Hi,
I’m 28F and I’ve been with my boyfriend (27M) for 9 years and 4 months. Nearly a decade together. We’ve been through so much—he’s grown in his career, and I’ve been there through it all, supporting him with love and pride. Especially during his prep years, I stepped into roles I didn’t even expect I’d have to take. I planned our finances, offered emotional support, managed responsibilities that I thought his family would—sometimes I felt like I was doing what his mom or brother should’ve done for him. And I did it wholeheartedly.
But now I feel invisible.
Our relationship is a secret. No one knows about me. Not his friends. Not his family. Even after all these years, I’ve never been acknowledged, let alone introduced. And whenever I bring this up, he brushes it off or changes the subject. When I express how painful it feels, he reduces it to something shallow—he says things like, “Oh, so you just want an Instagram post or a WhatsApp status? That’s what you’re upset about?”
It’s so disheartening. I’ve never asked for grand displays. I just want to be seen—not hidden. Not dismissed.
I’ve invested in his life—emotionally, physically, financially. But he’s never shown real interest in my career or asked what I want to do with my future. It’s like my whole world quietly revolves around him, but mine isn’t even on his radar.
Sometimes I wonder… maybe I gave so much hoping that someday, I’d feel like I truly belong in his life. But it’s been almost 10 years, and I’m still in the shadows. And the worst part? I feel ashamed to ask for acknowledgment. Like I’m being “too much” just for wanting to matter.
Have any of you been in a relationship where you felt like the invisible backbone—where your love was real, but your existence was hidden?
I’m trying to figure out if I’m asking for too much… or just finally seeing things clearly.
Thanks for listening.
Comments
What the actual fuck.
Why do you feel you should be a secret? Why does he feel you should be a secret? Why do you tolerate this? I don’t know what to say except, you deserve so much more than what you’re getting.
That’s not your boyfriend. That’s someone who just uses you for sex and support when they want it.
What are you doing! Why does this relationship needs to be secret? Because he wants to. Never wondered why he wants that? You are being used on a majestical scale, and you don’t want to see it.
Snap out of it goddammit!!! Save your life and get out in the open and mingle with the healthy people of planet earth.
Any given reason? Because there isn’t a single one that I can think of that isn’t a crock of Sh@t. You’re not his girlfriend you’re a secret.
Why has he not introduced you to his friends and family? Have you introduced him to your friends and family? I have so many questions about how/why this has gone on so long. But lets start with those two. This sounds like a friends with benefits relationship, not boyfriend/girlfriend.
This may get downvoted and sound harsh, but it took you nearly ten years to realize this??? My bf introduced me to his family like three months in, and friends before that. Waiting more than like six months to do that would be a big red flag. Are you sure he considers you his girlfriend, and not just someone he can use for sex and financial/emotional support?
Girl, you’re a side piece. My partner and I are lesbians and she introduced me to her borderline homophobic parents within a year of dating.
This ain’t right. You’ve got to be the side piece. There’s no way that this is any kind of acceptable.
Friend, get some therapy. Work with the therapist to really understand and internalize your worth, and DUMP THIS MANCHILD
This is terrible, when someone truly loves you they won’t keep you a secret. It’s unfortunate how he treats you and that no one close to him knows about your existence. Leave him and invest in yourself. You deserve better than this man. Apparently there’s no future in this relationship. Free yourself from additional suffering.
Girl please move on. If he wanted to, he would. 9 years is a long ass time. I met my boyfriend’s family after a month. Everyone’s timeline is different, but years of staying hidden?
My ex kept me in the shadows and used that to cheat on me the whole 3 years. You’re wasting your life girl!
In 2 weeks I marry my absolute best friend who spoils tf out of me and who never has given me an inkling of doubt of his love for me.
The man that you deserve is out there, love!!
Remember, in the 80s, they had home ec courses to teach “life skills” to women. Cooking, sewing, etc. They should have had self-esteem classes. Lost her whole 20s because she didn’t know her value
Are you even his exclusive gf? He must be scared of something or have some other reason to go out of his way this much to keep it a secret. It really takes effort to hide this too. Did you never bump into any of his friends when you were out together? Does he never have friends or family over? How does he deal with interest from other women who assume he is single in case he gets any? For me there is potential for a massive web of lies. What does he gain for maintaining that?
He probably has a whole separate life. Kids, wife. Be careful. Start digging
Sounds like you’re the side piece
You need to deeply invest in learning what loving yourself means. There’s no shame in not knowing, cut yourself loose and focus hard on always putting yourself first. THEN you will attract the relationship you deserve because you wont put up with shit like this from anyone.
OP, leave. Reading your previous posts, he’s physically hurt you in the past. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this for so long, but you still have time to claim your life back. Take it easy
Is he Indian?
You are his side piece
You’re the placeholder for his future wife. 9 years, why would he change?
I’m so tired of this subreddit
Are either of you an ethnic minority? The reason I ask this because I know of situations exactly like this whereby the couple or either person is. My friend had a very similar situation and the boyfriend would always relate it to their family and culture to why they can’t tell anyone and just give vague lame excuses.. I saw it as he didn’t have enough balls to stand up to his family but chose to be selfish and waste her life away making her feel of no value to him.
You need to leave the relationship it will not last any longer he will eventually leave you if you don’t walk away first. How will he explain to his family and friends that you’ve been together so long and not said anything .. ? The answer to this question alone will leave you questioning it for real because it’s extremely strange. I also challenge you to think about what future and happy life would you have knowing that he has not and will not going forward stand up for your relationship. Is a future of being emotionally a wreck and never feeling like an enough worth sacrificing for another human being? NO. Sitting in a relationship only builds resentment and you will have to answer to yourself. He’s shown his cards and you choosing to stay any longer will only become your problem and not his because he clearly is very comfortable as you are
Ummmmm that dude has a whole ass secret life that you know nothing about. And if he doesn’t then this is just an insane amount of lack of self respect and you need to set yourself free. What the actual fuck.
It’s been 10 years and he’s accusing you of just wanting an instagram post? Are you fucking kidding me? He is gaslighting you into oblivion and you’re just over here like “I just don’t wanna be too much”… you’ve NEVER been too much. You’ve been MUCH too little.
If this is real, please get out of there. At the VERY LEAST people in your lives should know you’re in a relationship. Especially one for ten fucking years.
I’m younger than you, but even I know that you’re really young. 10 years with somebody must feel like a long time, but really you are at a great point in your life to give up on this guy and start over. Is there really no reason he’s given you as to why you’re a secret? He obviously doesn’t love you, or just doesn’t love you enough. You’ve supported him and been there when he needs it, and that’s probably the only reason he keeps you around. He doesn’t support you, he doesn’t value you. There’s someone else who will love you so much and be proud of you, and help and support you the way you help and support others, and you will actually share a life with someone as equals, but you’ll never find that person as long as you keep letting him leech off of you and make you feel like you’re not good enough
Do you live with this guy? If not have you ever been to his home or does he only come to yours?
Sounds very much like he’s hiding you from someone
You’re not his girlfriend.
Okay, we listened but will you listen to us?? Nine years is a long time to be this degree of unfulfilled. You don’t have to live like this OP. You don’t have to accept the crumbs from his table. You can walk away and be a better person to yourself.
I leave you with this thought. If you don’t love you (which you can’t if this is the life you are choosing) then why should he?