TLDR: My partner (36 M) doesn’t follow through, procrastinates, isn’t helping much around the house anymore, and quit his job without talking to me first. It’s only getting worse and now I’m paying most of our bills. I (32 M) feel like I’m reaching my breaking point and think it might be time to break up.
Here’s some background and details:
We’ve been together for 10 years. He’s always been a procrastinator, but over the years it’s only gotten worse. The only time anything gets done is if it’s for him or something he wants. We’ve had many disagreements because I’ll ask him to help with something and it takes months for there to be any movement on it, oftentimes to the point where I have to do it myself.
This also carries over into chores, grocery shopping, and anything that needs to be done for or around the house. For example, I will load the dishwasher at night and ask him to wash the dishes in the sink. He’ll put away the dishes in the dishwasher in the morning, but will leave the dishes in the sink because he says ‘it’s gross’. The same thing applies to cleaning the bathrooms — he just won’t do it because ‘it’s gross’. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind cleaning things (like the bathrooms or washing the dishes in the sink) if he picked up the slack elsewhere, but he doesn’t. I do almost all the cleaning in the house.
Not only that, but I’m the one who keeps our household up and running. I do most of the grocery shopping, the cleaning, I bring the trash out, schedule maintenance on our major home appliances, ensure he has his doctors appointments scheduled, I make sure our bills are paid, and so much more. I don’t ask for much for myself…
However, the moment I do something for myself, like express the want to buy a PS5 for example, I’m told ‘we don’t need that’. Then after some pushing, he’ll let me buy it but then will tell me it’s just to try it. So, of course I bought it ‘to try it’, and now, multiple times a week, he keeps telling me that we should return it. It feels like I can’t have anything for myself. Meanwhile he buys collectible figures left and right and I don’t say a word because I know that’s what he enjoys and loves.
The cherry on top is that over a year ago he found out his job was going to require employees to go back in the office full time — 5 days a week. Instead of talking to me about it, he gave his 2 week notice and quit. He thought he’d find a job very quickly. That hasn’t happened and now I’ve been paying the majority of our bills. I’ve even had to pause my 401k contributions to make sure we’re able to get by. Again, life happens. But I’m at my breaking point because he doesn’t pick up enough slack around the house, or in our life together generally, to make up the difference. I’m overwhelmed and beginning to think that I would be better off on my own at this point.
Am I overthinking? What should I do?
Comments
I didn’t even read it all. Time to call it quits
You already know what to do. They’re unreliable, and take you for granted. No second or third chances. Drop them when the lease is up.
He is taking you and your efforts for granted, and it’s not going to get better. This is not the dynamic that should exist in a partnership. I also think washing the dishes is gross. My response to my partner asking would be to see if there’s any other chores to help with. Laundry for example.
OP, please leave. His actions are communicating how little he cares and respects you. It is natural for people to struggle, but he is making no effort to combat that. It’s not your responsibility to help someone who refuses to help themselves (and you).
In my view you’re effectively mothering him, which is highly likely to build resentment over time. I think the only real question for you is, is this what you want?
🙏
Sounds like you’ve been raising him for 10 years.
You need to have a pretty deep and honest conversation at this point.
Consider fostering a child if you need to care for someone, but don’t let this man take you for granted.
> I don’t ask for much for myself…
Well, maybe you should.
The reality is that he’s not going to change. He’s been like this for 10 years. The core issue is that he’s selfish and doesn’t care if you suffer as long as he’s comfortable. That’s a character flaw, not a situational issue you can fix. You need to decide to care for yourself since he won’t and kick him to the curb.
It sounds like the further you got into the relationship, the more comfortable he felt with slacking and transitioning to more of an irresponsible son role than a partner. Some people really can’t be assed with being responsible and organizing their own life, and chances are he’s been enabled to not even care or see the value of putting in effort for a long time.
Decide if you want a partner or a child. To me this sounds like a child. At least the mentality of one….
Still sorry you had to go through this.
Don’t give more of your energy and your life away.
Walk away. Even better, run away. Anything. Just get away.
Life is too precious to be wasted.