No matter who I date this seems to end up being the feeling I have. My mother and friends have the mindset that this is unavoidable when it comes to choosing a partner. I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t feel like this with a right man.. But maybe that’s naive of me to hope for. Does every woman feel like this? And to what capacity?
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Yes, it’s possible. But you may have to date slightly older guys to find one.
Yes but they have to be self sufficient already before you. Like you cant change this behavior in people
Of course it’s possible. But there are two sides to a relationship — you’ll need both to find a mature man and to explore what parts of your own behavior might be causing you to fall into the role of “mother” in your romantic relationships.
A better question to ask may be why are you choosing guys who want their partner to be their mom?
Of course. Find a functional adult and then stop yourself if you feel tempted to enable that kind of stuff.
Gross. I’d never want to date a man where he acts like a child. Fuck that!
Can’t ever settle for it. Gotta keep your time reserved for someone that meets your standards.
And being a base level functional adult also shouldn’t be the standard. It’s gotta be better than that. You deserve it.
>Is it possible to date a man without feeling like their mother?
Yes
>My mother and friends have the mindset that this is unavoidable when it comes to choosing a partner
Ew
>Does every woman feel like this?
No
>And to what capacity?
Only to the extent you are willing to tolerate
You pick them up—but if you choose not to play that game, they simply walk away. After all, it takes two to tango.
Yes but they need to be as responsible as you are, as communicative as you are and you need to have trust with them to the point where you don’t check in on them about THEIR stuff – remind them about THEIR stuff.. or feel the need to care take them in general outside of a healthy loving and equal way!
Trust me and work on your feminine energy sis! The more you step into your feminine energy (specially the dark one) you’ll stop “babysitting” men cuz once you’re aligned, they’ll step in theirs masculine energy therefore act more towards what they want instead of expecting somebody to get their shit done
Trust me this really works 🫶🏼
100%, as someone who sucks at normal home stuff like cooking/repairs, I often feel like the one who can’t do anything (but that’s not true, I’m very good at the logical finances portion but that never really makes me feel like a mother)
Yeah, but they lie and live bomb as well, easy to be tricked into thinking they’ll remain self sufficient for the entirety of the relationship. (I mean, it was only my second relationship, so I’m sure there was a bit of naivete at play on my part)
Mine straight up lied (but is an orphan with no living family, so it was quite difficult to vet him; avoid men who have no family to speak of is my advice—though I’m not hating on orphans!!! Just this one is a trickster)
Never! It’s not normal to feel like their mother! He’s a grown up a$$ man who must be able to take care of himself independently, just like any woman can.
If their mother, or father, could not prepare them, abd then he couldn’t manage most if things by himself, it is NOT your job to educate a man child.
I never felt like I’m a mother to my husband. We’ve been married 10 years.
Have you considered the problem may lie in your choice of men?
Not only possible, but essential. Seriously, the first hint that a guy expects you to be his mom (doing for him, “teaching” him) is disqualifying. Drop him like a hot rock.
Just don’t let that be the relationship dynamic you establish or let happen. If men know and realise their partner wants/needs/expects them to take the initiative, lead, be a capable functional human… they will. But anyone, for the most part… when they realise they can coast… they also will. Seeing as society generally values women in ways they provide and give, and conforming to expectations of acquiring a man, marrying, and being a mother… A lot of them do lead with that foot forward when wanting or entering a relationship, that ends up being established as the norm in that relationship, and the women get fed up when they’re expected to do this 24/7.
It’s similar to building unrealistic expectations. It’s really better to just be yourself, don’t do more than you will and want when you’re say 10years into a relationship, and I don’t think you’d have as many women complaining about choosing/dating/marrying a man and having to mother them. It’s really just about setting, establishing, and sticking to your boundaries and expectations to how you want to be treated in a relationship.
For more info, I recommend reading up on overfunctioning/underfunctioning in relationships if this is a belief or problem you (and women around you) have. As studies suggest you tend to have similar relationship patterns/outcomes/perspectives as the women around you and repeat the same mistakes/successes. So if you want to break the pattern and you can’t change your circle(s), gonna need to be particularly strict/selective.
I would say it’s more common than not. Our brains are different and so we have different natural tendencies, and we have been socialized differently.
You’ll need to hold the value of looking for a man whom you observe to be self-sufficient. Don’t get too deep too quickly. Observe if he actually cooks and cleans for himself. How is his general management of his life, etc. And then when you’re moving forward, it’s super important to actually examine yourself and how you show up in relationship.
Women have also been socialized to fill a role like this and we naturally move to nurture, so without thinking we can often take over in this way. It’s important to understand how you have cultivated and enabled this in relationships.
It’s of course okay to want to nurture and love, but do so appropriately as a partner, not a mother. Don’t take over. Don’t start telling him what to do or how he could do things better. If he is flailing in an area, don’t step in and try to fix and control everything so he doesn’t feel the repercussions. Just allow him to live as an adult human, alongside you as an adult human. Don’t slip into the familiar pattern. It actually takes conscious work on your behalf to avoid creating this dynamic.
I have 2 children already I have no desire to adopt a third. I nope out as soon as they show signs of expecting me to mommy them. There are lots of dudes out there that are functional adults.
I’m sorry, I can never expect to see myself babysitting a man child. I can’t be their mother, sorry.
Yeah, bounce the fuck out at the first sign of the bullshit.
I’ve never dated such men. So I guess it’s possible. But having to care for someone in this way gives me the ick and I guess I was always careful about this.
You also need to be sure you’re not participating in the dynamic, because every dynamic has two people in it.
Yes of course it’s possible.
You need to slow down the start of the relationship. Make it about going out. Not to your place, and not to his place. If you decide to spend time at each others house (many months into the relationship) – don’t act like his mother. If you are going to cook for him, either get him to help by food prep or washing up, or bringing groceries. Don’t treat him like a child. Don’t act like his mother. If you start doing things for him, he will expect it. Make the chores and home effort 50/50. The fastest way to ruin your sex life is to act like his mother. For you both.
Weaponized incompetence- lots of men will go that.
If not that- I’ve had men break down into child like cry fits. Not kidding.
Walk away in the fits.
Address the incompetence “ no, please do this this other way “
Don’t do things for them.
Unless they’re bringing tons to the table and most men are not …. But they expect you to do so.
WHAT I WOULD SAY TO 20 YEAR OLD ME…
BE OKAY WITH FREEDOM.
BE OKAY WITH YOUR OWN MONEY
BE OKAY WITH SAVING
BE OKAY WITH TRAVEL
BE OKAY WITH HAVING RELATIONSHIPS WITH NO EXTRA RESPONSIBILITIES OR EXPECTATIONS.
BE OKAY TO ENJOY DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT, WHENEVER YOU WANT, HOWEVER YOU WANT, WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT.
BE OKAY WITH LOVING YOUR OWN LIFE AS IT IS RIGHT NOW.
43 NOW, WITH 2 KIDS UNDER 5 AND WHILE I LOVE THEM AND MY LIFE AND MY PARTNER AND MY CAREER, I ALSO MISS MY QUIET ‘BORING’ SINGLE ME LIFE. 😆
It is. You really have to choose the right man.
With communication anything is possible! The problem with the older generations is that their time was different. Women in 1975 barely were able to get a credit card so they dealt with men’s bad behavior because they had to. So they had to be their moms. They are starting to be more conditioned to take care of themselves but there are still a lot of women who are still doing it all, which sucks for them. But talking about your expectations and communicating that is very important. And that’s how you won’t date these man babies
Just … don’t act like their mother?
Yes,
U have find an actual man not a man-baby
U have to know when to back off and accept the way he does things differently if they aren’t hurting anyone. U kinda have to be intentional about feeling equal and allowing some feminine behaviors to shine through so his masculine side shows… if u treat him like a boy he will a boy forever
Let him know upfront you can’t be his mom’s replacement
It’s important for you to maintain strong boundaries that prevent “mothering.”
No, I don’t feel like a mother to my husband. It’s possible to be in relationships with men without them taking a childlike role.
Yes. I found that being less focus on their needs and more my own really helped. They are adults and can manage on their own just like many women do. Why do we have to act all maternal with them when they ain’t paternal with us?
just dont put up with it. If it starts to trend that way, speak up and stop it.
also, dont put yourself in that role. They are fully capable of setting their own appointments, buying gifts for their parents and family members (ie. on mothers/fathers day, Christmas etc), cooking, cleaning etc. Dont take that all on. Once you start set that precedence, it will become the norm so dont start.
Example: in the beginning of our relationship (over20yrs ago), my husband said a couple of times “what are we getting for my mom for her birthday?” to which I said “anything you get for her, I’m sure she will love!”. He doesn’t ask that anymore. I wont take on the mental load or that task because it’s not mine to take. I dont ask him that nor do I do that to him so I wont accept it either.
Yes. If both you and he have very firm boundaries.
I’m a nurturer by nature, I’ve been raising kids for years, and I came of age in a religious culture that heavily emphasized doing everything for one’s husband.
I determined years ago that I absolutely didn’t want that. But I know my weaknesses and I know it would be easy for me to fall into that trap. I’m a recovering people pleaser but as much as I have grown that is still a big vulnerability.
This is where my partner’s boundaries come in. He does not allow himself to be mothered. We care for each other, as is reasonable for life partners. But if I start fussing and coddling, he will gently remind me that I do not need to take care of him in that way. He’s got it handled. I need to let him take care of his responsibilities. And he does.
Yes. Find someone who is self-sufficient and don’t rush things. Don’t move in together too soon, but make sure you live together for at least a year (ideally longer) before you get married. Never have kids with someone you’ve known less than 3 years.
And, most importantly, be ready to leave if he starts regressing, even if you are married by that point.
There’s always a chance you meet some evil mastermind, I suppose, who can hide who he is for 3+ years before he can “trap” you with a baby and/or marriage, but most people just aren’t that clever. There will be red flags. You just need to look for them.
I have been with men who wanted a mommy. And when I met my husband I realized he is fully adult and man is that amazing. He’s responsible, he’s a great dad, he helps around the house. They are out there and I hope everyone finds one.
Yes, of course it’s possible. You also have to examine your role in the dynamic. Have firm boundaries and don’t accept them putting you into a mother role. Look into the under and over functioning dynamic and see if any of that resonates with you.
Why is this the type of man you are attracting/attracted to? There’s plenty of men who are not like this.
If you date healed men, yes it is possible.
This is why when I am on the dating apps, I make it clear i am looking for someone who has done inner work.
And then I vet that by asking about their relationship with their family. And that they have indeed lived in their own.
Its why my mom said never date someone who did not go to college or they will expect you to do their laundry. Lol
It’s not too much to hope for. I found one, a fully functional adult.
I’ve never felt like a man’s mother. I simply refuse to take on that role.
Yes it possible; you’ll have to find a guy for one who is living on his own which he’s had to learn how to keep house etc.. if he’s still leaving with his mom there are very good chances that he hasn’t learned to even pick up after himself cause guess what? His mom does it for him. Definitely a disservice to the guys.
it’s possible, but extremely rare! I dated my man for 9 years before I married him, because every boyfriend I had before were independant, self sufficient when I met them and slowly turned into teenage boys when we moved in together.
My husband is, now, dependant on me for certain things (I do all the laundry, yard work, car maintenance, I drive him places, etc) but I’m also dependant on him (he cooks, makes my coffee in the morning, he does my taxes, etc). We both care about each other’s emotional state, mental health, when one is tired, the other takes over! I never feel like his mom, I take care of him, he takes care of me, we’re what an adult couple should be!
But yeah, one gotta be very careful and very observant because from my experience, this is 1 in 10, maybe even 1 in 20 men that WON’T regress all the way back to a child, needing to be managed emotionally, to have his laundry done, his meals planned and prepared and his place cleaned the minute he moves in with a woman.
I’ve never felt like I’m their mum, I always felt like I am their daughters😂😂
Yes! My current bf is very into fitness, so he is super intense about eating a lot each day and having it be very clean and healthy. So he makes me food constantly! I’m drowning in work so he makes me chicken wraps and will bring a little lunch to me when I’m swamped because I forget to eat when I’m busy 😊
He also buys me little presents constantly – little snacks and drinks I like. Nothing fancy, he is just always thinking of me and taking care of me.
He is an avid cook so he loves to have people over so he can cook for them.
He has a cat and he takes wonderful care of her too. She is always cleaned and groomed, and her bowls are clean and hygienic. (I had an ex who never cleaned his cats bowl and I would come over and scrub it for the cat because it was gross).
He doesn’t dust or vacuum a ton, but that is something that bothers me in particular, so I don’t mind that being something I do instead.
He does all the dishes and makes the bed every morning.
I’ve been so busy recently he has also done my laundry for me. He also does laundry a ton because of his whole working out schtick
So they are definitely out there!
Yes, that’s called breaking up with them. I do not tolerate that kind of nonsense. He can be a man or he can be without me. Simple.