My boyfriend, let’s call him Callum (fake name for obvious reasons), and I have been together for 6 months, but we had been close friends for two years prior to dating, so it got serious kinda fast, given we were able to skip the “getting to know each other” phase.
Callum has a best friend, let’s call Peter (also a fake name). I met Peter almost a year before I started dating Callum. No issues upon this first meeting, just a casual friendly thing (it was an also a group of people). Now, before this point, it had always been tradition with my group of friends (who Peter wasn’t a part of, he was friends with Callum through a different friendship group), to catch up every friday night at my house for drinks and to hang out, and I’d usually cook dinner for everyone (I’m of Greek heritage, it’s in my nature to be a hospitable host lol).
Over the year following the first time I met Peter, Callum has asked, on occasion, if Peter could join us on fridays. I always was welcoming, because I am an inclusive person. I always I made sure I cooked enough food for him as well, and I generously shared my drinks with him too (as I do with all my friends). Peter was always good at taking jokes too far. They were often quite mean-spirited and directed my way. I don’t know why, he just simply liked to rip on me. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt and continued to include him and share my food and drinks with him whenever Callum asked for him to join. In hindsight, I feel this was really shitty given I had always been inclusive and had gone to the effort for Peter.
Interestingly, Callum mentioned to me that Peter had a thing for me. Not sure if it was actual feelings or if he just wanted something casual, but anyway, he liked me. I didn’t feel the same way, as at this point I had developed feelings for Callum.
Peter eventually moved to another city. Since then, Callum and I started dating. Peter said he was happy for us, and he also apologised for all the mean jokes he made at me. I never held his behaviour against him, but hearing an apology was nice. We had since had many pleasant interactions whenever he visited our city from his new home, so I assumed the past was behind us and I was happy. Peter even started dating a girl he met on tinder, and it seems to be serious.
Tonight, Callum dropped a bomb on me- he said that Peter told him he doesn’t like me, and doesn’t think I’m right for Callum, because I’m too “immature”. Kinda ironic. Callum said Peter said this out of “genuine concern” for him. I can’t help but think it’s disingenuous- I have always gone out of my way for Peter, and have always been respectful in my conduct (and didn’t even stand up for myself when I probably should have), so this was a real punch in the gut.
I care about Callum so much, and he cares about his friends so much (he has been friends with Peter for over 10 years). For this reason, it is super important to me to be on good terms with his friends (totally don’t have to be friends with them, but being on good terms is important to me). Getting in between Callum and his friends is the LAST thing I want to do.
But at the same time, I can’t help but feel like Peter is an asshole at this point. Happily eating my food, drinking my drinks, while insulting me to my face, and trying to tell my boyfriend I’m not right for him behind the scenes.
When Callum told me what Peter said, I got really upset. Callum feels really bad about it, and blames himself. I told him not to blame himself as this is obviously not on him. But he still insists Peter is a great friend, and asked that I not let this cloud my opinion of Peter and Callum’s friendship with him.
I’m looking for advice on how to handle this. I want to be supportive of Callum, and in spite of Peter’s shitty behaviour, I don’t want to get in between their friendship (out of respect for Callum). I also want to be on good terms with Peter. But at the same time, I want to stand up for myself. And I want Callum to back me up. I’m not sure if Callum completely understands just how hurt I am by Peter. Is what I’m feeling valid? How do I approach a conversation with Callum? Should I talk to Peter?
Let the record show, that I’ve had no issues with any of Callum’s other friends.
TLDR: my boyfriend’s best friend doesn’t like me, and tried to tell my boyfriend I’m not right for him, because I’m immature. How do I handle this?
Comments
This is your boyfriend’s problem to deal with. And opportunity for you to observe.
Peter is an asshat and the only reason he’s saying he doesn’t like you and you aren’t good enough for your bf is because he is -jealous-.
Your bf isn’t that great, what with bringing this person around to use you and take advantage of your kindness/generosity, then make jokes at your expense. He shouldn’t have told you what Peter said, and he should have shut Peter down immediately, but he didn’t. Your bf is weak and doesn’t have your back.
You don’t have to do anything – you’re very fixaed on this. Your BF can deal with it or not. BF got poor judgement for telling you all about the ways his friend judges you (and is attracted to you)?? It is his fault for telling you – not for how his friend feels but at 26 years old the BF doesn’t know how to just not repeat something that might hurt someone else’s feelings without a good reason why? That’s why he dates younger, because he’s behind the curve on emotional maturity.
It’s really none of your business how this one random man feels about you, espcially since he’s not even expressing it directly to YOU. Ask your BF to keep the details to himself and continue to be polite when you’re around but otherwise remember this is just some rando and ignore him. He CLEARLY wants to be in your thoughts.
Yes, Peter is an asshole but so is your BF. What is the point of your BF telling YOU Peter’s critical remarks about you unless your BF is stupid or an asshole himself. If Peter does not like you then that is his problem not yours.
However, how great is your relationship with your BF? Is it amazing? Are you together out of habit?
Maybe now is a good time to analyze this relationship to see if it is meeting your needs.
Have you asked Callum what he thinks about Peter’s idea that you’re not good for him? How much stake does he put into his friends thoughts on you?
Here’s the thing, Callum, as your bf should have told Peter that he doesn’t agree with that assessment. He likes you, it’s only been 6 months, it’s not like he asked if he should propose. And he should have told him that since you are his gf he would expect that Peter treats you nicely when you see each other. To do so otherwise would be disrespectful of Callum’s feelings toward you. You and Peter don’t have to be “friends”, but you should at least be “friendly” toward each other. And you seem to be able to do that, Peter doesn’t.
I’d say to ask Peter directly what it is about you that he has such a problem
the, but really it’s too early in your relationship to make waves about this. In all honestly, you don’t even know if you’ll be together with Callum in another 6 months, however much you would like. Save that option for if things with Callum are getting to a more serious point where you’re talking about moving in, or something other than just dating. Peter doesn’t live close enough that seeing him is an every week thing. You can always decline hanging out with Peter every time he visits, only go when it’s something that you really want to.
Don’t interact with Peter. Don’t talk shit about him. Just be with your bf and be happy/supportive that your bf has friends outside of you.
The rest is up to your bf to deal with. I think this falls under “not your problem”.
If Peter continues to shit talk you to Callum and Callum decides to listen to him then they are both idiots.
Hopefully Callum sees that you are doing nothing wrong and he tells Peter to cut it out.