Maybe it’s a stupid question but I really don’t get it. I always dated around my own age – people I met in school, college, grad school. I’ll say usually +/- 3 years. My ex husband was 2 years younger than me for example. It didn’t seem like a problem to find age-matched dates when younger. But now… I cannot get any dates my age.
I am told by many that at my age (40), I should be looking into the pool of men in their early 50s. Which I wouldn’t do. I’d date men in their 50s when I am in my 50s thank you.
I understand where this is coming from. It is totally normalized that men date younger women. Some of my ex-husband friends, also around 40 now, left their long term partners and are dating much younger girls. E.g. one is 40 like me and new gf is 26.
It is totally clear for me why most men prefer younger women. But for them to be able to do that, it means that they can. Right? There is sufficient pool of women who are OK dating older. What I DON’T get is WHY.
Why on earth would a 30 year old woman would be willing to go with a 45 old dude? Just thinking about long term… when she’s 60, he will be 75. We know how men and women age on average. Instead of making the most of her golden years, they odds are she will spend them being a 24/7 nurse.
I’ve seen this so many times in my social circles – elderly women in amazing shape not being able to do anything because they are stuck caring for their sick husbands. It happened in my family too. Even though they were the same age actually, my mom was fit, healthy, full of energy in her late 60s and wanted to travel, but my poor dad was such a wreck already that he couldn’t do anything… and she felt bad doing things without him and leave him alone. A friend of mine when 26 married a guy who was 43 at the time. He looked great for his age in all fairness, but, he was 50 when he became father of the second child and he had no energy for kids really, and let’s be honest, it’s unclear if he will meet grandchildren (if kids want to be parents, ofc their choice).
It just doesn’t make any sense to me. You know.. how women like me are told well you can’t have kids anymore so you are out of the range for men in their 40s that still want kids. OK but then why don’t we as women also tell men in their 40s – sorry you are also too old to have kids now. I know it’s biologically possible, but it doesn’t mean it’s right. It also carries genetic risks for example.
This post was triggered by a dating profile: dude is 41 already, and says – I want to meet someone, travel together and have fun for a few years, then start a family. I am thinking to myself – no dude, you are late already and you should have started a family yesterday… why do you get to do that when a woman at 41 needs to start trying to get pregnant asap. Maybe they have the biological advantage, however, in the end it’s just about demand and supply – why are we, as women, giving men the luxury of having expanded dating pool and reproductive window, and the opportunity to have more years without commitment?
Considering the differences in life span, it makes much more sense that women choose younger men, not the other way around.
Comments
Population statistics show people in the U.S. mostly marry people close in age.
Date younger men then.
I’ll never understand why people care what others think of their preferences.
I see this on both gendered subreddits and it is genuinely baffling to me.
Funnily enough both subreddits hate the older man younger woman pairing.
I feel as if men probably feel more in control/ more powerful when dating a younger girl. I was def way easier to manipulate when I was younger than I am now. I would only date an older man if he was actually mature and I was attracted to him- otherwise not entirely sure why women do. Money maybe? Idk.
I was 28 when I met my husband and he was a 43 year old divorced man with an ex wife his age, I had been dating guys my age and they were just awful, most older men I find are more straight forward, tired of BS and sexually way better than the males my age. We have the chillest marriage,
I’m 30, and a (married) man who is in his early 40s was hitting on me. I told him even if he was single he is way too old for me and I could visibly see his stomach drop out of embarrassment. I would not even be interested in him if he was my age/available.
I am married to someone my age.
But I think some younger women might see that older men probably have acquired more wealth and have more free time (either older kids or none at all).
The average age gap between couples is 3 years.
But to answer your question, older people have far more knowledge including about dating. They know how to impress someone, they can use their power. Father issues are real as well. If as many “older women” would pursue younger men, you would see just as many young men dating significantly older women.
I am coming up on 38, my husband is 48. I had my son very young so I was looking for someone who was in a similar stage of life (empty nest) with similar interests. No regrets.
obviously, there’s no one answer to your question. it’s different for everyone. especially since, as another commenter points out, people dating older or younger are a minority. we’re outliers and you could reasonably expect our life circumstances and our choices to reflect that.
but I would say most people don’t choose partners based on statistics and “what makes sense” and “what’s it going to be like when I’m 60.” they fall in love. you fall for the whole package of a person and you’re damn lucky to do so. my partner is 11 years older than me. we’ve been together 7 years and I still feel like I won the lottery every day. do I sometimes think about how he may die before me and feel sad? yes. do I know that life is unpredictable and maybe I’ll die before him? also yes. we’ve already been through a chronic health crisis together. those kinds of things can strike at any time, not just when you get old. I feel so fortunate to love and be loved and we’ll face up to any challenges as they come.
I’m 38. My last relationship was with someone 20 years older than me. We just clicked. I don’t overthink it
My husband is 12 years older than me. I wasn’t looking for an older guy, it just happened. It’s not a big deal.
we literally addressed this last week. Women are pressured to be with successful men. Men are not typically reaching mainstream success until they are older therefore women get with older men. it is not rocket science.
It truly baffles me how sometimes people in this sub post these long ass posts that literally are just them talking or asking about what other women choose to do as if it affects them or as if there is some universal answer. Sometimes women just fall in love with older men, sometimes they date them for convenience, sometimes they date them for financial security, sometimes they date them because they know that an older man is going to appreciate them more than a man their age…… like you’re in your 30s asking this instead of just using critical thinking.
I get tired of age gap conversations, honestly. There are plenty of relationships I may not understand, but if no one is getting hurt and it’s all consensual, it’s not my business nor my place to understand.
Date or marry who you want. Women are questioned over every damn thing we do already, why do we need to contribute to that problem? It’s an adult in a relationship with another adult. It really shouldn’t matter to anyone else.
Because they have similar interests, grew to have a connection and fell in love.
However, there are older men who are not mature and manipulative.
Other people are attracted to different things for different reasons
I’ve never understood this either, personally.
Especially because it gets more and more difficult to maintain a certain level of attractiveness after you hit 30 unless you really work at it. Eating healthy, regular exercise, cutting alcohol and maintaining a skincare routine matters a lot more.
Based off my own dating experience, it seems like a lot of men aren’t willing to put in the same amount of work when it comes to these lifestyle choices as women, and it shows.
I think that’s typically why you see a lot more conventionally attractive women in their 30s-40s. With that said, if women pursued men based solely on physical characteristics, they’d probably want to date same age or younger.
The last thing on my mind when I was 25 was dating someone in their 30s, much less their 40s. My best guess for why women go for older men is they’re more likely to be established in their careers, and therefore more financially secure.
Again, not physical characteristics. Notice how these young women are never with an older dude who looks like Pedro Pascal. 😂
I’m 32 and have always preferred dating older. My ex was 7 years older than me. For me, I’ve historically never been able to connect with men my age or younger. I find they are too immature, too indecisive in life, and do not have a clear path of where they want their life to go. Older men do. They know what they want. They know what works. Most know how to communicate. They have the maturity that I’m looking for to be stimulated not only physically, but mentally which is very important to me. They don’t play games. Most know how to love a woman correctly. I don’t get that same attraction to younger men. I guess it’s preference, but that’s my why.
My MIL is a 24:7 nurse by your metrics.
She’s also very wealthy because of my FIL and brought her entire family to the US.
He’s lucky she wasn’t a gold digger, and she’s lucky to be able to say F U to people because of said wealth.
It’s not your cup of tea and thats ok.
I do not “agree” Ijust feel that men go for women younger than them and men my age just don’t want comités relationships… so I am single
When I was in my 20’s I dated a man who was 14 years older than me. So I can’t say why any other women date older but I can tell you why I did- because I liked him. He was kind, he had his shit together, and he wasn’t playing the games that guys my age were playing. It was a really healthy, normal relationship without all the 20-something drama. We had fun together. Eventually the difference in life stages did contribute to our breakup, but while we were dating I just enjoyed his company. That’s it. That’s why I dated an older man- cuz I liked him.
My ex-husband was 10 years older than me. At the time there was a marked difference between him and other men I had dated. Certainly he had his shit together in a lot of different ways (although now that I think back about when and how we met it squicks me out a bit).
Now I’m 43 and back in the dating market and HOLY SHIT am I not the slightest bit interested in a man 10 years older! I can’t even find men my own age that have taken care of themselves and look good! I think I’ll end up with someone around my own age or younger down the road.
Some people just jive with a person regardless of age.
My husband is 7 years older than me, but before we met I dated a few guys considerably older, as well as some my own age. I had a great, but brief experience with a professional cyclist that was almost 20 years older than me – respectful, funny, great taste in music, and fantastic in bed. But he was looking to settle down and start a family, and I wasn’t ready for that yet, so we amicably parted ways.
My husband is 25 years older than me. We deeply love each other. I know I’ll be taking care of him one day, but that isn’t stopping me from enjoying now. I’ll take care of him because I love him.
There are people around my age with husbands around my age who died of cancer and heart disease already. They were taking care of their husbands way younger than the age I’ll be when I take care of mine.
I’m not afraid to be alone when I’m older or to find love again.
I posted a comment in askmenadvice because someone said what men look for is looks and youth. And it really rubbed me the wrong way. I responded and have since been bombarded with angry comments by men about why age is important to them and how 25 is the most fertile time, and how young women always look better. It was gross.
Also, I mentioned how I was often taken advantage of by men in their late 20’s and 30’s when I was 18 and some dude was like “yeah well you were legal so it’s not wrong. Who cares?” 🤦🏻♀️. Like bro….. 🤮
At 40 I’d date a 50 year old. You’re both beyond being adults. I’d just make sure the dick works if that matters to you but that’s at any age.
Also you’re 40. You’re not exactly young yourself so idk why this whole agony. At 40 does anyone really give a damn about who you date as long as it’s not a teenager?
I’m not attracted to men significantly older than me.
Agree to be with?
Most men want to date younger. Women have to choose from the men who want to date them.
Most women date people their own age. As soon as girls hit puberty there are older weirdos trying to date them. Those who are smart avoid dating men who intentionally seek out younger women.
I married a man older than me because we had similar outlooks on life, wanted children, and had the same goals for providing for said children in the same way I would alone (I was very adamant about college accounts because I am a millennial). My reproductive window is my own damn business and I won’t really hear anything about it. You’re in, or you’re out, at that is just me. I don’t have time to learn everything about every single thing someone has done, or experienced, and I’m no one’s personal therapist, but as long as out futures align we’ve got that foundation.
Stop over thinking all this… just date and go from there. Not everybody is the same.
I think a lot of men are taken out of the dating pool due to no job, mental health issues, drugs, personality issues so women have a much smaller pool of men to work with
I rarely see age gaps of more than 4 years where I live but I do see women settle BIG TIME as that’s all that’s available and if you want a relationship you often (but not always) settle big time
(Not all women settle of course but many do)
Tbh I kinda don’t blame women for dating men older, but I have weird hypocritical opinions standards in that I just find it so icky men leaving their wives for much younger women and having this weird fascination with dating someone in their twenties like some sort of prize when they’re older
Better question: what does youth inherently guarantee that age does not?
Nothing. Not life span, not energy, not vitality, not even maturity. Younger guys can be weak and older guys can be immature. One quality (age) is simply that: one of many qualities that need to be considered.
My husband and I have a 12 year age gap. I was looking for an old man specifically but we really hit it off and are incredibly in love. Statistically speaking, I will likely live alone at the end of my life and that’s deeply upsetting to me. Not just the fact that I’ll be alone but that I’ll be without him specifically.
Sometimes I prefer older men for multiple reasons.
Some men try harder to make it work when theres a good age gap. There’s a high chance theyd never pull a younger woman than me and i play that in my favor. That eagerness for them to try harder because of the age gap is such a relief if youre in a dry spell romantically.
Finances. Older men tend to be more settled into their careers which is a financial advantage for child bearing reasons.
Though statistically, divorce rates are much lower the closer you are in age because it reduces a power dynamic.
By the time someone is, let’s say, 27, they are a fully functioning adult with at least some experience. If someone wants to date someone 15 years their senior, let them. You know? Most people prefer to date someone within their age range (0-7 years). It’s not up to us to warn other adult women about the consequences of their bad choices.
Now, when it comes to older men dating young women in their teens and early twenties who are often groomed and lack life experience, that’s different. We should warn young women of this.
7 year difference here. Never thought about it then and don’t now. We are compatible and have been since first meeting. If you find something that works and makes you happy I don’t see a major issue in letting it work.
I mean if a thirty year old and 45 year old have that great chemistry that’s hard to find, why discourage it?
Being a target of an old sexual predator really makes me think twice when it comes to men 💀
So you can enjoy your 70’s with the golden girls.
why do you care if someone wants to date older? if they’re happy, leave them be. spend less time being judgy of what makes people happy, it’ll be a better look
40F, dating at this age comes with a lot of freedoms. I’ve dated older, younger, and my own age, sometimes with a big age gap. But for a long-term partner, I would also prefer someone around my own age.
12 years old than me but it was meant to be. Sometimes you can’t help overlooking all that nonsense you mention when you find the right person. I would take any number of years together over moving on to someone younger that just wouldn’t measure up. I must say though… the men my age in my 20s were absolutely garbage 🗑️
Well for me they are the only men who ask me out. Maybe by 50 they feel sure of themselves. Men my own age don’t ask me out. Now I am 50 so I am finally attracted to people in my own age space.
I fell for someone who was incidentally older than me. We had a lot in common. Neither of us habitually dated outside our age group, it was just how it was for us. He was 21 years older than me and I was late 20s at the time. We met at a concert.
Women tend to date at their level and up financially and men tend to date their level and down.
Women are obtaining college degrees at a higher rate than men. Women under the age of 28 are making more money than men. (This statistic changes once a woman has a baby). If women are more successful than the men their age they may end up dating older to find someone more successful.
I think we will see even more of this with what is happening with young men today. Would you choose someone with an incel attitude to date or an older man who respects you?
It’s also just tradition. Young women were often married off to older men. We are exposed to it through media and history. It’s been normalized.
My husband is almost 8 years older than me. I was 28 and he was 36 when we met. I was divorced, had moved to the other side of the world, previously had a career and was starting over when I met him.
It wasn’t a conscious decision to date older by any means, but the age gap didn’t seem particularly large at the time. I’d had a ton of life experience that most of my peers hadn’t yet and I felt like my now-husband was at a similar life stage to me (whereas 28 year old men weren’t, really).
However, now that we’ve been together for 5 years, I see things a little differently. He is wonderful but we are years apart in emotional intelligence… me being the more emotionally mature one. He is learning, but at a much slower pace than I or my women friends.
So ultimately, for me, it came down to maturity in life-stage. A 28 year old man wouldn’t be looking for commitment, purchasing a home, settling down and such… things I was looking for. It wasn’t finances, rather than a lack of fear towards commitment.
Because I—wait for it—want to. Really, though—I am super ahead of my demographic. 30F, retirement funded, I own a business and a couple of properties—most people my age are floundering around in six figures of consumer or student debt and crying about being ‘forced’ to go to college. It’s just really unrelatable and unattractive to me.
My FIL was 13 years older than my MIL and much of what OP wrote applied to their marriage. She was 21 and he was 34 when they married. They had 3 children right away. Then there was a gap of 6 years and they had 3 more. It was almost like they had two separate families. From what I deduced from stories I heard from my spouse and his siblings, FIL was a more active and engaged father to the children that were born in his 30s. By the time the younger ones came along in his 40s, he had less patience and tolerance for the noise and chaos of small children. Not to mention, by the time they reached their teens, the “old man” was totally out of touch.
When he turned 65 and retired, MIL was 52. After having been a SAHM for most of her life, MIL had gone back into the paid work force in her mid 40s. She had a job that she loved and wanted to continue working but FIL insisted on selling the house and moving to a retirement community. I can’t even say MIL retired at the same time because it was more like she gave up the income and independence that her job gave her and went back to being a full time housewife, only this time she was caring for an increasingly sedentary and aging husband. She often spoke wistfully about how much she enjoyed her former job and that she regretted quitting when she did.
FIL passed away at the age of 89. He had started showing signs of dementia a couple of years prior. MIL did her best to care for him at home but he had a bad fall and spent the last year of his life in a long term care facility. MIL was devastated by his loss and never fully recovered. She had a stroke at age 83 and lived for another 4 years in long term care.
Given that women have slightly longer life expectancies, from a logical standpoint it makes sense for a woman to marry a man a few years younger. However, many older men are purposely looking for a younger woman to nurse them through their old age. So, unless that’s something you want to sign up for OP, I’d advise sticking to your principles even if it means giving up dating and learning to be content as a single person.
It’s sounds like you’re focusing on biology and health. What about loving the person? Shared goals and values? You like their companionship?
Nor to mention, you can be younger and still have health issues, but I guess those of us should just end up alone? /s
I am 29 and my fiance is 45 . I was dating a guy my age but he just kinda wasted my time ? He didn’t know what he wanted in life . I gave him time to figure that out but I can’t wait forever . He was also addicted to video games and porn . I met my fiance and idk why just click . It’s very strange thou Ngl.
This is a much bigger concern in the US than many other countries. It works for some people and not for others.
There’s really nothing to judge here.
i had unresolved daddy issues lmfao. i was 23 he was 49. yeah. major inner work had to be done after i left.
I am currently dating someone who is 10 years older than me. In the past, my boyfriends were around my age or a few years older. I can tell you without a doubt that my current boyfriend is way more emotionally intelligent and self-aware than my exes. He’s also much more generous in bed and prioritizes my pleasure over his. I genuinely think that’s also related to his age.
I think that having more experience in life and dating makes older men more appealing to me going forward (if my current relationship doesn’t work out.) of course, I would not date someone who is 20-30 years older than me.
As an older woman, I’m here to say, the younger men are all over it. Had more options than ever in the last few years, and I’m over 50!
You over thinking too much of this bc of the gender wars, the Manosphere movement, and what the incels guys are saying
Take a Look around at couples and date nights bc most of them are similar in age.
80 percent of Most men and women 40 plus are already married. So that’s not many older men and women in the dating market already
Statistically most men are dating younger women, but most are 1 to 3 years apart.
Statistically, only 8 percent of most couples have more than 10 years of age gap.
Most men who are still in the dating market, @ 40, aren’t dating women in their 20s, especially if he has kids. Most are dating women between 30 to 45.
What I don’t get is caring so much what other people do as well as what other people say about what you do. Mind your biscuits it’s all gravy.
It’s not impossible, but it becomes harder to bare children. Biologically, men are meant to create more children with more women. One man can impregnate countless women in one day (kind of) whereas one woman must go through the 9 months of pregnancy before being able to conceive again (kind of).
It’s also a double standard. Woman were often thought of as less desirable as they aged. That’s why so many anti aging products and surgeries are targeted at woman mostly. Some people are afraid to grow old and can’t embrace their wrinkles and greys. Men on the other hand tend to be seen as more mature and silver foxes. Men mature later in life as woman as well- idk how factual that is but it’s one of the things a lot of people just hear throughout life. So hypothetically, a 50 yr old man and a 20 yr old woman could be on the same level maturity wise and it’s a win win. The girl gets a nice, stable older man and the man gets a nice younger woman. Again-hypothetically.
Also like someone said, mommy and daddy issue.
There are gold diggers who seek older men/woman because they are financially secure.
Then there is actual love connections. People who actually connect regardless of age. As long as everyone is an adult and consenting to the relationship it’s not issue. It’s taboo to some and it’s different because it’s not what they were raised but everyone is different.
Patriarchy. Men can control women with power dynamics and money. But that is becoming less the case now that we are able to provide for ourselves.
I’ve never understood it. I’ve always found men considerably older than me creepy to date. When I was last dating when I was 36 I decided to not go more than one year older than myself. I found men even a few years older tend to talk down to me like I’m a stupid kid.
After a certain age, the whole age gap thing is so pointless
Oh Jesus. Dating younger is a lot of work even if it’s 2-3 yrs. I prefer older.
I prefer older, because the maturity, the emotional intelligence, wisdom/knowledge. You truly get to be feminine. Pressure is made for shoulders not hips.
I’ve tried dating younger and it always ends in some kind of mess. Dating around my age is less of a risk, but still some. Older not as much risk.
The concern about the health or mobility of the person is fair. However I never really seen that much. In my family and the ppl around they tend to not get sick that much.
My grandfather married a lady 11 years old than him. In fact she ended up in really bad health and he out lived her. He is 95 lives by him self, doesn’t need a cane, has no health issues, and has a better memory than I do. I just hate seeing him live alone.
Older men provide security. Now I’m not saying to go get someone 40-60 years older than you. However I prefer older men.
Most of the marriages you talked about out seemed like the women were married to shitty men. Any one that is a quality person will not leave their spouse because their age.
My mom will be 70 and my dad will be 83 this year. There is nothing wrong with that. Hell I was 29 dating a 44 yr old man. Everything was fine he was just still hung up on the mother of his child. Other than that he was a pretty cool guy.
I’ve always preferred dating older and I married a man 10 years older. The guys my age are immature, don’t have their shit together, and just care about impressing their buddies. I see my friends who are married to men the same age or younger basically treat their husbands like an unruly little brother. But maybe that’s just me and my circle
Going to be honest, I’m attracted to older men although I ended up married to someone only a year and a half older. He’s a little young for me 😅. My max would be like 7-8 years though. My dad is 20 years older than my mom and right now she’s a caretaker unfortunately, while she wants to be out doing things that he can’t or doesn’t want to.
With that being said I also hate men that feel like they only want to date younger women. My dad wasn’t like that (he generally dated his age before my mom). Yuck.
>I am told by many that at my age (40), I should be looking into the pool of men in their early 50s
You are being told by who exactly?
I don’t think about age very much. After a certain age for me it’s more about connection, chemistry, intimacy, friendship, morality, etc. It’s a calculation of happiness, current and future and deciding 11 years is nothing in the face of a life without them at all.
I think you are relying too hard on confirmation bias on this one.
Pro-tip: you can also date younger, like 10 years younger.
I dated older because at 29 I already owned a home and was settled into my career. Most men near my age were still living at home, attending school, or living it up as if they were in their early 20’s.
My partner is 11 years older than me, my cut off would definitely be 15 years older
Every friend I have who married a much older man is now his caregiver and their quality of life and future is significantly diminished. I feel sad for them. They’re taking care of kids and a husband. No thank you.
I have always been attracted to older men. I find them more attractive, mature, and able to provide a lot more in a relationship.
Age is a number for me. Energy, mindset, health, and quality of life are more important to me than that number. If the number is important to you, that’s fine. You do you. To each their own.
My husband is 11 years older than me.
The age gap wasnt intentional; we met through a mutual friend and we fell in love. I’m with him because he’s a wonderful man who treats me like his equal. He does honestly a bit more than 50% of the domestic labor, is in touch with his emotions and artistic side, and loves our kitties so sweetly.
He is WAY better looking than me. Even some of our straight male friends can’t resist telling him how handsome he is.
Everyone in his family lives to 95+ and everyone in mine managed 65-78 years, so he still may very well outlive me.
Still, we are saving for retirement more aggressively so that I can retire at the same time he does.
I am 37 and i always dated my age or younger. I never liked older guys. The older the less attractive or in common i found.
I cannot really explain the reason but i think it came with the fact also that older men want to have a more lead or strong position in the relationship and i just hated that, so i feel more comfortable with someone my age or younger but mature enough like me. My husband is 4 years younger than me.
I think part of it is the misconception that women hit a fertility cliff and men don’t. Men absolutely have increasing fertility-related issues as they age.
There’s also the historical angle where marriage almost invariably involves the woman becoming property of her husband. It was much easier for men to be choosy.
I was in a relationship with someone almost twice my age when I was 25. For me, it was almost solely that I’d recently gotten out of a long-term relationship with someone who was extremely unreliable (no career or long-term goals, partied too much, etc.) and meeting someone who was very stable and established felt really comforting.
As time went on, I realized how incompatible we were. We fundamentally saw the world differently. We liked different media and had different senses of humor. Generational “inside jokes” were lost on one another. We valued different things. Some cultural changes that seemed great to me were sometimes jarring to my partner. I was bright and optimistic and still thought I could change the world; he was jaded and just wanted to relax. Some could be explained by individual variance, yes, but there’s so much culture wrapped up in each generation that is taken for granted by that generation and difficult to explain to another. It’s a lived experience: you either have it or you don’t.
At 25, I was still unable to think about the distant future, but by 27, I had a much more evolved sense of my own mortality and different stages of life. I wanted a partner, and I do believe for a truly equal partnership, you need to be around one another’s ages.
My experience is that the life experience the older partner has creates a power imbalance: the fact that one person is experiencing some things for the first time and the other has already been there and done that creates an unequal dynamic. It also tends to mean that the younger one, usually still figuring out who they are, attaches themselves to the person with the established life and absorbs it as part of their own personality/interests—essentially bypassing their own development. One partner being significantly older also basically necessitates that the younger partner will miss out on later activities appropriate for their peer groups, and will inevitably become a caretaker when they are still in their prime.
Anyway, I really don’t think relationships with significant age gaps (20+ years) are sustainable. Because there are always exceptions, I’m sure there are exceptions in this case as well—but from talking with many peers, I think most age gap relationships are similar to my experience.
It’s the patriarchy innit. Men are seen as people in the full sense of the word and are respected and valued for having more life experience, while women are reduced to just bodies that only have worth while they’re “fresh”.
It’s funny when people are like “oh age is just a number, you’re overthinking it, what if they just fell in love” etc etc when none of that explains why older man + younger woman couples are overwhelmingly more common all over the world than the reverse age gap. God forbid women notice a pattern and start asking uncomfy questions lol.
Because people do what they want. That’s it, that’s the entire thing. Maybe you feel some sort of injustice that men have a ‘luxury’ of an expanded dating pool, but like… Why be upset at that? You can’t control people’s free will.
In my case it was daddy issues…
I’ve always dated near my age and now my boyfriend is 10 years younger (I’m early 40’s)… highly recommend this route
My fiancé is 42 and I’m 32. I wasn’t looking for someone older, just happened to become best friends with someone older. 5 years later we both found ourselves single and love started to blossom there. Now we are getting married in September and have a baby on the way. (It’s funny because I’m from a small town in TN and he is from Ireland and attended private boy school and grew up very different than I did)
I think for us it works because he spent most of his adult years traveling, going to school, casually dating, setting up his future, etc. but had a lot of family values, wanted a big family, but knew he wasn’t ready to settle down and almost felt he had given up his chances to have a big family by the time we met. I have 4 children and got married very young and gave up those experiences he had and choose to be a mother instead.
Together he feels fulfilled having the big family he always wanted, and being able to be a father was his dream….I get to experience travel for the first time, and he loves getting to be a part of those experiences with me and showing me things I never dreamed I ever see.
When he proposed he told I gave up so much for motherhood and he admired me so dearly for it, but he promised to take me to experience all those dreams I once had just like I fulfilled his by allowing him to be a part of me and the kids lives.
I love him, and that’s why I don’t care about our age gap.
I know several women who preferred the age gap and are happily married with several kids each. The men they fell in love with did look younger than their actual ages (10+ older than the women) and have youthful energy and personality to match, however they also had established careers, were financially set, were forthcoming about having children, and they were quite independent/mature and comfortable taking the lead when needed or wanted in a partnership. Obviously this isn’t a rule, but this was true for them and the men that they met.
My husband is 10 years older than me. He’s 50, I’m 40. I usually wouldn’t date men that much older but he’s never lost his childhood whimsies, he’s very fit, looks much younger, he’s mature, experienced, open-minded. Honestly he’s more mature, more healthier, and younger-seeming than most men my age who I’ve dated in the past.
I know looks aren’t everything and that’s not why I fell in love with him, but let’s be real. Attraction matters.
When I was in library school, I had a tenuous relationship with another student who was 11 years my senior. I was 24, and he was 35. At one point, towards the end when things were…not great, he said, “One day, when you’re 35, you’ll realize how big of an age gap this truly is.” (Which, like, the level of self-actualization to say that and continue boinking me is WILD.)
Anyway, I turned 35 this year, and the thought of dating a 24 year-old makes me want to hurl. I just had a first date this afternoon with a guy who is 2 years older, and that feels much more reasonable!
You’re overthinking it. People will date who they date.
I have been through a lot in my life and have not had good luck in my age range, and I know that can be brought on by many variables, but I happened to find a man 11 years older than me, who knew was he wanted, had established himself in life, and meshed with me incredibly well. We will be getting married soon.
We love who we love, man. It’s not some icky weird thing just because you’re not attracted or interested in older men.
Edit: I see below a lot of commenters are saying it’s due to $$$. Let me clarify then that I made more than him for four years and he only just surpassed me due to overtime- I’m salaried.
I’m not really in anyone significantly older (or younger) than me because I like someone who can relate to growing up in the same time period as me.
However, I’ve met outliers so I stay open minded but preferred someone close in age to me.
Also, lmfao at that dude who is thinking of starting a family at 45+. We always get flack about our old eggs, but that old sperm ain’t it.
I’d consider it if he’s a few decades closer to dying than me and stands to leave me some money. A few years of my life for a decade+ of financial security? Not the worst deal.
Agree, my husband is 4 months older than me and I love it. My longest relationship before that he was 2 years older and that was fine too. I feel like dating a man over 10 years older would be like dating one of my father’s peers. Hell no.
My female friend in her 40s began to only date guys in their 20s. She had no issues finding guys that wanted to be with her, and she did not take care of them financially. My mom’s husband is 10 years younger, they’ve been married over 20 years now they are 72 and 62). I think some people find older people more attractive-it could be security or money, but they might just like older people. I’m 53 F, and if I were single, I couldn’t imagine dating someone in their 60s. My husband is also 53.
I am 47: I dated men my age and older from age 20 and until my starter marriage at age 27. Obviously I couldn’t go much younger at 20. 😂 Throughout my academic career, most college students and then graduate students were close in age to me, but I also met men who had already graduated or did not have a formal education at all. This was true across three universities (B.S., M.C., and Ph.D.). I divorced at 31 and dated men my age to 10 years younger in my 30s, with a few who were 2-3 years older than me peppered in. Most were 5-10 years younger. I liked who I liked. And as it turns out, I liked cute, buff guys who did not come with ex wives and children, so they were 25-27. 🤣 At 34, the 25-27 year olds were fun but all were either just not mature enough or in a different place than me. I didn’t want to get married again at that time, while they were looking at marriage and kids soon. I decided to only date men my age, but I wasn’t looking. And there were many men my age who wanted to get married and have kids within a year, but I could see why they hadn’t yet. I didn’t want them either. 🫣 My spouse is 4 months older; we started dating at 36 and married at 40. (He did come with a 3 year old child, an ex wife, and a less than desirable family of origin though!) At every age, there were always men available to date and who wanted to get married and have children within a year or two if my age, and within 3-5 years if 25-27. For all the younger women: Don’t ever waste time being tied down by one who wants that when you don’t, and also don’t worry about being unable to meet someone “in time” while you pursue career, education, travel, etc. Perhaps it’s easy for me to say because I did meet my spouse when we were young enough to have biological children or easily adopt, and before that, I turned down plenty of men who wanted to marry me specifically. Best wishes finding love out there! And please have fun (safely!) with all the wrong ones first. 😜
My life partner of 8 years, is 8 years older than I am. We don’t intend on birthing children, maybe becoming guardians to older children at some point. I’d like to do so only after owning a home.
My other partner of 2 years is 30 years older than I am. Definitely not having any of his kids lol. I will be lucky if he’s around another 20 years.
They both take great care of themselves, are very attractive, fit, manage their own finances, & the intimacy is great. I have no complaints, but then again I’m not interested in pregnancy.
Honestly I’m just making the most of the life I have right now; health, security, & tomorrow aren’t promised for any of us.
Maybe I’m insecure or naive . I’m in my 40s and would probably be willing to date up to 60 or so? I don’t really care about age and maybe subconsciously I would feel less insecure about my ageing relative to theirs vs if i were dating a man younger than me I would be more worried about him finding me unattractive due to wrinkles and stuff?
I prefer men who are a decade or two older than me. Maybe because of the stability? I have always had better relationships with them. My worst relationship was with a guy a year younger than me. In my experience, men my age [40] and younger are still looking for mothers to take care of them rather than partners. I’d much rather have a silver fox who has his shit figured out!
Only speaking for myself but I have a fetish for much older men hahaha. I have a hot date with a man 20 years my senior tonight 😭
First I want to say the median age gap (per Google) between married couples is 2.2 years (and shrinking), so I don’t think this is as prevalent an issue as you’re leading on
That said I think the most common reasons given are things like:
Which is of course true in general, but as you say, if you date a man 20 years old than you (he’s 45, you’re 25, say), he’s not going to be a better provider physically or financially for very long. He’ll be 65 in 20 years, when you’re 45, and your kids (if you have any) are still probably living at home when he retires.
It’s not great long-term planning, but there are definitely short-term benefits.
I kind of understand a 10 or so year difference. A lot of women in their mid or late twenties who want to settle down and start a family ASAP want to find someone who’s ready to start one with them. From my own circle, almost all the men I know only thought about doing this after they entered their thirties.
For larger gaps than that, generally I don’t know. If the couple is much older, that’s also different. There might be individual reasons. But it’s definitely less odd the older the couple is when they first meet.
I have dated A LOT and never cared too much about age, but I’ve always been more attracted to older men. Even when I was young and the kids all had crushes on celebrities in their late teens, early 20s, I was madly in love with Levar Burton. I’ve mostly attributed this attraction to growing up as an only child with parents who had kids late in life (my mom was 40, dad 44). I spent most of my formative years with adults, so I often found myself gravitating towards older people romantically and socially. My profession (media) and general interest in the pop culture of the 60s-90s also allowed me to connect well with people older than me.
In college, I definitely pursued older guys for the financial benefits, but it didn’t hurt that I was also attracted to them. I dated guys my own age as well, but I always felt like we weren’t on the same page. I wasn’t looking to get married or anything, I just grew up fast and was pretty independent from a young age so it was hard to take guys with their mattresses on the floor seriously. By my mid-20s, I definitely wasn’t trying to date for dinner anymore but mostly still ended up with guys 10+ years older than me.
When I was 22, I was dating a guy 20+ years older than me, and that relationship 100% had some very concerning power dynamics. We went out one night to see some bands play and happened to catch a band with a really charismatic (and very handsome) frontman who looked to be in his mid-late 30s. We both went up to him after the show to tell him how much we liked his set and find out when he was playing next. We had a brief conversation, but not much else—especially since I was clearly at his gig with another guy.
I ended up going to see this guy and his band a few times over the next few years, until one day, when I was 24, I abruptly asked him on a date. It wasn’t until then that I found out he was 20 years older than me and that he also thought I was older when we met two years earlier. We really hit it off and had so much in common but it just wasn’t the right time. Three years later, when I was 27 and he was 47, he abruptly asked ME on a date and we’ve been together ever since. Next week is our second wedding anniversary.
I don’t know; we just really like each other. He’s a pretty objectively good-looking guy, so that doesn’t hurt the attraction level, but I’ve also never connected to someone the way we connect. He’s extremely open-minded, which seems very rare for men of a certain age. I think being a creative person also keeps him relatively “young” because he has no choice but to stay involved and aware of pop culture, trends, etc.
The fact that I will have to “take care” of him in the next 20+ years doesn’t bother me, especially because he has spent the last four years taking care of me during an extremely dark depressive period. You never know when you’re going to end up having to become a caregiver to your partner; it’s just something we do when we care for someone. So whenever it happens, it happens.
Idk but if I’m single in my 40s I defo don’t wanna date someone’s grandpa. There a lot of young dudes who seem to like older women … they call it hagmaxxing
Reasons I (unseriously) dated men up to twice my age in my twenties in Hollywood: access to fun lifestyles waaay beyond my financial class, entertainment industry introductions, general curiosity, really nice houses with pools to hang out at, and frequently being provided with good 1:1 convo that I found intellectually stimulating enough.
I got to go to a lot of super fancy dinners and great parties at a time when I was digging under my own couch cushions for fast food money. Like, dating older was part of my survival plan and mode of having social fun (and often dinner with leftovers) at that point in my life, for better or worse.
The men I’d go out with took care of themselves, dressed really well, paid for everything without blinking, were consistently kind to me, and truly seemed to enjoy my company (even though I’d sometimes say and do weird sh*t bc I had no clue yet that I was AuDHD lol.) They also didn’t physically appear as old as they were, though tbh I did not hook up with most of them.
I never expected anything long term to come from any of it though – they just found me to be fascinating and wanted very tolerable arm candy they could trust to not cause a scene, and I just wanted to drive fast cars, have great meals, and feel like I was important and special in some weirdly useful capacity that’s hard to describe. Several kept me around longer term to designated drive if they wanted to party harder that night, or would call me to come help entertain clients’ wives and girlfriends at important dinners, once they realized that what I wanted out of the exchange was not their money or body – we all at least got something that we wanted, I think.
I never desired having kids, so I entertained dating men 20s through 50s for the better part of that decade, and only started dating my age or younger around 36.
I don’t really date anymore, but if I did I’d probably only go my age or younger, mostly because I don’t find very many older men physically attractive (bad hygiene, rigid mindsets, gross habits, unaddressed trauma, and poor self-care are a deadly combo.)
My husband and I are 14 years apart in age. We’ve been together 20 years now.
I don’t think “many women” do
May be coz of older men more matured, economically stable and less drama compared to young men. But i think it all depends on chemistry.
I’ll put my hands up to being somewhat triggered by this post, because my partners quite a lot older than me, and I can tell you exactly why I’ve “agreed to it” – because I love him.
He’s a communicative and supportive partner, a really interesting and intelligent guy, we really enjoy each others company, the sex is great, and he brings a lot of joy into my life.
If that’s not your thing, then that’s totally fine, you do you. There’s plenty of women whose partner I wouldn’t want to be with either. But I’m not interested in people trying to make me feel like my relationship is objectively bad, simply because it’s not one they would choose themselves.
Dating is different than marrying. Not many men actually marry younger women.
On the woman’s side it’s because they get tired of the instability and immaturity of younger men. They can also just like the guy. The good looking guy that has their crap together AND their age may not be attainable for them. Set their sights on an older guy though and suddenly they have more options. Women also mature faster than men. It can be tiring when you are wanting to settle down into something committed and all the guys around you are seemingly just interested in hookups. Dating in the same age group was a lot easier the older I became because men were finally maturing and looking for the same things I was.