I posted here last night with this (https://www.reddit.com/r/confessions/s/V1n6U3gkO8 mobile user sorry for awkward formatting) post about concerns over self harm eventually leading me to wrongfully snooping on my husbands phone and finding what i now know to be rather graphic vore and femdom torture porn. I originally added the update to the actual post itself but from seeing more posts on here, it appears I dud it wrong, so here it is posted in (i think) the right way
[Update]: he shot me seven times and ate our cat. No, but in all seriousness, those of you who were telling me to be open-minded and suggest therapy were right. And because a few stuck up reddititors seemingly can’t read more than a paragraph in one sitting, I’m going to try and summarize it rather briefly, except I haven’t because I don’t want to. Also my husband says that my writing is very nice, thankyou very much.
I asked him about it while we were still in bed together. He wasn’t at all upset that I had invaded his privacy once he’d heard my reasoning, it was self harm but the reason why he wasn’t telling me was because he thought it a one time thing, i.e: he’d play into the fantasy for a few weeks then stop all together. The cuts were in part masochism, but also because he liked the way that the ones on his thigh made him limp. The smaller cuts and burns were just from him being slightly careless while cooking. He does like to cook a lot and has recently been trying out new things. In regards to the death and cuckoldery aspect, he told me that although the aggressive disrespect and humiliation were enjoyable, it would leave him feeling empty and upset once he’d finished to it. I said myself that these were things that I was not willing to do, and he agreed to that. Hes told me about a few other things that he’s sexually interested in, but didn’t want to “bother” me with it, and I’ve decided to try them out, see how it goes. I told him that I had posted on reddit about it, which made him laugh. I offered to take it down, but he told me that he found it funny and wanted me to update it.
He’s getting therapy. I know that from about 4 to 13 he was bullied and ousted a lot by his classmates, he’d try to make himself throw up the night before days where there was p.e so he didnt have to go in, and there used to be a girl that would pretend to be friends with him in this really weird sort of way where she would report back to her other friends about him and would be increadibly insulting in a “friendly” way. She sounded like a weird ass hoe, and I told him as much. The comment about him facing possible neglect was also right. He’d told me about it in the past, but never the full extent of it, which he’d rather I not share here. He’s not over these issues at all, and while being paraniod and introverted is just the way he is, I belive the events he faced massively bolstered these reasonable traits in a way that really harms him. I’m taking sick leave off of work and so is he so that we can spend the day together. He was very apologetic for not telling me these things, as was I for going through his phone. He himself wanted to delete some of the images (and keep some others, he likes macabre things, like his (cleaned) bone collection, which his fine) he deleted the more pornographic content, and most of the things surrounding cuckolderly. He said he never wanted to see me with other men, just got very aroused by being so disrespected in such a way. I also suspect that it’s a way of him regaining control over the betrayal that he fears he may face because of his perceived “inadequacies” though he did tell me that he 100% trusted that I would not hurt him like that.
He did use to see a psychologist in cahms or however you write it, but the psychologist would downplay and deny his issues, and he wasn’t very reciprocal to getting better. He saw other private ones which he praised, but again, he didn’t quite receive the help that he actually needed, which in his later teens, was needing hrt to treat dysphoria and the dread it caused. He told me how much better he felt when he got on it, and while before it, the cuts were to forget mental pain and stress and to have controll over his body, after it, they were mostly for pleasure and also some want for controll.
We’re gonna go out to eat later, he’s being very upfront and affectionate. Thank you for all of you whose suggestions were in good faith and about being open and assuring him