A little about me: I’m 37F, recently divorced after a 15 year monogamous relationship, and started dating about 3 months ago. I started by looking for something casual – more of a FWB situation – and I have four steady sexual partners. One in particular has me feeling confused, and I’d love some advice.
One partner is poly and has an anchor partner. We connect well on both a friendship and sexual level, and I enjoy hanging out with him a lot. I’ve also been seeing a married couple with a similar type of connection – we go out and do things (concerts, dinners, etc) and also connect sexually. But the last person, I’ll call him Brian, has me feeling confused.
Brian is single and around my age. I’m incredibly attracted to him, we have a lot in common, and the sex is absolutely unbelievable. We have been hanging out about 2 times a week for the couple of months. We usually hang out at his house, catch up on shows we like, talk, and hook up.
It’s the sex that has me so confused. We will sometimes make out/have sex for up to 3-4 hours, with sometimes 2 hours of that being foreplay/making out. It’s so incredibly intimate and affectionate. He compliments me so much, touches my face, consistently asks for consent for everything, and checks in with me often to make sure i’m ok and still enjoying everything. I have never experienced anything like it, not even with someone I was married to for many years. I feel so safe and cared for with him. Over time, he’s become more affectionate afterwards as well, and lately, i’ve been falling asleep next to him holding hands or being the little spoon.
It’s literally a dream come true for me to have this kind of sexual connection with someone, hence why I’m looking for advice. I know this is casual, and we have not talked about dating. I assume he’s seeing other people as well. The truth is that the intimacy and connection I have with him during sex is tricking me into thinking we have something more than just a casual connection. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around how something so intimate and affectionate could just be casual. I also don’t have much experience with dating/casual relationships, so I’m wondering if this is normal? Has anyone had this experience and how did you deal with it?
Comments
What’s confusing to me is that you’re having all these big feelings and you’re yet to even have a conversation about it.
Why do I keep seeing this on this sub? It’s absolutely baffling.
My FWB and I used to be like this—we’d even do this thing called “romance play” where we would be so sweet & (non-sexually) intimate with each other. Within a month, I had to break things off because I fell in love with him, then it turned out he also wanted to try for a serious relationship with me, and three years later we’re thinking of getting a cat together!
You can look into relationship anarchy if you haven’t already & discuss it with Brian to see if it’ll work for you. Keep a journal & pay attention to your feelings, because they may develop to be too strong to continue a casual liaison like this.
Did you ask him what he’s looking for in dating?
Only way to know is ask
Girl, TALK TO HIM.
Try r/ENM
You have feelings for this man. He may, or may not, have feelings for you.
You have presumably used your mouth on his dick, now it’s time to use your mouth to speak words, lol. If you’re having this kind of regular sexual contact you can also have a conversation.
Tell him how you’re feeling; this feels intimate and safe and and affectionate and more like a relationship. Does he feel the same, or is he willing to consider that situation?
Do you want to be monogamous with him? Does he want to be monogamous with you? These are pretty basic questions, they’re just scary because you might not get the answer you want and it will hurt. That sucks, but it’s part of being an adult and having relationships.
Don’t ask strangers on reddit. Ask the dude you’re sleeping with.
I fell in mad love with my fwb I blame the incredible sex as well, we’ve been together 20 years in July
You said it already- “The truth is that the intimacy and connection I have with him during sex is tricking me into thinking we have something more than just a casual connection.”
I think you need to park this aside.. you both hang out at his place.. so it’s really just fwb… to clear your mind, you may wanna ask him if that’s all he needs from this relationship… if you like him past this & he is not interested, its best to leave as you have introduced feelings and emotions into
Yalls fwb.
Do you want to be monogamous with him? Do you want to change anything you’re doing? Does your connection with Brian make your other relationships feel less fulfilling?
I think even in casual relationships I think it’s important to check in and talk and see how you both are feeling about the relationship every month or two.
What do you want? Think about it and then talk to him about it.
You need to talk things out before it gets painful.
You
need tohave to have a conversation with the person you are having this relationship withBased off your history– you just got a divorce two months ago, he was abusive, and you’re exploring your sexuality.
You probably could use a therapist to help with all of these transitions. Lots of emotions to unpack and process and you kind of went from 0 to 100 lol.
You also need to talk to Brian. You’re an adult — use your words. If you feel like something is developing, touch base to see if he’s interested in furthering.
There’s nothing wrong with casual sex in theory, truly. But based off your posts and comments, you might not be in the right headspace for that quite yet.
This is absolutely a guy who would have a conversation with you about everything. Talk to him. Maybe he feels the same way.
Talk to him about it? Make it official or move on.
Some people are just good at sex and fit your body. I’ve been married for a while but my first FWB in college gave me an important life lesson. I also had an insane sexual connection with him and had big feelings. I voiced them and very sweetly and gently, he kissed me and said “Why can’t just we be two people who really enjoy how we make each other’s bodies feel?” That was a kind way of saying no to a relationship but yes, let’s continue the sex. So, we kept doing what we were doing. He was very kind and we were very fond of each other. It ended with no drama when I met someone who wanted a relationship and I’m still amazed that a 22 year old guy was mature enough to teach me that valuable lesson.
As a guy who has been in these situations before. Think long and hard about what was expected at the start of this.
I made sure to be extremely explicitly about what I wanted. Even then though some would “catch feelings.” This ruins the vibe casualness of the situation and probably will have him move on. If this was explicitly a casual thing.
What you’re experiencing is a reflection of the work necessary within yourself. You are physically intimate without being able to be communicative/emotionally intimate. Not sure if lack of communication and vulnerability/emotional safety was also a struggle in your marriage. But now that you are dating, it’s the utmost important that you practice communicating your feelings, needs, etc. rather than guessing or asking others. Only he can provide the clarity you seek.
Good sex doesn’t mean compatible for a long term relationship. It’s easy to get swept away by all that oxytocin you’re currently high on. Before you consider getting into something more serious think about what you actually want in a relationship. Consider the reason your last relationship ended and what you can learn from it. Get some clarity on who you are as a person outside of any relationship.
Honestly this does sound like more than a “casual” connection. However, FWB are typically less casual in my experience. More “lovers” which implies some level of intimacy and closeness.
I think where you might be getting confused is that there’s a spectrum between “casual” and “interested in a committed romantic relationship.” If your primary romantic experience prior to this has been conventional monogamy, that can be really hard to understand.
How would you feel if Brian were married with an anchor partner and not single? Would it be easier to compartmentalize?
I don’t spend the night at my FWB’s place, and I don’t see them twice a week. Making it look casual helps my brain to understand that IT IS casual
Are you compatible with him in other ways? Do you know him on a deeper level at all? I would assess factors of compatibility. If you think it could work, it’s worth raising with him. You can emphasize that you feel close to him and are starting to care for him and really enjoy your time together and ask how he would feel about moving things in a more serious direction or becoming exclusive. And think about if you would want to continue as you have been if he says he does not want to be serious. Best of luck to you!
I can completely relate to this. I had a FWB like this as well, and not to say that your guy is the same way, but this is what I discovered about just HOW intimate he was during sex. (Seriously, never experienced anything like it, not even in my previous 13-year relationship.)
Sex was how he experienced intimacy with people. He was very fearful of vulnerability in general, and don’t get me wrong, he cared about me and was insanely sweet and giving, but he was very avoidant with his feelings (with everybody, didn’t matter the relationship). So sex was one of the only avenues he experienced connection and intimacy with people, and he made sure he was damn good at it.
This was how he had sex with anyone he had sex with. Women from his past all said the same thing: best sex they ever had. Because of the sweet, sweet connection he generated. (Not to say he didn’t care about every one of these women, because I 100% believe he did.)
I’m sure this guy really likes you (I mean duh, clearly) and cares about you, but I do think you need to be cautious because your brain could trick you into thinking y’all are in love, when, the reality could be this is how he has sex with everyone because that’s just how he has sex, and finds a lot of connection and intimacy from having sex in that way.
I will say, with my FWB, it totally tricked me into thinking we were in love. We weren’t. And it kind of soured things between us. So I’d talk to this guy if you want a relationship (but imo, that’s a bad idea 3 months post-divorce), but you may have to cut him loose if it’s just going to cause you all these feelings you don’t want.
The only thing I can tell you is that sometimes sexual chemistry and great sex is not enough. Just like sometimes love is not enough. I think time will tell for a relationship like that. So for now just enjoy it and stop overthinking because nothing good last forever. Cheers!