I cut off my mom and I feel guilty
Hey everyone. I love the pod and I always love the advice I hear. I feel like my thoughts are very everywhere right now so I apologize if I jump from though to thought
I 25/NB recently decided to cut contact with my mom. It was a decision I had thought about for a while now and not one I took lightly.
To try to summarize our relationship
– I’m non-binary, autistic and gay and I grew up in a christian household/mindset. So coming out took a LONG time. And my mom is one to say “Its just a phase” Which I don’t care to hear so I just never told her.
– I have a younger brother who was the golden child. Never had to try and got good grades and good at sports and I would have panic attacks.
– I have a more libral view and my mom and brother have a more conservatives view.
– I’ve been working full time since I was 17 and my brother and mom rely on family to pay bills.
– I’m learning to feel and accept my emotions and grow from them and they’re stuck in their ways and “I am how I am”
– My mom and I share a lot of disorders and she uses it as an excuse for shitty behavior. (When I was 12 or 13, she almost threw a stool at me and called me a monstrous bitch because I smacked my brother on the head.) I never once heard a apology, I went to my safe spot and cried until it got dark and finally went inside where it was never mentioned again.
– Kicked me out when I was 17 for reasons I’m not sure of. I think it was because my friend at the time was like “Yo your being mean” and my mom wanted me to stop being friends with her.
– And shes borderline abusive to my dad. He worked his ass off for us when I was younger until he physically couldn’t work. And she would talk shit about him. He was always at work and while hes not perfect either, he tried. He has some dementia symptoms happening and the way my mom would talk about him irked me.
I could go on but those are the more extreme ones. She never fully hit us besides a spank on the butt a few times.
My main issue is that she lacks a lot of emotional maturity. Shes not willing to look back and apologize.
The last straw was when I sent her a tiktok and she went on a rant about Trump and Ukraine and I said I’m done and blocked her.
A few days later my brother asked to go out to eat with me where he asked me why. I explained my reasoning and I said that “I don’t expect you to understand, but I expect you to respect my decision” And then he said that our mom feels bad and she misses me.
Now I do feel guilty. She did have her moments where we did get along and I did feel loved, and I know I could unblock her send her a tiktok and we could forget about it but thats not healthy and I don’t wanna do that.
I also feel guilty I left my dad there. I’m living with friends right now so I can’t bring him with me but either way I feel like he wouldn’t wanna leave cause thats what he knows. They have fogs and cats and thats a whole other issue that I could and wont get into right now. But he loves taking care of them and I wouldn’t want to leave the animals with her either.
How do I move on?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I cut off my mom and I feel guilty
Hey everyone. I love the pod and I always love the advice I hear. I feel like my thoughts are very everywhere right now so I apologize if I jump from though to thought
I 25/NB recently decided to cut contact with my mom. It was a decision I had thought about for a while now and not one I took lightly.
To try to summarize our relationship
– I’m non-binary, autistic and gay and I grew up in a christian household/mindset. So coming out took a LONG time. And my mom is one to say “Its just a phase” Which I don’t care to hear so I just never told her.
– I have a younger brother who was the golden child. Never had to try and got good grades and good at sports and I would have panic attacks.
– I have a more libral view and my mom and brother have a more conservatives view.
– I’ve been working full time since I was 17 and my brother and mom rely on family to pay bills.
– I’m learning to feel and accept my emotions and grow from them and they’re stuck in their ways and “I am how I am”
– My mom and I share a lot of disorders and she uses it as an excuse for shitty behavior. (When I was 12 or 13, she almost threw a stool at me and called me a monstrous bitch because I smacked my brother on the head.) I never once heard a apology, I went to my safe spot and cried until it got dark and finally went inside where it was never mentioned again.
– Kicked me out when I was 17 for reasons I’m not sure of. I think it was because my friend at the time was like “Yo your being mean” and my mom wanted me to stop being friends with her.
– And shes borderline abusive to my dad. He worked his ass off for us when I was younger until he physically couldn’t work. And she would talk shit about him. He was always at work and while hes not perfect either, he tried. He has some dementia symptoms happening and the way my mom would talk about him irked me.
I could go on but those are the more extreme ones. She never fully hit us besides a spank on the butt a few times.
My main issue is that she lacks a lot of emotional maturity. Shes not willing to look back and apologize.
The last straw was when I sent her a tiktok and she went on a rant about Trump and Ukraine and I said I’m done and blocked her.
A few days later my brother asked to go out to eat with me where he asked me why. I explained my reasoning and I said that “I don’t expect you to understand, but I expect you to respect my decision” And then he said that our mom feels bad and she misses me.
Now I do feel guilty. She did have her moments where we did get along and I did feel loved, and I know I could unblock her send her a tiktok and we could forget about it but thats not healthy and I don’t wanna do that.
I also feel guilty I left my dad there. I’m living with friends right now so I can’t bring him with me but either way I feel like he wouldn’t wanna leave cause thats what he knows. They have fogs and cats and thats a whole other issue that I could and wont get into right now. But he loves taking care of them and I wouldn’t want to leave the animals with her either.
How do I move on?
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You made a hard decision to protect your peace. Guilt doesn’t mean you did the wrong thing it means you care. But caring about someone doesn’t mean you have to keep being hurt by them. Keep your boundary. Heal. That’s love for yourself.
I went no contact with my mother in May last year. I have felt guilt now and then, yes, but then I remember what I am protecting myself from and the peace and safety I have now. That is far better in my opinion. Stand your ground, OP. NTA.