Looking for some honest advice here, because I’m struggling to tell if I’m being unreasonable or if there’s something deeper I need to address.
Me (30M) and my partner (30F) have been together for 10 years. But our sex life is really starting to cause friction.
I have a much higher sex drive than she does. On average, we have sex about twice a month. I’ve tried to be understanding and patient, but I’m finding myself feeling more and more rejected and bitter when my advances are turned down.
It’s also becoming a point of tension that I masturbate. She really hates that I do it, and it’s led to some arguments. I’ve tried to reduce it to respect her feelings, but then I just end up feeling more frustrated as I limited my frequency, but the amount of sex we have is the same…
Another issue is that sometimes she’ll suggest sex as a kind of reward for doing chores or favours—but most of the time it doesn’t actually happen. That’s left me feeling pretty resentful and manipulated, even if that’s not her intention.
I don’t want to be a jerk. I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel like she owes me sex. But I’m starting to feel unwanted, and I don’t know how to deal with that without becoming resentful or distant.
Am I being a dick? Or is this a legitimate issue I need to have a harder conversation about?
Appreciate any honest thoughts or advice.
TL;DR: Sex with partner couple times a month is not enough for me. What do?
Comments
Sounds like your nuts aren’t being driven anywhere, Mr. Pirate.
I completely get your frustration. It’s valid. I have been in a similar position myself in a relationship in the past.
Short answer? Might help to get a professional involved to talk through these conflicts.
If you’re not getting the physical intimacy you desire, and you are supplementing it with masturbation, which she then gets angry about….well, in short, that’s just a form of control.
There could be soooo many reasons why she isn’t interested in sex and it’s worth exploring to better understand why her drive just isn’t there.
You’re not being a dick. Talk it out with your partner full honesty. Has your sex life always had been like this from the beginning?
Attraction is not a choice.
Do more things that you used to do at the beginning of the relationship.
Make sure you turn down sex if it feels like manipulation.
You are not an animal, begging to be treated with respect and care in your relationship… So stop acting like it.
You need to do the things that make her, and other women attracted to you.
Get back to doing the work, just like you were looking to date someone new.
Hit the gym.
Take care of yourself.
Figure out what you want.
DO THE WORK.
Either your relationship will improve because you are putting energy in, and she will appreciate it…
Or the relationship is already over and you’ve both just been maintaining the minimum.
Be kind, and do the work to get what you want.
How’s the relationship taking away the sex? Women tend to prioritize that in order to be available for sex.
I hear you and this is definitely something that needs to be discussed fully with her because I’m in that place and can totally understand the feeling of resentment you’re feeling. The difference being that my partner and I are between our late forties and mid-fifties, NOT 30-year-olds. That’s something you two need to discuss because it will definitely affect your relationship if you don’t. Unfortunately women don’t understand the male need for sex. For them a healthy relationship is based on emotions. For men it’s sex. It’s just how it is. They blow it off as unimportant but it’s our way to connect with our partner and if she says “no” the feeling of rejection is like a slap in the face. Every. Single. Time.
Break up and meet and date people who are sexually compatible with you.
Never trust anyone who has a problem with masturbation.
Wait. Youre not having sex often and it’s an issue to masturbate?
… why. Why is touching yourself a problem? It’s your body. Why does she have a say there? Youre literally not hurting anyone and theres nothing wrong with it.
But particularly if she doesnt want sex that often. Seems like masturbating would be reasonable to encourage ro make sure youre getting your regular orgasms to your own schedule.
Theres layers of problems here. Sounds like she has some weird beliefs of sex shes pushing on you.
Id talk to her. Dont agree to no masturbation (thats insane to ask another person anyway.) Tell her youll do chores, but you dont like when she teases you with sex for doing something. It’s immature and hurtful when you do want to be more intimate witb her. And thirdly, have you asked her why her sex drive is low and what would help, if anything?
You are describing sexual incompatibility, which is one of the most common reasons couples break up or divorce.
Also, it’s completely unreasonable to insist that your partner not masturbate, which is already creepy and sexually controlling, but when paired with a general unwillingness to address your partner’s sexual needs it just feels irrational and cruel.
This situation is not going to change.
You can either stay and be resentful forever, or you can leave now (like you should have done years ago) and find a partner who is actually sexually compatible with you.
I hate how I can relate to this but instead of 10 years, we are only less than 2 years married. I’ve stop asking/initiating sex with my husband as I always get rejected. He says he’s tired from work during weekdays, but it’s the same during weekends as well. So I honestly have no idea 🤷🏻♀️ we used to do it every day, and then twice a week and now… I can’t remember when we last had sex.
Anyway, I hope you find some answers or help. Good luck (to us both) 😅
She’s got a broken view of sex and needs a therapist to address it. Good luck
First off, no, you’re not being a dick. Twice a month is truly very little and most people would not be happy with that. Have you talked to her openly about all of this? Maybe show her this post? Because you’ve articulated the issue quite well here.
There could be a number of reasons why she wants so little sex. It could be something with her hormones, she could be stressed, depressed etc. or it might be caused by a deeper problem with the relationship. But I just want to add, the fact that she not only turns sex into a reward to give but also doesn’t even follow through with it, is messed up. She has a really skewed idea of sexual intimacy, and a mismatched libido doesn’t justify this behavior.
I get your feelings. Both the sexual frustration and the feelings of doubt over yourself.
If sex is important to you, it is important to you – end of story. Only you know how important it is. You need to respect this within yourself, and express your needs clearly to her, and explain that the lack of sex is a big issue for the relationship. Sexual incompatibility is a big thing – and quite common.
She is wrong to shame you over masturbating. Of course you need to masturbate if your libido is higher than hers.
And of course it’s not about pressuring her to have sex when she doesn’t want to. Have you discussed masturbating together? That you masturbate beside her in bed if she’s not in the mood?
After 10 years things do change, but doesn’t mean you can’t find a happy medium.
Have you asked her where she is at with this topic? Maybe she doesn’t know it but she may need something different to get her in the mood.
Sex and intimacy are different.
As a guess, you masturbating could be making her feel rejected? I know it’s weird as she is rejecting you but maybe that’s why she gets funny about it?
Saying that she shouldn’t be using the suggestion of sex as a bribe.
Not being a dick at all, man. You’re just trying to meet your needs without crossing lines, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Whole situation sounds like it’s eating at you slowly, and that’ll kill a relationship if it festers.
Lots of good advice here. Sometimes it takes an outsider (therapist) to get the message through.
We went through the same thing at about the same time, but she just had kids and it definitely wrought havoc on her libido. It just sucked.
The hate on masturbation is just kind of cruel. You got to change the oil.
The part where she has suggested sex in exchange for chores or favours hit me hard.
My wife did this too, unprompted by me (i always did the chores and would never decline doing any task she wanted). But she NEVER followed through. That hurt more than anything cause she put sex in my mind, and that got me worked up looking forward to intimacy after months/years of none, and then denied it.
If you dont yet have kids, then leave. Be polite, be amicable. But move on. IT GETS WORSE. Waaaaay worse. You will be pushed to the limits of your sanity and it will destroy you slowly and painfully.
‘Harder’ conversation wont help you here. What next? Maybe she feels some compulsion and so she gives you a bit more attention in the short term, but she has proven that she DOES NOT WANT IT. And so it will stop again, and this time she will feel that you “emotionally abused and coerced her”. Nothing good comes after this.
I wish i was you. Recognising the problem, asking for outside help, and a whole world of people giving you advice. Listen. Leave. Please leave.
I’ve been where you are….in BOTH of my marriages….my first wife & I were on the Decade system once in 91, twice in 92, etc….maaaaan, 1999 was gonna be my YEAR BABY!!! We didn’t even make it to 94! The second one knew of “the decade system” & all that mess…& promised our marriage would NEVER suffer the same fate…except she lied worse than the first….my 7 year itch was after the first 7 years of celibacy….don’t get me wrong… I NEVER cheated EVER. My 14 year itch was even harder as the itching pain hurt even more….but as they say conscience DO Cost!! After she Left me 2 years before our 25th….I realized my celibacy would be forever….the upside? I could look straight in the eyes of my daughters & always be honest….
You are not obligated to stay with your partner. A mismatch he’d sex drive is more than sufficient as a reason to break up.
Her behaviour, specifically the anger and reward system she has set up, is about controlling you. This is quite frankly, far worse than just a mismatch in sex drive as it is actively toxic.
Someone controlling whether you can/can’t masturbate is actually insane. If your partner gets upset over you masturbating that’s absolutely crazy and delusional. Never let someone tell you to stop masturbating or decrease the amount. ITS YOUR BODY. Also using sex as a reward for chores and not because she actually wants to have sex out of desire – is gross. You’re not being a dick. But having more conversations about this isn’t going to change her libido. And trying to get someone to have more sex with you when they don’t actually have the drive for it, will also build more resentment. You are both fundamentally sexually incompatible. This is only going to continue building more resentment. I hope you’re not married to this person. Reddit really hates when people say “you should break up already” but damn. You’re good looking, make good money, seem to have a stable life. Consider whether you want to continue settling for bullshit for the rest of your life.
Wait, she doesn’t want to have sex but then gets mad if you masterbate?? Like make it make sense. If she doesn’t want to have sex, and she does not want to discuss how it can increase (maybe she needs more foreplay, or you to take stuff off her plate to ease her schedule and give her more free time) then the least she can do is allow you to masterbate as frequently as needed, within reason.
However, it seems like there might be a deeper issue that needs to be resolved. You need to have a discussion with her about why she doesn’t want to have sex. Hopefully, it’s something that can be worked because sex is a part of a normal healthy relationship. If one partners needs aren’t being met, then the partner needs to work to meet them (unless she just doesn’t want to have sex entirely) in which case, it’s entirely justifiable to consider more drastic decisions.
Probably worth having a conversation with her. Maybe she would benefit too from your break up. It seems she doesn’t have any desire for you anymore, which happens right? But at the end of the day I think you know that both of you should try to explore other options. You have only one life and love isn’t everything, sex and passion are also a beautiful thing to explore. Be free man, and let her be free too.
Did you discuss the issue with your partner? Were both of you able to talk openly? Did she tell you how she feels, and what she needs to get things going for her?
Most people are able to enjoy sex if the right conditions are met. And sure, there’s a difference in sex drive between people, there’s a difference in what those right conditions mean. In general, issues in the bedroom are a symptom of other issues in the relationship, mostly related to non sexual intimacy. And, again generally speaking, men need sex to be able to show non sexual intimacy, women need non sexual intimacy in order to trigger sexual desires. It’s a paradox many couples struggle with, but it also can be fixed if both partners are aware and willing to work with eachoter, willing to both take a step towards the other one.
And of course, it’s perfectly normal to long for sexual intimacy more than twice a month. I mean, you’re 30, not even the prime of your life. Same goes for her, it’s perfectly normal to want intimacy outside the bedroom, also in long term relationships.
So yes, bring it up, but do it wisely. Talk about your needs, but also ask her what you can do. Sex is not something you can take for granted because you are in a relationship. Sex is not something she ows you. Sex is also not a transaction. So try to get out of the limbo, both of you, in terms of if you do this and this then I can do that and that. See it as a problem of both of you, and work together to solve it.
> sex as a kind of reward
This is highly manipulative and controlling.
She joined the oldest profession in the world and STILL won’t give it up? Time to move on, brother. Sex for chores is prostition. If a woman ever said that to me, I’d be gone. No looking back. Sorry for your situation because it sucks.
She sounds controlling. You can’t have me but you also can’t masturbate? I’d be done.
> even if that’s not her intention.
Sure it isn’t.
Why do you let her have a say in your personal care time? How you choose to take care of yourself has no bearing on her. If self care was having a negative impact on your live life, sure, otherwise, not her business. Stand up for yourself.
What’s her solution to the difference in sex drive? Therapy? Compromise? More foreplay? Has anything been tried or suggested? This is a real problem for you, which means it should be a real problem for her if she loved you. If she can’t or won’t make a change, you can make a change in your relationship and find a SO who has a more compatible sex drive. Your SO is a friend and roommate, not a lover. Life’s too short to have a roommate try and control your life. Never give up your decision making, it makes for a very miserable life.
You get it a couple of times a month?!
You lucky bastard!
Nope, your story is not abnormal.
Next step (in my experience) is that she’ll be complaining again about how you don’t make enough money or spend too much, so you go through all the bank statements, highlight what you’ve spent vs what she spent…
That’s the point it’ll (the relationship) all explode because she cannot tolerate your “heartless selfishness” and you can go and rent a nice place, live by your own rules, and jerk off all you want.
This honestly seems like a power and control dynamic as part of a domestic violence relationship. I think you guys need professional assistance to work this out.
Hi! I’ve had a similar challenge in my relationship of 8 years and the thing that’s helped us the most is to have a proper honest and open conversation about it. First trying to understand each other, where we are at in terms of feeling sexual, how the other made us feel, and then trying to understand why the other person didn’t feel like it as much and what we could do to find ways to initiate it more easily or feel more excited or stimulated towards that.
I hope this helps, I don’t think your relationship is doomed as some of the comments say here, it first needs a good long deep dive talk and some trials of efforts. After that you’ll see if things improve.
Was in a similar situation. Sex stopped. Some years go by, suddenly she says she has stopped being in love with me and wants to end the relationship.
I’d say start with yourself. Do you take care of your body? Work out? Hang out with your own friends? Have your own hobbies? Ambitions? It’s apparently a major turnoff if you focus on her and not yourself.
Get out now. It only gets worse.
Let me guess, can’t masturbate, can’t watch porn but she won’t have sex. Been there, just tell her this isn’t a lifestyle you what.