I don’t want to post this in relationship_advice since I know he’s on Reddit a lot. Not sure if he knows my username so we’ll see.
I woke up to my partner going through my phone without permission. He’d been acting weird towards me the day before, just off, less physical connection and less affectionate than his usual self. He brightened up after dinner but then the next morning I woke up before he was leaving for work and caught him with my phone. He claimed he was using it to find his phone and “damn android doesn’t know how to use it” like the call button isn’t at the bottom of the screen… I’m not stupid, I’ve lived this experience before from my last relationship with the most toxic shitty man. I saw he had an open text message between a friend and I up and scrolled way higher. I don’t know if he thinks he got away with it or not tbh. But he was distant again and wouldn’t cuddle with me while he was finishing his coffee as we normally do and wouldn’t kiss me goodbye.
I’m assuming he didn’t get the whole context of the conversation and is spiraling down this rabbit hole of me cheating or hiding something. The chat was with a male friend, Harold, who I’ve known for the last ten years, I’m not attracted to him at all & our relationship is platonic. The conversation he I guess had read the end of was about an ongoing joke about my friend and I starting a twitch channel for money, I’m the cute face and he actually plays the games ECT. I lost my job a few months ago and while talking about how I was feeling about that I made a comment about how we should have totally started that twitch account or maybe I should sell feet pictures or look for a sugar daddy. Harold was saying he has a friend who does it and how hard it is to actually run and make money off doing that. I said well that’s what AI is for now right? Like “respond sexily” to this message.
I’ve told my partner about this twitch idea shit before with Harold. This isn’t new information to him, in fact we were even talking about selling feet pictures that night together! I’ve also brought up maybe being a sugar baby to my partner before when I’ve been exasperated about the job hunt. It’s not a serious topic.
My partner is now being very cryptic and sending me messages like : I do deserve someone transparent, committed, and honest. Like, no secrets, right? That would just fuck everything up and waste the best thing to happen to us, huh?
Obviously I got defensive and hurt, it feels like he’s accusing me of something and is testing me to say something about it. But there’s nothing for me to come forward with… I’m literally not doing anything.
Me: Cooooool okay guess this is why you’ve been weird to me and I do not know what’s going on. I’m not hiding anything from you I literally don’t know what you think is going on, I have told you so many times I wouldn’t cheat on you I’m not that kind of person. I don’t have any secrets from you and I don’t know how many different ways I can tell you that”
Him :”I haven’t accused you of anything.Weird you got defensive about it, though. Err, not weird, actually. Pretty normal, unfortunately.”
Me: “Because I’ve had ex’s accuse me of things that aren’t true and it’s very triggering. You’re making me feel very uncomfortable with the phrasing and how you’ve been treating me this morning and yesterday and you brought up cheating on Saturday so of course I’m assuming that’s what this is all about”
Him :”And I’ve had exes that got defensive and doubled down while I waited to see how far they go before I told them I already know”
It feels like he’s waiting to have this AHA moment with me and accuse me of something. But y’all I’m too old for this behavior, I’m not a cheater, I don’t have the energy to seek attention from men elsewhere or to fuck around. Being in a relationship is an addition to my life not something I need I’m fine being single, I’m not codependent at all. I am struggling with depression and job loss and feelings of being an absolute failure. My dog has been showing signs of her age and I’m incredibly worried I’ll have to put her down soon. I’m very close to hitting rock bottom, if I dont find a job soon I’ll have to sell my house and I don’t really know what happens from then on. I have expressed to him that I’m not in a good head space, I’ve had suicidal thoughts and to have my partner treating me like this has put me into more anxiety and I feel a million times worse. He won’t respond to me and hasn’t tried to reach out. I’m incredibly hurt, angry and upset, he went through my phone without my consent and this feeling that he doesn’t trust for no reason other than his own paranoia sucks. If he’d approached me and tried talking to me I’d have let him go through my phone without question.
I guess I’m reaching out into the reddit void to ask how to handle this and how to calm myself down and whenever he talks to me how to have this conversation with him. It’s clear his anxiety and anxious attachment style and past traumas are spiraling in his brain too.
Comments
Sounds like an ex of mine. He would go through my phone and then act like how you are describing. Men who do these things are very insecure and will never change. Leave while you can and don’t look back.
I hate to ask but have to cause I understand anxiety and how that pops up in romance but, is he cheating?
>I guess I’m reaching out into the reddit void to ask how to handle this and how to calm myself down and whenever he talks to me how to have this conversation with him.
You might not be ready yet, but you shouldn’t “handle this.” You should break up with him.
In my experience, men who make off-base cheating accusations are almost always cheating themselves. Since they are cheaters, they try to make themselves feel better by arguing that “everyone does it” and thus project their cheating tendencies onto their partner. But, even if he is not cheating, he is so insecure, being dishonest, and surreptitiously surveilling you. That is controlling behavior, not something to brush off. Stonewalling and the silent treatment are also toxic ways of handling conflict at best, and also often part of an abusive pattern of behavior.
Instead of having an adult conversation about whatever his problem is, he is acting in passive aggressive ways and indirectly accusing you. Then giving you the silent treatment. So this shows that not only is he letting his insecurities drive relationship-destroying behavior, he is emotionally immature. (And like I pointed out above, he might just be projecting and using this as an excuse to cheat.) This is not a good partner, especially given your current difficulties. I would not put up with it if I were you.
I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. Now might not feel like a good time to end a relationship, but I think it could help because you won’t have this accuser-cloud over your head. You may find it frees more energy to focus on a job search and self-care. Please focus on those immediate needs, and maybe working on a contingency plan if you don’t get a new job soon. You do not need to try to “prove” your loyalty to a man who is not loyal himself (whether he is actively cheating or not).
He’s going to keep doing this. Nothing you say will ever be good enough to make him trust you. He needs therapy.
My ex used to go through my phone. He later set up hidden cameras in the house without my knowledge to keep me under surveillance. He was cheating the whole time.
Anyone who went through my phone would be dumped immediately. Instant, non-negotiable dealbreaker. And no, I have never cheated.