I (17F) have lived at the same house for all my life. In August of 2023, my stepdad passed away and my mom (47F) was the one who came upon his body. Since then, my mother has struggled with PTSD. Less than a year after his death, she started dating a new guy (42M) and he basically started moving in with us (without me being even told what was going on) 3 months after they started dating. Now, he’s telling my mom that the spirit of my stepdad is haunting my mom. So my mom is now trying to find a new place to live for less than a year. Basically, her plan is that she wants to sell our house, buy another one in the same area, sell that after I graduate, then move to a much more expensive state. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that because I’ve lived here all my life and I would just like some normalcy in my final year of highschool next year. I also told her that would probably cost a lot of money given that our mortgage is about a fourth of the price of mortgage in the surrounding area, so that would probably cost a lot of money, as well as her still having over $15,000 in credit card debt. She began yelling at me telling her that I didn’t want her to be happy and that she’s been sacrificing everything for people over the past 20 years and now when she’s finally stopped, she’s still having to make sacrifices. Am I the asshole for telling her I don’t want to move?
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I (17F) have lived at the same house for all my life. In August of 2023, my stepdad passed away and my mom (47F) was the one who came upon his body. Since then, my mother has struggled with PTSD. Less than a year after his death, she started dating a new guy and he basically started moving in with us (without me being even told what was going on) 3 months after they started dating. Now, he’s telling my mom that the spirit of my stepdad is haunting my mom. So my mom is now trying to find a new place to live for less than a year. Basically, her plan is that she wants to sell our house, buy another one in the same area, sell that after I graduate, then move to a much more expensive state. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with that because I’ve lived here all my life and I would just like some normalcy in my final year of highschool next year. I also told her that would probably cost a lot of money given that our mortgage is about a fourth of the price of mortgage in the surrounding area, so that would probably cost a lot of money, as well as her still having over $15,000 in credit card debt. She began yelling at me telling her that I didn’t want her to be happy and that she’s been sacrificing everything for people over the past 20 years and now when she’s finally stopped, she’s still having to make sacrifices. Am I the asshole for telling her I don’t want to move?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Mom was dating and in a serious relationship within a year? She met a guy who is going to take her money once the house is sold. He’s using her. Call an attorney and find out if you have any claim to part of your step dad’s estate. If not, there is not much you can do other than try to get her to break up with this guy.
Not an ahole for telling her you don’t want to move, and she’s not an ahole for wanting to if she found your dad’s body in that house and has PTS from that experience
NAH
NTA. You can express how you feel about the situation. But in the end it’s her decision what to do with her house ( even if it’s a bad one ).
Sounds like new step dad wants mom’s equity.
Too bad your mom didn’t get grief counseling b/c that’s what’s going on here. Hopefully, you have extended family in the area who will allow you to stay with them through your senior year. It’s your mom’s house & she can do with it what she wants.
Ish.
Is your mum getting help for the PTSD and bereavement? If not, she needs that, and so do you.
Did your stepdad die in the house? If so, then it is likely to be a trigger.
The guy she’s dating, is he actually ok, or is he a jerk? Ignoring the ghost comments as that may just be a way of explaining the trigger if stepdad died there.
Maybe approach it a different way. “Moving away sounds like a plan, but let’s see a financial advisor to help us work out the best way to achieve that.” That way, you aren’t dismissing her feelings, and you get to delay it slightly.
Unless the house is in negative equity, the credit card debt can normally be included with the change in mortgage.
NAH, aside from maybe the new boyfriend. Everybody experiences grief in different ways. So sorry you are going through this. I would not get too down in the weeds about the mechanics and financials of it all unless your mom asks for your input on that part, and keep conversations between the two of you regarding the subject being limited to your desire to stay in the home if at all possible until you finish school.
NTA-When she starts looking she will realize that she is going to be priced out of the area and then try to force you to change schools for your last year. She needs to hold it together for just your school year and then do what she wants.
Whoa, that boyfriend of your mom’s is 🚩🚩🚩, imo. He’s jealous of your dad from beyond the grave? Nah.
Your mom is grieving and it sounds like maybe she’s rebounding pretty hard. 3 months is not long enough to move in with someone. For her sake, she needs to slow it down. I get that it could be really hard to say this to her. Maybe a conversation focused on her talking about her feelings and some open communication about asking her to wait just until you move out? Maybe framing it as being about her giving you grace (YOU need to grieve, too!!) would help.
You’re NTA. Your mom’s NTA. The boyfriend…. Ehhhh, I’m very skeptical of him.
NTA although I can understand why your mum is severely traumatised by finding the body of your stepdad. However, the person she is with now, is scamming her with nonsense about a spirit in order to get his hands on some money.
NTA. she’s an asshole for that line about “sacrificing for people for 20 years”. i hate it when parents don’t parent, her job ain’t done until you’re AT LEAST out of high school so it’s not time to “live for you” yet baby. she can wait a year for you to finish school🤣 but at the end of the day you’ll have to let her make her stupid decision, just protect yourself and don’t sign your name for anything surrounding this. (i realize you’re still 17 but she could definitely try to take advantage once you’re 18. my mom once tried to talk me into getting a loan with her as co-signer but it’s actually just her loan in my name.)
NTA and send your mom the signs of an abuser 3 months to moving in is insane and quick involvement is bad sign number 1
Adding No Test
Explain to her that she really should be taking a step back and analyze this relationship better instead of making decisions in the honeymoon period
Tell your mom you need to go to counseling with her. She needs real help for her PTSD and grief.
If she sells 2 houses & buys 2 houses using real estate agents, she is going to be paying for parts of 4 commissions, up to 7% for each house, or 28% for 4. These will be split among buyers & sellers, but it’s still a lot to add to high home prices.
It sounds like he recognizes that your mom has a lot of equity in the house, and he wants part of it. Selling the house will also get him a place that is “his” or “theirs” and not just hers. Seems like step dad’s ghost is “haunting” him. At 40+ years old and he had to move in quickly with a widow and her child sounds like he isn’t too stable himself and is probably a gold digger. Next, he’ll have her not really supporting you once you go away to college, if that’s the path you’re on.
NTA Also, you should tell your mom in front of BF that if your stepdad really is haunting HER from the grave, he’ll move with them wherever they go.
I agree BF is red flag and Mom should deal with her PTSD instead of running from it with a manipulative man.
I feel like there’s something missing from this story. First off: selling a house, buying another house, and then selling that house and moving again in the period of a year is an AMAZINGLY bad financial decision. It sounds like the new boyfriend is manipulating your mom into this bad plan. I have a bad feeling that he plans to somehow benefit financially from this real estate shell game he’s pushing.
Will his name be on the deed to the new house? Will your mom be using some of the home equity to pay off her credit card debt and perhaps give some of the proceeds to the boyfriend?
Does your mom have sufficient income to manage the new house payment ON HER OWN if the boyfriend dips? If she has that kind of income WHY is she $15K in credit card debt?
The sensible thing to do would be to REMAIN in the house with the lower payment until after you graduate (and the rollercoaster of the economy settles down). She can then take the difference between her current payment and the much higher “new” payment and put that money directly toward her credit card debt.
NTA
I’d be concerned that the new guy is trying to take advantage of her. Sounds like there’s other kids in the house you’ve been taking care of? Is there a grandma or dear friend of moms that you can reach out to? Getting her a trusted friend to talk to and open her eyes about the decisions she’s making could be helpful.
Oh the “sPiRt of your stepfather” is haunting them…. wow…. your mom needs help. Do you have any healthy minded family around?
NTA but your mom is vulnerable and you need to be careful to get through to her.
Your argument re the mortgage is not a great one, if her mortgage is small, she may have equity in the property that means she can pay off her debt and use it as a high deposit in a new place. Is your house lower value to others in the area?
What you could say is that there are costs associated with buying and selling that aren’t worth it if you want to do that twice in as many years, estate agency fees, moving van etc. It could cost 20k and doing that twice in 2 years is a waste.
Also if she had a good relationship with her husband,would he haunt her?? Suggest perhaps he is warning her.
She shouldn’t buy with her new boyfriend either, that is a major red flag!
Mom needs grief counseling and therapy for her trauma.
The bf is taking advantage of her mental despair.
Golden rule has always been not to do anything for a year after any trauma.
Mom is an adult and unfortunately is not listening to reason.
Is there a friend or sister you can talk to about this so that they can be a voice of reason?
NTA
If you and your mom have any joint bank accounts, you need to open new solo accounts and get your name off of the old accounts as quickly as possible. It sounds like this new boyfriend is actually a scammer and so you don’t want him to accidentally take your money too. and I really hope it works out and your mom comes to her senses.
No we’ll adjusted Man in his 40s should be in a position to move in with his GF of 3 months. They should already own their own home and have a decent living established. This guy sounds like a moocher/leech.
Also note that buying a house and selling in less than 2-3 years will seriously be expensive. You have to pay extra taxes. Not a sound financial move at all.
Your mom should tell her new BF to take her on a quick trip somewhere together. He pays for it all. If he cares that much and is living rent free, he can afford it.
She probably won’t listen to you, but you should try. Do you have any aunts, uncles, or grandparents who could talk to her? Does she have any close friends? Are there any adults anywhere who could intervene and spell out why she should wait?
NTA but honestly if she’s been “sacrificing everything” for 20 years, what’s one more?!? Is there a family member you could move in with for this final year or a sibling/aunt, etc. that could move in with you for the year? Then she could go do whatever she wants while you stay and finish school?
I’m extremely biased when it comes to this subject. I feel like any parent who moves a child away from their high school, particularly in the last 2 years, for no good reason other than their own desires, is a selfish prick. High school is hard enough.
And parents that scream about the sacrifices they had to make for their minor children (when it comes to everyday parenting, not actually going above and beyond) are the worst of the worst.
This scenario wreaks of your mother’s boyfriend’s influence but she’s a grown woman. She’s responsible for any decisions she makes. Hopefully reality will set in when she starts looking at home prices and interest rates.
If the boyfriend wasn’t involved, YTA. You said so yourself, she has PTSD and wants to leave the house. She has every right to sell the house and move on. If the situation was reversed, would you want to stay?
That said, major red flags on the boyfriend. Is there a family member or friend of your mom’s who you can express your concerns to? Boyfriend is trying to make your mother choose between you and him. Your dad just died! You and your mother should be supporting each other!