A mother in this cafe just healed my inner child. She was gently encouraging her daughter to go up and ask the owner for a takeaway box. The little girl started walking up a few times but then stopped because she was shy and kept turning back. Her mom tried gently encouraging her a few times and telling her it was okay. But then turns out she was just too shy and instead of getting upset at her, making a big deal at out of it she just said “Thats okay, you don’t have to if you don’t feel comfortable, mommy will be right back” and she went to get it. And it just instantly brought up these feelings of when I was little, being shamed for not being able to do it or made to feel stupid and useless.
And now I’m crying in a cafe.
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Some scars come back after a long time. It is good to hear that there is a parent actually validating her kid’s emotions and helping with the process instead of forcing the situation
God bless that Mother.
Just popping in to say, that’s a job well done on your part as well! You are the one who paid attention and did the emotional work for yourself based on that mother’s example.
Best of luck out there, take care!
God this exact situation used to happen to me. Would get practically forced to go up sometimes under threat of violence. Was an autistic and very shy child which she was well aware of.
I have countless memories like this where my nFather forced me to do something I didn’t feel comfortable doing.
At the time, since he so heavily shamed and punished me for having boundaries and empathy, I believed it was just me who was completely screwed up and in the wrong.
As I became an adult, I realized that it was actually my nFather who had no empathy or sense of social norms and that the things he was pushing me to do WERE absolutely socially and morally inappropriate and that even I, as a child, sensed or knew from learning social contract, were actions and behaviours that were in fact, wrong.
It was never something like simply asking for a take out box, it was usually something like sending me up to ask for a discount on an item that was already discounted, or asking for something extra for free, or asking for a service or product that the store doesn’t offer and so on……..
As an adult, looking back, I realized my nFather used me to manipulate people and make them uncomfortable so there was an increased chance that they would give him what they wanted even when it was inappropriate.
My sense of normalcy is so messed up that when I started reading this I thought “oh god it’s going to be about how this mother made her child do it anyway to ‘increase her confidence.’” That’s exactly how my mother operated and then would go ballistic if I eventually couldn’t do it.
That mom could have had narcissistic parents herself. I have a daughter that I’d do that with. We are not doomed to be like our parents, I promise 💗hugs to you
What a wonderful experience, I hope you have many more.
Too bad not so many have commented yet, I would have loved to read many healing stories.
For all those who still want one…
A few days ago I saw a short on YT in which a mother filmed herself at the steering wheel. The situation was, she and her (presumably 2) children were in an amusement park, apparently it was clearly communicated in advance that the trip would be canceled immediately if the children misbehaved.
The children were angry, crying and yet she remained super calm, respectful and explained to them again piece by piece what had been agreed and why they were now going home.
The way she talked to the children, acknowledged their frustration, helped them to deal with their feelings. At no point were the children degraded or devalued, they were not threatened, nothing like that.
Watching this mom manage a broken trip, her inner strength, the respect for her angry children, just incredibly healing.
If you might be reading this blonde YT mom (or any other mom who respects her children like this) I want to tell you, somewhere out there is a grown up little girl who you are shaping as deeply with your actions as you are shaping your own children with your love.
Thank you for existing..
This story Brought back a memory of being shamed for letting someone cut in front of me at a fast food restaurant….I didn’t let them. I was so little they couldn’t see me over the counter. Some random guy had to tell the person behind the counter I was standing there and should be helped before him.
The whole time my mother just sat there watching from across the room. Never stepped in to assist or make sure they saw me. Just told me how disappointed she was when I got back to her for not standing up for myself and I guess…growing taller immediately?
Meanwhile my mother sent me to order a crabby patty in a McDonalds (they had some sort of special on seafood) none of the items was a crabby patty exactly though, nor did I have them memorized to know what she actually meant, so I had to go with those exact words and in the end felt like a total idiot.
I see it all the time when parenting. My daughter asks me sometimes if something is her fault and I say no and take the responsibility for somethin when it’s my fault (the parent). That feeling of being blamed for something that is not my fault is a huge trigger for me
That’s so cute. My siblings were too shy so they made me ask for everything on their behalf in restaurants and cafés 😂 I was shy too but the least shy amongst us, I guess
That would also reduce me to tears on the spot. N-dad ruthlessly shamed me for my social anxiety which he had a huge part in creating. He made threats when I didn’t want to speak to a stranger. My non-N mom did some of the shaming, too.
💕 Internet hugs for you and everyone else who has gone through this.
Examples of good parenting still make me tear up too. Can’t help it. It’s so lovely to see a child being treated properly. It’s a form of validation to know that we weren’t treated properly.
You witnessed something truly beautiful.
((Hugs))
That’s really nice, actually. I always love overhearing people being good parents. It absoultely “heals” me.
I went to the movies a few weeks ago and overheard a dad in the bathroom teaching his son how to wash his hands—basic bonding and education that NEVER occured in my family. I legitimately got emotional over it.
Sometimes, I really don’t like these moments that inadvertently remind us of our past. It is a bittersweet reminder of all the things we think about and wonder, was is really as bad as we say/think? My doctor once told me, not to beat myself up for these incidents/reminders. It’s not at all that we’ve somehow failed or haven’t gotten over something. It’s just a reminder that life is lived on a spiral and although we may think we’re right back at where we’ve started, actually we are not. We’re just above where the memories took place and with age and clarity, we are reminded of the original pain, and with maturity and wisdom, we understand that what happened was real and we should acknowledge and promise to do better for our inner children. It is astounding to see parents actually do the right thing and treat their children with dignity and respect. To be honestly valued and cared for. It should have happened for all of us. You just happened to glimpse what good parenting looks like. Please, have a talk with your little child inside and remind her/him that you were worth being considered. You were not and are not stupid and useless. You deserved love and kindness. It’s gonna sound weird, but actually give yourself a hug. I know it won’t be what it should have been. But you just do it. It takes practise and feels incredibly odd. But, you are worth it, you deserve it, and I’d do it, if I was there. Always try to be kind to yourself. Your parents were wrong. Hang in there, one day at a time. Little steps. You got this.
I teared up just reading this. Thank you for sharing!
That is beautiful. That mother sounds really sweet. My mom used to heckle me for not talking when she would introduce me to strangers. I was socially awkward and never knew what to say because everything felt so forced. She’d always bring it up in conversations how I don’t talk to people and said it as if there was something wrong with me. Truth is, I’m great at conversation once I feel it’s safe to. She didn’t get that.
Parents who are gentle to their kids will help make the world a better place. We have too many parents undeserving of even having children in the first place.
When we moved into this house I found this pretty vintage mirror that fit my teenage daughter’s vibe. I was excited and I said, “We can put it in the bathroom and then you can use it to see the back when you’re doing your hair!”
She looked at me and said, “Why would I ever need to do that? If I need someone to look at or help me with the back of my hair, I always just ask you. That seems awkward and weird to have to use two mirrors.”
I was just like, “…oh, yeah, right.” And then after she happily bounced off I cried.
My mother never helped me with anything, and when I was young enough to need help she ripped through my hair so viciously that I hated her coming anywhere near me with a brush. It never occurred to me that my daughter just defaults to trust and asking for help without a second thought. Such a small moment but it fully wrecked me.
I actually had a similar experience in a Cafe. There was a water feature outside the cafe that kids would play in (think those jumping water fountains that pop up from the ground). And a little girl was there with her father, and she had a bucket. She filled the bucket with the water from the fountain and her father actually bent down and let her pour it over her head. She was having so much fun, and I realized I was watching transfixed waiting for this other the other shoe to drop and waiting for the father to get mad. But he didn’t get mad, instead he was delighted.
It made me hurt so much, so many times I was screamed at for just being a kid and having fun. Like throwing water balloons (while we were in swimwear) in the summer. Or running up to my parents being delighted they were home. A little voice inside me still says “Thats not for me. I’m not worthy.”