I’m deeply worried about my sister-in-law and disgusted by my brother-in-law’s choices

I (30F) am in a loving relationship with my partner, Gareth (32M). He comes from a big, warm family, and I genuinely love them all. Over the years, I’ve grown especially close with his brother’s wife, Melissa (36F). She and I have shared a lot with each other. Melissa’s had a really rough time since moving to our country, and I’ve always had a soft spot for her.

Gareth’s sister is getting married this weekend in another country. The wedding was planned very last minute, and flight prices are through the roof. I decided not to go, as did the other siblings’ partners—we all just returned from an expensive family holiday. We chose to sit this one out and support from afar while our partners attend.

Melissa’s situation, however, is completely different. She’s currently pregnant with her fourth child and has been in and out of hospital. Her two eldest children (8 and 10) are from a previous marriage to an abusive ex who, horrifyingly, once tried to kill her. When she first moved here, she didn’t speak English and had no support system. Sadly, her ex gained primary custody of those kids, but they’re visiting her now during school holidays.

Her third child, a toddler, is extremely attached to her and doesn’t give her a moment’s peace. Melissa didn’t want more children because her past pregnancies have nearly cost her her life. Her health is fragile even when not pregnant, and this pregnancy has been especially hard. Her husband, Derrick (37M), pushed for another baby so their youngest would have a sibling close in age.

Despite all the complications and stress, Derrick decided—on even shorter notice than the wedding itself—that he was going to attend. That meant leaving Melissa alone with all three children. Just before he left, they had a routine nurse check-up, and she was told her blood pressure was dangerously high—she needed to be admitted to hospital. He still left. And he didn’t tell any of us.

So, she went to hospital alone. Doctors said she needed to be admitted, but because she had no one to watch the kids, she signed herself out against medical advice. She had to sign a waiver saying if anything happens to her, it’s her responsibility.

Eventually, she reached out to me. I was horrified. I offered to take the kids so she could get the care she needs, but she understandably wasn’t comfortable with that. I don’t have children, and she and the kids are terrified of dogs—which I have. He’s gentle and sweet, but their fear is deep and would only cause them more stress. On top of that, her kids don’t really know me, and they’re already traumatised from their abusive father. She wants to be present to manage their emotions—that’s her priority.

I told my partner what was going on and asked him to speak to his brother, to try and convince him to go back home. It didn’t work. He went ahead with the trip. Now, I’m sitting here sick with worry for her, her health, and the unborn child.

I’m in utter shock. I’m disgusted with my brother-in-law. I’m also disappointed that no one traveling with him told him to turn back. I don’t know what to do. I feel powerless. I can’t take my dog to Melissa’s, and I don’t have anyone who can watch him. I feel like I’m failing her—and if something happens to her, I don’t know how I’ll live with it. I feel like an accomplice to her pain and suffering.

Any advice would be deeply appreciated.

EDIT

I’ve decided to board my dog and go stay with Melissa for a few days to support her directly. I’ve also spoken to some of the in-laws about pitching in over the next 10 days. She still has a long way to go in this pregnancy, not to mention the birth and caring for a newborn. I can’t stop thinking about what that’s going to look like for her—especially if things continue like this.

I’m wondering whether I should speak directly to Derrick. I’m honestly so angry right now, and I don’t want that to cloud the conversation—but I also feel like something needs to be said. I asked Melissa if she was okay with me speaking to him, and she said, “He’s your brother-in-law, you can tell him whatever you want. I have no more fight in me—not even for him or our marriage.”

That broke me.

If I do talk to him, how do I approach it in a way that’s firm but not explosive? What would you even say to someone like that?