This happened a few days ago. I am a 21-year-old dude. My mom has been having a streak of big jobs (she’s an architect and designer) which have led her to become somewhat recognized in her little town and the ones surrounding it. A few potential clients have reached out to her from towns that are an hour or two away from hers, so she’s been looking into buying a car so she can take these clients and be there to get their projects started.
Even though she says she’s doing better than ever, she still hasn’t been able to save up for the car she wants, so she’s been trying to take out a loan to pay for it. Last week she finally got the loan, but it still wasn’t enough to cover the costs of the car, so she texted me asking me to take out a loan to get the rest of the money. She said she would pay for both loans, it was just that the bank wouldn’t give her the amount she wanted. I said no. I told her that if something happened to her (my dad died suddenly a few years ago and she has some health problems, so I know anything can happen at any time), I would have no way of paying and I’d be in debt for the first few years of my adulthood, since she has nothing to leave me after she’s gone that I could use to get the money to pay.
I’m a freelance artist and I work construction to make ends meet. I don’t live with my mom, and I never got any money from her, even when growing up. My dad paid for everything I needed since the day my parents got divorced (I was 4) to the day he died. I live with my dad’s side of the family. I don’t think I “owe” it to my mom to take out a loan for her to buy a fancy car.
She knows all of this. Still, she got so mad when I said no that she literally cut me off her life. She said she was no stranger for me to treat her like this, that she thought she could count on me, that she only asked for it because she knew she could pay for it. I didn’t reply. She texted me on my birthday, saying she hopes all my wishes come true. I said thanks, then she stopped texting back for a few days. Yesterday she sent me this long as hell speech basically saying that “you don’t end things over text” and that “I was living a different reality than her, making choices she never taught me to”. She told me to go get my things, listen to her side of the story (There is no other side of the story, I just said no) and never come back. She also wants me to give her the IPad she bought for me a year ago because I was supposed to use it to work for her. I’m making arrangements to go to her place next week with a friend so we can get my things.
I really can’t think of a reason she would react this way. People kinda warned me about this kind of behavior in her but I didn’t listen. Maybe there’s something I’m not seeing. Am I the asshole?
Also, I’m sorry if any of this is phrased weird. My English is a little rusty.
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This happened a few days ago. I am a 21-year-old dude. My mom has been having a streak of big jobs (she’s an architect and designer) which have led her to become somewhat recognized in her little town and the ones surrounding it. A few potential clients have reached out to her from towns that are an hour or two away from hers, so she’s been looking into buying a car so she can take these clients and be there to get their projects started.
Even though she says she’s doing better than ever, she still hasn’t been able to save up for the car she wants, so she’s been trying to take out a loan to pay for it. Last week she finally got the loan, but it still wasn’t enough to cover the costs of the car, so she texted me asking me to take out a loan to get the rest of the money. She said she would pay for both loans, it was just that the bank wouldn’t give her the amount she wanted. I said no. I told her that if something happened to her (my dad died suddenly a few years ago and she has some health problems, so I know anything can happen at any time), I would have no way of paying and I’d be in debt for the first few years of my adulthood, since she has nothing to leave me after she’s gone that I could use to get the money to pay.
I’m a freelance artist and I work construction to make ends meet. I don’t live with my mom, and I never got any money from her, even when growing up. My dad paid for everything I needed since the day my parents got divorced (I was 4) to the day he died. I live with my dad’s side of the family. I don’t think I “owe” it to my mom to take out a loan for her to buy a fancy car.
She knows all of this. Still, she got so mad when I said no that she literally cut me off her life. She said she was no stranger for me to treat her like this, that she thought she could count on me, that she only asked for it because she knew she could pay for it. I didn’t reply. She texted me on my birthday, saying she hopes all my wishes come true. I said thanks, then she stopped texting back for a few days. Yesterday she sent me this long as hell speech basically saying that “you don’t end things over text” and that “I was living a different reality than her, making choices she never taught me to”. She told me to go get my things, listen to her side of the story (There is no other side of the story, I just said no) and never come back. She also wants me to give her the IPad she bought for me a year ago because I was supposed to use it to work for her. I’m making arrangements to go to her place next week with a friend so we can get my things.
I really can’t think of a reason she would react this way. People kinda warned me about this kind of behavior in her but I didn’t listen. Maybe there’s something I’m not seeing. Am I the asshole?
Also, I’m sorry if any of this is phrased weird. My English is a little rusty.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I said no to taking out a loan for my mom
2- She needed the money to buy a car
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You are NTA for not taking out a loan for your mother to buy a nicer car than the one she can afford.
If she gave you an iPad and expressed that it was so you could do work for her, then yes, give it back; otherwise, you’re okay to keep it. Getting your things back from her seems reasonable.
She reacted this way because you didn’t give her what she demanded. I’m sorry that your mother is treating you this way. You aren’t leaving her without the ability to get a car; you’re not enabling her to get a car that the bank says she can’t pay back. Feel no guilt over this.
NTA. You’re making a sound financial decision. Taking out a loan for someone else or cosigning a loan is a major responsibility to take on. You mom never sacrificed for you; why should you sacrifice for her? After you get your things, I suggest going low or no contact. You don’t need a manipulative mooch on your hands.
As a mother myself, I find her behaviour child like. I want it, I can’t afford it, I want it anyway, my son should help me buy it. She needs to set an example by acting like a responsible adult and get her shit together. You don’t owe her anything.
>that she literally cut me off her life
Bro. You’ve already won. Don’t be the guy holding the winning lottery ticket wondering how this happened. Just enjoy ya freedom!
NTA
NTA, co signing has precisely the danger you told her of, along with if she became ill, disabled or suddenly didn’t have work. That’s why the bank wouldn’t loan her enough for the fancy car. So you were wise to refuse. She should not have asked you. I have a son and I’d never ask him to do such a thing.
NTA. She is obviously very bad with money and willing to drag you down with her. She needs to live within her means like a responsible adult.
NTA – you shouldn’t be helping her get a loan. It is usually the other way round. And if she’s willing to put money before your relationship, then you are lucky that she’s cutting you off. Plus, I wouldn’t give the iPad back either. She sounds like she’s been an absent parent for most of your life.
Need to lock down your credit and make sure you leave no banking information on the ipad or any of your passwords so she cannot take out a loan in your name.
NTA.
Crappy parents love to say things like “you weren’t raised like that” when you’re not doing exactly what they want.
If she can’t qualify for the loan, there’s probably a reason. Debts she hasn’t paid or etc. Car dealerships are pretty predatory and love to finance bad deals with criminal interest rates and astronomical payments… my BIL tried to get his first car at a Toyota dealership. It was going to be a near 20% interest rate and just under $900 per month payment for a Toyota Corolla. Luckily my spouse had gone with him and told him how crazy it was, so they left. He ended up getting a used beater with no payment.
So there’s something going on if she can’t get approval without help. That means she’s most likely financially irresponsible, so good for you saying NO! You’d be on the hook if she defaulted. That could prevent you from getting approved for anything you’d need that does a credit check: renting a place to live, getting your own or another car, even car insurance rates vary based on credit score!
I’d return the iPad just so she has nothing to hold over your head and get all of your stuff asap. Then you won’t have to deal with her anymore.
NTA
NTA, mom can buy a car within her budget. Also, never loan family money. And, be sure to freeze your credit score on the big 3. Easy to do and prevents others from using your identity to get credit cards.
So she wants a “fancy” car instead of what she can afford, and she decided to make it your problem instead of her problem. Yeah, close that door and lock it.
Unless she was a bad mother you are bad son blood is worth so much more than money always will be.
“That she only asked for it because she knew I COULD PAY FOR IT”. Doesn’t that tell you everything? She has/had no intention of paying it. The bank/lending institution does not think she is trustworthy enough or they think she can’t afford it- either way- they do this for a living. They deem her unworthy & refuse to take a risk (even though they have ways of collecting). She’s not even willing to work with what they will lend her. I’m not sure where you live but every architect & designer that I know make/made DAMN GOOD MONEY. Most start close to 6figures. If you have talent, experience- way more. While I believe there is more to it than you are telling (you say she’s never done anything for you, you lived w your dad & now his family then you talk abt an iPad she gave you & having to go over to pick up your stuff), the moment she got so mad she wanted to cut you from her life (what kind of mother does that- to their child over something this ridiculous), none of that matters anymore. She’s proved that she isn’t there for you, would rather take advantage than to help you get started in life. I don’t know anyone who would feel they need to warn a child abt their own mother’s behavior (because a child would know more than most). I think I would have to walk away.
It would be a gift. Do not loan to relatives. If you can’t give the gift, do not turn it into a loan (if you never want a relative to talk to you again, loan them money).
You did the right thing. Sounds like your mum is confusing a need and a want. She may want a new Mercedes but a secondhand ford will do. She having a temper tantrum.
Chances are the more expensive the car the higher the maintenance costs, running costs and insurance.
Do as she asks about getting your things but keep the communication lines open.
NTA she asked you to gift her more $$ than you have. No she was never going to pay you back. You were going to be stuck paying off the loan. So you declined. 👍
Sounds like she needs to find a cheaper car
NTA! This is really common behaviour from someone who spends more than they can afford. You are making the right decision by saying no. The first load she won’t pay when the money flow slows is the one not in her name. “Oh you can pay your loan this month can’t you?”
She is manipulative and self-centered and it doesn’t sound like she has been there for you your entire life. She now wants to use you. Ignoring you like that is her way of manipulation, cutting her off is the best idea here!
Important life lesson it cost me $1500 to learn in 1985: if the bank won’t loan it to someone, it’s because they cant pay it back…
NTA How expensive of a car does she need to drive to a job site? Surely that loan would cover a cheaper car. I wonder if she even needs a car or if it’s for something elsr.
Tell her instead of a loan to buy a car, why doesn’t she just lease a car? It’s usually cheaper and you don’t need as high a credit score.
NTA
Don’t do it. She is trying to exploit you.
She doesn’t get the loan, because she can’t pay for the car. If YOU take out the loan for her, YOU will pay for her car.
NTA
Listen to the bank.
Their job is to make money, and that means they love customers that will pay them back on time, and they love customers who will pay them back a little late and rack up some interest even more. But they don’t love customers that will never pay them back. If they have refused your mum a loan (personal or business?) then they have done that for very good reason.
If the bank doesn’t trust her, what’s to say she is going to act any differently with you? In actual fact you are at far greater risk as you don’t have any financial institutions and processes behind you, so she can flake out on paying you back without any official consequences.
And I think it is fair to say that her behaviour since your refusal has just confirmed how entitled and petty she is, and how big a risk you would have been taking.
This also doesn’t mention the practicalities of taking out a loan for someone else – putting your own finances at risk, having a loan against you should you wish to take out any finance of your own and so on.
It sounds like you have dodged a bullet.
Parents are supposed to help their children, not rely on them to bankroll their lives.
NTA, hope you can build your own happiness following your dad’s example.
NTA- You did the right thing to keep yourself financially safe. Lock down your credit so she can’t apply for any new credit cards in your name. If the iPad was for work, give it back. Now finish the job. Go pick up your things – take a friend along with you. Once you get your things, you can cut out this toxic person from your life. Yes, she happens to be your mother, but she isn’t acting like one. Don’t turn back. Take a deep breath and enjoy your new life.
You should never take out a loan for somebody else. If the bank won’t give your mom a loan it’s because she’s not reliable to repay it.
Don’t make the mistake to mix your finances with other people’s sinking finances. It would be such a poor financial decision.
Banks like loans, the bigger the loan, the bigger the interest. If “she could pay for it” the bank would’ve loaned it to her.. It’s as simple as that.
So, if the bank, with all their expertise and investigating don’t trust her to pay up, you shouldn’t either as from the rest of the info you provided, it sounds like the bank might actually know ypur mom better than you do..
NTA. She is being entitled and trying to live above her means not to mention she is asking for you to lend her money based on a fictitious shared history. She says this isn’t how she raised you but by the sound of things she didn’t do much raising. A real mom wouldn’t tell you to go get your things nor to return the ipad, regardless of its intended purpose. But it is what it is. Good riddance, if you ask me. She sounds very toxic so you’re better off.
Tell her that part of being a responsible adult is living within your means. She can deal with a car that isn’t her dream car until her income can justify it. If her career is taking off the way she says, it should be easy.
If she bought the iPad for you, keep it.