the wind, girl.
To keep the BF you have to make peace with mom.
It’s kinda like the perfect house in a crummy neighborhood. You can neither change the mom, nor the neighborhood.
Asking him to choose between you is not only unkind, but over time, chances are you will be the loser
The whole point of dating is getting to know each other. Your boyfriend allows his mother to make you do things you are uncomfortable with and don’t like. Why is he not defending you and your independence.? The whole purpose of becoming a couple is to join forces and become a UNITED FRONT. Your boyfriend is not holding up in this department and hanging you out to dry.
Youāll never live up to his motherās standards and if he his listening to her you relationship is doomed.
You both have tough choices to make.
He needs to choose between and his mom and Latin mass catholicism, which, as others have said, is culty. And even if he chooses youā¦
You need to choose whether to stay in a relationship where you have constantly deal with his momās interference. I can see resentment growing quickly on both sides.
And thatāll end things more painfully than just ending it now.
Writing is on the wall for this one. Momma will win. She will never let him go. He has to take the reins out of her hands but it doesn’t seem like he’s ready.
If your boyfriend won’t stand up to his mother now, he certainly won’t later. A happy long-term relationship requires being able to present a united front, and it sounds like this guy won’t.
Don’t fall for the “But it’s my mother!” bullshit. He’s obviously conflicted at some level, since he’s with you and not already married to a Latin Mass Catholic and father to ten kids. But if he won’t grow a spine and his mother won’t love him for having one, this isn’t a man who will stand up for you in other situations, either. In a good marriage or other long term relationship, you have to have each other’s back.
If it were me, I’d politely and lovingly explain that if he won’t go to bat for you against his mother and shut her down, you’ll have to move on. Maybe losing you is the kick in the pants he needs to start standing up for himself. Or maybe he’ll never learn. Either way, you’ll be free to find someone who has a healthy relationship with their parents, and whose parents will adore you. Don’t you deserve that?
Let me try and give you a bit of info about what’s likely going on, here.
Latin Mass Catholics (aka “traddies”) can be crazy. Some of them have heretical beliefs and are in schism with the Pope, but most are just a bit delulu about being very old-fashioned and sticking to doctrine much more strictly than most Catholics.
It’s very likely that she’s worried about her son leaving the Church – traddies are big on the doctrine “There is no salvation outside the Church” and can take that to mean, specifically, the Catholic Church. She may also be worried about birth control, which traddies are against. Doctrinally, the Church is against it, but traddies make a big deal of it, while most mainstream Catholics turn a blind eye to it.
Catholics can marry outside of the faith but are expected to promise to raise any children Catholic. This is something Traddies will worry about.
This is to help you understand some of what you are up against.
It may be that you two are incompatible. You may be unwilling to convert or rely on natural family planning and take your kids to Mass. He may not be willing to leave his church, himself.
This isn’t just an issue with his mother – it’s his issue with his faith.
Why is his mother in your relationship? Why is your grown adult boyfriend sharing the personal details of your life with his mother? Why is your boyfriend entertaining and allowing his mother to interfere with his relationship?
The best answer is that there is a lot of dysfunction and emotional dependency in the mother/son relationship. Your boyfriend is the only one who can change the situation and act as an adult. There are lots of books on enmeshment and emotional dependency. A fan favorite is āAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsā by Lindsay C Gibson. Adults who happen to be parents donāt try to control their grown children.
You only have a boyfriend problem. Not a future Mother In Law problem. If your boyfriend is himself independent and emotionally stable he would be able to shut down his mother.
Iām so sorry to say that this rarely gets better and it only usually gets worse for the partner.
You could see if your boyfriend is interested in changing the dynamics of his relationship with his mother.
Honestly, youāre only 30. Save yourself the stress, pain, and humiliation and find a partner who is also going to make you the priority. Someone who will value your relationship as much as you do.
Who will you be if you have to compromise everything you are to have an opportunity to give this relationship a chance? Itās an excellent bet that you will become angry and frustrated if you alone sacrifice.
Walk away find the love you deserve.
I dated a hardline Catholic girl for years. I knew our religious differences were an issue. I just never knew how much. After about 4 years, she started hinting about future plans like marriage, a house, children, etc. I heard her, I just wasn’t there yet. I was okay with us progressing that way, but I was finishing college, starting my career, etc.
I kind of assumed we would get married. Turns out that was never going to happen unless I became Catholic. I went to several services with her and her mother. Half the people fell asleep during the Latin service. It was amazingly boring! It sounded like mumbled gibberish to me! All that kneel, sit down, kneel … mumble mumble was not for me.
I felt like I wasted years in a relationship that was going nowhere. All over a religion that my GF did not seem real invested in. She went to Catholic school but did not know anything about saints or Bible stuff. I knew more than she did! I was raised fairly non religious. My mom was religious but against organized religion.
I think before you spend too much more time in your relationship with him, you better find out how important his religion will be going forward. You may feel like you can convert to please him and insure a future with him, but remember what an impact the control of that religion will have on your life with him! What impact will religion have on your relationship with his immediate family and possibly extended family. On your children. You won’t like being the outcast after the honeymoon phase wears off.
Heās 30??? Heās still got a lot of growing up to do. Dump him.
My husband is Catholic. He goes to church and I do not. Neither do our adult children but that was their decision. his mom is orthodox Catholic and has never said a thing about me. Itās not about church. Itās about her wanting to choose his wife.
I married into a Catholic family w out being Catholic but he had already clearly separated from it so it wasn’t my “fault.” It never reflected upon me and I had no blame for it. I think this is the only way it can work.
It caused a small drama not getting married in a sanctified Catholic building but MIL eventually dealt w it.
I always felt she loved me and I also never made a problem out of it on my side either – I don’t mind sitting through masses for weddings and funerals and happily sing right along. His family is accepting of me but they are more liberal Catholics not the Latin mass type.
Being fairly open in where I find my spiritual food and inspiration, at one point I voluntarily took my daughter to a Latin mass w Gregorian chant because I thought it would be beautiful. That culture was so creepy – long skirts, women’s covered heads, terrible politics. They fawned over my daughter wearing a dress etc – clearly trying to reinforce such a religious value in her. She was creeped out too. We ran and never went back.
Since you’re already Christian without strong ties to another particular denomination it’s worth considering what it would be like if you converted to regular Catholicism as a middle way compromise (but keep firm boundaries w nothing to do w that Latin mass business). At least this way they’ll be happier that you count as a “real Christian” lol. But you might not be willing or able to do this authentically and that’s ok too.
Remember it’s so important to them because the easiest way to keep numbers high in a religion is to breed children into it – so much easier than converting adults w fully developed brains. So be very aware if you go down this path this would be expected of you to raise your children Catholic. You might not want the life path that this guy comes with.
But at the end of the day, this is ultimately his problem that you’re making yours. When his mother treats you poorly or goes behind your back, you need to call him out on that – that’s your issue between you and him, not between you and her. This is not your battle but his. He either makes you feel loved, cherished, protected, and supported or he doesn’t.
I wouldn’t set yourself up against her directly because it’s unfair to make someone choose between two people they love, but if his mom can’t be supportive of the person he loves he’s got a big problem he needs to deal with.
Leave the relationship. Seriously. She wonāt stop.
If the man doesn’t stand up to his mom like an adult, then you have no future. It’s just that simple. His mom is entitled to her opinions, but if he is a mature adult ready to marry and start his own family, he needs to be able to create boundaries. He can say “Mom, I know your advice comes from a good place, but I am an adult and will make my own choices.” When she continues to insert her opinion “Mom, we’ve talked about this before. I understand your opinion, but this is my decision. I am not going to discuss it further.” And the next time “Mom, this topic is not up for discussion. If you insist on talking about it, I will have to end this visit/phone call.”
It’s amazing how well stern, but polite approach works. He may have to actually hang up the phone or leave his mom’s house a couple of times, but she’ll get the message.
NOPE
Every decision you make from the wedding forward will be to do what your MIL wants. If you go against what she wants, you will have to defend your (not you & your husband) decision forever and on repeat.
ETA: Iām aware that OP isnāt married. Iām projecting to what her future will be.
I grew up in the Latin Mass. Traditionalists are very culty. His mother will double down to āsaveā him and his soul. You are in for a world of conflict and a partner who will always be caught in the middle.
Run..mommy is too involved. Do u want her calling the shots when u get married? One of the main things that holds marriages together is sharing a core belief system.
Religious denominations or following rituals doesn’t address your individual beliefs in God, and in what this week represents which is that Christ, the Son of God came to die for our sins, and rose showing He is God’s son. He left it up to individuals to recognize that and accept Him or not. Then the denomination is the one that through leading of God and reading the Bible best lines up with scripture.
What u have here is a religious issue, and major mommy issue. Neither make for a good and peaceful marriage.