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They want to be praised, and having a family is seen as a positive thing for most cultures. I think they also yearn for the admiration and love that a child gives, not thinking about the longterm. Not considering the longterm effects of their actions is a huge issue with narcissits, I’ve noticed.
Also, although extremely unpleasant, narcissists are humans and do have “normal” feelings and desires, they are just often thwarted with their refusal to accept reality. A lot of narcissists probably have the best of intentions, want to raise a child better than they were raised. Want to give someone a life they didn’t have. But they severely overestimate their emotional capabilities. Or don’t even consider it.
The total lack of consideration narcissists have is beyond comprehension for me.
To “keep up with the Joneses,” to increase their narcissistic supply, to have a perfect victim to abuse), to pretend they’re caretakers and good people to the outside world, to blend in like wolves in sheep’s clothing, to have someone to blame for their unhappiness, to pass on their tradition of conditional love…
Or maybe there is no reason at all — maybe they just make decisions based on what feels good at the time (I was an accident too), and then blame their husband and children for the slightest inconvenience
My mom had kids because it was the normal thing to do, and my mother wanted a baby as an accessory, not really wanting anything pertaining to raising me once I stopped being cute and small. The less I was dependent on her, the more miserable and controlling she got.
As for my dad, I think he just blindly went along with anything my mom wanted. He already had two kids with two different women. He was hoping for another boy though and ended up with a disabled daughter.
I think a lot of narcs are obsessed with normalcy and “normal”, successful, respectable people have children so that’s just what you do, I think. Why not, after all? They only have all of the rights and none of the culpability.
“A child will be an extension of my self and do everything I think they should do, after all, right?”
Extensions of themselves, someone they can teach to rely on/love them, an opportunity to prove what a great person/parent/community member they are to others
They usually start to dislike their kids when they get older or more independent and that’s no coincidence.
My ndad wanted to rawdog and plant his seed (at least 8 kids, possibly more) and nmom wanted to babytrap (she was his mistress). She also liked being pregnant (but “never wanted kids”)…
They need trophies to show their friends/family, and pawns to push around on their chessboard to arrange as they wish.
Really, I think my nDad still does not comprehend that his son is a thriving and independent individual. His transactional mind wants me to “pay him back” quid pro quo for all the food he put on the table, etc etc etc, but expects this to be done in the form of my time, emotional energy, and obedience to his wishes. Yeah, if that is your expectation of children when you’re thinking about having children, then I agree with the person who commented that they just shouldn’t have children. The idea of giving love to a child with no expectation in return is totally foreign and confusing to a narcissist. The irony is that had my dad ever learned to love unconditionally, he’d probably would be surrounded by people who voluntarily want to give him their time and energy. Instead, he remains angry at the world and left to wallow in his own toxic worldview, and regularly trashes his own children as “ungrateful”.
Because it’s not a big deal to them, just something to do when you get bord or feeling like something’s missing..also for the status and any societal perks.
I think they felt like they had to, like having kids was just what adults do. They didn’t have the internet so the only opinions they heard were those of their friend’s. Today you can go on the internet and find lots of other people who feel happy and fulfilled without having children. But back then, I don’t think my parents knew anyone like that and so they had kids because they thought it was the natural progression in life.
She needed to be “first,” because she was always in competition with her sister. Then she had me, and realized that she couldn’t stand babies, and didn’t like me.
My mother liked the attention, saw her children (under 10) like having dolls, liked the idea of control and having someone to own, and wants people who won’t be able to abandon her (though for the abandonment that didn’t work out considering I’m no contact)
It certainly wasn’t because of any maternal yearnings, that’s for sure. My brother and I both were conceived in order to trap men into marriage.
I was conceived so Nmom could elope at 16, she was tired of following the house rules. That marriage lasted four months, she had to move back home, and I was born three months later.
My brother was conceived because Mamaw told mom she needed to get a job when I was three months old, and Nmom didn’t want to work. That’s when she met and married the man I call dad. My brother was born seven months after the wedding. That marriage lasted eight years.
She is now in her late 70’s and currently on husband #8. I’ve been NC for three years.
“Cos God says contraception is wrong” So you have 5 children inside 3 years and spend all day and night bitching about them getting in your way, being too expensive etc etc.
I think it might be a little different for each narcissist for my mother it was all about appearances. She wanted to look like the perfect mother and she wanted all the accolades from everybody about what a great mother she was what a wonderful caretaker she could be. She also wanted endless admiration from her children and little dolls that were robotic and did exactly as she commanded she wanted to be worshiped.
I was an accident, he’s been very thorough and persistent about telling me that. He didn’t have another one though, he’s gay now. I think he was just exploring his sexuality with my mother, and as far as I’ve been told they only had sex once to get me. I’m really glad he didn’t have another child.. but in the back of my mind I’ve always thought that it would’ve been nice to have a sibling so we could’ve been there for each other.
I guess there are alot of reasons. For one there is tradition, alot of people just have kids because they believe that’s the way it has to be. Another one of course is that being a parent will lead to alot of attention and praise. They might also believe that children can be molded into anything they want which can be whatever the narc desires or needs. You also have complete control over your child’s life for many many years.
I’m pretty sure my nmom had kids because she expected them to be her little servants for the rest of her life and an eternal supply of love and praise for her. She treated my sister and I like slaves, we constantly had to do stuff for her so we barely had any free time for our own interests or friends. Later on she would “ask” (“no” was unacceptable) for money all the time aswell. She would also always accuse us of hating her and that if we really loved her we would/n’t have done X or Y. When we moved out she told us she now regrets having had children because since we are moving out now we are leaving her so it was pointless to have had children. Lol
Half of kids are unplanned and abortion isn’t necessarily always available nor desired for many reasons.
As to the planned instances… No clue. I guess as an extension of themselves, to look good, to look like they can tell the world someone desires them, to have little people to be their emotional punching bags. I’d have to ask my father why. My mother told me she didn’t want kids but had them anyway just to see if she could.
they don’t have kids to raise someone
they have them to own someone
a built-in audience
a lifelong supply of attention, validation, or someone to blame when life doesn’t go their way
they see children as extensions, not individuals
which is why your needs were always a threat
why your independence felt like betrayal
why “love” came with strings and shame
they didn’t want a child
they wanted a mirror that never cracked
Partly the same as everyone else, because most societies expect you to, and partly because they want the undivided love, attention and almost worshipfulness of a small child, of course without any consideration of the fact the child will get older.
My mother is ALWAYS saying she wishes I could go back to being a baby, if only I stayed age 2 forever, I was so nice when I was a baby but look at me now etc etc. Which is funny because some of my earliest memories are of her being horrible to me.
They wanted approval from their parents. They wanted approval from conforming to a societal role. They thought a kid would fix the marriage (or force one). They thought a kid would heal their own issues. They thought a kid would be easy. They thought that they were going to have a clone of themselves and are shocked they made a whole person. They loved the idea of babies and nothing more. They wanted to fit in with their friends who were also having kids. They wanted the attention that the baby parties provide. They want a supply of online content and to hell with a child’s consent or safety.
And when that didn’t work, they chose to have another. Lather, rinse, repeat.
My mother saw riches by getting with my dad. My dad was a incompetent drunk buffoon who saw an opportunity to have sex with someone attractive with little to no effort. My mother made my brother the golden child and gave him everything to be successful so she could rub it in other parent’s noses that she was a better mother, I was a thief of time, effort and resources from my brother but she eventually repurposed me to garner sympathy of how much of a devil child I was.
These people only see you as a source of utility and property.
Everything is about them, remember? Having kids is just another tool to make everything about themselves even further. And yeah it adds to their standing in society. It’s a feather in their cap. It has nothing to do with raising a child in a loving environment or wanting to experience the joys of parenthood.
I also don’t believe they have any ‘good intentions’ about giving their child a wonderful life. They want everyone including the child to just think they have the ‘good intentions’ because that makes them seem like saints, adding onto their standing in the society.
And lastly, they need a scapegoat. That’s where they get their kicks from.
A) bc they’re supposed to. Women are raised to get married and have kids. That’s why so many feel you’re unaccomplished if you aren’t married or if you’re childfree. B) to have a servant/punching bag for life. They never stood up to their abusers so they take it out on someone they feel won’t stand up either.
I’m adopted. My mom desperately wanted a little girl. In her words, “I had a dog and I loved that so I thought what’s better than a dog, a child.”
Later on she told me “dogs are better because they just love you unconditionally”, as if my resentment towards her was somehow unfounded because I can actually talk back and don’t just follow her around doing whatever she says.
I think my parents… (1) liked looking at cute babies (though they weren’t ready to accept adult responsibilities that come with having babies), and (2) loved the idea of being good parents.
I was 100% conceived as a patch on a failing 10-year-old marriage. I was designed to guarantee my dad couldn’t go anywhere. Worked for 10 years until her “you’re not a good enough provider” of 20 years caused him to move to a place better for his job & we followed a year-ish later.
He was able to stand 3 more years until he let me know at 14 that he was leaving my Nmom & wanted me to come with him. I didn’t know why I needed to go with him, but I did know it, & I did go.
And then more stuff happened & the abuse went on for me for another 25 years until I finally saw it.
My parents had kids because of peer pressure from their siblings. NM was approaching 34 before she even attempted to start having kids because her sisters were telling her she’d regret it if she never had kids. But she never actually wanted kids.
Easy. They think their children will love them unconditionally. Then they find out they have to make sacrifices, and it pisses them off, and they take it out on their kids like we’re the ones who wanted to be here in the first place.
Well I know my adoptive parents (N Dad) and avoidant mom, couldn’t conceive naturally. So I was given the privilege to grace their presence and give them both all of the self-esteem they needed as I was growing up. Now that I’m a hollow shell of a man, full of disdain for my life, no connections, and giving up on being a compassionate person, they get to go on happy with their lives and pleased because they raised a child that at least was able to leave the house and give them their peace back. Damn me for being a “difficult child” with those pesky “needs”. Lol, don’t worry, the needs didn’t stick around long.
My parents had kids because it was expected back then. (1980s) Everyone had kids, it was considered weird if you didn’t. My Nmom wanted a cute little happy complacent baby she could show off and dress up. She wanted the happy picture, a pretty little projection of success. She was determined to a)get married b) have babies. That’s her whole goal, didn’t consider anything else.
My mother is still low key disappointed that I don’t listen to each and every single piece of “advice” she has for me to follow. It took a long time for her to figure out that I would never grow up to be just like her.
Lots of attention when your trying, expecting, have a newborn and then a cute little kid to show off. Dress them up like a little doll and get loads of fuss.
Something to control every aspect of and know that whatever they do they’ll still love them as children tend to unconditionally love their parents.
Something that is an extention of them. A mini them. That they obviously know so well “better than they know themselves” because they aren’t their own person, they are them.
Power, control, to feel superior over a helpless, vulnerable person who is essentially trapped with them for years, who doesn’t know better and doesn’t have the tools to advocate for themselves. Children re also a tool for them to look fantastic, they can play ‘loving parent’ in public and get supply from that, whilst neglecting you and being cruel in private.
Well according to my Nmom, my dad and the rest of the family; I am only here to ‘trap my dad into marrying my mom’. Yes, those words were said to me more than once by several family members.
For the same reason as so many people. It is a norm and people don’t think much about it. Narcissists do not necessarily think they are devoid of the capacity to raise emotionally healthy children, so there is no need for them to avoid having children. And some are probably so proud that there is a legacy issue somewhere. For others, it completes their identity as a functional individual, but there are so many non-narcissistic people who think along these lines. Is there one thing narcissists do not feel entitled to?
my father said to protect his legacy and make sure someone would take care of him when he’s older. jokes on him, they moved states away and i stopped talking to them.
my mom had kids because she felt that’s what you’re supposed to do. i dont think she ever wanted to be a mother.
Society pushes the idea that they are suppose to/ need to/ have to have kids. They thought it would fix their relationship. They hoped it would give their life meaning/ purpose. They wanted something to give them attention. As other stated an accessory like a watch, hat, bag or scarf. Then a common one was acting without think leading to what man will claim was a “happy accident” usually due to rushing into things, lack of access to the knowledge or tools that could of helped them avoid the accident or intentionally withholding them by those who wanted them to have the “accident”.
In my case it was because “that’s just what you do”. I believe my mom stopped loving me the day she couldn’t control me anymore. Then my only worth was as a tool to try to get favor and reputation from other people. Same with the grandkids, as soon as they had developed self identity she no longer wanted to spend time with them, they were just a nuisance from then on.
Well my mom has the mind of a child she liked to play with baby dolls her whole life and essentially just wanted a toy that she didn’t have to do any actual work in regard to. Then as soon as they get married she threw out her birth control without telling my dad and got pregnant and he’s resented me my entire life for being the result of that…
Generally speaking it’s estimated at least 51% of kids are not planned. And as for the narcissists who did plan their kids they likely had an idealized image of the kids they would have and when the kid/kids don’t turn out that way they imagined in their fantasy they resent them.
In my mom’s case, she was trying to create a perfect family to make up for her own horrible childhood. It never seemed to occur to her that forcing us to play out her imaginary dream family was its own form of abuse.
Because they’re “supposed to” or because accidents happen. That’s all I can think of; in fairness I can’t think of a good reason for ANYONE to have kids so take it with a grain of salt.
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I don’t know but I really wish they hadn’t.
A trendy accessory until they get bored of it and discard.
They want to be praised, and having a family is seen as a positive thing for most cultures. I think they also yearn for the admiration and love that a child gives, not thinking about the longterm. Not considering the longterm effects of their actions is a huge issue with narcissits, I’ve noticed.
Also, although extremely unpleasant, narcissists are humans and do have “normal” feelings and desires, they are just often thwarted with their refusal to accept reality. A lot of narcissists probably have the best of intentions, want to raise a child better than they were raised. Want to give someone a life they didn’t have. But they severely overestimate their emotional capabilities. Or don’t even consider it.
The total lack of consideration narcissists have is beyond comprehension for me.
I don’t know. I was an accident. My parents didn’t want nor were planning on having kids and I just appeared.
For them it’s a status symbol. As simple as that. A lot of them talk about “leaving a legacy”. That’s all they care about.
To “keep up with the Joneses,” to increase their narcissistic supply, to have a perfect victim to abuse), to pretend they’re caretakers and good people to the outside world, to blend in like wolves in sheep’s clothing, to have someone to blame for their unhappiness, to pass on their tradition of conditional love…
Or maybe there is no reason at all — maybe they just make decisions based on what feels good at the time (I was an accident too), and then blame their husband and children for the slightest inconvenience
My mom had kids because it was the normal thing to do, and my mother wanted a baby as an accessory, not really wanting anything pertaining to raising me once I stopped being cute and small. The less I was dependent on her, the more miserable and controlling she got.
As for my dad, I think he just blindly went along with anything my mom wanted. He already had two kids with two different women. He was hoping for another boy though and ended up with a disabled daughter.
She never wanted to have me, when she realized she as pregnanty it was too late already.
And yes she made sure to tell me this in many different ocassions
Because people will figure out there’s something wrong with them if they don’t(/can’t).
Captive, vulnerable audience to abuse. An adult can leave when they’re acting abusive.
I think a lot of narcs are obsessed with normalcy and “normal”, successful, respectable people have children so that’s just what you do, I think. Why not, after all? They only have all of the rights and none of the culpability.
“A child will be an extension of my self and do everything I think they should do, after all, right?”
Extensions of themselves, someone they can teach to rely on/love them, an opportunity to prove what a great person/parent/community member they are to others
They usually start to dislike their kids when they get older or more independent and that’s no coincidence.
They see children as pets and accessories, not actual human beings who have needs and will grow up to be working adults.
My ndad wanted to rawdog and plant his seed (at least 8 kids, possibly more) and nmom wanted to babytrap (she was his mistress). She also liked being pregnant (but “never wanted kids”)…
They need trophies to show their friends/family, and pawns to push around on their chessboard to arrange as they wish.
Really, I think my nDad still does not comprehend that his son is a thriving and independent individual. His transactional mind wants me to “pay him back” quid pro quo for all the food he put on the table, etc etc etc, but expects this to be done in the form of my time, emotional energy, and obedience to his wishes. Yeah, if that is your expectation of children when you’re thinking about having children, then I agree with the person who commented that they just shouldn’t have children. The idea of giving love to a child with no expectation in return is totally foreign and confusing to a narcissist. The irony is that had my dad ever learned to love unconditionally, he’d probably would be surrounded by people who voluntarily want to give him their time and energy. Instead, he remains angry at the world and left to wallow in his own toxic worldview, and regularly trashes his own children as “ungrateful”.
Because it’s not a big deal to them, just something to do when you get bord or feeling like something’s missing..also for the status and any societal perks.
In my case, my parents are trying for a boy. Mom practically discarded me when my little sister was born.
My Ndad was all about appearances. He wanted the wife, the kids, the picket fence and the big house.
I know one reason is to kind of create a caretaker for when they’re of older age.
We were all accidents. You think they’d have figured it out after the first accident. There were 5 in total. 🙄
Unpaid servants and whipping boy/girls
I think they felt like they had to, like having kids was just what adults do. They didn’t have the internet so the only opinions they heard were those of their friend’s. Today you can go on the internet and find lots of other people who feel happy and fulfilled without having children. But back then, I don’t think my parents knew anyone like that and so they had kids because they thought it was the natural progression in life.
Mine did to “prove” her mom she’s a better woman and mother than she ever was, and that good parenting is not hard.
Failure was never an option.
She needed to be “first,” because she was always in competition with her sister. Then she had me, and realized that she couldn’t stand babies, and didn’t like me.
I’ve noticed that some have kids to prove to the world that they’re good, wholesome people. They live for the outward appearance.
My mother liked the attention, saw her children (under 10) like having dolls, liked the idea of control and having someone to own, and wants people who won’t be able to abandon her (though for the abandonment that didn’t work out considering I’m no contact)
It certainly wasn’t because of any maternal yearnings, that’s for sure. My brother and I both were conceived in order to trap men into marriage.
I was conceived so Nmom could elope at 16, she was tired of following the house rules. That marriage lasted four months, she had to move back home, and I was born three months later.
My brother was conceived because Mamaw told mom she needed to get a job when I was three months old, and Nmom didn’t want to work. That’s when she met and married the man I call dad. My brother was born seven months after the wedding. That marriage lasted eight years.
She is now in her late 70’s and currently on husband #8. I’ve been NC for three years.
“Cos God says contraception is wrong” So you have 5 children inside 3 years and spend all day and night bitching about them getting in your way, being too expensive etc etc.
I think it might be a little different for each narcissist for my mother it was all about appearances. She wanted to look like the perfect mother and she wanted all the accolades from everybody about what a great mother she was what a wonderful caretaker she could be. She also wanted endless admiration from her children and little dolls that were robotic and did exactly as she commanded she wanted to be worshiped.
My mom said she wanted something that was “her’s.” 😒
Reasons why those people have kids
1 Status
2 People trust them faster because of children
3 They can take anger on children and no consequences
4 They use children to blackmail others, it gives them advantage with laws
5 They train children to take care of them
6 Entertainment
I was an accident, he’s been very thorough and persistent about telling me that. He didn’t have another one though, he’s gay now. I think he was just exploring his sexuality with my mother, and as far as I’ve been told they only had sex once to get me. I’m really glad he didn’t have another child.. but in the back of my mind I’ve always thought that it would’ve been nice to have a sibling so we could’ve been there for each other.
I guess there are alot of reasons. For one there is tradition, alot of people just have kids because they believe that’s the way it has to be. Another one of course is that being a parent will lead to alot of attention and praise. They might also believe that children can be molded into anything they want which can be whatever the narc desires or needs. You also have complete control over your child’s life for many many years.
I’m pretty sure my nmom had kids because she expected them to be her little servants for the rest of her life and an eternal supply of love and praise for her. She treated my sister and I like slaves, we constantly had to do stuff for her so we barely had any free time for our own interests or friends. Later on she would “ask” (“no” was unacceptable) for money all the time aswell. She would also always accuse us of hating her and that if we really loved her we would/n’t have done X or Y. When we moved out she told us she now regrets having had children because since we are moving out now we are leaving her so it was pointless to have had children. Lol
Well mine didn’t mean too…I’m still a the bane of his existence. He is a tool.
Half of kids are unplanned and abortion isn’t necessarily always available nor desired for many reasons.
As to the planned instances… No clue. I guess as an extension of themselves, to look good, to look like they can tell the world someone desires them, to have little people to be their emotional punching bags. I’d have to ask my father why. My mother told me she didn’t want kids but had them anyway just to see if she could.
In my dad’s case, all the women were trying to baby trap him into becoming a loyal husband and father. It didn’t work.
I can tell you with my mother, she was the second oldest of 4 girls and her sisters all had kids. 100% she had us for appearances.
It was an accident, but I do think they enjoyed the attention while pregnant and when I was cute and little.
After that, they stopped caring.
Control
Supply
Self-extension
Someone to blame
Someone to show off to make themselves look better
status
To help around the house and be their caretaker.
because they want control—not connection
they don’t have kids to raise someone
they have them to own someone
a built-in audience
a lifelong supply of attention, validation, or someone to blame when life doesn’t go their way
they see children as extensions, not individuals
which is why your needs were always a threat
why your independence felt like betrayal
why “love” came with strings and shame
they didn’t want a child
they wanted a mirror that never cracked
Partly the same as everyone else, because most societies expect you to, and partly because they want the undivided love, attention and almost worshipfulness of a small child, of course without any consideration of the fact the child will get older.
My mother is ALWAYS saying she wishes I could go back to being a baby, if only I stayed age 2 forever, I was so nice when I was a baby but look at me now etc etc. Which is funny because some of my earliest memories are of her being horrible to me.
They wanted approval from their parents. They wanted approval from conforming to a societal role. They thought a kid would fix the marriage (or force one). They thought a kid would heal their own issues. They thought a kid would be easy. They thought that they were going to have a clone of themselves and are shocked they made a whole person. They loved the idea of babies and nothing more. They wanted to fit in with their friends who were also having kids. They wanted the attention that the baby parties provide. They want a supply of online content and to hell with a child’s consent or safety.
And when that didn’t work, they chose to have another. Lather, rinse, repeat.
My mother saw riches by getting with my dad. My dad was a incompetent drunk buffoon who saw an opportunity to have sex with someone attractive with little to no effort. My mother made my brother the golden child and gave him everything to be successful so she could rub it in other parent’s noses that she was a better mother, I was a thief of time, effort and resources from my brother but she eventually repurposed me to garner sympathy of how much of a devil child I was.
These people only see you as a source of utility and property.
Everything is about them, remember? Having kids is just another tool to make everything about themselves even further. And yeah it adds to their standing in society. It’s a feather in their cap. It has nothing to do with raising a child in a loving environment or wanting to experience the joys of parenthood.
I also don’t believe they have any ‘good intentions’ about giving their child a wonderful life. They want everyone including the child to just think they have the ‘good intentions’ because that makes them seem like saints, adding onto their standing in the society.
And lastly, they need a scapegoat. That’s where they get their kicks from.
A) bc they’re supposed to. Women are raised to get married and have kids. That’s why so many feel you’re unaccomplished if you aren’t married or if you’re childfree. B) to have a servant/punching bag for life. They never stood up to their abusers so they take it out on someone they feel won’t stand up either.
I’m adopted. My mom desperately wanted a little girl. In her words, “I had a dog and I loved that so I thought what’s better than a dog, a child.”
Later on she told me “dogs are better because they just love you unconditionally”, as if my resentment towards her was somehow unfounded because I can actually talk back and don’t just follow her around doing whatever she says.
She also occasionally calls me by my dogs’ names.
I was an ego enhancement accessory for my mother and an accidental 18 year obligation for my dad.
They want to be seen as adults.
I think my parents… (1) liked looking at cute babies (though they weren’t ready to accept adult responsibilities that come with having babies), and (2) loved the idea of being good parents.
I was 100% conceived as a patch on a failing 10-year-old marriage. I was designed to guarantee my dad couldn’t go anywhere. Worked for 10 years until her “you’re not a good enough provider” of 20 years caused him to move to a place better for his job & we followed a year-ish later.
He was able to stand 3 more years until he let me know at 14 that he was leaving my Nmom & wanted me to come with him. I didn’t know why I needed to go with him, but I did know it, & I did go.
And then more stuff happened & the abuse went on for me for another 25 years until I finally saw it.
Adoption. Imagine saving a bunch of poor kids whose parents couldn’t afford to keep them. Perfect fodder for a narcissist.
They need someone to dump their trauma on instead of actually getting help.
My parents had kids because of peer pressure from their siblings. NM was approaching 34 before she even attempted to start having kids because her sisters were telling her she’d regret it if she never had kids. But she never actually wanted kids.
For a public prop or they had a kid without respecting the amount of emotional and physical work it is. Maybe for control too?
Easy. They think their children will love them unconditionally. Then they find out they have to make sacrifices, and it pisses them off, and they take it out on their kids like we’re the ones who wanted to be here in the first place.
Well I know my adoptive parents (N Dad) and avoidant mom, couldn’t conceive naturally. So I was given the privilege to grace their presence and give them both all of the self-esteem they needed as I was growing up. Now that I’m a hollow shell of a man, full of disdain for my life, no connections, and giving up on being a compassionate person, they get to go on happy with their lives and pleased because they raised a child that at least was able to leave the house and give them their peace back. Damn me for being a “difficult child” with those pesky “needs”. Lol, don’t worry, the needs didn’t stick around long.
My parents had kids because it was expected back then. (1980s) Everyone had kids, it was considered weird if you didn’t. My Nmom wanted a cute little happy complacent baby she could show off and dress up. She wanted the happy picture, a pretty little projection of success. She was determined to a)get married b) have babies. That’s her whole goal, didn’t consider anything else.
To create mini me’s.
My mother is still low key disappointed that I don’t listen to each and every single piece of “advice” she has for me to follow. It took a long time for her to figure out that I would never grow up to be just like her.
Attention, control and vanity.
Lots of attention when your trying, expecting, have a newborn and then a cute little kid to show off. Dress them up like a little doll and get loads of fuss.
Something to control every aspect of and know that whatever they do they’ll still love them as children tend to unconditionally love their parents.
Something that is an extention of them. A mini them. That they obviously know so well “better than they know themselves” because they aren’t their own person, they are them.
Free labor is what my ndad told us 🤦🏻♀️
Power, control, to feel superior over a helpless, vulnerable person who is essentially trapped with them for years, who doesn’t know better and doesn’t have the tools to advocate for themselves. Children re also a tool for them to look fantastic, they can play ‘loving parent’ in public and get supply from that, whilst neglecting you and being cruel in private.
Well according to my Nmom, my dad and the rest of the family; I am only here to ‘trap my dad into marrying my mom’. Yes, those words were said to me more than once by several family members.
We were both accidents 🤷♂️
For the same reason as so many people. It is a norm and people don’t think much about it. Narcissists do not necessarily think they are devoid of the capacity to raise emotionally healthy children, so there is no need for them to avoid having children. And some are probably so proud that there is a legacy issue somewhere. For others, it completes their identity as a functional individual, but there are so many non-narcissistic people who think along these lines. Is there one thing narcissists do not feel entitled to?
my father said to protect his legacy and make sure someone would take care of him when he’s older. jokes on him, they moved states away and i stopped talking to them.
my mom had kids because she felt that’s what you’re supposed to do. i dont think she ever wanted to be a mother.
Society pushes the idea that they are suppose to/ need to/ have to have kids. They thought it would fix their relationship. They hoped it would give their life meaning/ purpose. They wanted something to give them attention. As other stated an accessory like a watch, hat, bag or scarf. Then a common one was acting without think leading to what man will claim was a “happy accident” usually due to rushing into things, lack of access to the knowledge or tools that could of helped them avoid the accident or intentionally withholding them by those who wanted them to have the “accident”.
In my case it was because “that’s just what you do”. I believe my mom stopped loving me the day she couldn’t control me anymore. Then my only worth was as a tool to try to get favor and reputation from other people. Same with the grandkids, as soon as they had developed self identity she no longer wanted to spend time with them, they were just a nuisance from then on.
In my culture having kids is an insurance when the parents get old. You’re supposed to “pay back” financially and emotionally.
I was an accident and my mother reminded me everyday of my life growing up how she regretted having me and how much I ruined her life.
Well my mom has the mind of a child she liked to play with baby dolls her whole life and essentially just wanted a toy that she didn’t have to do any actual work in regard to. Then as soon as they get married she threw out her birth control without telling my dad and got pregnant and he’s resented me my entire life for being the result of that…
Generally speaking it’s estimated at least 51% of kids are not planned. And as for the narcissists who did plan their kids they likely had an idealized image of the kids they would have and when the kid/kids don’t turn out that way they imagined in their fantasy they resent them.
I was an accident
Servants… on many levels. They want to have kids, they never wanted to be parents. I was brought into this world to serve them.
*They believe they are entitled to unconditional love (I brought you into this world).
*They believed I was to do endless manual labor (you get room and board and this is what family does)
* They believe I am suppose to listen to all their problems (I have to talk to someone)
They never had what I consider normal “parent” expectations
* I want my kids to be happy
* I want my kids to do better than I did
* I will do whatever I can to make sure my child has the tools to live a fulfilled life
*I will love my kids unconditionally
** I will listen to my kids
Kids are status symbols for them
To have another accessory that makes them look good
Because getting married and having kids is what normal people do. Have to show the world that you’re normal too.
Also, then you have your own personal slaves! (But only when others can’t see. Need to keep up the pretense of being normal.)
My Nmom said that she was under social pressure to have kids.
In my mom’s case, she was trying to create a perfect family to make up for her own horrible childhood. It never seemed to occur to her that forcing us to play out her imaginary dream family was its own form of abuse.
Because they’re “supposed to” or because accidents happen. That’s all I can think of; in fairness I can’t think of a good reason for ANYONE to have kids so take it with a grain of salt.