Money is one of the main factors for divorce (among cheating ) but money is up there.
A lot of it I think stems from the fact that people don’t like being criticized for their decisions. People kinda suck at reflecting on themselves. Talking about money usually involves talking about debts , stupid purchases you’ve made , at the very least ur forced to face the idea that “I might never make enough money” etc.
I think to have conversations about money with your partner you need to be able to trust them. Both need to care about their finances. If one simply doesn’t count about their debt then having any conversation about it will be impossible.
You just have to have the conversation and pick a process that works for you. My partner and I split by income for most things and do 50/50 on others. We also treat each other to things too.
Parents. Our parents were brought up that it was a sin to let anyone know how much you make… that gets passed down. You need to break the cycle and sit down and talk. In my opinion, based on my friend base, Divorce happens when Spenders marry spenders and spenders Marry savers; but not when savers marry savers.
Things are uncomfortable to talk about if you’re not 100% each others rock. Your significant other and you should be able to talk about anything and everything. Atleast in my opinion it should be that way. Learned a ton after divorce
Money is a mirror for priorities. If you say you don’t care about designer labels and spa days but you do really, having no money to pay your rent is where the truth will show. If you say you’re fiercely independent but really you’re happy to let your partner look after you, them paying for dinner every time is where it will show. If you say you want to be a provider but you keep walking out of jobs, your partner having to scrimp every penny and your kids having to go without is where the truth will show
Best example I can think of is a guy I dated for a while who said all the right things about he’d do anything for me and then said he couldn’t afford to come on a holiday with me (cost about £1k), then a few days later dropped £5k because he felt like it on a vehicle he didn’t need. It’s not that he didn’t have every right to spend his money as he wanted to, of course he did – it wasn’t the money that hurt, it was that “as he wanted to”. He had finite resources, and when it came to allocating them being with me wasn’t a priority. So we were done – not because of the money but because the money had shown me that whatever he said, I wasn’t a priority
We all try to be the person our partner wants us to be, and money is just about the sharpest mirror at showing where we’re not quite being honest, whether it’s outright lies or sincerely wanting and trying to be a slightly different person and just not knowing how to do it. I haven’t found a solution to this
If you are living paycheck to paycheck there isn’t a great solution. If you aren’t however;
Step 1. Make 4 bank accounts. Your Checking, SO checking, joint checking, and savings.
Step 2. Both paychecks go into joint checking
Step 3. Determine critical monthly spending and liabilities. Determine a healthy amount to put in savings/aspirational spending every month, and leave a little extra each month as an emergency fund.
Step 4. Take remaining income surplus and pay each of your checkings an equal monthly allowance that can be spent on anything without each other’s consent.
I would say if you’re dating, you probably want to know the general financial mindset of your partner. For example, are they cool with carrying debt, do they invest in their 401k, do they have a savings account, do they spend shitloads of money on unnecessary shit and stay in debt to look good?
Then when you start talking about getting serious/proposing/moving in together, that’s when you want to get a real picture of their finances. So like log into your credit card, car loan. bank account, student loans, etc and show them to get all your cards on the table. You have to be honest or it’ll cause huge issues later on.
Then when you’re married, you have a person who you’ve already done the step by step process of introducing finances. Last step is to combine your accounts or at least both people have all the login info to all the accounts. Total financial transparency is required for a strong relationship.
Too much nonsense social media with unrealistic expectations. My kids use to have this problem with their GF. My solution is go find one that u can have this conversation with.
Comments
The majority of relationships have a giver and a taker. They have couples who split things but it’s rare regardless of what people say.
The uncomfortable part is the realization that you have to shell out money for this person.
me calculating how to bring up splitting rent without sounding broke 😭
Money is one of the main factors for divorce (among cheating ) but money is up there.
A lot of it I think stems from the fact that people don’t like being criticized for their decisions. People kinda suck at reflecting on themselves. Talking about money usually involves talking about debts , stupid purchases you’ve made , at the very least ur forced to face the idea that “I might never make enough money” etc.
I think to have conversations about money with your partner you need to be able to trust them. Both need to care about their finances. If one simply doesn’t count about their debt then having any conversation about it will be impossible.
Being honest about the unpaid work that goes into a relationship.
I earn 4 times what my partner does, but she does the bulk of the housework…and more importantly we love each other.
There is no easy way…just talk. Either y’all will stay together or not. Money will always show the true side of a person.
[deleted]
Had to delete og bc mistype.
One person usually makes more.
You just have to have the conversation and pick a process that works for you. My partner and I split by income for most things and do 50/50 on others. We also treat each other to things too.
Parents. Our parents were brought up that it was a sin to let anyone know how much you make… that gets passed down. You need to break the cycle and sit down and talk. In my opinion, based on my friend base, Divorce happens when Spenders marry spenders and spenders Marry savers; but not when savers marry savers.
It’s culture.
Get married, then discuss.
Just date or marry someone rich.
Things are uncomfortable to talk about if you’re not 100% each others rock. Your significant other and you should be able to talk about anything and everything. Atleast in my opinion it should be that way. Learned a ton after divorce
Money is a mirror for priorities. If you say you don’t care about designer labels and spa days but you do really, having no money to pay your rent is where the truth will show. If you say you’re fiercely independent but really you’re happy to let your partner look after you, them paying for dinner every time is where it will show. If you say you want to be a provider but you keep walking out of jobs, your partner having to scrimp every penny and your kids having to go without is where the truth will show
Best example I can think of is a guy I dated for a while who said all the right things about he’d do anything for me and then said he couldn’t afford to come on a holiday with me (cost about £1k), then a few days later dropped £5k because he felt like it on a vehicle he didn’t need. It’s not that he didn’t have every right to spend his money as he wanted to, of course he did – it wasn’t the money that hurt, it was that “as he wanted to”. He had finite resources, and when it came to allocating them being with me wasn’t a priority. So we were done – not because of the money but because the money had shown me that whatever he said, I wasn’t a priority
We all try to be the person our partner wants us to be, and money is just about the sharpest mirror at showing where we’re not quite being honest, whether it’s outright lies or sincerely wanting and trying to be a slightly different person and just not knowing how to do it. I haven’t found a solution to this
If you are living paycheck to paycheck there isn’t a great solution. If you aren’t however;
Step 1. Make 4 bank accounts. Your Checking, SO checking, joint checking, and savings.
Step 2. Both paychecks go into joint checking
Step 3. Determine critical monthly spending and liabilities. Determine a healthy amount to put in savings/aspirational spending every month, and leave a little extra each month as an emergency fund.
Step 4. Take remaining income surplus and pay each of your checkings an equal monthly allowance that can be spent on anything without each other’s consent.
I would say if you’re dating, you probably want to know the general financial mindset of your partner. For example, are they cool with carrying debt, do they invest in their 401k, do they have a savings account, do they spend shitloads of money on unnecessary shit and stay in debt to look good?
Then when you start talking about getting serious/proposing/moving in together, that’s when you want to get a real picture of their finances. So like log into your credit card, car loan. bank account, student loans, etc and show them to get all your cards on the table. You have to be honest or it’ll cause huge issues later on.
Then when you’re married, you have a person who you’ve already done the step by step process of introducing finances. Last step is to combine your accounts or at least both people have all the login info to all the accounts. Total financial transparency is required for a strong relationship.
This taboo has to stop every single serious relationship has to discuss this types of things
Too much nonsense social media with unrealistic expectations. My kids use to have this problem with their GF. My solution is go find one that u can have this conversation with.