I don’t pay rent so I can save my money but she’s basically a narcissistic person so I don’t like her I just have to act fake and like I like and agree with everything she says and I have no personal opinions because if I do she attacks me and uses it against me when angry.
Edit: thank you for all the advice 🙂
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Have some grace for your Mom. Choose to view her treatment of you as that’s your Mom. Accept your Mom, BE GRATEFUL cause otherwise you’re taking it for granted. Adjust your behavior based on your acceptance of Moms
We all have to figure out for ourselves how to truly love, understand and respect our parents while keeping up our healthy internal boundaries to not be reactive. Your answer lies in that.
Unless you’re in physical safety then you get out however you can, tell a relative etc.
But it sounds like you’re not in danger, you just don’t like it. So work on making yourself independent so you can move out.
My sister made it from teen years all the way through executive level in banking by simply using the old “nod & smile” technique. Don’t bother wasting brain energy on her. Best of luck❣️
Minimise opportunities for risky conversation, smile and nod and agree with anything raised as long as it doesn’t put you in danger. Keep good manners, follow house rules, keep your head down and and avoid her when you can. Have reasons not to be around so much work- education- volunteering- friends – other family.
But in my experience a narcissist will always find reason to be angry if that’s what they want.
Just plan for your eventual way out. Ensure you have access to your ID and that your finance and valuables are safe, when you are able to move put don’t alert to your plan until they are out of the house and somewhere safe.
Editing to add there is a sub for narcissistic parents on here for support
Check out the Grey rock method used for interacting with narcissists.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
What’s most beneficial to you at this time; saving money, or freedom of speech?
My parents used to tell me “when you’re paying the mortgage, you’ll get to make the rules”
Then I got to make the same speech to my kids 25 years later.
You are already doing Gray Rock and Medium Chill. Good. Make your plans, work hard, and be Teflon. Good luck.
Grey rocking
So this is so easy, work, a lot. My oldest works over nights and sleeps during the day. I see her approximately 5 hours collectively a week. During that time she’s either eating or getting home or leaving. Even on her days off she finds places to be outside the house. Doctors appointments, school appointments, key here is she’s not out partying.
Go ahead and do some of these things to protect future you now.
Read adult child of emotionally immature parents. There’s a lot of books that will help you. This is a key to parenting you didn’t receive.
Also, get a PO box , and a storage locker. Nothing worse than a narc stealing your shit.
Lock down your credit. Because they will abuse it .
Learn necessity vrs want. This will be key to budgeting.
Learn cheap easy meals.
Learn how to do laundry, clean and self hygiene.
Practice calling for insurance quotes, and other important things. Go through all the motions. Practice the things.
Study now for the adult responsibilities you will have to navigate alone.
Rather than asserting your point of view, why not ask her clarifying questions about hers. Example Mom: Hondas are the best cars! Op: I hear Toyotas are really good cars too. Do you think Hondas are better? Why? Then let her rant on a bit and maybe ask a couple of questions. If she asks your opinion first, you can always deflect. Op: I haven’t thought much about that. What do you think, Mom?
Every time I visit my grandkids at their house, I have to do this whole fake act. It’s all nodding and agreeing or apologizing for whatever I said or did wrong which can be as simple as asking about the weather. Nothing brings my DIL more joy than mocking me or putting me down. I’m always on eggshells and tread as lightly as possible.
Needless to say I’m glad they’re all getting old enough that I can just take them to my house for a few hours each week.
Wow my daughter who chose to buy a Tesla she couldn’t afford and then got a DUI and then ran somebody over and then got some traffic tickets can’t pay rent. Oh she also got an eviction she wants to stay with me. She’s a messy slob, doesn’t offer me one penny comes home from work and wants to lay on my couch and watch episode after episode of Grey’s Anatomy leaves trash and garbage everywhere won’t wash a dish won’t clean up after herself! Seriously go live on your own and then come back and see how it feels!
You are accurately describing the trade-off: if you want to stay, you need to focus on maintaining calm, not being right. Grey rock, read about narcissists, follow DoctorRamani’s youtube channel.
You also accept that you’re making a choice: a highly stressful environment in order to save money. If you don’t want to do that, you can make a different choice.
If this is the choice you make, you need to make some lifestyle decisions that protect you as best you can from the dangers of living at that kind of stress level. Do whatever keeps you out of the house as much as possible during her waking hours: work an extra job, pick up volunteer work along with having a job, cultivate Third Places you can be (libraries, nature, parks, gym, museums, friends’ houses). Make sure you’re getting solid sleep, though, not staying out until all hours and not self-medicating with drama or substances. Eat well, hydrate, do some physical activity regularly.
You can’t do this forever, so set yourself an end date so you have that to work towards.
If she truly is abusive, it’s not worth it. The constant tension and irritation is stealing your joy. You will always be braced for combat even at work or with others. Instead of embracing things you will start shielding yourself. Also keep in mind some people are easier to love at a distance. You may see your mother in a completely different light when you are out of the home. Maybe she isn’t narcissistic but just old fashioned obnoxious and self centered. But it still causes stress and unhappiness.
But if your situation forces you to stay, then keep busy and take up lots of hobbies. When we fill our lives with lots of positive things, that one negative thing has less importance. Even walking around the block a few times a day helps keep you moving and more positive. Along the way take pictures on your phone. There are websites that give you a photo challenge for the day that are fun to do. Cheap..fun. easy. Time consuming.
Stay safe and good luck.
I’d rather sleep in my car or couch surf than be fake and live with an emotionally abusive person. How old are you?
Yes I’ve done that . İ left home at 17 , no car, shared a house with a group.
Only you can decide what would be more stressful for you, not having that safety net for dealing with having to suppress yourself and be fake.
Different people have different values, expectations, nervous assistance, histories, etc., so which ever suggestion anyone makes here may not be the right thing for you.
And speaking as an old person, you will find there is often no right answer. You just make the best decision you can at the time, you learn something from it, and you just keep going.
Check out ‘Roommates.com’. Here, you can possibly find a roommate more suitable for you than your mom.
There are other sites as well in relation to finding a roommate. Seek ‘Craigs lists roommates in ….whatever city of your interests.
BE CAREFUL of SCAMS though.