Some honest context:
– 34 and ‘handsome’ (important later)
– Eldest brother of three brothers (youngest stepchild)
– Mother removed father from picture at 4 yrs old, got involved in stealing cars in 90s.
– Enter verbally abusive step dad from 6yrs old onward, bought us everything but beat us down mentally.
– Mom divorced stepdad when I was 24
– I cut contact with him 6 years ago, my youngest brother still keeps contact (real dad)
– Between stepdad and friends I made, they always bullied me for my looks.
If you look at my profile, you’d think I have all the confidence in the world, I’m told it all the time to the point it’s exhausting, but I’m the shyest, most quiet, scared and afraid person I know. You can see it in my sad eyes.
I can spill my inner thoughts when writing and I can be quite colorful, but verbalizing and talking to people gives me such anxiety, to the point that I’ve never held a full time career, something I really need right now. I have friends and I don’t always care for small talk, it’s not that, but more being confident in my own skin.
In my 20s, I was part time and a student, then eventually self study student, and now just part time. I’ve been a truck supervisor at Kohls, loss prevention, real estate agent for a year, and now an account rep for 7+ years at a small, no talking required, job I found on Craigslist years ago.
I’m sober from alcohol now, still smoke weed, but I’ve never held a full time job and it’s been so long that I feel I’m romanticizing the perfect job, stalling my growth further, and not taking the needed steps to grow up. Puer Aeternus.
I know I have to stop looking back, but this mental rot is eating me alive and it’s not until the evenings that I feel mad enough to think about changes.
I’m venting a bit waiting on my vehicle recall to finish up, but I’m so tired and the thing is, I don’t want to be. I have so much potential, my coworkers/friends/family/partner even see it, but I’m having trouble stepping into my responsibilities when I don’t want to/if it isn’t on my terms.
To add to all this, I recently found my real dad on FB and his fresh TRUST NO ONE tattoo on the back of his scalp.. and I almost feel bad for him. I can’t imagine having your children ripped from your life.
Anyways, how’d you break out?
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Be kind to yourself and don’t use FB or IG for a while. Sounds like your making progress but it feels slow? I was in a very similar boat, but one day I realized that I had achieved most of my goals without appreciating my progress since it happened so slowly. Keep working and taking care of yourself. Try to hang out with people who bring out your best. Stay close to your brothers. I’m so grateful for my little bro who has turned into my best life coach as I got older.
Good luck, OP.