My partner (33m) and I (39f) have been together 4 years and lived together for 3. We both work full time. He works a physical job and I work from home half the week and the other half in the office, yet somehow I’ve ended up with the responsibility for everything – something I said I would never do and I take responsibility for letting it happen. Beyond contributing to half the bills, I’m not even sure I know what else he contributes to, certainly not organising holidays, date nights, a meal out, etc. I’m now in a situation where I feel like a total contradiction. When he asks me what I want to do, I don’t want to do anything, but then find myself complaining that we don’t do anything. I want to spend time with him and vice versa, but I just don’t want to have to be the one coming up with suggestions, organising everything and then being the one responsible for paying for any plans we make. We keep our money separate, which we both agreed to as I’ve been screwed over in the past and he admitted to being not having the best handle on his. I wouldn’t mind paying for things if it was for good reason, but it’s literally because he spends money on stupid stuff and leaves himself short – another story entirely. Anyone else in a similar situation and fed up of having to organise everything? Is it too much to ask for him to say, we’re going to do this thing, on this date and to not have to think of anything other than showing up? Am I being difficult?
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Lots of people are/have been in the same position. There are posts almost daily about useless partners.
You aren’t being difficult.
When he asks what you want to do have you said “I want you to figure out a few plans and I will pick from them “?
I literally posted about this a little over a week ago in #marriageadvice. You are not alone nor are you being difficult you are just falling into the same trap I fell into where we become the mother to our partner. I have yet to have this discussion with my husband but not talking about it will only create more resentment and a loss of our feminine energy since we have had to tap into our more masculine energy to lead the household and keep things together. Others commented that I should pull back on what I actually do in the relationship and home and instead focus on me and see what happens. Overall the response from my husband has been positive in direction. But both you and I need to have an actual real conversation about our expectations and how our partner can help us.
lol that definitely emotional labor.
I’m so fed up with carrying the emotional labor. As should you!!!
Yours is about just general things but mine is similar.
I have to teach him how to fight right and communicate and met with avoidance, deflection, blame and guilt trip. Oh andddd resentment because you deigned to teach him how to grow and be emotionally responsible and mature!!!
And THIS is why i don’t cook. Fuck physical labor when I gotta do the emotional.
Yes I have had partners like this, it was like pulling teeth with them. It’s definitely pretty normal to expect your grown adult partner to initiate dates every once in a while and plan activities you can both enjoy. Until I met my husband I didn’t know men like that existed
When I was married we both worked full time jobs. I did all the cooking, cleaning/laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping, budgeting, and made sure our bills got paid on time. If he got holes in his pants, I would sew them back up. I also would spend my nights and weekends doing some sort of home-improvement project. The only thing I really asked him to do was to take out the trash whenever it got full. More often than not it would start overflowing bc he was lazy and did not hold himself accountable for his ONE chore. Either I would end up doing it or he would throw a fit if I asked him to pause his video game to take it out. After we separated, reality kicked him in the teeth about how much I really did around the house and he admitted that he messed up. Fuck around and find out I guess.
Left a 10+ year relationship because of this. Exhausted! The mental load is real
It’s wild to me how this is such a repetitive feeling. Why are men like this?
I would start doing things on my own and not being this guys mommy
Definitely don’t have kids with him, you’ll continue to do everything
Sit down and figure it out with him
Just remember this – men learn from action, not from talking or verbal communicating. Sure, you can ask once or twice but for some reason they just respond better through lived experience. I suggest creating an environment that he will experience if you were to leave, like not cleaning anymore or if you can’t handle that – going on a very long trip, maybe 2-3 weeks so he is forced to manage it himself.
My friend recently did something similar and her husband was calling her crying within 2 days, sending pitiful pictures that he had to cook his own dinner, and he apologized for making her suffer for over a decade and he only had it for a few days. Men learn best through actions and consequences, not discussions.
It’s because you have different priorities. You live together so date nights and celebrations aren’t his thing, obviously. People are only going to devote energy into something they have to do or want to do. You need to decide if you can live with this misalignment or not.
I was fully in a similar situation. It won’t get better. In fact, for me, it got worse. I was with my bf for 8 years and planned a whole vacation. All he had to do was show up with his passport. We got back December 13th, and on December 22nd, he called me from the mall asking me if I wanted anything for Christmas.
There was a lot leading up to it, but that was a huge moment for me.
He gave me a Nordstrom gift card A WEEK AFTER Christmas. Went to use it a week ago. It didn’t even have any money on it. Don’t think it was malicious. He just couldn’t even buy me a gift card.
Edit to add – I broke up with him
Yes I married a boy… a boy that needs to be told what to do!!! It’s exhausting—- I want a man to take control!!!
Have you told him that you want to do things but that you are tired of planning all the excursions and events? What did he say?
Nope. No one in my life considers me responsible.
Ive always been the more responsible and I said no lore. Now I’m the irresponsible one compared to my incredibly responsible man. 😆
i’m the irresponsible one! and he plans everything and tells me what time i need to be ready, and tries to lie to me since i am always like 20 minutes late 😂😂😂 he’s always on time
In my experience, I could talk until I was blue in the face, try to explain that I was tired too, that the dynamic was unfair, blah blah blah, in one ear and out the other. I ended it, and found myself a proper partner who was already keeping his place clean, enjoyed cooking, like doing things other than watching and playing sports, and was keeping some plants alive. My life got a lot better fast.
Baby girl you’re accepting this, with love ♥ look, this CAN be fixed but it takes two. Please don’t hold all of the relationship on your shoulders and responsibility.
I feel he’s not trying to romance you or anything, he’s just chilling because you will do it all. He knows that. Maybe start pouring more into yourself?
And, don’t advocate for playing games, but maybe watch Margarita Narazuko on YouTube, perhaps some of her advice will help you
She mentions if a man becomes lazy basically or pulls back, to start just pouring more into yourself vs nagging him and begging for attention..
Please, if nothing changes just leave. It takes two and you will waste precious years of your life in an unhappy relationship if so. Sending u love ❤️ Shera 7 is also good for helping women realise their worth and set better standards. ♥ You don’t have to agree with everything she says! Many women (like me) watch her but don’t agree with absolutely everything.
You’re not alone. I get triggered when I get asked what to do. Why? If I had to plan the date I would had invited you. Like if they know me they know they tupe of stuff I wanna do. Don’t ask me what I wanna do just invite me to do anything…. Somehow I manage to plan dates that I know the other person would like imagine that?!
Sorry op. You’re not wrong and your feelings are super valid. I hope he stops taking you for granted and steps up his game.
I’m happy single because I treat myself. I treat me how I apodo treat my partner and how I think they should treat me… is the “standards”are high, oh well.