I’m struggling as I write this, but I don’t really have anyone else to talk to this about without it turning into something big, and I’m not ready for that right now.
For some context, I’m a 21-year-old living at home with my parents and grandfather (~94 y/o, dad’s dad). My family immigrated to Canada from Pakistan in 1991, and I was born and raised in an area that has a pretty large immigrant population, including a lot of Muslims.
So a couple of days ago, I invited over one of my best friends who happens to be a baptized Sikh. He was coming over for the first time, so he wanted to say hello to my family members to be polite. I was also looking forward to him meeting my grandpa, because I knew he’d be able to speak Punjabi with him, which nobody else in my family can. (My parent just speak Urdu, and I can’t even properly speak Urdu)
I expected them to have a nice conversation, but I didn’t expect my grandpa to get as emotional and teary-eyed as he did. He seemed happier to talk to my buddy than he ever has when talking to me. After my friend left, I went to talk to my grandpa to see why he was acting like that. When I walked into his room, he was crying.
I had never seen my grandpa sob like that before, not even at my Dadi’s funeral. After I sat with him for a bit, he told me what happened to him during the partition.
I knew my great-grandparents were killed, but I just assumed they were killed by Sikh or Hindu mobs. I also knew his memories of that time were traumatic, so we never really talked about it, and I never asked either.
He told me he was born and raised a Sikh, and when partition happened, a mob of Muslims attacked his village. He told me that his mother and father were beheaded in front of him for refusing to convert, so out of fear, he said the shahada with a sword to his throat. He said the mob cut his hair and left him with the bodies. He just sat there with his parents until one of his father’s Muslim friends found him and took him in.
He didn’t say much after that, but I could see the guilt on his face. He’s never been overly religious, but he always adhered to the main principles of Islam as far as I’ve seen. praying, fasting, and staying halal. That’s all I’ve ever known him as. A faithful Muslim man.
Then suddenly, yesterday, he asked me to invite my friend back over. He wants to visit a Gurdwara with him.
My parents don’t know about any of this. And I don’t even know how to process it. I feel like I’m broken. I’ve been raised Muslim my whole life, and never even had the slightest idea about any of this. I was never the perfect Muslim, but Islam is a core part of my identity. It’s shaped everything about my life, and most importantly, I believe in it. Or at least I did, I don’t know anymore. How do I make sense of this? Is it all just a part of Allah’s plan?
I feel angry. I know none of this is my grandfather’s fault, but I can’t help but think what I would’ve been had he not been forced to accept Islam under threat of death. What do I do if he decides to leave Islam now, after almost 80 years of living something I guess he never truly believed in?
I need to know what to do, I feel guilty because I’m questioning everything. I just want help, I wish I had never known about this.
I’m posting this across multiple subs because I genuinely want different perspectives. Religious, historical, spiritual, whatever. Please be kind. I’m just trying to understand how to carry something this heavy.
Comments
This is how Islam was spread. Prior to that, Christianity prior to that other pagan religions, etc. You can use this newfound knowledge to see if continuing to follow Islam or any other religion can benefit you in any way. You can find plenty of answers for existential questions in philosophy. I’m atheist, and I don’t feel like there is anything missing from my life.
“…Islam is a core part of my identity. It’s shaped everything about my life…”
Organized religion didn’t make you the typical human being that you are. Christian, Jewish, and Muslim societies weren’t any more or less bloody than before they gained their current faiths. You’ll continue to have so much in common with your Grandfather whether he’s a Muslim, a Mormon, or a Jedi.
Do what feels right. I won’t try to convince into one way or another but having a faith crisis that results in leaving the religion is completely normal. You are not committing a sin. Do a lot of reaserch and decide if you want to be a part of this religion. Most large organised religions have forced people to join at some point in time. I also recommend looking into atheism, agnosticism and other more doubtful ideologies.
Your grandfather went through something horrific. Please be there for him!
Understandably you’re questioning things. Thankfully you live in a country where you can safely do that.
I urge you to get therapy if only to be able to talk freely about what you’re going through.
Your grandfather’s life is not yours. If you want to question your faith, this is your journey. But no one here will have more wisdom about your particular struggles than your grandfather, so all I can suggest is to listen to him while he goes through his own.
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Unfortunately, throughout history, religion has more commonly than not been spread via violence. That doesn’t make a religion itself inherently wrong; it is just the reality of how humans tend to spread cultures and belief systems.
The thing to note about religion, is that more than anything religion has historically been used as a tool to control populaces before the culture has progressed to a point where laws can do so effectively, or before a culture has regressed (I.e. USA) to a point where laws become ineffective.
If you look at religion through that lense, it’s a lot easier to understand the nuance and value of each one. For example (and I’ll use Christianity here as an example as I’m more familiar with it) consider that in a time where every able bodied human is needed for a society to survive, it makes sense that suicide would need to be controlled. That is where religion is helpful. If you believe you will be punished for doing so in the afterlife, you’re less likely to end things. Where as in today’s society, where we acknowledge that people often live longer (due to medical intervention) than they may wish to, assisted dying laws are slowly becoming more common societally.
I’m agnostic personally, I’ve been lucky enough in my life to be exposed to most religions, and they all have their own good and bad aspects. While I (due to cultural systems more than anything) identify more with Christianity than any other, I will say Sikhism is a wonderful religion. Probably one of the few that seem in my opinion to be inherently ‘good’.
All this is to say, it can be confronting to discover the belief system you’ve been a part of has come from a negative place. That doesn’t necessarily mean you should not follow it if you wish to. It may be nice for you, culturally, to join your grandfather on this journey of self re-discovery, and then you can make an informed decision for yourself regarding which belief system you wish to pursue for your life. But, it’s also okay if you’re uncomfortable doing so. With relation to your grandfather, I think you should support him. This is clearly a trauma he’s never dealt with, and you have gifted him an opportunity to do so before he passes. I can’t think of a greater gift you could have given him honestly. Be proud of that if nothing else.
religion is a choice, not a truth. you believe it because that’s what you’ve been told since a young age. and you just found out its not really what you think. its ok to question your beliefs.
In every religion path taken to be spreaded there is also a trail of blood, injustices and other issues.
Your grandfather’s story is one that was very common across the punjab, and as you (now) know, one that was perpetrated both against Muslims and by them. There are stories of trains arriving in station, having everyone on board slaughtered but the driver, and the train arriving in the next station with blood literally pouring out of it. Your grandfather’s story differs from most because it ended with him alive, and living in a free country where his family is safe.
I don’t like to tell you how to feel, but if it were my story, I would be eternally grateful to your grandfather’s Muslim family friend. If you want to keep your Muslim faith, you could see it as an honour to that family, not just a sacrifice on your grandpa’s part.
The norm for centuries was a love and harmony between people of all faiths in that part of the world. It was common that people of all faiths would celebrate each other’s festivals and even pray at each other’s temples.
I don’t know if this will help you find some harmony in your own religious life, but I know I will always wish for peace between peoples. Perhaps Islam continues to provide guidance for you, but perhaps alongside it, you can find wisdom in Sikh or Hindu or Christian traditions.
He was forced to convert, and then was raised by a muslim family. Nobody had a choice there.
You’re in a time and place where you do have the choice to decide. And no, your parents don’t need to know.
The Christian Crusades did similar and worse. That’s why the major religions are the major religions.
Your identity is the same. You were raised Muslim and there’s nothing that needs to change for you. Your grandfather was a Sikh, who was forced to convert to a Muslim and he probably thought he was a Muslim, until he met your friend. Now he’s conflicted between the two parts of himself. I’m not religious but I align with certain practices in Islam and Buddhism. I often compare my beliefs and preferences with my religious friends and we have a lot in common. Being Muslim isn’t your entire identity, you’d probably still be kind, charitable and respectful even if you weren’t religious because that’s just who you are.
Your grandfather might not be comfortable telling your parents or speaking to a counsellor. He only told you because he had to explain his behaviour. Just try to support him while he goes through this identity crisis as you might be the only person he lets in. He could have PTSD from this and he probably wasn’t aware of it until your friend triggered his memories. Someone told me it’s like putting all your trauma in a box, but sooner or later the box has to be opened. You don’t get to decide when it opens.
You don’t get to 1B+ adherents without a little blood. And as others have pointed out, this isn’t specific to Islam in the slightest. Spreading the good news is an inherently violent business — how you react to that reality is up to you.
I think you should go to the Gurdwara with them and I think you should encourage grandpa to tell your parents.
you definitely should not be in the position to carry this after he dies and hasn’t told them
partition was unbelievably brutal and dehumanising and he’s carried this trauma all his life. he had to morph into something he wasn’t, become one of the ‘enemy’
If he was in Rawalpindi the trauma of what he saw is probably something he can never speak of and I’m not surprised he’s kept this hidden for 70+ years. He lost nearly all of himself and probably never felt safe again. He became one of the people that murdered and brutalised his people to survive, and perhaps he’s never forgiven himself.
He didn’t do anything wrong – of course he didn’t. But he’s carried this alone for so long with no support.
This must be so hard to process because Islam is such a core part of you and yet you learn that is only so because of the atrocious violence committed back then. You might not reconcile with this – the weight you’ll carry isn’t dissimilar to what the children and grandchildren of Holocaust victims experience.
you need to open up – I think telling mum and dad is vital. Probably therapy if you can. You can’t deal with this alone.
If he leaves Islam now then you have to recognise that he was never in it.
“If the Lord Allah lives only in the mosque, then to whom does the rest of the world belong? “The God of the Hindus lives in the southern lands, and the God of the Muslims lives in the west. So search in your heart – look deep into your heart of hearts; this is the home and the place where God lives.” (Siri Guru Granth Sahib Ji, Ang 1349)
there is a rapture of religions happening. everywhere. we are just evolving passed it. for me is christianity. I see it as forced and those that preach it are total hypocrites. I left all this shit behind, I still believe in the creator, the metaphors, lessons tought, and what points to truth, universal truths. I like buddhism it seems the most down to earth. Explore bro, you’ll get the idea all religions point to the same thing. but religion itself? to me, it ‘s old trash used to control. that’s that. that has been fragmented into many religions which are manmade so no, you dont have to follow shit. find yourself without the labels. finding yourself can be scary but man, it’s a beautiful journey. opening up allows you to really connect with everyone and stop the judgements as you understand the whole.
What does his faith have anything to do with your faith? Unless of course, you simply „inherited“ your faith without actually having any faith in yourself to begin with…
What happened to him during his childhood is incredibly sad and meeting your friend has brought back memories from his childhood understandably. This is now his time to figure out his faith and explore his reactions and process and reflect. But I genuinely don’t understand why your faith is getting affected here.
Again, maybe you don’t have any faith and that’s just surfacing. If that’s the case, then that’s unfortunate and I guess you genuinely need to reflect on why you never had faith to begin with.
Hate to break this to you, but this kind of violence is how Islam has been historically spread. It’s a pretty scary religion… and it makes me sad for you and your grandfather.
Video record or voice record your grandfather’s history. Have him tell you so you can have it for later.
Much like the Jews, who were subject to what they went through in Nazi Germany and later before they died, they were recorded so people can hear them after they have passed.
Much like what Isis did in Syria to those not Muslim and forced conversion.
What’s your grandfather described is horrific?
There are so much to unpack. It is a shock to you. It has been a shock to your grandfather for the majority of his life.
You take it step-by-step.
You do not need to make any major changes and you did not say it, but your grandfather did not ask you to make a change.
He told you what happened to him and his parents, your great grandparents.
There was a recent episode of a podcast called Noble Blood where a Jewish child was raised by the Pope (Mar 18 ep – The Pope’s Kidnapped Child).
Your grandfather’s story is not unique in history. You can decide what to do with your life, including delving deeper into analyzing your relationship with Islam.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1947_Rawalpindi_massacres
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-40874496.amp
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/14/world/asia/india-partition-history-photos.html
Wow! True off of my chest. I feel for your grandfather