My dad has told me multiple times to shut up throughout my life like for example I was about to ask a question and my dad said shut up.
My mom saw something on her phone and she said “ that’s horrible” I was about to ask a question and my dad said “shut up” as he was walking over
Another time I was a child crying over something in the car for a while and he said “shut up” (I kind of deserved that)
Fast forward to now and I was playing a game and I was on a timed level and a movie was playing on in the background and he was joking about me not watching the movie (even though I wasn’t interested). I felt overstimulated and I said “ shut up”. Then both at my parents got on me for that but then I said “but you said shut up to me multiple times in my life even when I was trying to ask a question”
They responded with “I’m the adult your the child” (even though I’m in my 20s and this is the first time I said shut up to them)
So I just went to my room for the night
Comments
Yes.
No. It’s hypocrisy. They never should’ve said it. And since they said it, they lose the moral ground.
My four year old will tell me everything he heard from me and his dad. And guess what, we gotta watch our mouth.
I’m sorry OP, your parents should’ve done better.
Nope.
Parenting is hard, and that’s far from the worst parenting fail there is, so I’m not particularly blaming your parents for this. I can understand. But it’s definitely a fail on their part.
God damn parents suck. Especially as you’re an ADULT!? My god– they’re communicating to you in a way that doesn’t ask you to respect them
Thats super common in the 1990s idk about today
Yes
My son is 20 years old, and I can count the number of times I’ve told him to shut up while being serious on one hand. And those times have been when he was not listening to all of the previous times I’d tried to get him to be quiet, usually when he was going to say something that would hurt someone’s feelings or be somehow insensitive.
Asking questions? Heck no, I never told him to shut up. I encouraged him to ask questions, even when they were difficult conversations or awkward topics. You can explain nearly anything to a child at a level that’s appropriate for them, maybe not with all the details, but still satisfies their curiosity.
My philosophy was that he went to school, so he was going to learn about some of these topics one way or another. I’d much rather he learn about them from me when he asked rather than his classmates.
What hypocrites! I’ve never told my kids to shut up except in jest, and I make sure they know I’m kidding.
Your parents suck, OP. You can tell them I said so. Also tell them I said to shut the eff up. Remember your parents EARN how you treat them. If they’re not gonna respect you, I see no reason you need to respect them.
Common and fair are two different things.
Probably not the best choice of words. But sometimes kids need to be told to be quiet and explained to, how some things are grown up business and how kids should mind their own
Just as you could have said, sorry Dad I can’t pay attention I’m kinda busy here
All explained with reason and talking
Your parents are def more blunt and rude
It should be mutual respect, and you can always be the better person
Ig it’s learned behavior and they could have raised you better
Luckily if you don’t like it now you can move out, and if they don’t like your attitude they can tell you to leave (you being an adult now an all)
It’s normalised but it’s not okay.
Next time they tell you to shut up, say “you shut up”
No, it’s not normal. It’s disrespectful and stunting to you, and it reveals something (probably) of how your father was raised. Children learn by asking questions, and as parents the onus is on us to give the gift of dialogue. I know this has probably been normalized to you, but it’s not how most people treat eachother. Older person tip- if the things your parents (or other people) say to you make you feel shitty, that is almost never normal.
I think it’s “normal” in the sense that it unfortunately happens pretty often, but it’s not right at all
Are managers saying “shut up” to their workers, but the workers not being allowed to say it back, normal?
It is. It’s probably not right, but it happens, and depending on the situation, it’s probably warranted.
I’ve been the worker, I’ve been the manager.
I’ve been the worker arguing with a customer, only to be told to shut up by the manager.
I’ve been the manager telling a worker to shut up, because they’re pissing off the police officer who is trying to do their job and complete a break-in report.
Authority is a thing. People are not always equal, and if you’re speaking out of turn, and or out of ignorance, sometimes you need to be told to shut up by the person with experience and knowledge, and no, you don’t get to say it back.
Now.. if it’s a case of being told to shut up because the manager doesn’t like the fact that you actually do know better about something, that’s different, and I’ve seen that happen too.
So how does this apply to parents and children? Again, it depends on the situation, so I can’t speak for every scenario, but for me, I grew up learning that parents are more than the adult, they’re also the providers, the ones responsible, the ones who make sure the home runs smoothly.
They are the ones with life experience, and knowledge of how the world works.
I was the child, the one who didn’t know very much, the one who didn’t keep the lights on or the fridge filled.
Parents and children are not equal. They’re not supposed to be. One has authority, the other doesn’t—now, as long as that authority isn’t abused, then it’s working as it should, but I get that parents can be toxic too, but life isn’t perfect, and neither are people, so there is no single monolithic way to answer the actual question.
Parents are supposed to set the example, but parents are also human, and humans can get impatient and be imperfect, but that’s okay, because parents are supposed to prepare children for the real world, and in the real world, you likely will have some managers and many customers, who are complete assholes, and to keep your job, you need to shut up and not say it back—where do you learn that from?
The parents.
I would say you shouldn’t of said that to them. But I also think no one should say that to others. Especially to a child. I would never tell my kid “shut up” and definetely NEVER when they’re crying. Like wth? That so rude and terrible. So your parents are wrong for it too. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
It’s shitty behaviour at best. I hate when people do it in any setting.
No, sorry you’ve got shitty parents.
I never told my son to shut up. I had it said to me too many times growing up
It’s a respect thing I don’t think of myself and my elders as being equals. I don’t swear or tell my parents shutup. They pay for and make sacrifices for me even though I’m an adult. But, I had great parents and they were never abusive or mean like that 🤷🏿♀️🤷🏾♀️
Just bad/lazy parenting. Most times it’s either cultural or generational and damn hard to break the cycle.
Words are important to children. It’s hard to go almost your whole life talking to adults and having to swap your entire common speech into something children appropriate.
Back pre-90s it was basically common practice of “do what I say, not what I do” that was quickly enforced with belts, backhands, paddles, and switches. Now the parents raised by that are having kids and either chosing to rise above it for a greater bond with their kids, or falling back into what they know.
It sounds more like yours are in the “That’s the way I was raised and I turned out fine” kind of thinking. Sass from a child no matter how old will not be tolerated and the younger the child is the more aggressive the parent will be about it.
Meanwhile most modern parents address the problem and not just punish the symptom. In this case a simple choice of word from the offensive “shut up” to any number of equivalent phrases, and taking the moment to understand why their child “lashed out” and working through or solving the overstimulation.
However, if this is the peak of parenting woes among your family you’re not that deep into a bad place and have a great chance at maintaining a positive relationship with them after leaving the nest IF they ever manage to understand that you’re an adult. Some never do either by culture or mental illness.
It’s common, but unfair. My parents used to do the same thing to me. It is unfair for them to expect respect from you without showing you respect as well.
It’s called verbal abuse; since they have the power they can do it to you, but of course you can’t verbally abuse them.
No. It’s not normal or okay. I have an autistic teen who recently learned to cuss, and we have talked about where it can be appropriate or inappropriate. But he knows we do not tell people to shut up or be quiet. If you want someone to stop talking there are many polite ways to ask, demanding someone be silent is incredibly disrespectful. I would rather hear him say fuck than shut up, and so I model good behavior and don’t say it myself. Rules for thee and not for me do not work.
At a young age, it makes some sense. Kids cause chaos, kids have no idea what’s going on and an adult who does needs to control them. But it doesn’t make sense after a certain point, certainly not in your 20s. They learn to treat you like a person whose opinions are now well informed, possibly better informed and need to be accounted for just like their own.
A parents job is to teach a child how to follow the social norms including when and where a person should be quiet and listen. They have authority in this. It’s also their job to teach their children how to navigate a social heirarchy where certain people have authority over others. Given children don’t have the same life experience, we assume that the adults in the room know more about social norms than them.
They’re using negative language to do it, so I’m not going to congratulate them for saying “shut up”. There are plenty of crappy adults out there that can’t even get along with other adults, but the double standard of “I define social norms and you don’t have the life experience define social norms” is… pretty standard.
Edit: you’re an adult, but the hegemonic relationship is hard to change. I think it’s why so many parents flip their shit when their kids get married.
Yes. I tell my kids to shut up all the time. They may say it jokingly to me, but not angrily or with attitude.
I’m not big on censoring what kids say, if I use it towards you you’re allowed to use it towards me. Of course, within reason.
I’ve definitely given out “shut ups” but the majority of cases it is when the kid continues to try to argue back a point they’ve just acknowledged they fucked up on, like stop cycling repeating the same thing, there is no new answer to what you’re asking/describing so stop and figure out a different question. Or when a kid is verbally harassing a sibling and if they don’t stop immediately some real damage can occur to their relationship or to the other person.
As an adult I don’t think I’ve ever given a non jokey shut up to another adult. But I’ve also been lucky in not having to deal with an adult that needles as much as children do. Wait, that’s a lie, I’ve definitely been an adult and told my mother to shut up, but she had such a non reaction, knowing that it was overwhelm and “warranted” that I couldn’t even remember til now.
I’m not trapped to listening to another adult as I am to children I have responsibility for which definitely changes the interaction possibilities.
People are hypocrites, and by god its annoying. We’re gonna fuck up at all ages, so when we realize we have ,or have been told we have, we need to take some time to grapple with what that means and apologize.
Your parents are dicks and I’m sorry.
This is not hard to understand.
You and your parents are not equals, and we all understand that in hierarchical structures, the same rules do not apply to everybody.
In school, you couldn’t tell your teacher to shut up without getting in trouble. At work, you can’t tell your boss to shut up without getting consequences.
Why do you think that changes when it comes to your parents? That was the first hierarchy you learned about.
I always understood that my parents and I were not equals, at least not inside the structure of the home, and even as an adult I had to abide by their rules or I had to move out.
So when I decided I was an adult and no longer wanted to live by their rules, I moved out.
But if something major happened and I was forced to move back home, I would do so with the understanding that they are the parents and I am the child, so I have to abide by their rules. It doesn’t matter that I’m 41 and they’re 70. That’s how hierarchy works.
Normal as in common probably
Normal as in good parenting? No
Parents need to model behaviors they want to see. Parents who tell their adult children that they’re allowed to do something but you can’t because you’re younger is them just choosing to not respect you as an adult.
In my house growing up, “shut up” was not something we were allowed to say, and my parents did not say that to us.
Of course, my sister and I said it to each other, which was promptly followed by us tattling. 😆
That’s not unheard of and also shitty parenting imho. Being practical, I’d avoid saying it to them again if you can. But for what it’s worth, parents are supposed to model how they think you should treat people. So telling you to shut up is them showing you it’s ok to tell people to shut up🤷
It’s normal. It’s not right or fair, but it’s normal. Or I guess “common” is a better word.
“Because I said so/because I’m the adult and you have to respect me” has been parents’ answer to hypocrisy accusations since the dawn of time and just because you’re not a child anymore doesn’t mean you won’t always be THEIR child, if that makes sense.
The newest generation of parents seem to be trying to change this trend but it’ll take a very long time, if at all, for all of society to stop treating parents as infallible, inherently superior dictators over their children.
watch Matilda, you’ll understand the dynamic better
I haven’t ever said shut up to my kids, and I hope I don’t do that when they’re teens either. I am very aware of what troubles the teen years can bring and I’m going to try my best to be understanding of attitudes, rudeness etc…I’m also not the type to get worked up over something a kid said to me.
I have the feeling a lot of people find this normal, but I really don’t. My parents never did that, or at least I can’t remember, and I really don’t want to do that to my kids.
I always try to listen to my kid and if for some reason I can’t I try to explain why. Or I ask her to wait for a moment if I’m busy.
I really want my kid to feel treated normal. I mean, why not.
I think your parents aren’t your peers so telling them shut up in that circumstance was unwarranted.
However. Just because they are the adult it doesn’t mean they can tell you to shut up seemingly for no reason. It hurtful, unnecessary and just plain rude.
As you’re a bit older you could probably reason with them, come back around and apologise but then also tell them that you didn’t think you should’ve said shut up to them, you also don’t think that being the adult is a good enough reason to tell their child to shut up. And whether or not they agree, it’s stuck with you and has affected you.
Good luck
Common? Yes. Normal? Eh, unfortunately bad parenting still seems like a pretty normal thing to most people. You didn’t do anything wrong.
OP may have bad parents, even though I have no idea.
What is more important is that a person in their 20s felt the need to publish this on reddit, and thinks it’s a real problem.
Let me address something first. You do not deserve to be spoken to in this way. You were crying in the car as a child? Guess what, you were a child. There are many different ways to talk to you in that moment, and telling you to shut up is not helpful or appropriate.
You’re an adult now, and until your dad learns that you won’t tolerate it, it’ll keep happening. I’d also recommend getting out of that house. Nobody deserves to be verbally abused.
Sorry. Your parents aren’t the best. That’s a lot of us. My best advice is to let them teach you how you don’t want to be.
So I actually had an experience with this as a parent. I occasionally told my four year-old to knock it off when he was being a stinker and didn’t think much of it. Until he said it back one day and it felt so rude and aggressive! It made me realize that that wasn’t a kind thing to say to him either. So I apologized we had a conversation about it. And now every time I accidentally say knock it off, he immediately responds with “mom. That’s not a kind way to say that.”
I’m sorry your parents didn’t have that reaction.
If you’re financially independent, say whatever the fuck you want
Sadly is normal, but it isn’t fair, and is harmful for the relationship (it’s stupid imo). Parents now tend to see kids (or minor than them) as they’re not complete humans worthy of respect. They see them as an extension of them that can be mistreated. Respectful/positive view on childhood is trying to correct this, but it’s hard as people have adopted it as a norm.
Time to move out if you don’t want to deal with that anymore. No appeals to fairness are going to change their behavior.
It’s not necessarily normal for parents to tell their kids to “shut up”, but it is definitely not normal for a kid to be allowed to say that to their parent. Sounds like you live with your parents even though you’re an adult. You’re lucky they don’t kick you out with your attitude.
Your logic is sound.
I never said it to my children and did not permit them to say it to each other.
>They responded with “I’m the adult your the child” (even though I’m in my 20s and this is the first time I said shut up to them)
>So I just went to my room for the night
Sounds like you still live in their house so yeah, you kinda are a child who has to follow their rules. Move out and you can tell them to go fuck themselves.
stg
I don’t think so. Normalize treating people how you’d like to be treated. Even though they’re a parent, they can still talk to you kindly.
No your parents are on a power trip
Your parents sound like assholes .
I’ve never been told to “shut up” and would never say that to my kids
This was common for me. To the point it left a bit of trauma. Now as a parent that’s a phrase we don’t allow or use in our home.
Common, but not fair. ln my opinion it’s an A-hole move from the parents. Besides not being fair in the sense of power balance, the words “shut up” aren’t even a polite way to express that you want or need silence.
Was normal, but not anymore
If I told my parents to shut up, or tried to give them any sort of order like that, the result would be me getting hit.
My prick of an uncle was like this with his adopted kids. He could say whatever he wanted and be a total asshole to them, but if he heard that they said ‘shut up’, even when he wasn’t around, he would lose it.
Its bad parenting to tell a child to shut up.
It’s unfortunately incredibly common, but no less hypocritical.
For me it happened more extremely, unfortunately.
My mother yelled the absolutely vilest shit at child me that went just beyond an insult.
Things I’m not worthy of an actual human, but just a piece of shit that deserved nothing, with some insults thrown in, etc.
I knew to absolutely avoid doing that, but in many cases I had meltdowns and retaliated with insults that weren’t even half as bad, most commonly just saying that I hated her.
… She quotes me saying that until today as the unspeakable crime it was and has NO self-awareness or regret.
Parents unfortunately oftentimes abuse their authority
There’s been a lot of frustration on both sides, especially with the “shut up” comments over the years. While adults may feel entitled to say things like that to kids, it’s important for respect to go both ways, even if the roles of parent and child are in play. You’re an adult now, and it’s understandable you’d want to express yourself. The dynamic can be tricky, but it’s about setting boundaries and communicating openly, even if it means having a difficult conversation.
If your life challenge is having your parents tell you to shut up you’re doing good.
“shut up” is my signal that the situation has gotten out of control and I am asserting parental authority to override any discussions(arguments) in progress and restore order. And I view it as imperative this happen immediately to the point I am willing to be impolite.
So no my kids may not tell me to shut up because they have no authority to assert.
It is not something I do regularly but the concept of I may immediately end a situation with “shut up” where they may not is within the norms.
parents really shouldn’t say things to their kids that they don’t want their kids to say back. They should be providing a model of behavior for their kids because their kids will internalize how they handle situations and subconsciously feel that’s a normal way to react.
But in the real world kids do a lot of really obnoxious things and their parents get frustrated and lose their temper and less than model behaviors come out. It’s not right but it happens pretty frequently.
In the situation you’re describing it sounds like your parents thought you should be watching a movie together but you didn’t want to watch it and were playing a game on your phone or something. Your dad made a comment basically telling you to stop playing your game while the movie was on and you told him to shut up. That’s a really aggressive and disrespectful thing to say given the context so I’m not surprised they got angry about that.
But the larger issue here is that your parents wanted you to watch a movie and you wanted to play your game so their was a mismatch of expectations here. You said you’re in your 20s so if you don’t want to watch a movie you should be able to say that and go do something else. Being in the room while they are watching a movie and you’re playing a game is the worst of both worlds.
But again, it’s really rude to tell anyone to shut up so no one should be doing it regardless.
I learned really fast that as a parent you have to treat your kids with the respect you ask of them or you are an asshole. I am a big believer in making sure my son does things to clean up after himself (putting away dishes, picking up toys, cleaning the pee off the floor when he misses the toilet). But at one point he said “you never say please when you tell me what to do” and I realized it was only fair. I still tell him to do all those things and expect that it is done but I always say please now. It costs me nothing to be behaviorally consistent with him.
I don’t think a parent has any more reason to say “shut up” to a kid than they do others in their lives. I do tell people to shut up on occasion when it’s a really big deal. But I try not to lean on it with my kid more than any other individual whom I respect who occasionally needs to shut up. Equally, I don’t treat it the same if he snaps and says something regrettable (for instance, swearing) as I would if he does it casually, or with intent to be unkind. So we both have some leeway.
Conversely, I think parents who don’t treat their kids with this kind of respect are asking for problems as the kid grows older and realizes they aren’t being respected.
I don’t think randomly telling your kid to shut up out of the blue, for no reason is normal or common (not even in the 90s, when I grew up). It’s just cruelty with no point. Just trying to keep you in your place, I guess. If you’re an adult now, you can say whatever you want. Just like your dad. But also like your dad, you aren’t free from the consequences that come from your words/actions. It’s pretty clear that your dad’s actions have hurt you, so maybe don’t stoop to his level. Well, I mean, don’t stoop to his level with other people or your own kids. When it comes to him, I say stoop away.
As an 80’s kid my mom’s trigger was “shut up”, you couldn’t even jokingly say it. As an adult I swear all the time and don’t really care if my kids swear also long as they accept that there’s a time and place. If they swear at school, they face the consequences, that’s on them.
> They responded with “I’m the adult your the child” (even though I’m in my 20s and this is the first time I said shut up to them)
Isn’t this the dad/principle’s line from Madeline?
Your dad sounds particularly awful. Can you move out?
I never thought about it, but my parents I don’t think ever told me to shut up. I certainly never said it to them, at least not until I was an angsty teen. Except maybe in a fun way.
My daughter is almost 4 and I am very very careful about what I say around her. I don’t really care about swearing, but things like that, that are aggressive or dismissive, I do everything in my power to not do. She tells us to shut up pretty regularly and we scold her for it immediately and tell her that’s not nice. We don’t say it to her or each other (except maybe, again, in the fun way, which I need to watch out more for).
But OP yes it is insanely hypocritical, but a lot of people either don’t see it or don’t think it matters because “I’m the parent so whatever I say is right”. When I have to put my foot down I explain why in the hopes that she gets it as she gets a little older. I don’t tell her to do or not do something for no reason.
Normal is different for everyone, right?
It’s not normal in any part of my family to just say shut up to anyone else, child or adult.
Parents especially the ghetto ones around here cuss at their kids all the time. The kids cuss right back at them but the kids are only like 5 years old
I was raised on hypocrisy lol. My mom had a cigarette in her mouth when she told me that she’d kick my ass if she caught me smoking. My dad has his earrings in when he told me men don’t pierce their ears. My parent’s favorite line when I’d use inappropriate language was to “ohh watch ya F*ckin mouth!” So common yeah ,unfortunately, but doesn’t make it right.
While you live with them, your age is irrelevant. Social status and who defers to and owes more politeness to whom when living together is determined mostly by two factors 1) familial relationship. In general those from a younger generation are expected to defer to those from a prior generation if they are related and 2) share of providing for the common household. For this one practically nothing by itself or in combination will outweigh providing the house itself.
Simply put, in their house, you are not equals.
The double standard of “I can be rude to you, but you can’t to me” is hypocrisy and unhealthy, but common.
However, that’s not the only thing at play here. Would you tell your parent “Do the dishes”?
Growing up, the words “shut up”, “stupid” and “liar” were considered bad words. Bad enough to get your mouth washed out with soap. I don’t even say “shut up” to our dogs, it’s so engrained in me. However, once I turned 18 I felt free to say my favorite bad word, “shit”. Now I also say “liar” but only in the context of “liar, liar, pants on fire.” And I rarely say “stupid” as my vocabulary has grown with me over the years.
I was taught never ever to tell someone to ‘shut up’; that it was very rude. Parents never told me to either.
It’s also call respect.
it’s unfortunately normalized, but it’s not at all okay. same with things like parents using “because i said so” as a reason. i’m sorry you have to deal with this, the effect that that kind of treatment from parents can have on your mental health is really understated.
You’re an adult. Move out of their house.
Oooh… my friend, this smells like some deep-rooted family stuff and an underused therapy subscription …
Jokes aside, you didn’t do anything wrong. But situations like this deserve a calm conversation. Try bringing it up when things are cool …no blame, just explain how it makes you feel when you’re shut down like that.
I think there’s sometimes a call for adults telling kids to shut up. Sometimes kids overshare to strangers or refuse to be quiet when the situation calls for it. Sometimes you need a harsh reprimand if saying something like “you need to be quiet now” doesn’t work. “Shut up” can also be said jokingly if your tone and the timing is right.
That said, if what you’re saying is accurate it sounds like your parents don’t really value what you have to say. Alot of boomer or gen x parents were taught that “adults are always right” and automatically deserve respect, so they act like what they have to say is more important.
In general don’t say “shut up” to your parents, it’s disrespectful and you also shouldn’t tolerate them saying it to you. It also depends on your living situation, if you’re in your 20s and living at home (not going to school), you might not be in a position to really demand anything from your parents so take that into consideration.
Rules for thee but not for me is the most common power move in the world. Bunch of assholes who want to rule with an iron fist, but not be ruled themselves.
I was raised by someone like this; it’s unfair and hypocritical. You do not deserve any sort of degredation or mistreatment from your parents.
100%
i wasnt not allowed to be “disrepectful” but was expected to take it full force
they wanted to talk shit cause i fucked up i had to hear and if i had “the balls” to speak up i was in twice the trouble
i was quite the mouthy teen and a certain point stopped caring and would go full blown everytime….good ol times
Yes, and here’s why:
As a kid, you really don’t know when it is (or is not) appropriate to talk. Sometimes, you are talking too much or asking questions about a touchy topic which is rude, or even just interrupting people is rude, and as a kid you might not realize this is what you are doing. So your parents have to sometimes tell you when to keep your yap shut, otherwise you grow up into a self-absorbed asshole.
Maybe just saying “shut up” isn’t the best way to do this (although it is effective at getting silence quickly when you need silence) – and also maybe your parents are just bad role models – but it is not only fair, but necessary, that the rules adults impose on kids are not the same rules that the adults have to hold themselves to.
Tell them I’m the adult and you’re the senior
Mhm
It is common. My parents were like this. I think it’s a terrible approach, so I’m trying to do better with my own kids.
Parents aren’t perfect. Try not to be bitter. Instead, learn from their mistakes and try to do better.
Saying “shut up” is a clear admission of incompetence. Once you realise that, as a child, you can start your powerplay.
Family mute button gets stuck sometimes, huh?