This is a long one, my apologies in advance. My (23f), father (50m), picked me up from the airport two days ago, and let me know that he is moving out of my Stepmother’s, we’ll call her N,(43f) apartment. He is planning on divorcing her because “he isn’t attracted to her, and it is like having a best friend instead of a wife.”
They have been together for about 6 years, and married for 3, and have always seemed extremely happy together. My stepmom is a wonderful human, who is kind, funny, intelligent, driven, and not to mention, absolutely gorgeous. My 3 biological siblings and I absolutely adore her, especially compared to some of the previous girlfriends we’ve been subjected to in the past.(Stripper, woman who is currently in jail for shooting her husband, woman with 3 young children, all 15+ years junior to him, etc.).
Naturally, I was upset upon receiving this news, but not completely shocked.
For context, my father is a serial cheater. I love him, and I think he is generally a good person, but he has a way of rationalizing his cheating as if it’s somehow justified.
It all started around 15 years ago when my father had an affair while married to my biological mom, who stayed at home to take care of their 4 children(me and my younger siblings), because my father had insisted my mother didn’t need a career.
Over a period of about 3 years, my father would leave us periodically to be with this woman, we’ll call her A, only to be dumped once he finally made the move. He’d then return to my mom, beg for forgiveness, and claim that he’d learned his lesson and that him and A were done. My mother, with no career, would take him back, unable to support 4 children on her own. This happened about 3 times until my mother finally had enough and kicked him out for good.
Some fun facts about this affair woman, A. She was also married with children. Oh, and she was sleeping with 4 MARRIED MEN in our church alone. No doubt there was more. This woman had a kink for getting committed men to leave their families, only to dump them once they made the final step. And she did it repeatedly. She collected married men like trophies. She would see multiple men at a time, claiming that each one was her soulmate and that they needed to run away together. It was like she prided herself on wrecking families. I guess she enjoyed the ego boost of being more valuable to men than their children and wives. Women like that make me sick, especially this one, who single handedly ripped my family apart, over and over like it was some fun little game.
Throughout the years after my bio parents divorce, my father had moved to a different city for this woman, and was dumped once again by A. After this, my siblings and I were subjected to his parade of younger women, with the occasional sprinkle of age appropriate girlfriends who we liked.
Throughout all of these 15 years, I doubt my father has been single for a week. Once he was tired of his girlfriend at the time, he would get another shiny new love interest lined up, and seamlessly end things with his current girlfriend. Only to introduce us to the next one weeks (if not days) later.
Finally, he met N, my current stepmom. Granted, there was some cheating over the 6 years on my father’s account (as usual), but N still stayed with him. Eventually, they got married, and I thought perhaps my Dad was finally on the right track.
Recently, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, and supposedly it got him thinking about death and brevity of life. After multiple doctor’s visits, N standing by his side and caring for him, it was determined that the tumor is slow growing and not terminal. Essentially, my dad has many years to live, which we were all relieved to find out. Especially N, who truly loves him so much.
Fast forward to two days ago, when my father told me he was planning to divorce N. I know my father, and I’m quite familiar with his adulterous habits. He can’t stand to be single, so I imagined he had already found some new young woman to throw his life away for, but I didn’t pry because I rarely get to go home and see my family and I wanted it to be a pleasant visit.
However, at dinner, he started flippantly referring to his relationship with N, joking about how the whole family (I’m the only one who knows) is going to be pissed that he’s divorcing N, whom I love dearly. I laid into him and told him that I too was upset, and asked if there was someone else in the picture.
He paused for a moment, thinking about what to say, and said “No, there’s no one else.”
I could smell the bullsh*t from a mile away, knowing his history. I had also noticed that he was constantly messaging someone on his phone all day, so when he picked it up again I snuck a glance at the name of the person he was texting, expecting another young and beautiful bimbo.
To my complete horror, the name I saw was all too familiar. A, with a heart next to it. The name that wrecked my family 15 years ago, forcing 12 year old me to hold my mom as she sobbed for months on end. The name that toyed with people’s lives for fun. The name that forced me and my siblings to spend weekends in a city we hated, dealing with awful excuses for woman that my dad brought around because he couldn’t get A.
I quickly excused myself to the bathroom as I held back tears. I can’t believe my father. After all of the shit he put us through for this woman as young children. After being dumped by her repeatedly after she got what she wanted. He’s still falling for it, and throwing his wonderful wife away for another chance with A.
I don’t want to be anywhere near this woman. And honestly, I don’t want to be anywhere near my dad. I’m furious with him, and I truly have no respect for him now. He has tossed away his second chance of having a happy family, and is leaving N, who has no children and has taken us in as her own.
I will probably message N soon to tell her how much she means to us, and that she truly deserves better. But it breaks my heart that she will no longer be a part of our family.
Anyways, sorry for the long post. I just needed to get this off of my chest since I’m the only one who knows as of now. I’m sure the backlash will be severe once my siblings know, and if my dad thinks we’ll all just willingly accept this homewrecker into our lives then he’s got another thing coming.
Comments
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It might be time to keep N in your life and go low contact with your dad. There is no reason that you can’t continue to include N in your life (as long as she still wants to do that as well, and my guess is she will). Your dad has a lot of issues and they continue to cause real harm to you and your siblings. His behaviour is cruel and selfish. I’m wishing you the best as you navigate this difficult situation.
I would tell N that you want to keep contact with her and you want her in your life.
Your father has a psychological problem, the only person that can help him is himself, but you can set some boundaries, don’t follow him into the path he’s choosing.
We can’t choose our parents, but we can choose those who are family too us. Choose carefully.
Good luck OP!!
I mean realistically, A will probably dump your father again for another man or cheat on him. Or they’ll stay together because they’re both old now and just cheat on each other which means they’ll stop hurting other people.
N doesn’t have to stop being your family. You can still be there for each other and support her through this like you did your mom (if she’s comfortable with that).
And how is your dad a good person? Oh and he single handed broke your family when you were younger.
I get it, it’s easier not to blame your dad but this is all on him.
Your dad and his AP are cheaters with Grade A. Category . This woman is selfish and sick . Your dad is looking for attention, not love, which means sad ending for him . I think you need to tell them how you exactly feel. However, this woman will feel proud of herself because, for her, “I am better than those women I destroyed their marriage.”At this point, you realize they really deserve each other. If you want to cut ties, go ahead . Take care once she finds a new looser ,she will leave him .please don’t pick up any pieces after that. Your step-mom deserves better .I hope your mom finds someone who loves her and is happy now. I have a question: Does your dad own something such as house and company because maybe she is after his money, you don’t know .
Perhaps it’s time to reconsider the notion that your father is “generally a good person.”
Dump your dad and form a new family with N.
What are you thinking!!!! Be loyal to the wonderful person who loves you.
It’s time to cut your dad out of your life. Grieve. Heal. Make a stable family with people who love you and are consistent.
Get therapy because there is zero chance all of this trauma hasn’t affected your nervous system and you deserve support.
Your dad isn’t a good person. He will always put his you know what first.
How can you say your father is a “generally good person” with a straight face? He’s a piece of shit that has hurt and taken advantage of literally everybody that’s ever cared about him without hesitation. He needs cutting off and being treated the way he deserves.
This is more common than people think.
And the story will be the same for him…
But not for you. Make sure you will take care of yourself and go to therapy, keep your exercises…
You know, you can keep N and lose your loser of a father. As soon as A wrecks his life again he’ll come crying back to you.
There is no reason why you can’t have a relationship with N if you and she wants too. The person I would disengage with would be your father. I mean, why do you continue to be around someone who thinks nothing of destroying people’s lives??? You are old enough to make a choice to cut him off but you keep enabling him to act like he isn’t doing anything wrong.
Letting him die alone would be the best thing that ever happened to as it MIGHT, just might make him see what a shitty father and shitty person he really it.
Please be kind and warn N so that she can protect her health and her finances, if not her heart.
It’s bad enough she’s getting cheated on, she needs to know that he’s cheating with a very, very promiscuous woman and she need to divide their accounts and get STD testing asap.
Your father is not a good person. You don’t cheat and treat people poorly and beg and lie to come back and do it again. I’d tell leave we will take stepmom and you can leave us all alone and don’t come crawling back,
Cut off dad, continue to visit N
Keep N and toss dad. He’s going to just keep doing this to you.
Sounds like you should keep N and go no contact with your dad. He clearly only cares about himself, and gives very few craps about how his actions affect others. He’s very narcissistic. I have no doubt you are making excuses for keeping him in your life, just like his past wives did. “Oh but he’s so nice otherwise”. At what point is enough enough, so he can’t keep ripping your family apart and bringing you to tears?
Keep N. Drop Dad.
My friend, there is absolutely no reason N can’t be a part of your family just because your dad is a fool. Absolutely no one can have enough good mother figures in their life. Keep her close, it sounds like she is family to you. I’m so sorry your dad is…gross.
Sounds like your dad isn’t “really a good person”
>I think he is generally a good person
And then proceeds to list all of the ways her father is a piece of shit……. I feel bad for all of the women in your father’s life, including you, he is absolutely not a good person.
Why wont she be part of your family? Dump your dad, tell N you still want to be part of her family because of how wonderful she is. Choose who you want to be family.
Dump your dad and keep your stepmum.
I’m sorry, but this is God’s plan to protect N from your father, because she truly deserves better.
Ask her if she would feel comfortable with you reaching out.
Please consider seeking therapy.
Take care of yourself and your siblings.
Whatever he chooses to do, try to ignore it, he won’t change.
My father was the same, and even after 22 years, he never changed.
N absolutely can still be your family if that’s what you and your siblings want. Keep in touch with her but cut Dad out for good. He’s an AH who deserves to end up miserable and alone.
She can be step mum as long as you and she wants it. Don’t let your dad destroy more of your life. Tell her how much you love her and how you always want her in your life. Sorry your dad is such an AH
Yeah A is a pos human but it was your dad that caused you to have to hold your mother while she sobbed.
It’s your dad that has the inability to put his family before his own wants.
Everything was caused by your father. I don’t understand that, you say you know this about him but you focus your anger and upset on A. Yes she’s scum but it’s your father that brings her into your life. But she won’t be if you drop your dad and keep N
OP, i know this man is your father but he is not a good person. Tell N what you know. Don’t let her live another day thinking things are all poptarts and rainbows. Then, you need your dad and his bad decisions out of your life.
There is a reason why he told you about leaving N. He did it because he knows as shitty as he is, you will always be there (not to be rude, but like your mom.) Please make that a lie.
You just said hes a good person but i read nothing good about him 💀
Drop your father and have 2 mum’s that love you over a man who only thinks of himself.
Your dad is the one who wrecked your family. Then and now.
Ok first off, your father is NOT a good man. He may do good things once in a while, but someone who has been a cheater for DECADES is not a good person
And honestly, you need to cut him out of your life completely. By keeping him in your life you’re telling him you’re ok with his cheating and that you approve of his horrible behaviour
And if I was dating you, I would dump you the second I found out you’re still in contact with someone like him. Because to me that means you’re also a cheater, because why else would you keep someone as horrible as that in your life? I would also wonder if you helped cover for him and would be questioning everything about our relationship
I get it, he’s your father, but keeping someone like that in your life paints you in a very ugly light
It’s time to cut him off, or go extremely low contact
He will never change
A spouse is SUPPOSED to be a best friend!
I am sorry for your trauma but your dad isn’t a good person he consciously trapped your mother with 4 kids and no career so he can abuse her emotionally and financially as long as possible. as for N you can’t feel completely sorry for her since she was a mature old woman when she committed to your father knowing who he was and his baggage. on the bright side she won’t be trapped with a dying man, lung cancer can take full speed and develop aggressively and quickly. your dad and A deserves each other and your mom and N deserve peace away from him and you should focus on your life and disengage from this drama.
God do we have the same father????
I’m so sorry this is happening to both you and N….I really hope things are okay, but man, I was just reading this like….long lost sister? 😅
He’s not a good person so stop saying that
Your father isn’t “generally a good person”.
Keep your relationship with N and dump your dad. Tell him you want nothing to do with him. Men like this keep doing stuff like this because everyone lets him. Draw a hard boundary. You want nothing to do with him if he’s with A. Sounds like N is better off without him anyway. Keep your relationship with her. Family is not just blood and law. Family is who we spend our time with that respects us. I know it’s your dad, but he’s a POS. It’s ok to love him but also admit he’s not a good person. Let him stew, alone, in his own miserable choices.
Dump the dad and keep the stepmom.
Stay in her life! You do not need to lose that bond. She might love that.My ex SD is my daughter to me. When I divorced her dad, I kept our relationship. She means the world to me. Do the same!
Dump your father from your life. Keep N.
Your father isn’t a good man or a good father. A good father doesn’t cheat. Let alone cheat more often than an alley cat. At least they’ve got standards.
You need to cut your father out of your life. He clearly doesn’t respect his children if he’s bragging to you about cheating on yet another woman.
I’d tell him to do what he wants.
But that you and your siblings are keeping step-mom in the divorce. All of you are cutting him off and out of your lives.
He can go <gardentool> around with the <female dog> serial cheater that broke up his first marriage. Maybe they can start a senior swingers club or something. At least then it’s out in the open. ( 🤮🤮🤮)
I don’t wish for anyone to die of cancer, but your old man is very, very close to be the first on that list imho.
Sorry but Your dad isn’t a good person…
He cheated to the point y’all just normalized it.
N deserves to be free from your father and his cheating. She deserves to find a loving, healthy relationship and to be treated with respect. It’s great they divorce actually. You can choose your family members. You do not need to be around your father and his revolving door of spouses and side pieces. Maintain close contact with N, lessen contact with your father. He has problems he doesn’t want to fix and you can’t fix who he has chosen to be.