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Tldr from previous post : my boyfriend opened up relationship to become closer with me and revive our “spark”. Out of fear of losing him I agreed. It didn’t get better he started hooking up with a girl straight away and I waited for him drowning in jealously and begging for his time. Eventually I finally start seeing someone else like he did…I’m in a happier place …now my bf wants to close our relationship so we can focus on our future.
You can read the full post on my page.
The tldr for this update is at the end.
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The update:
Thank you to everyone who offered advice, clarity, and support. I wanted to share where things stand now after having some difficult conversations.
I spoke to my boyfriend and told him I don’t want to close the open relationship, I’ve grown to really enjoy dating the other guy, and it’s not something I agreed to just to “experiment I told him it should be a joint decision you can’t just open and close a relationship as you please , especially when someone else’s feelings are involved. I also told him I was incredibly disappointed he brought up my faith knowing how much trauma and guilt I’ve carried from my religious upbringing and how felt manipulative and unfair.
He didn’t respond to my comments about religion, but instead said, “If you want a future with me, this needs to end, or we’re done.” I told him: “Then it’s done.”
He got heated and said I was throwing away nearly four years of our relationship for a guy I’ve only been seeing for a few months, and tried to make me feel guilty. But I reminded him that he was the one who lost the “spark,” who wanted to sleep with other women, and who opened the relationship in the first place not me. I just agreed because I loved him and hoped he would realise I’m the only one for him. I didn’t ask for this.
After some time, he calmed down. We had a long, emotional conversation. He cried. He apologized. He told me he should’ve ended things instead of trying to fix our relationship with polyamory. He admitted he still loves me and that seeing me happy with someone else made him feel jealous, even though he knew he had no right to be. He said he probably deserves the pain, and he respects my decision to end it. We hugged and agreed that even though our relationship is over, the first two years were beautiful. We’ll always have a place in each other’s hearts, even though relationship has run its course.
Later, I met up with other guy I’ve been seeing. I told him everything I ended things with my boyfriend because I didn’t want to let him go. I told him I’m not rushing into anything, that I don’t expect him to give me all his time or energy right away, but I’d love to date and see where things go.
That’s when he opened up and told me that watching me stay with my boyfriend while we were seeing each other was hard. He said it hurt him, but he kept quiet because he liked me so much and he knew what he was getting into. He never intended to be in a polyamorous relationship, but only agreed to it because he really wanted to be with me and didn’t want to lose the chance. He secretly hoped we’d break up because, in his words, “You deserve someone who only wants you and completely.”
He said he likes me a lot, sees a future with me, and wants also to just date each other for now. We’re not rushing into exclusivity, but we’ve both agreed not to see other people and see how this naturally unfolds.
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ETA: I just ended a long term relationship, and even though it wasn’t healthy toward the end, I still loved him. Letting go has been painful. I’m still grieving what we had and need to give myself space to feel all of it. I really like the new guy and I’m happy with where things are going, but I’m not in a rush to label things right now. I need time to process, heal, and just be for a bit instead of committing right away.
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So, even though I’m mourning the loss of my first relationship that meant the world to me for a long time, I feel hopeful. I feel like I’m stepping into something new, something healthy, something that only involves just two people….lol
Thank you all again for helping me find clarity in a really confusing time.
TLDR: he gave me an ultimatum I chose to end it. Now I’m dating and getting to know the other guy
Comments
Honestly, good for you 💅🏽💅🏽
This is the best update it could’ve been!! Though i’m sure it doesn’t feel like it yet, congrats on ending your relationship. I think you’ll be much more happy because of it. And you seem like you have such a level head of not rushing into things. I hope everything works out for you!!
good for you!
Good for you for standing up for yourself. That’s the best update possible. But also happy for you and your new relationship.
He obviously wanted the open relationship so he could cheat on you. He even had the girl already lined up waiting.
Guess he didn’t like it when the shoe was on the other hand, eh?
If it isn’t the actions of his own consequences 😩
Best update. I read today. May you continue to stick up for yourself and your boundaries, no matter who stays in your life or leaves.
This is the best update I’ve read. Good for you OP. You handled it maturely. And ofcourse I’m happy for you!
The best possible outcome!
I am really proud of you, OP. You deserve to be happy.
Slow and easy now with guy number 2. Take your time mourning your first relationship and cultivate a healthy one for your future.
I do recommend that you read about how healthy relationships look like since your first one was not the best. Read or watch YouTube videos. There are a lot of resources out there.
Good luck, and enjoy your new freedom!
I’m so pleased with this update. Good for you!
Circumstances weren’t quite the same, but my wife and I began our relationship in a similar fashion. There was some overlap with her previous relationship. It wasn’t an ideal start, admittedly.
But it has worked out splendidly for us. We celebrate 10 years together this year. We have enjoyed our monogamy very much, too. She is my person. And I am hers.
Wishing you all the best with your new fella. You’re doing the right thing going slowly. It should always just feel natural. You’ll notice if it doesn’t, and you’ve developed some important tools to help you address the situation if (when) it ocurrs. You can then just make minor course corrections.
Boyfriend FA and FO.
Hard to feel sympathy for him.
But he learned a “what might have been” lesson that will probably haunt him in some capacity for the rest of his life
Good for you. Wishing you the best.
Great update, glad your ex took some accountability and im wishing you the best!
I like this update. Good for you girl! Continue to have respect for yourself and enjoy this new chapter!
God speed
Op I’m so happy for you. Guy 2 sounds so lovely. I wish you the best honey.
UpdateMe
Real FAFO for your ex but I’m so happy for you.
You are 21 – and you opened your relationship. Time to shut it down and move on.
>We’re not rushing into exclusivity, but we’ve both agreed not to see other people
Isn’t this the definition of exclusive?
First off OP. Pleased things worked out for the best you.
>We’re not rushing into exclusivity, but we’ve both agreed not to see other people and see how this relationship naturally unfolds.
So you’re not not rushing into only seeing each other, but have agreed to not see anyone else, so you will be only seeing each other…
Op, I can’t even begin to explain how PROUD I am for you. So many people come here looking for advice, hate it, and continue making poor decisions. You heard, learned, and accepted new and difficult information from people who gave you advice that would lead to tough choices. And you trusted us and followed that advice. That takes guts!
I’m so glad things are going the way they are for you! You showed grace, maturity and wisdom in handling your situation and that is worthy of praise!!! 🙋🏼♀️💓
Im loving these fakes posts. I really am. SO many people wanting to open their relationships until the other partner meets someone.
I am very proud of you, for choosing you over your ex. He is the one that threw away the relationship, when he wanted to open it for a spark.
Good for you OTP
… but I confess as a middle aged man who tends to over-analyze, I admit I can’t get my head around “we agreed to not see other people, but we’re non-exclusive”
When did dating go all ‘quantum’ on us? Was it Tindr?
Well he fucked around and found out🤷♀️
And then everyone clapped
A WIN IS A WIN
This type of situation always end the same way.
Totally predictable.
Sorry that happened to you.
What is this mature, positive craziness? On Reddit?! I am aghast
She’s not yours, it’s just your turn
Always rings true
guy’s that try to open a relationship just so they can get some strange, and never see this coming, will always get a laugh out of me
Honest question, why is it so common now not to “rush into exclusivity”?
I always thought dating was a verb, and dating someone was synonymous with exclusivity. I don’t mean going on dates, that part was just trying to decide if you wanted to formally date.
From the outside looking in it just appears like unnecessary layers of labels and commitment.
Listening to my siblings talk about all the stages is exhausting.
YAAAAAAY! I’m happy that you put your foot down and broke up with him. He was definitely using the open relationship to cheat with no worries. He didn’t expect you to actually find someone. But you did because you’re very clearly a sweet person. Wishing the best for you <3
I’m at a loss with this open relationship business. If you’re sleeping with someone, why are they not enough for you? Maybe break up and find another person who satisfies you better.
Good for you. He just wanted to sleep with that one girl.
This is a great update. Happy for you!
I think most people who try polyamory end up, not doing it long-term. Glad you found someone.
> He secretly hoped we’d break up because, in his words, “You deserve someone who only wants you and completely.”
So between the above and the below quotes… please don’t break his heart because you aren’t sure how you feel about monogamy vs polyamory
> ETA: we already know we like each other and don’t want to see anyone else at the same time I don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship.
Smh fatherless behavior
Thank God you got with guy 2. Hopefully, he becomes your husband in the future. I wish you luck going forward in this new relationship 🙏.
Ckm
Sounds like you’re trading up. Your BF wanted to ‘legally’ cheat and when the shoe was on the other foot, he realised some of the pain that it caused you.
Good luck with the new guy.
I’ll never understand dudes who open up a relationship.
Like even if you guaranteed a 1000:1 ratio of me getting laid vs my wife (when in reality it would be the opposite), smashing 1000 ladies wouldn’t be worth allowing a single man to dip their wick in my wife.
I love everything about this except the fact I cannot get my head around exclusive not exclusive. Probably because I was seeing a guy recently that I literally got on trans Atlantic flights for that told me this shite. And he confessed he’s in love with me. Go figure 💀🫠
When you’re seeing someone exclusively, it’s a relationship. Otherwise, it’s a situationship. I get you don’t want to rush into a new relationship- but I think it’s a bit of denial and semantics?
I just hope this isn’t a new norm because my autistic ass needs clear and defined.
Karma hits hard. Good for you. Go find that someone who will love till the end of time.
I love happy endings. Men always think they’re going to be swimming in 🐱once they open a relationship just because they’re attracted to someone else, meanwhile women always find better options and the guys want to close the relationship immediately lmao. I love when women end up in better relationships, free from a person who wants to have their cake and eat it too. Good for you, OP! Find your bliss.
Technically, open relationships require consent of both to open, but only request of one to close. But I’m glad you’ve stood up for yourself otherwise.
I don’t know why, but new guy, and this situation, is throwing up so fn many red flags…
Girl, I love this for you. I’m so glad you saw how toxic your relationship was. I’m sorry that you are mourning the loss of your first long-term partner, but I’m glad he opened your eyes before you two got married/kids/whatever. You deserve the world, and I wish you nothing but the best!
Kids, I tell ya…🦴🍖
Hey, I’ve been in your shoes before, and I’m happy with the person I left my ex for (when they suddenly wanted to close the relationship after gaslighting me into letting them fuck around) for nearly ten years now and I’m happier than ever. You’re doing the right thing, believe me. Enjoy being happy and monogamous for real now with someone who actually thinks you’re enough and is happy with you.
And that new boyfriend’s name? Albert Einstein.
I hate this so much
girl, change is so scary- but i’m so glad to hear things are looking up, even if it’s bittersweet/sad. you deserve love and loyalty, and i hope this new venture brings you that and everything else you’ve ever wanted 💕 even as a random stranger on the internet, im so happy for you
Nice update. Congrats and enjoy.
You deserve happiness.
Updateme
I was hoping to see an update from you, OP.
I’m so glad that you made the best decision for you, even if it wasn’t the easiest one to make. And ignore everyone arguing about semantics with you, I get what you meant about your current status with the guy you’ve been seeing for a few months. As long as you go at your own pace and make sure to communicate what that is with him, I don’t see an issue.
Wishing you the best on this new, healthier chapter in your life💜
Good for you, but ”not being exclusive” and ”agree not to see other people” are the same thing.
I don’t understand these westerners, why do they think opening a relationship is going to make it better?