Hi everyone,
I (33M) was in a relationship with her (32F) for about 2 years. We broke up a few months ago, but I still think about it a lot and I’m struggling to make sense of some things. I’m looking for outside perspectives to help me understand the dynamic between us — and also to figure out whether I was too emotionally dependent.
Some context:
- I have a condition called hyperacusis (extreme sound sensitivity), which makes everyday life painful and isolating. It definitely affected our relationship — I often felt overwhelmed, and struggled to express what I needed clearly.
- I tend to be very anxious and obsessive. I think I relied heavily on Alexandra emotionally, especially when I was going through difficult moments.
- She often told me I seemed unhappy all the time and that I was “complicated,” even when I didn’t feel that way inside. She said she never really felt heard, and that I focused too much on my own struggles.
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One recurring difficulty was emotional expression. Alexandra often asked me to do simple emotional gestures — like saying “I love you” or asking her how she was doing — but when I didn’t do them spontaneously, she would get upset and push me to say them. I felt under pressure, like I was failing some invisible test. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel love or care — I just had a hard time showing it in the way she expected, especially when I was already anxious or overloaded.
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She sometimes repeated things I had said in vulnerable moments and used them against me during fights. It made it harder to open up again.
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When we had fights that left me hurt, I sometimes needed to leave or take space — but she would insist that I stay, even if I was clearly in distress.
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At the end of the relationship before seeing her, I often felt physical tension — tight chest, fast heartbeat, fear of her reactions. I didn’t feel fully safe emotionally, even though I loved her deeply.
Toward the end of our relationship, I made a huge mistake. Out of desperation, I messaged escorts — I didn’t follow through with it, but she found out, and it destroyed what little trust we had left. I know it was wrong, and I regret it deeply. I wasn’t looking for someone else — I was just lost, lonely, and emotionally disconnected. It’s not an excuse, but it’s part of the truth.
Despite everything, I still miss the tenderness and intimacy we shared. I wonder if I stayed too long in something that wasn’t healthy — and whether I put too much pressure on her to meet emotional needs that I should have addressed myself.
I’m working on myself now, trying to understand my patterns. But it’s hard. Did I just need too much? Was she emotionally unavailable? Was it just a bad match?
Any insights would help. Thank you.
TL;DR:
Broke up with my ex after a deep but complicated relationship. I deal with sound sensitivity, anxiety, and emotional dependence. She said I was too self-focused and didn’t give enough emotionally. I felt emotionally unsafe and confused. I also made a serious mistake toward the end (messaging escorts out of despair). Trying to understand what went wrong and how I can grow.