I’m trying to go low contact with my in laws. It’s freaking hard. My husband wants us to see MIL twice a week. So I’ve gone from that to once a fortnight. Which isn’t much but it’s a lot to me
I’ve had a conversation about distance and taking a break from his family with hubby. He agreed because they’ve behaved terribly over the years. Particularly last Xmas
It’s Easter and we’re driving 10 hours to stay with my family. All because we don’t want to spend Easter with them. I’m happy to go and want to see my family but can’t help but think it’s crazy we have to travel to avoid them. She lives 5 mins away
Anyway hubby calls her and asks for the number of her handyman to oil our deck. She gives it to him and he says he’ll arrange it after Easter
We’re driving and she calls us. She says she’s going to our house to sand and oil the deck. We tell her no – there’s a heavy bench on the deck. You can’t move it and we don’t want you to. Husband tells her 4 or 5 times no and she insists. Say she’s going to do it and she thinks she has a key to our house to move the bench inside
I’m now stressing out because I don’t want her inside our home snooping. My husband gave her a key years ago when our relationship was better. This is an extreme violation of our privacy and especially since she judges us for not having the house pristine. We have 2 toddlers so while it’s not dirty it’s never going to be the same as her place
I message her (which I don’t want to due to going low contact). Please don’t work on our house, it’s dangerous for you to move the furniture on your own. We will hire someone
She doesn’t reply until 11pm saying all good. I was worried all day she was in my house
Do I leave this alone. She didn’t do it in the end. I really feel like going over there with my husband and having a conversation about boundaries
My husband is 37. She asked to attend his doctors Appts with him a few months ago. He said no and she was annoyed. She just doesn’t know what’s appropriate or not
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I think making it about her not being able to safely move the bench gave her an opening because it’s a reason that she can argue against. Instead, focus on the “no, we do not give you permission to do this and will be taking this key back if you ignore us.” Though I’d probably want the key back regardless…
Time to change the locks.
Change all locks as soon as you return. Needless to say but MIL does NOT get a copy of the new key.
“She just doesn’t know what’s appropriate or not.”
I’d like to gently point out that in your post nowhere did you or DH mention to MIL anywhere that she was being inappropriate. You both told her the bench was too heavy, that you would hire someone to oil the deck, that you didn’t want her to do it. Even about attending his medical appointments it doesn’t seem that she was told that is inappropriate. Perhaps she would know that it’s inappropriate for her to enter your home without permission, cross boundaries and try to make home improvements while you’re away, or attend a medical appointment with her very adult son if someone pointed out mom that is very much inappropriate to even suggest you would do that.
People very much behave to the expectations we have established for them. If we let them know we expect them to behave a certain way by not having any sort of consequences or decreased time spent with them, allowing them to be uncomfortable with their own inappropriate behavior, etc. then they will likely continue to behave exactly as we have allowed them to behave. What incentive have we given them to change?
Change your locks and put up security cameras to give yourself some peace of mind.
Oh god, they try anything to make them seen as “helpful” and considerate when it’s the opposite effect.
My MIL insisted she pay for a gardener for our front small garden bed that was getting overgrown. We told her no and that we’d handle it. She accepted that but weeks later the gardener turned up, stating MIL called him for the job. We turned him away and called MIL asking her why would she do that without permission? She didn’t care and was mad we turned her gardener away.
It’s about being respectful of other people’s spaces and not overstepping. We didn’t ask, didn’t want nor needed her so called help.
Sometimes these types of people need to be told over and over again to stop taking it upon themselves to do things they think are helpful. You’re grown adults who will ask for help if it’s actually needed.
Get the key back or change the locks. Get couples counseling so you and DH can agree on what is appropriate FOR YOU and what is not. Giver her a written list you and DH agree on and keep a copy on your fridge, making DH the communicator of the boundaries. If once a month is enough for you, go to that
She was trying to get you guys to turn around and come home to check and make sure she wasn’t doing what you had told her no to multiple times. It’s a power play. Your DH needs to establish clear boundaries and consequences. Mom, I already told you no once, if you keep pressing the issue then we’ll have to go NC for a month then try again. Then hold her to it.
Damn the deck. She has a key and you’re 10 hours away. I’d be worried she was rearranging my panty drawer and looking in my naughty time box.
You need to change the locks and/or get cameras on your house when you get back.
My current theory is that MILs do things like this for three reasons:
1: The MIL either has to feel important to their child’s (actual adult) life by becoming involved in daily tasks or responsibilities. “I’m still your MOMMY.”
and/or
2: The MIL is trying to score “brownie points” for possible future where they ask to live with the child in their golden years. “How can you say no to me living with you after I lovingly helped you with x, y and z?”
3: They love spreading martyr gossip to friends and family. “They couldn’t accomplish the task without me so I just had to help them”.
1st thing you need to do is change your locks! Tell your SO if he gives HIS mother a key you will have the locks changed again and he will NOT get a key! Now your SO needs therapy to break these ties and he has to STOP telling his mommy your plans whatever they are! No telling mommy “I’m going to the Dr” or anywhere! Your plans for your family are just for you and no one else! Get your SO into therapy!
Change the locks. You can keep keys in a lockbox (the ones real estate agents use) for emergencies, but only give out the code at that time. Then change the code afterwards.
First, you messed up by saying you didn’t want her doing it because it was dangerous for her. Never JADE, justify argue defend or explain. Just say NO firmly.
Get your key back.
“I message her (which I don’t want to due to going low contact). Please don’t work on our house, it’s dangerous for you to move the furniture on your own. We will hire someone”
—Wow. I would message… “Stay away from out house. The police are being called. DH will come get the key as soon as we return.
Ugh…my MIL was a snooper and a judger.
She would clean my fridge on the rare occasion she watched our kids.
One time she UNLOCKED a locked bedroom door (spare junk room) and I was mortified.
She was a crazy clean freak and my house was fine but would never live up to her standards. (Also my fridge was clean, mostly). It always made me feel so inadequate and judged.
Get a keypad. You can send her a code and then change it each time, or disable it.
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Change the locks.
Ring cameras.
This is the opportunity to take away her key or change the locks if she does go. You could end up taking a win on this one.
I actually would change the locks and not say anything to her.
Firstly because, you already have told her “no”, and secondly, because she will reveal her entitled actions when she tries to use her old key and it doesn’t work! That will be great for your DH to see.
Change your locks!
Send one last text message. ‘Listen to me, MIL! You are absolutely forbidden to go to our home, move furniture or do anything whatsoever regarding the deck or any other thing. Absolutely and completely forbidden. If you do anything at all to our home while we are not there, you will be on an indefinite time out. No visits, no birthdays, no time with your grandchildren, nothing. You need to respect that when your son and I say NO, we mean it! There will be no further warnings. You do one single thing to our home and you are OUT of our lives.’
Ignore your MiL, do not contact her if you are NC. Do get your house rekeyed when you get home. She doesn’t need a key to your home. Since she is in her late 50s, she was pulling your chain to get a reaction and she got it.
She’s done this on purpose to spoil your visit with your family.
OP, get that house key back or change the locks.
No means no and should not have to be repeated multiple times and then you stressing wondering if she will ignore you and do what she wants.
Perhaps a blunt, if you choose to ignore this then we will be taking some time out so we can all think about where our relationship is heading.
I wouldn’t go away to avoid her, MIL needs to accept and bad luck if she doesn’t that you won’t be spending all your holidays with her.
Oh, she Knows it’s inappropriate, she just Doesn’t care!
Mil, we are telling you this one time, are you paying attention?
If you step foot on our property without our written permission, then we will have no choice but to go full NC for 1 year.
No Easter, mother’s day, birthday, thanksgiving, Xmas, etc. You will be completely cutoff for 1 year.
Do you understand? Tell us you understand. Choose your next action carefully.
Do you want to continue to fight us as if you have some kind of control over our lives, or do you want us to be a loving family that gets along with each other.
The ball is in your court, but we are not playing games anymore.
Whats it going to be?
The minute you give ANYONE access to your home when you’re not there you should have cameras! Not only does it leave you vulnerable to being robbed if they lose the key or gets stolen. But you’ve now got a huge liability issue if they get injured on your property when you’re not home. My dad had a huge natural swimming pool/pond in his backyard on 7 acres with very expensive koi etc. Well guess what happened when he wasn’t home and the neighbor kids wanted to swim. He came home multiple times to them in it. Had to get an unnecessary fence installed along with thousands of dollars worth of security cameras.
Take the key back. It’s just as much your house as your husbands. If either of you are not comfortable with someone having a key that person doesn’t get a key. Also in terms of visiting. He can visit on his own. Fuck what they might say about you, you already know it’s all a lie
Edit to add: change the locks she probs has a copy of the key already
Better to change the locks than just get the key back. I’d bet money she would make a copy of it before it was returned. She’s proven she cannot be trusted.
I’d change your locks, get cameras, and stop telling her about your plans in advance and stop asking her for any help or recommendations. Every piece of info she has is an opportunity to insert herself even more.