I (24f) have started dating my boyfriend (27m) around 4 months ago. We love each other very deeply and intensely. Since the day we met we have not spent one day (or night) apart. We both moved to this city recently and found in each other so much support. But point is, this 4 month relationship therefore feels like years.
So, we have ‘serious’ issues. Since we basically live together.
We have very different views on how to “do life”.
My boyfriend’s perspective: being an adult means doing whatever you want. That is, eat whenever you want, sleep whenever you want, clean whenever you want (never), prioritise having fun at all times (through substance abuse), etc.
My perspective: being an adult is being mature and responsible. Clean regularly, have all meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner) at “normal” hours, be conscious generally (not drink etc in working days), don’t sleep until too late, etc.
This creates issues because:
- I am unhappy in the present. I am the only one that cleans the house and I can’t clean everything (I have a job with more hours than him, more office days and and more travel time) and I am chronically ill, so my energy is low. He is healthy and has so much free time, but simply says he doesn’t care about mess or dirt. I’m the only one that cleans and I have to tidy after him too (putting socks on the bin, toilet paper roll in the trash, etc are every day tasks on repeat)
- I think about the future, about raising a family, and I can’t do it like this. I can’t raise kids without teaching them discipline and structure, and he doesn’t want that (family meals, calendars, schedules, chores, etc). He also sometimes says he feels suffocated about me talking about this so early on, but I prefer to talk sooner to later, when it’s too late to back away. Family is my dream.
Often we talk about it calmly and he agrees with me, says I’m not wrong, and will even help with whatever task I ask him to do (simple things like vacuum or laundry). He also cooks often so don’t get me wrong, it’s not a total nightmare or anything.. But often he is angry and mad and disagrees, because I complain about something then a fight starts. And we never end in a solution or agreement.
I’ve tried to make him understand why for both mental and physical health these things are important, but he says not to him, that he doesn’t care, and that it’s actually the opposite for him: that he would feel bad if he was cleaning when he doesn’t want to or eating when he doesn’t want to. I don’t want him to do it just for me. That will build up resentment. I want him to understand and agree with my perspective.
I love him too much to end this. We have used it as an accusation and we don’t even take each other seriously anymore. We need each other so much and when things are fine, we are so happy. Alone I was never this happy. But I feel these are really big issues I can’t ignore. I am looking for some advice on how to make things better between us so it works long term, because we really don’t see us breaking up.
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have lived together every day since we met 4 months ago, and our lifestyles clash. I value structure, routine, and shared responsibility; he values freedom, spontaneity, and doesn’t care about mess or schedules. I end up doing everything, despite being chronically ill and working more. He helps when asked but doesn’t believe in changing his habits or values. I love him deeply and don’t want to leave, but I’m struggling to find a compromise that doesn’t lead to resentment.
Comments
Go back to your own home. You’ve been together 4 months. This is not normal or healthy
break up or not, go back home.
The purpose of dating is to figure out if you’re a good match. You are not. Good thing it’s only been four months, eh?
People say that love is blind and this is one example. You are not compatible in several points, unfortunately. Considering his age I don’t think he will ever be who you want him to be. You’ll probably get so tired and frustrated that might leave him. Sorry for the negative tone. I think you have a healthy pov about life but he is still a teenager, in spite of his age. Good luck.
Four months is not years, however you cut it. The fact that you feel like it’s been years speaks VOLUMES.
Love isn’t enough. It really is that simple. I don’t care how much you love hanging out and how much fun you have together, it doesn’t mean you work together as life partners. As evidenced by the fact that only 4 months in, you are already seeing the major incompatibilities you have. By all means stay in the relationship, but ultimately there is nothing to ‘fix’ here. He’s told you who he is and who he won’t be. You two don’t want to live the same kind of life, you will never be happy long-term.
People can find a compromise when both partners are looking for that compromise and willing to partake in it. Neither of you are. You don’t just want him to do these things to please you, you want him to come around to your point of view. He does not want to change anything at all.
People who have these kind of severe mismatches where neither is willing to compromise sometimes manage to stay together by maintaining separate residences, but it doesn’t sound like something you guys would be down for.
You may feel like you’ve been together for years, but you haven’t. People don’t take their time and move slowly when they’re getting into new relationships because they aren’t excited about the new person and experiencing lots of strong feelings. They do it so that they can develop their communication patterns and learn how to compromise with little things first so they’re more prepared when the hit the bigger things. They also do it so that they can walk away without blowing their soul up when they encounter likely irresolvable differences like this.
They say opposites attract, and you are proof of that. He’s irresponsible and you’re uptight. You’re incompatible on a fundamental level, and it’s not going to work long-term.
Also, you are both wrong about what it means to “be an adult”. His way of viewing adulthood is wrong for obvious reasons (he’s going to crash and burn), and yours is too rigid. Not everything has to be followed “to protocol”.
For instance, wtf does is matter that meals are eaten at a “normal time”? Or that you never drink on worknights (I can see not getting wasted, but otherwise who cares?) And why does “you shouldn’t be sleeping in” trump sleep needs? Not everything actually matters that much. Care less about what you “should” do, and decide for yourself what works for you. That’s what it means to “be an adult”.
He needs to pull his head out of his ass. You need to lighten up a little.
This is one of the moments where I get annoyed at the “all you need is love” song and sayings. You need more than just love, you need compatibility which you don’t have, unfortunately.
And I get it, I was with someone I loved very much but we were not compatible. It sucked moving on but now I’m with someone I’m very compatible with. There are people out there who can share just as strong of a love that you have with your partner now, but who actually fits your lifestyle and ethos.
Ask yourself if you can live like this the rest of your life. Because he won’t change.
The reason you don’t move in with someone you hsven’t known for long is to give yourself a chsnce to get to know them.
A relationship needs more than love. It needs compatibility. It needs shared values and shared life style. And the only way to figure out compatibility is with time.
Now you are living with someone you are fundamentally incompatible with.
>Often we talk about it calmly and he agrees with me, says I’m not wrong, and will even help with whatever task I ask him to do (simple things like vacuum or laundry).
I mean, be real here: being in a relationship with him will mean being his mother. You have to set chores, you’ll have to maintain the house, you’ll have to keep track of finances.
And as much as he complains that is what he wants. He wants a responsible adult to keep him in line so that he can focus all his energy on being a child. He’s 27 but living like he is still 20 and in college.
You’ve dated 4 months. The majority of it you’ve been clashing and unhappy, with it clear you two have completely different approaches to life and goals. Maybe chill out on insisting this is love because right now the only thing that word is doing is trapping you in a relationship that very clearly should end.
Don’t date someone hoping they will become the complete opposite person after a while. The compromise you need would require he change his entire perspective on life and at his age if he can’t see why his stance is silly I worry it is too fargone.
You are not compatible. These are huge differences and it will only get worse as time goes on. You should end it sooner than later.