I’m 26F and finishing up my PhD. My plan is to stay in academia, which means I’ll likely need to move (possibly internationally) for two postdocs and if I’m very lucky, I’d move again to take a more permanent tenure-track position. At this point I’d be in my early-mid thirties.
I keep seeing posts warning women that if we don’t settle down by 30, our dating prospects will plummet. I know a lot of this is influenced by incel-type rhetoric, but it’s making me scared there might be truth to it?
For all the academics in this sub, how did you manage to settle down? How do you think being a woman affects this?
TLDR: Academia makes it so I won’t be able to settle down until I’m in my 30s. Will that be too late?
Comments
Following because I’m also a woman in a pretty similar situation
I’d not worry about it at all. Just do what you like and If that’s staying in academia for now, so be it. Don’t let anyone or anything pressure you. Things will fall into place on way or another. I know enough people that tried to “settle down” in their late twenties, some even got married and then it all fell apart and they got divorced. Most of the people I know found their spouses in their 30s after the relationships they started in their twenties fell apart. So the dating pool is actually huge.
Don’t worry and just do your thing!
Trust me, same issue for men 😞
stand up straight queen! have you never had a long term partner before?
At 26, you’re still very young, so don’t worry about anything. My wife and I both got our PhDs when I was 29 and stayed in academia. Everything turned out great.
I met my husband in grad school. We ended up moving for my job, but he worked remote and it wasn’t an issue. But when we started dating I told him about my situation and we agreed it was probably just going to be a short term relationship. We both changed our minds as the relationship evolved and he was down to moving with me when the time came
It is true, tho, that people face a two body problem in academia. You don’t have to stop trying, you just need to be honest with prospective partners
You can never be sure about these things. I was “settled down” in my 30s but now I’m in my 40s and getting divorced (and also now getting tenured in my job). In my 20s & 30s I had a partner who’s job allowed them to live anywhere, since they travel for work. So we could easily move around for my schooling and training without it impacting their career negatively.
Focus on you and enjoying your life. But be sure to have hobbies and socialize so you are meeting people and having meaningful relationships, romantic or not. Then you can be fulfilled in your life regardless. And if kids are something that are a MUST have for you (they weren’t for me), then you can always do that single if you really must. Whatever you do, don’t live a smaller life now hoping to find someone. You might find someone anywhere at anytime. Just be open to trying things and meeting people!
If you’re that concerned about settling down, I’m not sure academia is for you. lol. I mean, most people I know in academia have moved for jobs even after 30. I’ve known spouses that lived in different states because of the two body problem. Either you already date the type of person that understands career is important to you and understands how academia works. Or you get out of academia because settling down and a family are your priorities.
if youre lucky, you could find a partner with a remote job
Out of curiosity, why do you think that your dating prospects will plummet after 30? And is that something unique to academia that you have seen?
You can meet someone before you know where you will live permanently, you just need to make sure that they would potentially be ok moving with you. I met my husband during my postdoc and he agreed to move with me when I got a job offer in another state.
Starting a family at 39 😀 Married at 36. No regrets, travelled, experienced life, enjoyed myself. Ready to slow down.
Me and my wife made it work. She is in academia and I am not. I work in a research lab. We went through a few years of being distant, depending on post docs.
Honestly…you can wait. People are having kids later and later these days so I don’t think it’s going to be impossible to find a like minded partner, especially in academia. You either put off having kids until you’re settled (tenure track position secured) or you have them while still post docking (oof). So people in academia will find this situation familiar.
I’m going to tell you the brutal honest truth based on my personal experience, and you can take it for what you will knowing that it is just the experience of one person.
My honest advice if you want to be married and have kids is to prioritize that over academia. The probability of getting a TT role in a place you are willing to live is too low to put that above the potential for a stable and happy marriage and family. I’m not saying to be reckless. Don’t quit academia for a man you have known for two weeks who has commitment issues. I am just saying don’t spend 80 hours a week working on research and neglect time for self care and dating. It isn’t worth it.
Marriage is the best thing that ever happened to me. My life is fulfilling, stable, secure, and full of love and joy thanks to my husband and kids. My job is simply a way I earn income to help provide for my family. My job doesn’t provide my joy or fulfillment. I won’t be spending time with my job when my time comes and I’m in the last days of my life. I won’t be wishing I had only focused more intensely on writing just one more academic article. It sounds cliche, but family is everything. Work is a means to an end.
My story – I truly thank God I met my husband when I did. I had been living in 3 different cities in my 20s thanks to grad school and academic job opportunities. Every relationship ended when I would move. Then came my husband – We met when I was 30 years old and 3 years out from going up for tenure. We were married when I was 32, and I had my kids at age 33 and 35. It all worked out for me pretty well, but now that we are trying for our third with no success, I realize how close I pushed it to the end of my fertile window. If you ask women in their 40s, you’ll learn that many women face fertility struggles that they didn’t anticipate. Getting pregnant in your late 30s or early 40s is not as simple and easy as people might lead you to believe.
My husband is in the running for a prestigious and financially lucrative job opportunity that would move us beyond commuting distance to my current university. I hope he gets it because it would be great for him and a great opportunity for our family as a whole. If it comes down to it, I would pick living under the same roof as my husband and kids over my job. No hesitation. My marriage and family are so much more important to me than my job.
So, yes, I would walk away from a tenured role at an R1 university in order to put my marriage first. That is how much I value my marriage. I cannot imagine life without my husband. This is why my advice to you is that if you meet the person who is right for you and that you want to marry and build a family with, prioritize that over academia.
One caveat to stress here – don’t entertain the idea of giving up career opportunities until you have a ring on the finger. I am simply saying to (a) make time for dating and (b) once you meet the right guy to marry and he wants to marry you, protect and value that!
You have plenty of time. The only thing around dating is when you are accepting a TT asst prof position if you are single: is there a decent sized dating pool? But you have a few years before you come to that issue.
Way more people work remotely these days or can. Just focus on enjoying your life and I’m sure you’ll find a partner if that’s what you want. Also I find universities to be better places for dating in middle age than others.
I met my husband at 27 on a dating app during my PhD. The way I and I other women I know have made this work is to value partners that are hard workers but not necessarily career-oriented. My husband is so proud of me and has done so much to support my career – we considered what areas he’d be willing to move to, but ultimately knew we’d move wherever I got a job. He’s gearing up to be a SAHD when I’m due with a baby in a few months and I and my daughter-to-be could not be luckier. Some people expect two high-earners in a relationship so if that’s you it wouldn’t work, but if you can make less money work it’s so wonderful!
Going to be massively unpopular comment, but, yes, it is tricky. I was lucky I met my partner pre PhD, hence the “moving” conversation was easier as we’d already committed a bit… We moved twice to accommodate my job… My advice is if you feel you’ve met the one, that’s more important than any tenure track job. Depends on what floats your boat and what your prioritise. Tough question for reddit without much more context. Rich parents – well then relax.
> I keep seeing posts warning women that if we don’t settle down by 30, our dating prospects will plummet.
Unless you’re intending to date Leonardo DiCaprio, there is no need to worry.
>I keep seeing posts warning women that if we don’t settle down by 30, our dating prospects will plummet.
I think this is the wrong way of looking at it.
In reality, you’re just filtering for people who would be suitable partners for you – those on the same page and timeline as you in terms of what you want in life.
Plenty of ‘normal’ men (or really any other gender) don’t want to settle down until their thirties either.
My own perspective is that my academic life has never provided for me what my fiancé does: joy every day, love, support, comfort, and safety. I would frankly prioritize getting married and having children (if that is what you want) over staying in an unstable and unpleasant industry where you will be overworked and underpaid. People have a very individualistic mindset, and that’s fine for them, but I think humans are social animals- just my view. I would drop out of my PhD for my fiancé tomorrow.
I’m weird so maybe this is off for most people. But I’d say: Ask yourself what will last longer, a young love or a meaningful education and career?
From the data I’ve seen, the numbers go down only people you’ll prefer educated men, lol.
The problem is not your age, but your job prospects/need to move for jobs.
Not in academia but listen to your gut. Your higher self is your best guide. You’ll know when you meet them and sometimes it’s pretty ridiculous. Doesn’t make sense. Hope you find some peace in this response. Way to kick ass at your career path as well. Proud of you.
I’m in academia as faculty. A large portion of my friends are academics and the majority of them are married with a family or in longterm relationships.
Likewise, looking at my colleagues, I would say that in my department, maybe only three of us are not married, but the rest of people are and also have children. And all the people who were on my committee in grad school, 3 women, one man, are also married. I would say academics are no less likely to be in relationships and have families than anyone else.
Please try to look at the people around you. Whether it’s your professors, other grad students, etc as opposed to listening to amorphous talk in the atmosphere about dating prospects.
I am a man and not an academic so it’s not appropriate for me give advice. I can, however, speak to my own experience. I met my wife when she was on her second year of a humanities PhD when she was 27. She was attending a top west coast R1/public ivy. When we first started dating, I told her I intended to stay in our city and did not wish to move. We got married 3 years later and she completed her PhD the following year. I think frank communication and listing of expectations from both of us was critical. We needed to know what our non negotiable positions were prior to marriage.
Surely my decision to stay in our city has limited my wife’s job search. She was in adjunct hell off-and-on for three years in between having children. There were times she didn’t adjunct for 6-9 months. That being said, I am a tax attorney and make a very lucrative salary. That was the critical factor in allowing my wife to continue her very narrow job search. I support her goal of only working in academia as her career and will support her forever in all ways to this end.
Miraculously she is now a lecturer finishing year 4 of a renewable 6 year contract at her home institution in a different department and has accepted and signed another 6 year reappointment. Last week she informed me that she is concurrently negotiating a direct appointment to an assistant teaching professor position (these jobs are tenurable and senate faculty at her school) in the same department starting this coming fall. This is purely due to a combination of my wife’s scholarship, networking, killer instinct, and luck. She has taught me that in the academic job market, you always secure the bag, and until then, fuck them.
It’s worked out thus far for my wife, will others accept the same limitations in their career? No.
Haha single 32F still completing my PhD….
I’m probably not the person you’re looking for answers from but I can tell you that dating was difficult in my twenties and it continues to be difficult in my 30s as someone that worked in academia since I was 24. But I do think there are some things Ive learned along the way that I’d like to share.
Nail down what type of person you’re looking for and continue to date regardless of where you are. We can never know when the right person is coming along or when we may move or how long our careers may continue. Your life could change tomorrow in a way that would prevent you from pursuing the route you chose before. You have to decide what is most important to you and put in the effort. If you want a family and a partner as much as you want a successful career then you need to keep dating and trying to find the person who can make that work with you. You will have to compromise with your partner at some point; it is the reality of the two body problem.
Dating in my 30s has been rough in a major metropolitan center but I do still meet decent guys. Things just haven’t worked out for one reason or another. It is a reality that most people are already coupled up and I do have regret about not dating more in my twenties and pushing off thinking about it. However, I’m more confident than Ive ever been and my life has flourished in other ways that I think would make me a better partner now. So did I make the right decision to wait and focus on my career? I think so. But that was my personal decision based on my unique circumstances.
I’m 31. Overwhelmed by men on dating apps and I live in a rural area and use a wheelchair. Men love women. The problem is finding a good man but I actually think late twenties early thirties I meet better quality men than the dumbasses of my early 20s.
Even skipping dating to people really want a life in which they are 29 and the best job prospect they may have is maybe getting a postdoc somewhere on the other side of the globe. Why not consider the option of going to industry as you never know what your priorities lay in 5 years.
I don’t think that’s much of an issue anymore, it’s just so common for people to prioritize careers and then start settling down in early 30s now. Especially if your target dating pool is other highly educated academic types, whose timelines have also probably been shifted back to accommodate grad school.
Regardless, you should absolutely NOT feel pressured into committing to any relationship just because you feel the pressure of a clock. I know people who have made that mistake and been burned by it, and you just end up wasting even more time in bad situations.
My personal experience with settling down as an academic: Met my husband when I was 25, halfway through my PhD. He was also in a graduate program and finished with his Masters around the same time I finished up, so that was convenient. We moved to my postdoc city together where he found a non-academic job in his field. Yes as we build our careers it’s difficult to navigate whose job gets more priority. For instance my postdoc will eventually end and we’ll need to move if I want to keep working, while his job is stable and he has opportunities for promotion. But we talk often about our long term goals and we agree that while his career could really take off here, we don’t like living in this state and we want to move closer to my family. So it’s about strong communication and balancing current career growth vs. longterm life goals. We’re making it work by agreeing that our marriage and longterm enjoyment of life is a lot more important than either of our jobs. We’d both sacrifice our “dream career” if it meant making everything else in our life work better/easier, especially when kids enter the picture.
But this can be difficult to navigate, so I recommend that any high-achieving couples should proactively get marriage counseling so a professional can help facilitate these tough conversations before things get actually bad.
Well what are you after? What does “settling down” mean to you? The only reason you would even need to think about this in terms of being “too late” is if you want to have biological children. If you wait until your 40s, you might have issues. Otherwise, there’s literally no point worrying. I know plenty of women in acadamia and out of it who’ve found their spouses in their 30s, 40s and beyond.
I gave up the TT path because I settled down. I’ve had a really awesome pathway making way more than I would have on the TT route. Downsides are a dearth of research opportunities. I also did NOT want to move around as I already had done that previously in my career (I finished my PhD at 37).
You do you, but understand that you can’t get everything all the time. It’s ok to shift and change to balance another human but not to the point where your goals go away completely.
First of all, there is no age to date and settle down. Given that, as someone already said, it’s a matter of priority. If you feel you want to settle down, have a family, then you plan that and prioritize that over academia. A TT position is in the near future and not immediate. So, it’s up to you on how you would like to prioritize work and life. You can do both if you can manage that.
Some comments here are misleading. Unlike what some people on the internet insinuate, your dating prospects aren’t doomed after thirty. However, dating is definitely easiest when you’re young and in similar circumstances. I was very fortunate to meet my current partner at a time that worked for both of us. Before them, I went out with a lot of really trashy and immature people, for whom it was really obvious why they were single into their 30s. Yes, there are lots of fish in the see… but as you get older, the ugly and weird fish get thrown back. People gain baggage from past relationships and it becomes harder and harder to decide what, if anything, is worth compromising on.
All that said, do not base your career decisions on potential future relationships that may or may not come to fruition. Wait until you actually have a bird in hand to make those decisions.
Keep in mind that the guys a PhD is trying to marry are not 19 year olds with too much time on the ‘net. There will be problems coordinating a relationship with a dude who also has to do a post-doc in a different country, but finding a guy will not be the problem.
Are we supposed to settle down? Haha I am 35, finishing my 2nd year of a PhD abroad, 3 more years to go and I have no idea where I go next. The only thing in my control is to make clear on dates that I don’t know where I am going to get a position afterwards, and that I work weird schedules. Have you thought if you would be willing to not go for your postdoc positions if you find “””your person”””? (If you believe in that). Only you can answer that, we have so many things to give up on on this career