I (31M) really like this woman (27F) I’ve been dating for a little over two months – she’s incredibly blunt and funny and creative and I always enjoy our time together, we share values on religion and politics and even future family plans, and I’m unbelievably attracted to her. When we first started dating, our first kiss or two was a little awkward and I think we both wrote it off due to nerves, and it felt like our kisses/makeout sessions in the dates that followed improved and we were really feeling each other. Around our fourth or fifth date, we had a great night out with drinks and dinner and a show and we ended up back at her place, and things progressed to the bedroom not too long afterwards. It had been around a year since the last time I slept with anyone, and while we tipsily fooled around I couldn’t keep my erection because I was too in my head about performance anxiety and the spontaneity of the moment and not using protection, and we ended up cuddling for a long time before I went home.
In the six weeks since then, we’ve been out maybe ten more times, and while on a few occasions we’ve been making out and things have gotten a little hot and heavy, we haven’t progressed past handsy kissing for various reasons stated at the time (e.g. she was on her period, or I left my condoms down in the car and it would “ruin the mood” to take a break to get them, or she had an early morning the next day due to work commitments). In the past two weeks or so, I’ve noticed that our kissing just hasn’t included tongue (despite me trying to get it involved like it had been in the past), and she hasn’t reciprocated as much like straddling me or putting her hands on my chest or around my neck; last week she nervously mentioned something she didn’t like about how we were kissing and I took it to note and tried to address it, but it kind of killed the mood and I went home not too long afterwards. I haven’t had complaints about kissing or anything else bedroom-related in the past, and it really seemed like we were both enjoying ourselves earlier on in the first month or so we were dating, so I’m struggling to figure out how or where things went wrong and how to fix it. I’m not so egotistical to discard the idea that maybe I’m still just rusty as far as making out or physical escalation, but outside of that one moment she hasn’t made any adjustments on her end or mentioned anything that’s bugging her as far as us connecting physically and I obviously can’t address any issues that I don’t know exist.
I haven’t been particularly outspoken about these issues or made many overt moves to escalate things physically because our first time in the bedroom she shared that she has a medical condition(s) that would make intimacy difficult and even potentially one-sided, and even though I’m a little sexually frustrated and would love to really explore that aspect of our relationship a lot more, I don’t want to put additional pressure on her for that specifically for something that’s basically outside of her control.
I don’t think there’s anything really significantly off about our relationship outside of the physical aspects – we text all the time sharing little details about our daily lives, the creative projects she’s working on, my hobbies and the food I’m cooking, and anime we’re watching; our conversations in person are lively and don’t really have many dull moments and we’ve continued having fun on dates. Even though she’s said she’s not really a “romantic” person and tends to operate more on logic than emotions, I think the feeling is pretty mutual from her end because even if things are far as our relationship are kind of in a holding pattern (from my perspective) we keep scheduling time for each other in her limited time off from work and we’ve both talked about how we’re dating with the intention of finding our life partner and having kids and stuff. I really like her and think we could have a great future if we can move past this issue with physical intimacy/chemistry, and that’s partially why I’ve been so patient about the situation. One thing that does concern me is when I first broached a kind of “defining the relationship” talk about a week after we attempted to have sex, she kind of freaked out that we “barely knew each other”, and since then I decided to put a pin in that conversation until there’s a little bit more clarity about where we stand with each other in terms of physical chemistry and not just the companionship/emotional compatibility aspects of seeing each other.
I see her in a few days and if things are still “off” as far as us kissing or making out or any kind of physical escalation past that, I definitely plan on bringing it up because even though I hate confrontation and kind of dread the idea that things could be off for a reason I/we can’t really address, I really want to figure out what’s going on and how we can get back on track because I think there’s a ton of potential in our relationship and I don’t want to date anyone else in the near future because I think they’d pale in comparison to her.
P.S.: To head off any comments, I don’t believe she’s seeing anyone else because of her previously mentioned busy work schedule, and the fact that she said she wasn’t seeing anyone else when I tried to bring up defining the relationship for that exact reason. If she is, I obviously wouldn’t be thrilled and would honestly be a little gutted, but because we haven’t talked about exclusivity or labels there wouldn’t be anything morally wrong in my eyes about it so much as just emotionally painful for me.
tl;dr: I’ve (31M) been dating someone (27F) for a little over two months, and I feel like we connect really well on a lot of levels, but any kind of physical aspect of our relationship has hit a standstill and even backslid over the past month after a failed attempt at sleeping together. How do I bring up our physical/chemistry issues in a way that is respectful and kind without screwing everything up?
Comments
“I think you’re beautiful and just a fantastic person. What would you enjoy doing with me physically and where would you like this relationship to go? Because I gotta be honest, I am 5000% on board for whatever. You’re dreamy. Also, let’s watch Jurassic Park, that movie kicks ass.”
I don’t think this will resolve when you see her and you will have to bring it up to her. Which can be awkward – you don’t want to come across as desperate for sex but with your somewhat rocky start to physical intimacy, better to do it now than wait until you’re official and find out overtime that you’re not sexually compatible. Let her know how you’re feeling, what you want (relationship with her), and ask how she’s feeling.