As I’ve gotten older (especially hitting my 30s), I’ve realized maintaining friendships can feel a little tricky.
Life gets busy, work, school, engagements, marriages, kids, people moving to different cities or even countries. Everybody’s got something going on.
So I’m genuinely curious… for the women who’ve managed to keep strong, healthy friendships over the years, what are some of the habits or mindsets that help you stay connected and intentional?
A little backstory: my best friend and I have been close since we were 11. We’re 30 now and live in different states. Lately, she’s been making comments that make me feel like I’m being a bad friend (unintentionally.)
I recently got engaged (wedding’s coming up!), and I also started college in January, so a lot of my time is already spoken for. She made a comment like, “You could call me more. Is your fiancé the only one you want to be around?” And it threw me off. I was like, “Of course not.” But my fiancé is the person I physically see every day, so naturally, he’s going to get a lot of my time.
Meanwhile, I’ve got other associates in my city who are married, in school, with kids and we stay in touch when we can. But there’s no pressure if life gets busy. We just link when it works.
So I’m wondering… are me and my bestie just growing apart because we’re in two different phases of life? It’s starting to feel like if I don’t make sure to call her at least once a week, she’s going to take it as me neglecting her or not caring. And I don’t know how to handle that.
Have y’all experienced something similar? How do you navigate it?
Comments
A guess at what’s happening:
You’re going through a lot of life changes. (Congratulations on your engagement and school!!) This undoubtedly is changing your behaviors. If she’s not also going through a lot of life changes, the major change she’s experiencing is that her best friend has considerably less time to spend with her. I’ve been in that situation, and it was hurtful.
I don’t think, however, that either of you are in the wrong. You have a lot going on so it’s reasonable that your availability lessened, but I also think it’s valid that she is hurt by this.
Since this is a longterm bestie, I’m going to assume that you want to maintain the friendship, even if that looks different. I would suggest being intentional with reaching out, and also being invested in the things going on in her life (even if they’re somewhat smaller in comparison to what you have going on). When I’ve been in similar situations, it was worse when my friends would call and only talk about their upcoming weddings than when they wouldn’t call at all. Beyond that, I think relationships will sometimes have ebbs and flows. Keep reaching out, keep caring, and keep giving each other grace.
We text or FaceTime each other weekly. I fly out to see her twice a year. When I see her we go on spa dates, hike, and go to shows. We send each other silly memes or cute videos from Reddit daily. It has been habitual for the past decade since she has lived in a different city.
Just be friends with good people who are compatible with you and your friendship style… For example,… ones that aren’t insecure, not overly sensitive, have lives of their own, aren’t high maintenance works best for me.
My bestfriend I’ve known for over 2 decades, same with my close friends. They’re not the people who are crying over me not contacting them a few days or months (and neither am I)…. We’re all pretty laid back in this regard. Being “dropped” when they start dating, get married, have lives,.. has never been a problem for us nor would we get upset over it. We’re Happy for each other and can respect each others’ changing priorities.
I’ve had people/potential friends that are more high maintenance, where it feels like they expect me to be their partner/suitor, to woo them, cater to them etcetc. Get upset if they think I’m not replying fast or initiating meetips frequent enough, late a few minutes (what was ridiculous was that they usually didn’t work or had flexible work hours, whereas I didn’t). Just really high maintenance and sensitive people.… And we’re just not compatible.
Not that I’m saying there’s anything wrong with people who do want more proactive, present friends and friendships… but it’s not me, and not for me personally. Friendships like romantic relationships have compatibility factors…
Plus you’re obviously going to be very busy with school and wedding planning… if she’s really feeling neglected, I’d personally be inclined to completely cut them off briefly. Just say you’re really busy/overwhelmed and need time/space away from others and to focus on yourself and what’s going on in your life for now. That you’re sorry if that means putting your friendship in the backseat for the next few months… but you’re currently just not able to handle all of this now.
Making a Google calendar helps so much. Planning events or gatherings.
Do you have time for a weekly date? Can y’all do phone call or FaceTime dates?
It does take more planning but it can be done
A friend who lives states away expects a weekly call and makes you feel about not having calls that often? That would be a big nope for me. I’m not interested in a friendship that is like a chore and expecting that level of communication is too much IMO. Regular texting is fine but expecting weekly calls – nope for me. I’d be honest with her about her comments. If she keeps making them then I’d just stop calling. Friendships change overtime. A long distance, high maintenance, needy, and dependent friend is too much for me.
You became friends partly because of natural overlaps and proximity. How can you recreate that now? If you want to stay close and prioritize this friendship. You may be growing apart, you may be doing a common thing of underinvesting in friendships (which can be hard when sometimes romantic relationships end in 30s and 40s). Is this someone worth keeping around?
Go to events together (even virtual events), talk hobbies, read the same or similar hooks/TV/podcasts.
I really try hard to message my bff (from high school) at least like 4 days a week. We often send memes, and as dumb as it is, it has kept us close.
ETA we try very hard to see each other at least once a year (also states away). If we meet halfway, it’s not bad.
I’ve started to accept friendships as being seasonal by default, which allows me to enjoy them and then leave them with minimal guilt if and when our paths diverge. The sturm und drang of trying to hold onto a friendship that has past its expiration date is more damaging than a friendship that is born, lives, and then fades away to maybe rekindle and maybe not.
Best Friends Forever is too much pressure to put on a person. Especially friends made in youth when we’re all changing so much and so quickly.
Ive been besties with my best friend since we were 13, we live in different countries now but we text multiple times a week (even just a news story, a meme, or something that reminds us of one another)
She has a partner, a kid, a job, and a social life. I dont have a cohabitating partner or kid, so we are in different phases there- but it hasnt thrown us out of whack.
For me, a quick text doesn’t take too long and doesnt require a lot of emotional bandwidth. We FaceTime once or twice a year for big check ins if we don’t get to see each other that year.
I think friendships definitely have ebbs and flows, but they still need tending. I’ve been the friend with others who’ve flaked one time too many (made plans, flaked last minute) and I’ve told them it hurt my feelings, because you should be able to share your feelings- and we aren’t friends any longer but I think i did all I could to tend to the friendship, so I’m fine with that.
I don’t have to talk to all my friends all the time (though i have 2 other friends that i text daily)- but I think my best friend and I still do have strong communication
Honest and frank communication
I have monthly recurring calls on my Google Calendar with my long distant friends. Sometimes we just yap and catch up. Other times we walk/paint/embroider/picnic and catch up. At the end of the call, we schedule the next one. When life happens and the call needs to be moved, we reschedule immediately.
Friendship takes a lot of intentionality and effort, but sometimes you can make it easier by making these events recurring and part of your everyday life.
I try to text my friends weekly. Most of them I see at church. I made a horror movie club we all meet once a month for and my other friend group and I plan at least 1 meal together a month bc thats always doable to everyone. People who care about you will make time for you and vice versa 🙂
It does get trickier the more your life evolves, that’s true. However, I (F35) have found that the friends who still make time for me—despite partnering up and/or having kids or moving—are the ones I pour my effort into. Similarly, I am very intentional about my small handful of closest friends. We have phases of chatting / getting together more or less depending on our schedules, but we always make the time and effort on a fairly regular basis (i.e. talking anywhere from near daily to once or twice a month, getting together in person once every month or two if in town, etc.). I don’t begrudge a friend for not prioritizing me for a time, but if it ends up being more than just a transition phase then I start treating them as an acquaintance. Life is too short for one-sided relationships!
You haven’t mentioned how often you actually interact with this friend now, compared to before (besides mentioning calling once a week?). If you went from a lot of communication to not much at all, I don’t blame your friend for feeling hurt. If you value the friendship like you seem to, I’d recommend chatting about things with her and telling her that you really love and value her, but now that you’re planning the wedding and in school you have less time than before. Talk through how you can feel like you’re still feeding the friendship while keeping each other’s schedules in mind.
If she reacts badly to you needing to adjust, that’s telling. But I feel like most good friends would not only understand, but they’d really appreciate that you care enough to have that conversation rather than just slowly phasing them out over time.
Ultimately, some friendships don’t survive these transitions, and that’s OK. But what you don’t want is to suddenly realize you let something precious go without meaning to. Think through how much you want to keep this friend around for the long haul, and adjust your efforts accordingly. Good luck!
What we do:
What I do:
It’s a balance between grace and effort. Friendships deserve as much loving care as other relationships or endeavours in our lives. They don’t maintain themselves for the long haul!
I think the absolute biggest reason why I have so many more friends than the average person my age is that I do NOT keep score about who “initiates.” I’m sure if I did, I would probably find that I initiated most of the texts/conversations/hangouts with most of my friends. If I haven’t heard from someone in a while, I have zero hesitation about texting them “hey what’s up, how are you doing?” If I haven’t seen someone in a while, I’ll text them and be like “wanna get dinner this week?” I see people all the time saying some variation on “I decided to ghost all my friends because I realized I was always the one reaching out” and man. I have no hangups about that. I’ll be the first one to reach out any day of the week. I don’t care.
That doesn’t mean I ignore signs that someone doesn’t want me around. If someone takes ages to respond to my texts, or is obviously being dry, or they hesitate to nail plans down or flake all the time, then sure, I will stop trying and let things fizzle out gracefully. But I’m not keeping track of when was the last time you texted me vs. the last time I texted you.
I have a lot of healthy, long term female friendships of 5+, 10+, even 20+ years. What I do is this:
Try to actually reach out and call them, and also respond to them when they reach out to me. I will call and text back, even just to say “I’ll get back to you!”
I remind them that they are still special to me. Christmas cards (not even every year!), birthday gifts, etc. It doesnt have to be consistent but enough to say you were and are still important to me.
I ask questions about their life and provide support. I also call them so ask for advice. It’s a two way thing.
Basically, I participate in the friendship and I find many old friendships can be rekindled just by reaching out.
I recommend communicating with your friend acknowledging that you heard her issue, you reflected on it, you’re interested in staying connected, and you want to hear her input about what would help her feel more secure.
“From your comments the other day it seems like you’re feeling that I don’t prioritize you. I can see that I haven’t been in touch as much lately. I’m sorry. Our friendship is important to me, and I want to stay connected. What’s the best way that I can show up for you at this time or in a recurring way?”
Obviously find your own words.
My friend and I went through a similar issue where I felt hurt in response to her cancelling plans on repeated occasions. We talked it out where she explained her behavior and listened to my needs. I listened to her reasoning and shared what would help me feel more secure. I assured her that I know things come up last minute, and I recognized that her enthusiasm you see me meant that she sometimes overcommitted. I explained that I needed more clarity about when plans were tentative, that I wanted her to call me to cancel plans so we could chat, and that I wanted us to try to schedule at one meeting when we would see each other next.
In the end this was really healing for both us and drew us closer.
>It’s starting to feel like if I don’t make sure to call her at least once a week, she’s going to take it as me neglecting her or not caring.
I would say something like, “I love talking to you, I’m just in a very hectic phase of life right now with college and wedding planning. Can we schedule a regular call once a month [or whatever frequency you’re comfortable with]?”