One of my best friends (29F) is having her first baby in August. It’s been a very exciting time for her, and I know that myself and our other best friend (30F) are the people she shares the most with when it comes to the baby. My pregnant friend lives interstate, with myself and our other best friend both living in the same state (as each other, not the pregnant friend) so when there was initial discussion about her baby shower, other best friend and I mentioned the likelihood of us splitting the drive between us. It’s a 7.5 hour drive each way, and before anyone mentions flights we likely cannot do this due to flight costs and that pregnant friend lives fairly rural and not super close to an airport.
When the baby shower was brought up, it was mentioned that it would be “June sometime”. I did express that I had a commitment in the first weekend of June (my first time ever attending a convention as an exhibiting author) so I would have to see. Anyway, pregnant friend has issued a Facebook invite to the baby shower. It’s the weekend after the convention. Although there was a throwaway comment about other best friend and I staying with her, there has been no discussion of this since and from what I can tell, no actual plan for us travelling there. Other best friend immediately put “going”, whereas I was a bit more unsure for several reasons:
- The lack of a plan. I appreciate we’ve been invited, but as it’s interstate and a 15 hour round trip, this seems like it requires more than just a Facebook invitation for the day of the baby shower.
- Tying into the first reason, I would need to take time off work. I’m already taking some time the week before for the convention I have on, and the fact that nothing has been discussed about the trip makes me uncertain how much leave I’d even need to take.
- It’s a huge trip the weekend after a convention, and I don’t know that I’m going to be able to physically and mentally handle it right after what is bound to be an extremely socially draining (but rewarding) as well as physically demanding (bringing stock in and out, set up and packing up) weekend right before this baby shower.
There has also been discussion (again, nothing set in stone) about us visiting later in the year for pregnant friend’s 30th, when the baby would be a few months old. Again these are two really big trips and if I have to choose, I think it would be nicer to visit for her birthday/once baby is here. I also have the impression that other best friend put “going” assuming that it was a given she and I would be driving there together, and I don’t know if she’d still be able to go if I don’t.
I guess basically I’m just wondering if it’s rude of me to say that I most likely can’t/wouldn’t be able to go? This is a very important event, and I acknowledge that, but it’s all a hell of a lot of effort. it would be a very different story if she lived closer, but I’m being mindful of the factors mentioned above, and I don’t know if I’m just being too lazy or if it’s fair enough for me to not want to attend.
Comments
Personally, I would explain to the friend it’s just not possible to make it, and then send a really nice gift
There is no way in hell I’m driving 15 hours for a baby shower.
Reason #3 is extraneous- it’s days after the convention. Just say it’s too far.
Even if this were your closest friend in the world, no one — and I mean NO ONE — should expect anyone to drive 7+ hours to their baby shower. Send a lovely gift, schedule a zoom or a Facetime call for that night to talk about everything that happened, and visit once the baby is born. ❤️
Also, congratulations on your first event as an author! That’s always so exciting! Are you doing Imaginarium?
That far for a baby shower? Wedding and funeral net that kind of drive. You can always send her a gift. I would never expect anyone to drive that far to watch me open baby presents and make the same face over and over
you’ve already had conversations about the shower and now you’re saying a facebook invitation isn’t “enough”?
you’ve got a place to stay and someone to switch out the driving with…you said you weren’t available one weekend and so that weekend wasn’t selected. but that’s not good enough for you.
just say you don’t want to go. good grief.
I would check with the other friend before you assume she chose going because she thought you’d be driving together.
Honestly, I would push myself to go to the shower if you know it would be really meaningful to her. Adult friends are hard to come by.
It’s not rude, you have appropriate reasons for not attending. You don’t need to go into all the details why, simply tell her you so wish you could be there but can’t make it due to distance & work. Then send her a sweet card and gift in the mail with a heartfelt message. That will go a long way.
No, it’s not rude. Sometimes we can’t make it to everything and that’s just how it is. Maybe your friend could set up a livestream via zoom or something like that so you can at least see her open gifts
This is why I didn’t do a shower, because most of my friends weren’t local and the zoom version just seems gift-grabby. So no, I don’t think you’re rude, though I’m more pragmatic about showers than many people.
Tell her you’d like to see her when the baby is a few months old. It’s definitely more fun when you can show off the kiddo.
I don’t think you’re being rude and your reasons are rationale, but I do think she’s going to be hurt. It’s a big deal to have a kid, a lot changes, and I feel like by you not attending you’re starting to create that distance that will only get wider as time goes on.
I’ve not gone to baby showers that were a 3 hour drive. So no way I’d be committing a full day drive for a baby shower. Send a thoughtful gift
15 hours for a baby shower is too much. That’s a wedding, life threatening medical condition or to see the baby length of drive. Send your regrets and a nice present off the registry.
Look it is very reasonable to say no because it is so far away, for honestly just a baby shower. It is really not a big deal. Baby showers are more to get gifts. You could just send her a gift and say you can’t make it.
It sounds like it won’t work for you to go. Regardless of whether or not it’s “rude”, there’s a chance that your friend’s feelings will be hurt. Just be kind and apologetic if you tell her, and let her know of any plans to see her in a few months. Hopefully that will placate her if there are any hurt feelings.
There are so many reasons not to go, but if you mention all of them, your decline will seem neurotic/bad-willed. Just mention one: you can’t take the time off work (if you have a boss and an office), or you can’t manage it so soon after the convention. But talk to your other friend first. If pregnant friend isn’t putting you up, where are you supposed to stay in a rural area?