I’ve been thinking about this post for a long time. I’m a middle-aged woman, I’ve never been kissed, never even asked out. I’m not monstrously ugly, but I don’t have a feminine face, you could call it androgynous I guess. I don’t have any standout physical attributes. I’ve always been shy, but new people I meet always find me cute and endearing somehow (personality-wise, ofc), I think because i’m self deprecating and have a smart or witty sense of humor when I’m around peers. For the longest time I thought I was an incel (but I don’t hate men and I don’t blame them for my lack of love life, like most incels do with women) until a few years ago, when I was diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder and I understood most of the things about me, and that I wasn’t extraordinarlily weird like I thought. But even people with APD manage to find partners, so I don’t really know what is wrong with me exactly, but I know it’s my fault: I don’t put myself out there, I don’t take risks, etc.
At this stage of my life I yearn for connection and I’m really tired of being alone. I guess there’s also a middle age crisis factor in there too. Deep down I’ve always expected to be found somehow, to be run over by the love of my life in an accident, like in the movies; nope, that doesn’t happen in real life, ever. Also, karma is such a lie, I’m a good person, I give selflessly when other people need me, even when it’s not convenient for me, because I don’t care about myself anymore. Yet, I’ve had no luck with most things; everything I have I’ve earned through painstaking ant-like work, and I could really use a break.
Today marks the 9th anniversary of the death of my grandmother, the only person in the world who loved me unconditionally. I miss her but I know she’s in a better place and all her suffering is over. I’m grateful at least I could have that type of love in my life once.
I don’t know how to finish this, I’ll just try to do my best and try to forget about the meaninglessness of life, like the nihilistic principle says. Ask anything, but please don’t be mean? thx
Comments
You’re a worthy person, is all I have to say. You sound like a perfectly decent and kissable woman.
It’s difficult and extremely rare to find deep, intimate connections with people, whether friendship or romance, and be able to mutually work to make it last and not lapse into codependency. Healthy relationships are hard, and avoidance is a challenge.
People have said they liked you, so you are likeable. If your grandmother loved you unconditionally, you are loveable unconditionally. You’re valid.
You deserve love like everyone else and I’m sorry to hear you haven’t found it yet. I wish I could tell you how but you already know there’s no quick solution. All I can say is if you’re still inclined to give it a shot, you should find ways of putting yourself out there. Take a class, find a meetup, volunteer. But it definitely won’t happen if you’re holing up at home.
Such is life. But now at least you have more space for hobbies, now that you don’t have to worry about all that companionship thing.
Have you considered getting a dog? My little one loved me so much and truly unconditionally. I have had the partners, and I love my kid, but there is nothing more pure than a dog jumping for joy everytime you come home (even if it was just to get the mail).
So, you mentioned that you have avoidant personality disorder. I don’t know much about it, but just a quick glance shows that some of the symptoms are an intense fear of rejection to the point of avoiding social situations. How often do you put yourself in situations where you could potentially meet new people? Do you feel like maybe some of your symptoms might be unknowingly sabotaging you? I’m sure this is all stuff you’ve probably considered but it’s worth pondering. I myself have slight anxiety issues and I also have to check myself. Putting that aside though, I wouldn’t say that it’s never gonna happen for you. I’ve actually met people who had never been intimate with someone up to their 30s. It happens. We all have our own journeys in life and it won’t always look like everyone else’s. Either way, I hope you do find some happiness.
We as flawed humans accept the love we think we deserve, sometimes that’s a good thing but most of the time it’s bad, to reach true self happiness you need to understand the emotions of others, even if it breaks you. You are good enough, don’t let anyone ever tell you different. Also get a dog my Chaz is my world.