My son was playing online(gorilla tag). Heâs 9 and happened to be in a lobby with slightly older kids talking trash and he said âoh yeah, well youâre a dirty pop tart!â I broke out laughing before telling him to take a break and try not to play with older kidsâŠbecause theyâreâŠwell⊠assholes
I am terrible at math. So my kids started calling me “The Countess” a la Sesame Street. Whenever I even attempt math they invoke the countess to send the message that my math is not to be trusted. It still makes me laugh.
Teacher said to a girl that was bullying my friend “don’t be mean to him, he might be your boss one day”
And I kid you not, my friend legit said “no thanks, I don’t intend on becoming a pimp”
Class erupted into laughter and he got off Scott free cuz the principal thought it was funny as hell.
Actually I came up with calling people a âpenis wrinkleâ when I was in high school. 15 years later it still has the same effectâpure bewilderment on the face of whoever I call a penis wrinkle
-When is he going to be held to a higher standard than rat shit?
-Im not saying she is a slut but sheâs put more balls in her mouth than hungry, hungry hippo.
-She looks like she came from a donation pile.
When I had to deal with people all day, you’d get an occasional insult. I’d always smile and say in an upbeat voice ‘see we DO have something in common!’ Gottem every time.
Literally TODAY Deland Fl, two methy looking guys arguing and one said âyou drive a lifted Equinoxâ and when I turned to see it was a literal Chevy Equinox (like an 08) on at least 24â rims. I laughed until tears ran down my face.Â
Many years ago, when I was at Uni, I was at a party that eventually evolved into a large poker game. At one point this guy I didnât really know lost all his chips and in a drunken sort of comical way said, âI hate you all.â
For reasons lost to time, I replied, âWhat an incredible coincidence!â
I think British insults are pretty funny in itself, knob, twat, plonker, Muppet, melt, wanker for some personal favourites and then getting creative with those the more you despise the person, twatface, knobhead, and it goes on
It’s mind boggling how you’re so blissfully unaware of your own bullshit. I’ve given up trying to unsink you from the rabbit hole you’ve dug yourself into. Good luck.
Someone called me beige once… I really wanted to be offended but I couldn’t overlook the accuracy of his statement. Still bothers me till this day. SMH đ€šđ
When I was a teenager, I’ll never forget my boyfriend’s sister asking me why I was with him when he has the personality of a shoelace… She wasn’t wrong lol đ
lol I had a buddy call one of our friends a âbutt babyâ meaning that he is such a specimen of a human being he couldnât have been made normally. Weâre all like 20-26 years old and we all had a good laugh at it.
“You’re not worth the energy to swear at.” – From a Canadian Airborne RSM after the soldiers he was training fucked up so bad he wouldn’t be able to cover for them.
If it’s a guy that I’m insulting I call him “her or she” when talking to my friends about it in front of him. That usually sends the macho guy into overload. Or I’ll call him ma’am. They hate it!
Said by a tall, thin northern European guy with a feather-bedecked dreadlock mohawk and thick black eyeliner, who was emanating a full body rage, YOUR MOTHER HAS A WASHING MACHINE!!!
The whole picture of this scrawny vegan hippie dude from Austria dressed up like a homeless techno Viking, yelling and shaking his fists in the air… And then that was the vilest insult he threw out. The words were totally benign, but the delivery was spine-chilling.
Comments
“You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
Always makes me chuckle thinking about it! đ
Someone online: “Cringe”
Me: “Sometimes it helps to step away from the mirror”
“you should carry a plant on your back to compensate for the oxygen you expend.”
anchovy face
I get constant headaches/ migraines.
Me: ugh I have a headache coming
Gf: ya Iâd have a headache too if I was you, with that big ass head of yours.
“You’re so dense, light bends around you.”
Youâre about as useful as a marzipan dildoâŠ. (Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It.).
âWe had a sophisticated system of law, while you were drawing on cave wallsâ An Italian arguing with an American.
You are the human version of a software update.
You’re the reason for birth control
My son was playing online(gorilla tag). Heâs 9 and happened to be in a lobby with slightly older kids talking trash and he said âoh yeah, well youâre a dirty pop tart!â I broke out laughing before telling him to take a break and try not to play with older kidsâŠbecause theyâreâŠwell⊠assholes
Room temperature IQ
Go brush your teeth
Telling somebody to go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut! Makes me giggle every time I think about it
“You were born out of your Mother’s ASS”!
Two cab drivers arguing.
I once told them that they remind me of Donald Trump. Then I profusely apologized and admitted that that was a terrible thing to say.
I like to bring out “Twat Whistle” from time to time.
I am terrible at math. So my kids started calling me “The Countess” a la Sesame Street. Whenever I even attempt math they invoke the countess to send the message that my math is not to be trusted. It still makes me laugh.
You have only two brain cells and they are fighting each other for third place.
Your IT team has a myriad of ways to refer to a person as an idiot. My favourite has always been “Layer 8 network issue”
The OSI network model has 7 layers. Guess where layer 8 is.
Teacher said to a girl that was bullying my friend “don’t be mean to him, he might be your boss one day”
And I kid you not, my friend legit said “no thanks, I don’t intend on becoming a pimp”
Class erupted into laughter and he got off Scott free cuz the principal thought it was funny as hell.
Your haircut is arbitrary and your nose is unnecessary.
You. I used to use it with someone I used to be close with as a joke when they playfully made fun of međ
Youâre not the stupidest person in the world, but you better hope they donât die
Actually I came up with calling people a âpenis wrinkleâ when I was in high school. 15 years later it still has the same effectâpure bewilderment on the face of whoever I call a penis wrinkle
-When is he going to be held to a higher standard than rat shit?
-Im not saying she is a slut but sheâs put more balls in her mouth than hungry, hungry hippo.
-She looks like she came from a donation pile.
‘As confused as a fart in a wicker chair.’
When I had to deal with people all day, you’d get an occasional insult. I’d always smile and say in an upbeat voice ‘see we DO have something in common!’ Gottem every time.
Twat waffel. Not sure what that is exactly it an old co-worker would use it regularly
Your mother should have swallowed you.
Youâre about as useful as a white crayon.â
Literally TODAY Deland Fl, two methy looking guys arguing and one said âyou drive a lifted Equinoxâ and when I turned to see it was a literal Chevy Equinox (like an 08) on at least 24â rims. I laughed until tears ran down my face.Â
Calvin to Moe: Your simian countenance suggests a family tree rich in spicies diversity.” Bill Waterson, bless you.
I wouldnât piss in your ear if your brain was on fire.
Many years ago, when I was at Uni, I was at a party that eventually evolved into a large poker game. At one point this guy I didnât really know lost all his chips and in a drunken sort of comical way said, âI hate you all.â
For reasons lost to time, I replied, âWhat an incredible coincidence!â
âIm smoke your grandmaâs ashesâ
Knowledge is chasing you but youâve always been faster.
I think British insults are pretty funny in itself, knob, twat, plonker, Muppet, melt, wanker for some personal favourites and then getting creative with those the more you despise the person, twatface, knobhead, and it goes on
On Red Dead Redemption 2, “You’ve got a small neck.”
It’s so random it’s funny. Such an odd thing to insult someone about. The first time I heard it i cracked up so hard.
When my cousin was so annoyed to her friend and just burst out and told her friend â Youâre the human version of a typoâ đđđ
âYouâre as useful as taking a exlax when you already have diarrheaâ
It’s mind boggling how you’re so blissfully unaware of your own bullshit. I’ve given up trying to unsink you from the rabbit hole you’ve dug yourself into. Good luck.
Eagles don’t fly with pigeons
In a grievance meeting:
HR: âIâve been doing this for 22 years!â
Union: âand it continues to astonish me how little you have learned in that timeâ
“You f##king Muppet. Who put their hand up your @ss and is working your mouth?”
Referring to someone who is just a mouthpiece for someone/thing else, and not even good at it.
Source: Drill Sergeant in BCT.
I heard this one in my youth:
One guy was making fun of another’s male pattern baldness.
His response was: That’s from making U-turns under the covers.
The first guy replied: The only thing you know about U-turns is when your wife says “you turn” over and go to sleep!
My manager once told me, “You look like you eat tires.” Then walked away.
I’d love to engage in a battle of whits with you, but clearly you are unarmed.
âyou need a seatbelt to keep you from spilling out of your chairâ
You act like youâre the smartest person in the room, I have serious doubts whether or not youâre the smartest person in that chair.
Read on Reddit last week:
Your brain would make a neuroscientist whistle like car mechanic
Youâve got 2 brain cells fighting for 3rd place.
Someone once said I had a flat chest, and I said yeah, compared to yours mine are non-existent (it was a guy)
Someone called me beige once… I really wanted to be offended but I couldn’t overlook the accuracy of his statement. Still bothers me till this day. SMH đ€šđ
Her: I swear on my life Iâm telling the truth. Me: Iâve seen your life. Swear on something else.
When I was a teenager, I’ll never forget my boyfriend’s sister asking me why I was with him when he has the personality of a shoelace… She wasn’t wrong lol đ
Iâll bet you wear a life jacket to eat soup.
Your hair looks like what I pull out of my shower drain!
If people were paper we’d draw art on most, and wipe our ass with you!
(For old people)
Don’t stand too close, if I sneeze you’re gone!
(If the person is about to leave)
Stay for five more minutes! I wanna have something to look forward to!
That’s the odd thing
I was so tired when it happened that I don’t remember what I said, but everyone else talks about how hard I roasted some guy 3 years ago
Once my husband told me that my p**** is trash and sex with me is mediocre… I politely disagree. We will be divorcing coincidentally on Cinco de Mayo.
This isn’t the end of the world but you can see it from here
âYou look like your favorite band is Papa Roach.â
When a guy has little man syndrome. I tell him to stand up when he talks to me! Gets them every time
ÙŰ§ŰšÙ Ű§ÙÙ ŰŻŰ§ÙÙŰ©ŰŰŹŰ§Ù ŰŻŰ© Ù ÙŰȘđđ
If brain cells were dynamite you couldnât blow your nose!
âYouâre a prime example of how evolution has failed the human raceâ
âYouâre a pain in the butt!â
Youâre a butt to be a pain too.
I lost a game on COD and a guy kept shouting u lost! And I told them the only thing I lost was my virginity to your mom
“I bet every mirror in your house has PTSD.”
Also these quotes from performance evaluations lmaooooo quotes from actual performance evaluations
“You friggin overused microwave!!!” -my brother
Since then, we have said that to each other as an inside joke/insult
My grandma got really mad at someone and called them a dirty sock. 8 year old me thought it was the funniest thing ever.
lol I had a buddy call one of our friends a âbutt babyâ meaning that he is such a specimen of a human being he couldnât have been made normally. Weâre all like 20-26 years old and we all had a good laugh at it.
You spineless jellyfish!
When people are losing their shit I ask them if they are upset because of their hair cut.
Classic from SpongeBob. â You just blow in from Stupid town ?â
And my personal favorite â Someone aught to put you in box floating down the River grandma!!!â
Iâll always enjoy âI wouldnât trust you to run a bathâ
“You’re not worth the energy to swear at.” – From a Canadian Airborne RSM after the soldiers he was training fucked up so bad he wouldn’t be able to cover for them.
Fuck you and everyone that looks like you & âI wish you were differentâ
Edit: added second insult for a tie imo
When someone is calling themselves stupid I’ll say “Hey, hey. Don’t be so kind to yourself, you’re ugly too.”
Iâve always liked âare you a professional idiot, or is it just a hobby?â & variations on that
What are you….new?
You’re a load that your mother should have swallowed.
Your dog wags it tail when you leave the room
Years ago,, my then 8 year old son and his friend were arguing and his friend says “yeah, well your dad drives a minivan.” It still cracks me up.
My godson once called his friend a “big handsome bully” while arguing
âStop acting fatâ
Some guy said it to this girl in class (high school). Entire class just dead silent like they couldnât believe he said that to her.
âWow, if you were with SFPD in the 70s they for sure wouldâve caught the zodiac killer by nowâ
If it’s a guy that I’m insulting I call him “her or she” when talking to my friends about it in front of him. That usually sends the macho guy into overload. Or I’ll call him ma’am. They hate it!
You’re impossible to underestimate.
Said by a tall, thin northern European guy with a feather-bedecked dreadlock mohawk and thick black eyeliner, who was emanating a full body rage, YOUR MOTHER HAS A WASHING MACHINE!!!
The whole picture of this scrawny vegan hippie dude from Austria dressed up like a homeless techno Viking, yelling and shaking his fists in the air… And then that was the vilest insult he threw out. The words were totally benign, but the delivery was spine-chilling.
It’s a joke not a dick don’t take it so hard.
âYouâre pretty bold for someone who looks like âNo,Davidââ (itâs a childrenâs book)
My favorite online reviewer considered the most creative insult he ever received was: “I hope you get run over by a truck filled with cancer.”
âyou ninja turtle penguin Batman ass bitchâ on 90 day fiancĂ© đ
“People like you are why God doesn’t talk to us anymore.” I first heard it from a kid.
Dude shut up. If I want any shit out of you I’ll squeeze your head.