I’m kinda in shock right now and I need to get this off my chest and maybe get outside input. My friend (let’s call her Emma) said I SA’d her. We were spending the night at her place and I had taken edibles and she decided to have alcohol. During the nighttime once they both kicked in we were bored so decided to do some “stuff” together (nothing crazy, just basic stuff you might see in a romcom during a bedroom scene of a college party). I could tell part way through she was intoxicated but she kept going and when I stepped back and hinted towards stopping she continued doing things and so I asked her if she wanted to keep going and she said yes. She was very very persistent. I eventually laid down next to her and stopped the interaction before we did much else because I was getting uncomfortable and didn’t feel okay going through now that she was visibly acting drunk.
After this everything went well. We even did more stuff together at a second night over, but that time we were both completely sober. During our most recent incident of nighttime get togethers we didn’t do anything sexual but she did tell me she loved me and that after the first night she had developed a huge infatuation with me- then 20 minutes later she was throwing up and I was having paranoia from greening out. Now, around two weeks later, she texted me saying I SA’d her. She said she would forgive me but that it was difficult to forgive someone that didn’t notice she was having near panic attacks every time I was around her. She also said during the sleepover where we both greened out that I was SA’ing her by “rubbing against her knee” and stuff. I explained that I was having physical discomfort and that I was actually stimming (I have autism) to try to calm my nerves and that I didn’t think I was even touching her, I was on the edge of the bed rocking my knee back and forth and bouncing my other leg off the side of the bed.
This confused me because we had been getting along very well, even doing things like her following me around, trying to get me to spend more time with her on a spot in a nice walking trail, etc… I don’t understand.
I 100% understand why she feels this way and that I might have been in the wrong but I don’t know what to think about this situation. Am I a rapist? Am I?
I feel disgusted that I made someone feel that way. I don’t know if it was SA, if I’m misunderstanding things, or if I’m genuinely being arrogant subconsciously.
UPDATE: I texted with her and here is the conversation-
ME
I don’t really know what to say
HER
That’s okay I understand but are you aware of the impact you’ve left on me?
All I ask for is an apology I’m not looking for a fight
ME
(Voice message explaining I was stimming and convulsing in the bed, not that I was grinding on her)
HER
Okay that’s a fair point but what about when I was drunk?
ME
I mean I was high but I don’t really know what to say aside from I didn’t think you were that out of it, I’m really sorry I didn’t know
HER
You said you didn’t feel anything when I was drunk
You said you barely felt high
ME
ME
I definitely did but I knew I wasn’t as intoxicated as you were
I was still okay to do things like walk and talk properly
I’m so so sorry I made you feel like that, I was assaulted when I was eight and I never ever want to make anyone feel like that
HER
do you own up to your mistakes
ME
I try
I’m sorry (name)
Her
its hard to accept an apology from someone who didnt even realize i was trying to distance myself from you to not have an anxiety attack eveytime i texted you or saw you but i will try
and i know that with some poeple the things they do reflect how they feel or what they went through or are going through, but if its that bad then you should consider talking to someone about it its up to you im not forcing you im sorry
i dont want you to be upset over all this im sorry
ME
There’s a reason I stopped it half way through before either of us finished. It was fine at first but you got way too out of it and that’s exactly when I stopped it and I laid down. You were still boozy and excited and you continued to try and keep going until I got you to lay down and gave you water. If I was trying to rape you i wouldn’t have done that. l was just at the hospital and spoke to several professionals and all have confirmed that it wasn’t assault. I’m really sorry it felt that way to you and that wasn’t my intention, but that’s not what happened. Even when we were high the fact that you thought I was masturbating and rubbing against you and only stopped after I “came* is so disheartening that you’d think I’m even CAPABLE of doing something like that to someone, ESPECIALLY when I know they were greening out. I was convulsing and stimming, I was thinking about the fact i might have been laced with something, not that I wanted to sleep with you.
HER
why were u at the hospital?
everything you said is valid but like sorry for thinking i got sexually assualted
and yeah i will admit that i did keep going when i was drunk, but thats because i was drunk i didnt know when to stop and i WAS drunk
and you still decided to try something new with me we are both in the wrong
Comments
Honestly no you’re not a rapist and did not SA her I think it’s best to stay away from this person they seem very unstable and can spread this false allegations to people.
damn man that’s heavy… but from what u said, it sound like u were tryin to be careful n respectful, stopped when u felt it was off… don’t sound like bad intent, but def talk to someone u trust or even a therapist to sort thru it all fr
Definitely not a rapist. You guys were under the influence people do weird stuff but at least you constantly asked her if what you guys were doing was okay. Maybe she regretted it once sober or something. It would be weird to be still hang out if it was sa. Her feelings towards you are confusing. Maybe she wants more who knows. Personally distance yourself from her and the friendship for a bit, have a conversation before about how you both fell about the situation and understand each other before putting the distance. It’s not okay to to say that to someone then still try to be their friend afterwards.
No, tell her to get over herself, if this story is even real, which i doubt. But if it is and you’re not intentionally withholding information, then she’s a huge problem, get away from her.
I think you are a teenage girl from your post history?
Your friend may be struggling with LGBTQ identity and if she can blame you, it is no longer her fault. Her panic attacks are probably about this too.
As everyone else is saying, you need to stay far away from her now. She could get you in lots of trouble.
Do you have a trusted adult you can talk to?
Also, can you chill on the drugs and alcohol for a while? Teens and that are not a good mix. Especially don’t do it around untrustworthy people like her.
She may go nuclear if you ghost her or anything. So maybe a calm text, “I’m sorry you are having panic attacks. Maybe we need a break from each other.” Do not text anything she can use against you. But stay away from her!
I’d start telling everyone she sexually assaulted me. You weren’t sober. She took advantage of you. Start contacting her family and warning them that she’s a rapist.
Lol she’s full of shit. Sorry to say but she enjoyed it just as much as you did and is playing mind games now.
No you’re not a rapist at all! If she’s experienced a lot of trauma prior- I’m assuming this is what is meant when you say she has “many many problems”; then it’s likely she has been happy/ felt safe with you. But due to her past experiences it has warped the situation in her mind to view it as opposite to reality.
Additionally, there’s also the possibility that she is attempting to make you feel indebted to her (whether consciously or subconsciously), so agree with the other commenters. For both your sakes, stay away from her.
Never speak to this fraud again. You WILL be charged eventually. Women these days are emboldened to claim rape, assault, etc. haphazardly. Any woman willing to do this will ruin your life. This is a massive warning sign telling you to GTFO ASAP. Good luck OP!
This generation calls almost anything SA or rape and its quite a slap in the face for real victims and the innocent people they accuse.
Be very careful how you handle this rejection. My oldest was not so nice and ended up getting suspended from his college for a year because the girl, who wanted more, reported a similar incident as SA when he stopped hanging around her.
Hey. If someone is intoxicated, they cannot in their right mind consent. Bottom line, you f*cked up. Apologize and give her space. Do NOT hang out in her bedroom anymore and only talk about what you can do to right this wrong. If this means she doesn’t want you around anymore then that’s that. But please don’t try to give excuses, that’s super messed up and really immature. All of us should be able to accept consequences for our behavior. It is human to error. Some things we can correct and some things we CANNOT but denial of this is the road to hell on earth.
Regret is not the same as SA, you’re good.
Please stay away from this woman!!!!
Well I can start by saying she isn’t your friend. And that feeling you were getting of being uncomfortable – you were picking up on her true intentions in the future. It almost sounds like she knew full well what she was doing, like it was almost planned somewhat, consciously or unconsciously. The fact she did it again a second night just shows.
Protect yourself now. Do not communicate with her anymore especially over text messages, keep a copy of everything. Do not engage or talk over text about anything you guys did and if you already have, then she already has the rope to hang you with. I think a lot of people are fully aware of this – people who talk about details of encounters in further messages end up giving them what they need to provide ‘proof’ of a SA in the eyes of the courts.
If you ever talk to her in person or over the phone, try and record that. Any time your around her now you have to look at it through the lens “what if this interaction went to court?”, which means having a record of everything.
You sound like a nice person, and I think she knows that, but its also part of the reason she is going after you – you’re too nice, will say something stupid or outright admit things you didnt do, and it will help craft her image as a “victim”, in fact a lot of people mold their entire identities around being a “victim”.
Protect yourself at all times is rule number 1, in any situation.
Stop getting intoxicated with this person. Stop being alone with this person. Stop touching this person. Probably cut way back on contacting this person. Nothing good can come of this.
Stop hanging out with this woman, and if you won’t do that, at least stop getting intoxicated with her. You are not a rapist, but it sure sounds like she’ll paint you as one of she perceives it that way, whether or not anything actually happened
Don’t talk to her or see her in person or be alone with her
You need to immediately cut contact with her; she’s dangerous. Seriously
Sounds like she’s trying to get you to admit it verbally or in “writing” watch that. Just be careful.
I think the best thing you can do is stay away from someone like this who can willingly and knowingly make up shit to ruin your life. Imagine she didn’t tell you, imagine she told her friends? Her mom? If she has siblings, she told them? If her logical is that she was drunk and you being high, then you both did shit to each other and both are guilty.