MY dad would constantly reassure me that him being terrified of his father was infact normal and should be encourage. He would go on and on about how he never got a punishment he didn’t deserve and how he was a rowdy kid.
My grandfather died in his 40s so when my father was like 20, funny thing is when i asked him if he would speak to him if he were alive now he said no lol.
I genuinely think this is some sort of fucked up coping mechanism making him justify his childhood and how he raised me and my siblings.
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I remember telling my mom I was afraid of her and she said good
My mom was proud that she was the only person in my family I was afraid of. She thought it meant I respected her the most. She still has no idea I had literal nightmares about her. I feel you OP.
yep—classic generational trauma olympics
“i was scared of my dad and turned out fine” = i’m not ready to admit i was abused
so they recycle the fear as “discipline” to keep the lie alive
your dad didn’t normalize fear—he normalized emotional neglect
and now he’s gaslighting himself and you to make it make sense
you’re not crazy
you’re the one breaking the cycle
keep questioning it—that’s how it ends
I was told that kids were supposed to fear their parents.
I was going to basic training for the Air Force 2 weeks after I graduated high school. To justify his abuse, my dad said he berated me and talked down to me so much that so during basic, when I was getting yelled at it “wouldn’t bother me like it does other people”. If I’m afraid of him most, I won’t be afraid of anyone else. Twisted thought process if you ask me.
I still am terrified of my mother. She would say similar things like that we should essentially worship her because she’s our mother. Most of the abuse was directed towards me as the scapegoat, the treatment of my GC brother infuriated me and I unfortunately took out a lot of my frustrations on him for a couple of years. It was a cycle of fear, I was terrified of my mother and my brother was terrified of me. Although he was the golden child he did suffer some abuse at her hands for sure, it was just nowhere near as much as me
Oh mine think it’s infact essential to be afraid of a parent.
My dad always said some weird shit like “if you’re not going to respect me then you will have to fear me until you respect me”??????
Being a bit worried that your parents will be cross or disappointed in bad behaviour is fairly normal I think.
However being terrified and walking on eggshells constantly, avoiding them when they are in a bad mood, dreading them walking through the door after work as the atmosphere just drops…is not normal.
My mum kept the emotional abuse up because she said I was too soft.
Try being a lesbian in the 90s and having to navigate all the shit as well as being the picked on kid because turns out all abusers can smell that.
The real world doesn’t feature people screaming at me for hours because I did something minor like drop a plate or be in the way.
My mom enjoyed that I feared her. Even as a grown adult my mom had no problems hitting me if she felt I deserved it. As fucked up as it is I’m happy my mom is no longer living. I feel guilty of that.
I’ve always been terrified of my mother and her anger. One of her favourite sayings was “an angry Mummy is not a pretty sight!” Even typing it out gives me chills.
My mother is the monster in my nightmares. She still thinks my “evil” dogs corrupted me into not loving her.
Yes – what you said
They foolishly confuse fear with respect
Normal? It’s a requirement for mine. If you are not afraid you are not respecting them enough.
I always question if I was abused or not. I believe I am but the amount of times I was told I had it good even though I was miserable.
Omg yes. My mom said that she thinks it should be hard to ask your parents for help. But both my parents have said that I should be afraid of them in the past. Like wtf? Why did you have me? Why did you constantly tell me that you were the only people that would be there for me?
Damn you unlocked something I totally forgot… he also scared my friends…
They love it when people are afraid of them. Makes them feel powerful. Me, I’d be mortified – but then I’m not a narcissist.
“Respect me or fear me. I don’t care which.”
Yes. My narc mom was also afraid of her parents and thinks it’s a good thing. She thinks that means she respects them, and she believes I should fear her because that means I respect her. I don’t believe it’s possible to respect someone that you’re afraid of.
I think these types of parents are trying to justify the abuse as a coping mechanism, better that than to face the fact that their parents made mistakes and abused them and possibly don’t truly love them.
I used to do this as well, I would justify clear abuse and convince myself that it taught me a lesson. It only taught me to fear her, I also believed fear=respect because that’s how she raised me because she believes that. I’m glad I opened my eyes and unlearned that toxic mindset
Oh yes, I have heard this many times in many ways
Like “the beatings i got, i deserved.” With a note of ‘I have turned out terrible and probably be in jail if I didn’t get beat.”
Child being feral in public, I’ve heard comments like “this is what happens when kids aren’t taught to fear their parents.”
Sometimes, fear gets conflated with respect. Like they say something like “at least my kids respect me.” But if you know the signs, you can see it’s not respect it’s fear. My parents used this a lot they couldn’t openly admit to controlling me through fear, so they cultivated a narrative around respect. Even pointing out how respectful I was towards other adults. I didn’t respect them… or it never crossed my mind if I respected these other adults or not. However, I knew that at the end of the day, I had to go home to my parents. If they felt I had harmed their precious image in any way I was in for a rough night, and I’d hear about how terrible and awful I was from here to eternity. It was never respect it was always fear.
I never told her I was afraid of her (because I stopped being afraid when I started highschool, was just very annoyed and disgusted), but she told me many times she wanted me to be afraid of her. Also, either when she beat me or she gave me other punishments like grounding me or taking my electronics, she was always “better you suffer now than me suffering later” (as in better you feel pain and trauma now rather than something bad happens to you while you’re out and I suffer for that)
My mother always said “she’d rather be feared than loved.” She got her wish. She’s been dead almost a decade and I’m still terrified of her.
No but “I was too nice to you.” Or “I’ve been too patient with you.” “I should’ve been meaner.”
They always know exactly what to say to make your blood boil.