27F. I’ve been in a relationship for almost 6 years. For the first 2-3 years, things felt normal—happy even. But then I found out he had been cheating on me from the beginning. And instead of breaking up with him, I… let it slide. Worse, I encouraged him to see other girls. I don’t know why I did that. He’d date around, come back to me, and I’d just let it happen.
It’s not even like I’m hurt. That’s what scares me. I feel nothing. No jealousy, no anger, no sadness. Just… empty acceptance. And part of me knows that if he stopped coming back, I wouldn’t even care. It wouldn’t break me. It’d just be another thing that happens, and I’d move on like a ghost.
I’ve never been officially diagnosed, but I’ve felt depressed for a very long time. I think I’m mentally deteriorating and I don’t even have the energy to pretend anymore. I have this recurring thought about just walking away from everything, my relationship, my life as it is and disappearing. Not even in a dramatic way. Just quietly vanishing.
I know this isn’t normal. I just don’t know how to fix myself, and I’m scared that I might never feel anything again.
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You definitely sound severely depressed I think. I had a point in my life when everything just felt… bland? Colourless? Like I was just floating through life.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you also don’t have much love/respect for yourself. I only say this because that was my case as well, you could be different.
Best suggestion I can offer is that you need to change up your current life/routine. I think a good step would be to leave him and just keep trying to convince yourself you are about to start a brand new chapter, or heck even a brand new book of your life! You are 27, you are still so young. I’m only 29 now but when I was going through this I thought my life was over, I’d amount to nothing, etc. Seems like you’ve lost yourself and I think you need time to fall back in love with yourself and love the future you that you could be.
Best of luck!!
You are young and caught in the doldrums of depression. I feel for you. You have to start taking steps to improve your situation. If you have access to a therapist, I will strongly suggest that.
You can also take small, basic steps to improve your outlook. Get enough sleep, get a little exercise — get your heart rate pumping a little each day, make sure to go outside, talk to a friend or someone, make sure you are eating and sleeping enough, etc.
Know this. It is rough out there and a lot of people are struggling. You are not alone. You deserve far better than this man you are dating is treating you. You are only 27 and have a lot of life ahead of you. Start making changes now before you go further down this path and end up married and pregnant from this man.
You can do it.
Sounds like you might be denying some parts of yourself. Talking to a therapist might help you with dissecting the reasons why you did the things you did. Sorry you’re going through this.
Best of luck for healing.