When I was a kid (maybe 7 or 8), I was home sick and drinking a ginger ale watching TV. They had a yoga instructor on (this was in the early 80’s) and he was explaining how to stretch your neck to be able to turn your head farther. The TV interviewer asked, “Can you eventually turn your head all the way around?” The yoga dude just looked at him like he was the stupidest person on earth.
“And then I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by invection inside or almost a cleaning?”
The one that currently comes to the forefront of all the stupid things I have heard in my life, people who STILL think foreign countries pay the tariff tax has got to be it. I learned about tariffs multiple times in elementary and jr high school social studies. If anyone still had any doubt, the definitions are online plainly and simply describing exactly what they are. And yet there STILL needs be social media friendly videos that explain it slower and dumbed down to try and get the understanding to people who can’t be bothered to read.
And it is STILL a divisive conversation. I think it will go down in history as the quintessential example of American willful ignorance and how the complete failure of our educational system was the most easily exploitable lynchpin of our implosive collapse.
2008 when Obama was running for president the first time a friend of a friend – who owned a restaurant – said that he currently paid 38% in taxes for his business and that Obama was going to triple his taxes. I’m good with numbers so I said to him that if he really thought that Obama was going to raise his taxes to 114% that he should pick the propaganda out of his teeth and find a reliable source for his information.
Working EMS. A woman had broken into a store to steal and drink Listerine. We asked her why. She said she needed something to calm down after all the Crack she smoked. We asked why Listerine. She said because it has alcohol. We asked her why she didn’t steal beer or wine or something. She said because she couldn’t have beer or wine because she was an alcoholic.
The father who was asked if he regretted not getting his daughter the MMR vaccine as she ended up dying from measles as a result. He said “she probably would have gotten more sick from the MMR vaccine than she would have from measles.” At this point people like this should be charged with child abuse for not getting a widely proven vaccine that has been around for years. At least with covid it was a new vaccine using a relatively new type of vaccine so I could understand hesitancy but the MMR is such a no-brainer.
“I don’t care what you researched it was written by a white man”
It’s paraphrased, but my sister argued that my deep dive into learning about Hawaiian history after colonization was all moot because one of the historians I’d read from had been white.
“I think I want to smoke crack, I dont feel like doing cocaine tho” – a 15 year old sophomore in my highschool health class. 2 months later she got expelled for possessing crack in her locker and trying to sell it to a freshman. she got it from her mom.
People taking a tongue in cheek fitness meme like it was making fun of people with physical disabilities and not just some throwaway joke with only people who are totally physically capable in mind.
When I was in the Army I was an artillery crew member. Basically I was on the big gun that shot 100lb explosives 20 miles. So one of our additional duties that you would sometimes perform when we are back on base is to man a ceremonial WW2 howitzer that you fire blanks out of for ceremonies. We would also fire this howitzer every morning at 630am and every noon at 5pm to signify the raising and lowering of the flag so people across base knew to stop and salute.
One afternoon when we were on the detail to fire this howitzer, after we fired it one of the soldiers who was on the detail lowering the flag came up to us and asked us where the shells we were always firing landed. This was at Division HQ on Fort Bliss, Texas. Just north of the El Paso Airport, the City of El Paso, and ultimately Mexico. This idiot honestly thought every morning and afternoon on the dot we were firing an artillery shell into a populated area and didn’t consider there was just powder in there to make a “boom”.
I had a buddy tell me a long time ago that he didn’t drink milk because “it looks like cum”.
Probably not the dumbest thing, but it really stands out because what proceeded this was one of the funniest conversations Ive ever had the pleasure of being a part of.
I was yucking it up at a hotel bar one afternoon several summers ago with my friend group. They were laughing at me and we were just generally having a great time, when the bartender on duty with a straight face told them to stop stroking my eagle. 🦅
Went to an Irish-themed cafe and ordered fish and chips. When the food came out, there was only the fish filets. Asked and was told the fries didn’t come with it, “That’s just the name of the dish.”
My former crew leader who is 62 says that you have to have a passport to go to New Mexico. I tried to explain but he is one of those men that if he says it then it’s correct. And you can’t tell him otherwise.
A chick at a party argued with me that the South won the Civil War because the US was South America and Canada was North America, which, of course, left South America as Central America🧐.
She has 3 kids now and works for the government.
🕺😭🤯
I’m chatting with this dude at a party. Just casual stuff, nothing wild. And outta nowhere, he goes, dead serious, “Wait… the moon is a planet too, right?” I didn’t even know how to respond. I just blinked for a sec and I don’t know what to say. No hate, we all say dumb stuff sometimes, but that one is a top tier.
I once met a guy who genuinely believed that the Assassins v Templars conflict from Assassin’s Creed games was, verbatim, “more real than people think”. He really thought there are literal assassins and templars living among us.
Two retired age women come upon a rest area as I do, a sign says, “Gender Neutral Restroom”.
Woman 1: “Gender neutral? What’s that mean?”
Woman 2: “I don’t know, what gender are we?”
Woman 1: “I don’t know either, I think we better find another bathroom, I don’t think we’re allowed to use this one”
This was right at the beginning of the shutdown part of the pandemic, and the exact moment I lost the last shred of faith in humanity that I had been clinging to.
Me, thinking the term ‘white house’ was some sort of symbolic reference to a room in it or a reference to the original national capital in Philadelphia where the previous home of the president was white. I was probably 10 or 11 when I uttered those words, and saw all hope for my future drain from my father’s eyes.
My mom is the queen of dumb shit lol, but this one is my favourite. So, I guess she went to a hypnotist show several decades ago, and she says that she was fully hypnotized and that the dude made her lift an arm unconsciously at one point. Ever since then, she says, she can hypnotize herself and make her own arm move… using only her mind!!! 🤯
It is genuinely fucking hilarious because EVERY time someone triggers that story, she gets absurdly excited to tell it and show off her “trick”. She makes everyone gather around, closes her eyes, and slowly starts lifting her arm up while saying, “Is it doing it?? Can you see it?! Can you see it????” and is just so fucking impressed with herself lmfao.
“You’re juat a whore that doesn’t put out” said to me by an ex after we broke up because he was pushing me to give up my virginity to him and I wasn’t willing to do so.
Teacher at a Tier 1 school / City when training them on use of an educational app: Excuse me ! Will this app still work on my phone if my phone runs out of battery ?
Me: if your car runs out if gas, you can’t expect AC to still run, right ?
Another school, Top 10 school, Dean of the English Apartment: You claim this app is owned by your company but if Google or Apple go out of business, this app would likely disappear leaving us in the lurch, right ?
Me: If two trillion dollar companies (this was about 8 years ago) disappear you’re gonna have bigger problems than your local school app (for news and non essential services) disappearing.
Another Tier 1 school: Principal: If students and parents go digital like this, won’t they forget how to write ?
(Remember, this is just a platform for news, teachers to broadcast minor things and parents to inform kid isn’t coming to school etc)
Me: Miss, you drove here but I’m sure you didn’t forget how to walk.
As you can see with my smart ass answers, I was jaded as fk about the whole thing and already had my one foot out the door.
Comments
once you buy a bike cycling is a cheap sport…
“I can’t smoke menthols when I’m pregnant, they make me sick”
Women don’t have equal rights in this day and age. Edit: This comment had ten upvotes before “you know who,” started downvoting it.
I don’t need to wear condoms, I pull out and pray…
Someone told me, dead serious:
“I don’t trust microwaves because they cook food from the inside out, and that’s not natural.”
Okay Gordon Ramsay, go hug a fire then
I want the best, cheapest (insert product).
“Are the horses in the Paralympics disabled as well?”
“They’re eating the dogs… the people coming in… they’re eating the cats.”
“I don’t want my dog getting vaccinated for rabies because it might give them autism.”
I’ve heard this more than once, and ALWAYS from white women.
Biden isn’t running the show, it’s actually Obama’s secret 3rd term.
“You can’t be racist against white people.”
There’s someone out there for everyone.
Have you ever seen some of the comments on Reddit? That’s a great place to start if you’re looking for the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard.
“Which one is right click?” Spoken by a business analyst. From the IT department.
When I was a kid (maybe 7 or 8), I was home sick and drinking a ginger ale watching TV. They had a yoga instructor on (this was in the early 80’s) and he was explaining how to stretch your neck to be able to turn your head farther. The TV interviewer asked, “Can you eventually turn your head all the way around?” The yoga dude just looked at him like he was the stupidest person on earth.
“fish don’t have teeth”
“pretend you are in the sixteenth chapel” 😵
“Past doesn’t matter”
My best friend said in full confidence “Isn’t the Eiffel tower in Italy?”
“And then I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by invection inside or almost a cleaning?”
‘I got a speeding ticket doing 35 in a 30. I thought you were allowed 10% extra!’
“seat belt is only useful depending on the culture” – medical doctor.
When’s the 4th of July
The one that currently comes to the forefront of all the stupid things I have heard in my life, people who STILL think foreign countries pay the tariff tax has got to be it. I learned about tariffs multiple times in elementary and jr high school social studies. If anyone still had any doubt, the definitions are online plainly and simply describing exactly what they are. And yet there STILL needs be social media friendly videos that explain it slower and dumbed down to try and get the understanding to people who can’t be bothered to read.
And it is STILL a divisive conversation. I think it will go down in history as the quintessential example of American willful ignorance and how the complete failure of our educational system was the most easily exploitable lynchpin of our implosive collapse.
Friend of mine In school was convinced that “you couldn’t pick up your own leg if it was chopped off, it’d be too heavy”
I just picked him up.
“I voted for him so he’ll fix the economy.”
“Mental heath is demonic and the work of the devil!”
“I’m pretty sure everything has been discovered.” This was in a Biology lab. Then some one agreed with them 🙁
Looking in the mirror “you are a smart and funny person” 😞
2008 when Obama was running for president the first time a friend of a friend – who owned a restaurant – said that he currently paid 38% in taxes for his business and that Obama was going to triple his taxes. I’m good with numbers so I said to him that if he really thought that Obama was going to raise his taxes to 114% that he should pick the propaganda out of his teeth and find a reliable source for his information.
I can’t remember the exact conversation but it was a bit like this.
I’m going to this thing this weekend
Going where?
The thing
When?
This weekend
To where?
This thing
Who is?
Me!
When?
I just stopped
Working EMS. A woman had broken into a store to steal and drink Listerine. We asked her why. She said she needed something to calm down after all the Crack she smoked. We asked why Listerine. She said because it has alcohol. We asked her why she didn’t steal beer or wine or something. She said because she couldn’t have beer or wine because she was an alcoholic.
The father who was asked if he regretted not getting his daughter the MMR vaccine as she ended up dying from measles as a result. He said “she probably would have gotten more sick from the MMR vaccine than she would have from measles.” At this point people like this should be charged with child abuse for not getting a widely proven vaccine that has been around for years. At least with covid it was a new vaccine using a relatively new type of vaccine so I could understand hesitancy but the MMR is such a no-brainer.
“I don’t care what you researched it was written by a white man”
It’s paraphrased, but my sister argued that my deep dive into learning about Hawaiian history after colonization was all moot because one of the historians I’d read from had been white.
Edit: don’t
Europe isn’t a continent it’s a country…and yes he was American and was prepared to die on that hill.
“Where’s tsunami?”
“You can’t go on a ‘trek’. That word was invented for Star Trek .”
“Where do they get that Fiji water from, Australia?” Only a small improvement over “How many cans in a six pack?”
“How hard can it be?” usually spoken by the most ignorant person present, to prove their cluelessness to all.
“I think I want to smoke crack, I dont feel like doing cocaine tho” – a 15 year old sophomore in my highschool health class. 2 months later she got expelled for possessing crack in her locker and trying to sell it to a freshman. she got it from her mom.
“What’s your biggest and cheapest TV?”
Dude walked in at like 10:50 right before the end of my shift and expected me to have a cost vs size analysis ready for him. Sir, this is a walmart.
One of my dads ex girlfriends said “the sun and the moon are the same thing, they just flip at night” and was dead serious.
“The country of Africa America”
“We need to run the government like a business”
“people are sheep” – said by a fellow serviceman. Like dude, we literally get paid to be told what to do lol
“Sugar doesn’t have carbs”.
Said by a very obese acquaintance who has always had health issues linked to their weight. It all made sense all of a sudden.
“The MMR vaccine made my daughter and some of her friends gay”.
‘I’m gonna build a wall and make them pay for it’
Or just anything that comes out of his mouth…
People taking a tongue in cheek fitness meme like it was making fun of people with physical disabilities and not just some throwaway joke with only people who are totally physically capable in mind.
Some women have penises.
I choose the bear 🐻
My brother, to me, after watching 12 years a slave.
“I wonder how long he was a slave for”.
“As a woman, I understand what African Americans go through”.
I married my stepmom over the weekend! Yikes and true!
” I was gonna use protection but, you know, when’s the next time I’m gonna be in Haiti?”
“China pays for the tariffs.”
“Are bee hives always in the shape of hexagons? You’d think they’d evolve to something better by now”
*she was very pretty
When I was in the Army I was an artillery crew member. Basically I was on the big gun that shot 100lb explosives 20 miles. So one of our additional duties that you would sometimes perform when we are back on base is to man a ceremonial WW2 howitzer that you fire blanks out of for ceremonies. We would also fire this howitzer every morning at 630am and every noon at 5pm to signify the raising and lowering of the flag so people across base knew to stop and salute.
One afternoon when we were on the detail to fire this howitzer, after we fired it one of the soldiers who was on the detail lowering the flag came up to us and asked us where the shells we were always firing landed. This was at Division HQ on Fort Bliss, Texas. Just north of the El Paso Airport, the City of El Paso, and ultimately Mexico. This idiot honestly thought every morning and afternoon on the dot we were firing an artillery shell into a populated area and didn’t consider there was just powder in there to make a “boom”.
“she’s in the wet water now”
I had a buddy tell me a long time ago that he didn’t drink milk because “it looks like cum”.
Probably not the dumbest thing, but it really stands out because what proceeded this was one of the funniest conversations Ive ever had the pleasure of being a part of.
“My single friends agree with….”
She might be in a happy, healthy relationship but her single friends will likely sabotage her relationship just so they get their bff back.
“We’re going to Portugal. That’s somewhere in South America right?”
Spoken by contestants on The Amazing Race some seasons back.
“ just close that valve halfway “
“ half open or half shut? “
“Wait… if it’s going to be tomorrow there before us why don’t they tell us what will happen?”
That was the night I had to explain the concept of time zones to a state university freshman
I was yucking it up at a hotel bar one afternoon several summers ago with my friend group. They were laughing at me and we were just generally having a great time, when the bartender on duty with a straight face told them to stop stroking my eagle. 🦅
Went to an Irish-themed cafe and ordered fish and chips. When the food came out, there was only the fish filets. Asked and was told the fries didn’t come with it, “That’s just the name of the dish.”
“Midgets are descendents of leprechauns.”
My former crew leader who is 62 says that you have to have a passport to go to New Mexico. I tried to explain but he is one of those men that if he says it then it’s correct. And you can’t tell him otherwise.
“I believe you can be gay or straight but not bi. That’s just being greedy”
She wasn’t making a joke. Spent an entire evening out with her listening to her saying dumb things.
She was good looking but after listening to her for an evening I never went out with her again.
A chick at a party argued with me that the South won the Civil War because the US was South America and Canada was North America, which, of course, left South America as Central America🧐.
She has 3 kids now and works for the government.
🕺😭🤯
They’re eating the dogs, they’re eating the cats
I often wonder if when people get asked this question, have any of the stupid things I’ve said come to their mind 😂
“95% of the people who watch The Big Bang Theory don’t really understand the jokes. I think I am among the few people who do.”
Sure, buddy. You’re very smart for also watching the most-watched show in the world, that was infamous for making dumb people feel smart.
I’m an Englishman, was dating an American. Just gazing into the night sky (in America) and she asked if we had a moon in England.
“It’s like the more the day goes on… the tireder I get?”
“Miss… do gladiators still fight in the colosseum today?” In a high school English class, watching the movie Spartacus for some reason
I’m chatting with this dude at a party. Just casual stuff, nothing wild. And outta nowhere, he goes, dead serious, “Wait… the moon is a planet too, right?” I didn’t even know how to respond. I just blinked for a sec and I don’t know what to say. No hate, we all say dumb stuff sometimes, but that one is a top tier.
I once met a guy who genuinely believed that the Assassins v Templars conflict from Assassin’s Creed games was, verbatim, “more real than people think”. He really thought there are literal assassins and templars living among us.
Two retired age women come upon a rest area as I do, a sign says, “Gender Neutral Restroom”.
Woman 1: “Gender neutral? What’s that mean?”
Woman 2: “I don’t know, what gender are we?”
Woman 1: “I don’t know either, I think we better find another bathroom, I don’t think we’re allowed to use this one”
This was right at the beginning of the shutdown part of the pandemic, and the exact moment I lost the last shred of faith in humanity that I had been clinging to.
That other countries pay for our tariffs, and that inflation was somehow Biden’s fault.
“If it weren’t for that horse, I never would have graduated college.”
To me,
”Can I get a baconator with no bacon?”
My phone rang. It was my mother. I was busy, so I sent her to voicemail.
My wife was sitting next to me, heard the phone ring, saw me put the phone down, then asked who it was.
Me: my mom.
Her: oh? What did she say?
Me: (looking at her dumbfounded) …are you fucking serious?
Her: what? Why would you say that?
‘Women can tell when a man’s had a vasectomy; the texture is different.’
No, dude. Just no.
It was so mind-numbing it took me a good few seconds to say ‘Not without a microscope’
An otherwise intelligent person too. Wow.
How big is a footlong? (At Subway) A LOT of times
“You can’t get there from here”. Gas station attendant in Kentucky when I asked him direction to the interstate.
Working at a pet store. “Do birds drink?”
Here’s a runner up, “do fish breathe air?” These were adults not curious children
I called and asked my neighbor to please turn off her back floodlights. She asked how I knew they were on…
“What color is the white house?”
Me, thinking the term ‘white house’ was some sort of symbolic reference to a room in it or a reference to the original national capital in Philadelphia where the previous home of the president was white. I was probably 10 or 11 when I uttered those words, and saw all hope for my future drain from my father’s eyes.
“Noon? Well what time is that?”
A friend. My watch is made of quartz, the hardest substance known to man. It won’t scratch.
But my god, there are so many it’s hard to even pick one.
My mom is the queen of dumb shit lol, but this one is my favourite. So, I guess she went to a hypnotist show several decades ago, and she says that she was fully hypnotized and that the dude made her lift an arm unconsciously at one point. Ever since then, she says, she can hypnotize herself and make her own arm move… using only her mind!!! 🤯
It is genuinely fucking hilarious because EVERY time someone triggers that story, she gets absurdly excited to tell it and show off her “trick”. She makes everyone gather around, closes her eyes, and slowly starts lifting her arm up while saying, “Is it doing it?? Can you see it?! Can you see it????” and is just so fucking impressed with herself lmfao.
“You’re juat a whore that doesn’t put out” said to me by an ex after we broke up because he was pushing me to give up my virginity to him and I wasn’t willing to do so.
that rats didn’t have bones from some people who work with me
There have been so many. That the world is flat is pretty far up the list.
Teacher at a Tier 1 school / City when training them on use of an educational app: Excuse me ! Will this app still work on my phone if my phone runs out of battery ?
Me: if your car runs out if gas, you can’t expect AC to still run, right ?
Another school, Top 10 school, Dean of the English Apartment: You claim this app is owned by your company but if Google or Apple go out of business, this app would likely disappear leaving us in the lurch, right ?
Me: If two trillion dollar companies (this was about 8 years ago) disappear you’re gonna have bigger problems than your local school app (for news and non essential services) disappearing.
Another Tier 1 school: Principal: If students and parents go digital like this, won’t they forget how to write ?
(Remember, this is just a platform for news, teachers to broadcast minor things and parents to inform kid isn’t coming to school etc)
Me: Miss, you drove here but I’m sure you didn’t forget how to walk.
As you can see with my smart ass answers, I was jaded as fk about the whole thing and already had my one foot out the door.
“I thought Indian was short for Indigenous”
They said they were cooking their chicken medium rare, I said enjoy the salmonella, they said no not salmon, chicken 🫠🤣
Ukraine started the war.
“Do you speak English in England?”
Asked by a Californian barista. To me, a Brit.