Sometimes I contemplate suicide because at only
16 I have OSDD, autism, IED, and numerous other things that affect me physically or mentally.
OSDD is by far the worst, and the one nobody seems to ever understand me. I feel like i lost myself entirely. I have manic episodes that seem to get worse and worse. Hyper fixations that’s are so utterly unhealthy they ruin relationships. I genuinely consider every day taking my life, because nothing feels like I can fix it. My therapist is on maternity leave, and I can’t burden my friends with this, so I’ll scream into the void instead.
At least this time around the hyperfixation hasnt been destructive.
Months ago it was columbine/the columbine shooters after learning my mother knew them, as well as some of the victims. I genuinely believed I was Dylan, and was engaging in self harm to an extreme degree, and was so scared someone would find out and I’d get shipped away. The crisis team has only ever put me into therapy, besides that they’ve done nothing. The nurses at my nearby hospital are so rude to patients with mental health problems that I’ve learned to hide everything better when it happens because I can’t bear the thought of going back.
I don’t know how I’m meant to live when I’m only 16 and I already struggle this much. My mom won’t help me and only put me on Prozac via doctor recommendation a couple years back, but I’ve stopped taking it because it just makes me tired.
Lately it’s been somewhat better, I guess- I was reminded today about the previous hyperfixation when someone lost their shit on me. I forgot to take it out of something on my pronoun card I guess. I don’t remember really putting it there but obviously it happened. I know OSDD is a trauma response, but I thought that I could help myself if I removed the man from my life who caused it. It hasn’t gottan better, it just gets worse.
Maybe one day I’ll figure myself out, but right now I can’t. Maybe someone who has OSDD will see this, and tell me it gets better, but I doubt I’d believe it. I can’t see how it could.