I (40F) don’t drink anymore and my husband (40M) says it’s over unless I start

We’ve been together with my husband for over 20 years. For the first 15, we were DINK, spent our all free time together, drank socially together and with friends, and had a happy life. We had a crossroads when he wanted kids and I didn’t but ultimately I decided I loved him more than anything and if kids would make him happy, they would make me happy as well.

We had kids. Life became really hard. I love our kids and can’t imagine not having them but our relationship definitely took a toll. It didn’t help that on many days he told me to fuck off with the kids and leave him alone, didn’t get up to them in the morning or at night (only did the first few months while I could barely walk after messed up labor and then said do it yourself you wake up to breastfeed anyways and it’s your problem). I was working a day job from home (barely surviving), trying to get my mid-life CS degree and taking care of two kids feeling utterly alone. Granted, he did take kids somewhere on many weekends when I had exams, but the rest of the time, mornings, evenings, most weekends, searching for a nanny or a daycare, it was always my job. I studied at night and sometimes on the weekends, but most weekends I took our kids somewhere because he always either had a headache or was upset at something or I wanted to give him space I myself desperately needed.

My priorities were like this: kids, then study, then work, then what’s left of it (usually none) to my husband, and I was last. That is, if you don’t consider study a “me” time (which it hardly was although I can see how my husband could’ve viewed that).

He quit his job two years ago because he hated it and instead got ourselves into a project to renovate the house. I was still studying, but for the most part, I took kids out of the house, sometimes in Airbnb, so he and the renovation crew could work. He became very bitter, started swearing at me, kept telling me I do nothing. I was trying to figure out how to cope with this new life, how to not forget things, how to stay employed, how to be more assertive and ask for help when I lived on 4-5 hours a sleep per night. Looking back, it was reckless of me to start a degree when starting a family, it really burned us out, but given everything else I don’t think our situation would’ve been that much different without.

Either way, a lot changed in the past five years. I grew a lot of resentment for my husband not helping with kids except when it was absolutely necessary. To his credit, he always helped when I asked, except I had to ask many many times to wake up to the kids in the morning and he kept telling me it was not his problem (he solved it differently in the end by introducing the Ok to wake clock, and I get 7 hours of sleep these days but still wake up for them when they do and he doesn’t have to).

He had a lot of resentment because I didn’t spend time with him, because I didn’t look sexy anymore and then because I didn’t help with renovation and just “was having fun with kids in airbnbs instead”. I finished my degree and started helping more – putting isolation, replacing power outlets, painting baseboard, but not that much since I still have my day job and kids responsibilities and get tired all the time. He says go ask for some pills from the doctor since you’re so tired.

So if you can imagine a crumbling relationship, this is us.

Somewhere along the way, I also lost interest in alcohol. I didn’t drink when I was pregnant, didn’t drink when I was breastfeeding, all in all 4+ years total and when I finally could drink I found out I don’t enjoy it at all. Wine gives me headache and heartburn, the taste is horrible, and frankly feeling intoxicated and hangover the next day are both extremely unpleasant and not worth it since you have to wake up for your kids next morning.

And so we arrived to present time. My husband knows I don’t drink since I talked about it multiple times. We were traveling through Paso Robles California recently and he asked me to buy a bottle of red wine. I did. He poured two glasses and I thought I don’t want to spoil his evening by refusing, so I took mine. I hated the taste, so I sipped it a bit over the next hour but didn’t finish even a half. I also tried to talk to my husband who was sitting next to me but he was all in his phone as he always does lately.

He got severely offended by me not drinking. Told me off for not finishing the glass. That night he said that I singlehandedly ruined our relationship and he hates me for that, then he stopped talking to me for almost a week. It messed me up pretty badly, and when I finaly got some strength to go and talk to him directly he again told me that I ruined our relationship, took all of the fun out of it and he is severely offended that I couldn’t even drink a glass of wine with my husband for the fear of little headache so he could have a pleasant evening. It does sound weird when he puts it this way, but also knowing that I don’t enjoy drinking somehow doesn’t bother him?

He said a lot of other things but pretty much stated that our relationship is over unless I start drinking with him again. I explained to him how it feels for me now, tried suggesting other things to do together. We barely even get out of the house lately, I am stuck in my home working from home and with kids, him focusing on the renovation. We’ve been on like five dates over the last four years, we’re stuck in the routine, all he does is tells me about my deficiencies and the only thing we used to do is watch youtube together which he recently said is boring as hell. I suggested board games, since we can’t go anywhere in the evenings anyways, he says they are boring and to even have sex with me he needs a drink. Mind you, I don’t stop him from having a drink, I don’t judge him, don’t make comments about him drinking. I just found out I am unable to drink myself anymore.

I am a mess. Do I force myself and learn to drink again? I have a feeling that is not the issue here. We didn’t work on our relationship, didn’t communicate and it fell apart. I probably cannot relate to the alcohol topic, but if he decided, I don’t know, give up YouTube or chocolate (the latter he just did) or whatever hell else, I’d be looking for something else to do/eat/drink together. I would certainly not say “I don’t have anything to talk to you about”, call him an idiot and ignore him for days. Especially knowing that it messes up the person being ignored.

I want to mend this relationship even though I am feeling extremely hurt, because I love my husband. It certainly doesn’t look like he feels the same way though. Things turned out exactly how I feared when he was passionately convincing me to have kids. He says he’s still young and women are interested in him, he wants to live life and I am digging us both into the grave.

I have noone to talk to and nowhere to go so I am stupidly writing a reddit post about it. Not sure if I am even asking for an advice. Just tell me, internet strangers, did I really ruin my relationship by not drinking with my husband?

tl; dr: Our relationship is in shambles after having kids he convinced me to have; I love our kids and love my husband; I had a lot of trouble going through life changes and barely surviving day to day after having them; We are both resentful; He says I ruined our relationship by not drinking alcohol anymore and states it’s over unless I drink again (he is not an alcoholic, we only drank socially, he enjoys drinking and I don’t anymore).