Relationship advice- (29F) and (31M)
Back story: Me and my fiancé have been together for 7.5 years. We have 3 kids ( oldest 2 are not his) and it’s been tough but we’ve always stuck through it. Never any cheating or issues with loyalty. My fiancé is an addict. When we first met he was a year sober, about 8 months into us dating he relapsed because the pressure of providing for a family was too much and he took it on too quickly. So we broke up and when he got sober, we tried again. Well I’m happy to say he is 6 years sober from hard drugs! He went about a year sober from everything once we got back together, but then came the alcohol addiction. The last few years have been rough and he’s now doing what he needs to stay sober. He’s 9 months sober from alcohol now and still sober from hard drugs. This may be allover the place because I am asking for advice but I may also be venting a little.
When he wasn’t sober there was some verbal abuse, he would throw stuff and get really angry easily. So we were always walking on egg shells. Well even now that he’s sober I feel like I’m still always walking on egg shells to not say something to make him feel a type of way so he doesn’t relapse. Like I can never express how I truly feel out of fear for relapse. Today when he got home he immediately said he was going to the gym and then to a meeting and wouldn’t be home till 10 even though he was already gone all day at work. I told him that I didn’t realize I was only going to see him for 5 mins today and that’s what started him going off about how I’m always angry he has to go do stuff for him to stay good. I simply just said maybe he should find better times to do it that doesn’t ALWAYS cut into family time and that really pissed him off. I am honestly just so sick of not being able to tell him how I feel without the fear of him relapsing. It’s not fair.
I stay home with kids full time, I also own a small business and I work part time on the weekends at another job. God forbid I just want to spend time with the man I love?? But with the way he turns it on me it makes me feel wrong for expressing that to him. Makes me shut down and not want to tell him that. He works, comes home and either plays his guitar or goes to the gym and he goes to 3-4 meetings a week. I know that he needs these things to help him be the best him and I really don’t mind it but he isn’t understanding that I just want him to find better times to do some of it that doesn’t cut into our family time. I am not trying to call him selfish either but it’s always about the things he needs to do for him. I haven’t had a break in months, if I’m not home with the kids, I’m working. He has “ him time” literally daily. He’s become selfish in bed, as long as he finishes we’re done. The business I own, I just recently become the owner 2 weeks ago, I sent him a photo of the paperwork being official and he didn’t even respond but then texted me a photo of himself with his new haircut. Today he told me I don’t tell him enough how great of a job he does or how proud of him I am and it pissed me off when I literally just bought a business, become the owner and he didn’t acknowledge me and my milestone??? His mom tells him daily how proud of him she is so I guess because I’m not doing it daily it means I don’t do it enough. At this point I’ve been simmering and if he speaks to me I’m probably going to explode.
Is there another way I should be asking him to find better times to go to the gym?
Am I wrong for wanting to spend time with him other than just when he wants to have sex?? Or am I wrong for advocating for more family time with him??
How can I just communicate without having to feel like I’m walking on eggshells?? because that in itself just seems so unhealthy for our relationship.
TL;DR: A woman (29F) expresses frustration about her fiancé (31M), who is in recovery from addiction. Despite his sobriety, she feels like she’s walking on eggshells, afraid to voice her feelings to avoid triggering a relapse. He prioritizes his recovery activities, often at the expense of family time, leaving her feeling neglected and unappreciated. She struggles with wanting time together and advocating for family time without fear of his anger, and is seeking advice on how to communicate her needs without feeling guilty or worried about his reactions.
Comments
He needs to be able to do both. Be your partner, be a parent, and be sober. You need to tell him directly all of this. If he relapses, guess who’s fault that is? Not yours.
6 years sober? Awesome. 6 years sober but a bad partner and parent? Not awesome.
this is a situation that needs counseling ASAP. is there a chance that he’s relapsed again? because I’m getting the vibe that he is
“Is there another way I should be asking him to find better times to go to the gym?”
There isn’t another way. There is no way. One does not ask a man to find better times to go the gym. A woman should not want to control her man’s schedule. Something bothers you, you can make a suggestion; you should tell him how you feel as a result of him being away all the time, and he should listen if he was raised right, but your goal is to inform him, and to express yourself. That’s it. It’s not about control. He decides what he does. If you don’t like that, why are you with him? Same for him. What’s he doing marrying a woman he doesn’t enjoy spending time with? That’s messed up. How much family time do you guys enjoy on a weekly basis?
You are right : walking on eggshells is a poison for the soul. You aren’t even married and you are already censoring yourself. I don’t see how this can end well.