On April 14, 2024, my boyfriend of three years cheated on me. I found out just five days later, on April 19. I already had a gut feeling, and it was confirmed when I saw him quickly close the Telegram app while we were together. He fell asleep soon after, so I checked his phone. That’s when I read the entire conversation, and it broke me.
They met on Reddit. The girl had posted looking for a quick hookup in their city, and he messaged her. He initiated everything. He later said it was purely physical and that he just “wanted sex.” But I couldn’t understand why he’d do that when he already had me, especially since we even saw each other that same day. The girl was about 3–5 years older than us and had no idea he had a girlfriend. After reading their messages, I used his account to message her and told her the truth. She blocked him immediately.
I first asked for a breakup right after I caught him, but he begged me to stay. He said he would change, that he didn’t want to lose me, and I stayed. I forgave him. It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. But he promised to be better, and in fairness, I’ve seen his effort this past year.
He’s become more thoughtful. He brings me flowers, surprises me with small things I like, listens more, and even drives me home weekly despite the two-hour distance from my university. He’s patient and always reminds me that the betrayal was his fault and that he’ll wait until I trust him again. But the problem is: I don’t know if that day will ever come.
I still think about what happened. A lot. Especially when we’re not together. My mind spirals constantly. Even though I check his phone almost every day now, I can’t stop overthinking. I believe he’s changed, but the wound is still there. It’s not bleeding anymore, but it hasn’t healed.
One major trigger recently was when he had to visit the hospital where the girl works. I’ve known she worked there since the beginning, and it has always been a huge trigger for me. Finding out that he had to return there twice this past year for his mom’s checkups crushed me. He told me he didn’t want to go either, that it made him uncomfortable, but he had no choice. Still, it led to another big fight. That was the second time I asked for a breakup. And again, he begged me to stay. He said he thought we were doing okay and didn’t realize it still hurt that much.
And the truth is it still hurts deeply.
He’s doing everything right now. He makes me feel safe, loved, and cared for. But the fear is still there. That he might do it again. Or worse, that I may never be able to trust him again.
Now I feel like I’m the one ruining the relationship. He’s trying so hard, but I’m still broken. I’m haunted by what happened. I don’t know if this is still “normal.” I don’t know how long it takes for trust to come back, or if it ever will.
To anyone who’s been through something similar: Did the trust ever return? How did you handle the overthinking, the fear, the doubt? Is there anything else I can do to fully heal? Because right now, I feel stuck—half in, half out. I love him so much, but I don’t know how to stop the pain.
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Personally, trust cannot be rebuilt after that kind of betrayal. You deserve someone who would NEVER betray you like that.
While I have not been in this situation, I read from a top notch couple’s therapist that the cheater must always show up empathy towards the parts of you hurt by his behavior, and do so reliably for the rest of your lives. Also, this means you would be given carte blanche by him to be as open with your feelings of hurt and anger due to the betrayal, even when you’re 80, and he needs to always been caring and welcoming towards these feelings with no expectation or pressure that they’ll ever go away. According to the therapist, without this happening, and consistently, the relationship won’t be able to recover.
No, the trust in him never returned, and he cheated again. And this time, I finally got the message and left him.
I am married to a different man now, and I do completely trust him. He has never done anything to betray that trust. He was cheated on as well and had to heal just like I did.
>My mind spirals constantly. Even though I check his phone almost every day now, I can’t stop overthinking.
This isn’t healthy.
he’s trying because you caught him, not because he was feeling guilty and wanted to come clean, it’s okay to leave
Not at all. They chose to ignore the cheating. And two years later, he finally broke up with me. I should have left when he first cheated on me, looking back. I had never given a cheater another chance before. And I will not make the same error twice.
If you’re not over it right now I don’t think you should force the healing. I’m sorry that you’re going to this. But it’s not worth the hurt you’re feeling
My boyfriend (now husband) was on dating apps after we dated for 6m…said it would never happen again. Fast forward 6 years later…I found out he was using sex workers (to my knowledge a week after marriage) and cheated on me while I was pregnant and after our baby was born.
Take that as you wish.
Hi friend,
I caught my gf cheating on me, like a full-on relationship in a different town. The other dude had no idea I was in the picture. He was equally as devastated as I was.
I wanted to make it work. I loved her so much. I had already envisioned our future, which probably made it harder for me to actually see the truth.
The next five months were absolute hell. I wanted to know the hows and why’s… the details. This broke me even further. The things they did, she would not do with me, it was devastating to hear. I couldn’t figure it out. The lies I caught her in over the next five months crushed me, not so much the truth but that she couldn’t, wouldn’t be truthful with me. She protected her affair with an iron fist.
The next year, an uneasy peace was on us, I never trusted her fully, I couldn’t I tried, I just couldn’t, but, things were better, never near as close to what I thought I had at the beginning, but, we were rebuilding. The next year, she began to emotionally and mentally pull away. Our last two months together she met and was talking with another guy behind my back, once they began fucking, she left me for him. It has not been an easy ride so far. After the split, I found out there were at least two other guys over our last summer together. Now, it’s been about five months since she met this new dude. They’ve moved in together and have blended their families.
So, even though we stayed together, the trust never came back, I couldn’t ever trust her 100% with how easily she told me she loved me while fucking another guy and how easily she lied. Reconciliation is a dream, a fantasy that almost always fails. The cheated has no respect for the committed partner. They’re a safety net, a home base for their shittiness. Can it be possible, I highly doubt it. You now know how easily they lie and how believeable they can be. It’s not worth it. You are worth so much more than to be someone’s second choice or fallback plan.
I’m so sorry you have to ask this question. You did not deserve this, and please believe me, please, you did nothing wrong to cause this. This is completely on them. They are flawed, broken, and can not be fixed. I wish you the best in healing, friend. You are worth so much more, believe me. Much love.
To answer your question, no.
You’re already checking his phone every day. You can’t prove a negative, so you’ll always be looking for proof and just because you don’t find it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’ll feel like every little thing is a sign again.
You’ll never be able to only plan for your future together because you’ll always need to plan for solely yourself too in case he cheats again. Even thought you have been with him for 3 years, it will take more than that to trust him again and even then you’ll never fully trust him, not should you. I’d leave.
I tried for a year, but found out eventually that I couldn’t forgive the betrayal. I didn’t see him the same anymore – I had completely adored him and thought it was mutual. Ultimately, I couldn’t get over finding out what my relationship was really like, compared to the idealised version I’d held in my head.
Get rid, move on.
No. He’ll be nice for now, and then one day he’ll be tired of making the effort. He’ll think you should have forgiven him by that point and moved on. He might even do it again because all it took to get away with it the first time was some flowers and a few apologies.
Also, there is no “asking” for a breakup. You either break up or you don’t, and if either of you says you want a breakup, then you’re broken up. That’s the end of it. No asking, no begging.
You can stay if you want, but take it from the women that have been through this. It takes a lot of work and commitment to come back from cheating. Most couples aren’t willing to do that kind of work, and whether or not it’s worth it is debateable. Maybe if you have kids and a decade together, it might be. When you’re young and have no ties, it certainly isn’t. I was cheated on after 3 years together and stayed. I thought that with the circumstances of the cheating and how much I wanted my partner, how much we’d been through together, I could get past it. I couldn’t. Ultimately, I grew cold toward him, and the final breakup was, of course, about how I just wasn’t right for him. He was immediately with someone else, which only brought more questions of cheating up that I couldn’t even get answers for. It landed me in therapy after a mental breakdown and utterly destroyed my self-worth.
My advice? Leave now while you are still the one in control and preserve your dignity. You’ll thank yourself a year from now when you’re with someone that you can actually trust.
It is possible for someone to change, but the person has to take accountability for what they did and work hard to build trust. I really think it’s hard for us females to understand just how many men really use women just for their bodies and do mean what they say when they tell us “it was just for sex”. It’s disturbing, and it’s not okay.
One of the things I realized when I left my ex who cheated on me was how much work it was for the person who got cheated on. The spiraling emotions, how it consumes your mind, the work you have to do to trust them again, questioning yourself and the cheater. Checking the phone, computer, bank accounts, car.
What work does the cheater have to do??? Be a decent person. Thats basically it. It’s wildly unfair and entirely too much work.
In my situation, the trust never came back and extreme damage was done to my sense of self-worth. Several years later, I caught them attempting to cheat again.
Fortunately, I got out of that relationship and am now married to a wonderful, loyal man.
There are billions of men on the planet. Why settle for one that showed you the ultimate disrespect? Is he really that great of a guy? He was willing to cheat on you simply because he was horny, so I’ll say he’s not. The basic terms of a monogamous relationship are to be faithful to one another. He violated the terms of that agreement. In my opinion, that ends the relationship right there. He’ll likely do it again, but this time, hide it better. Why suffer with worrying yourself sick about it every day?
I read somewhere that when you take a back a cheating man, part of them loses respect for you.
Girl.. I’m sorry, but respectfully, what the fuck.
If he had any remorse about cheating he would’ve admitted it to you instead of you finding out by checking his phone. Meaning he would’ve been content to keep that information from you the rest of your relationship and probably even cheat some more.
Reclaim some of your dignity by leaving this asshat. You’re never going to feel good enough for him, and you’re never going to fully trust him either, even if you tell yourself you do.
I haven’t been in this situation, but it’s worth noting that he didn’t confess, he got caught. I wouldn’t trust him again, personally.
The wound is an ulcer. It will never heal. No, the trust never returns.
You can choose him (who has done wrong) or you can choose your own sanity. Are you interested in ending each day with a bad gut feeling and looking at his phone each day? What if he has a burner phone? What if he cheats in different ways? What if he doesn’t? Isn’t it exhausting?!?
You are letting pieces of you and your self worth being gnawed off slowly, slowly and unnoticeably, until one day you will no longer recognise who you are, because too much has been taken from you.
How do I know? Three years ago, I was facing a choice myself. To continue to be with the man who said he loved me and was to marry me, but now also had feelings for another girl, or to separate myself from this paradox, because I realized that a mindfuck like that will lead me to an imminent state of the crazies.
What did I choose? I ended it, but of course, in my mind, I went back and forth. I was cautious, kept my distance, but stayed in contact for a few months. I listened to his beautiful words and promises, up until the point where he told me that he had sent a dickpic to the wrong girl [he thought the situation was embarrassing] and had, in his time of loving me and trying to win me back, fucked other women [some were good, some not].
It don’t regret those few months. I needed that hard reality to realize the situation. I needed that time to become a separate entity and to realize the depravity of this man.
It wasn’t easy. It was hard as hell. But at least, I have ME. And when I shed those 190 lbs of partner, I slowly realized what I really deserve. I am never, ever, going to go through life while chained to the thought that I am with someone that must be surveilled. Fuck. That.
I’ve given two guys who cheated on me a second chance. Both cheated again within a few months. It’s not worth it.
I stayed too. I was married for 16 years when I found out. She reached out to me …not even him… because she was a victim in this too. That was the beginning of the end, even if I didn’t admit it to myself right away.
We tried to fix things for 4 more years. Four years of trying to rebuild something that was already shattered. But here’s what I learned: once your trust is broken like that, it’s never the same. At least not for me. You can’t unsee the betrayal. You can’t unknow the hurt.
And grief and hurt have these weird ways of showing up in waves. You will be better today and a mess tomorrow. You will be better for 2 months and completely break down after 2 years. It’s not linear. And it makes things so incredibly difficult because all those feelings are valid, always. If you decide to stay please remember this. Anything you feel at any time: hurt, rage, anger, grief… they are all valid no matter if it’s one month or 10 years after the incident.
I also realized I didn’t want to live like a detective in my own relationship … checking phones, questioning every silence, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wanted peace. I deserved peace. So I left.
Even though he was the only one I’d ever known.
We were together 20 years. He was my first, my only. I never wanted anyone else. But leaving was the best I could have done for me and for my son. I didn’t want to slowly die inside and erase myself next to a person I didn’t trust anymore.
Now, I’m rebuilding with my eyes wide open. I’m no longer willing to settle. Not for comfort, not for history, not for fear of being alone. I’d rather be on my own than live in constant worry. Because without trust, there’s nothing but stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion.
You deserve better than that too.
I am of the camp that once trust is broken, trying to fix it is like piecing a water jar back together and expecting it not to leak. Can’t be done. Even with mortar, you’ll always be able to see the cracks and it will always be fragile, on the cusp of breaking again.
Your guy didn’t feel sorry, he didn’t fess up. You had to find out for yourself that he cheated. “Being better” is irrelevant IMO because he could have chosen to be better from the start. He also did it and didn’t even care about her–that doesn’t make it better, that’s just as bad.
More than that…if you cheated, there is a 95 percent chance he would leave you on the spot. And that level of hypocrisy is almost impossible to overcome.
For me, the problem in a scenario like this is that I would instantly lose sexual attraction for him, so there would be no “year of being better” because I wouldn’t be able to sleep with him again until I trusted him and he would leave because most guys wouldn’t be willing to wait. I genuinely have NO idea how women sleep with the guy again after he’s cheated. I literally couldn’t imagine being intimate with him after the fact.
Of course it still hurts. He’s not the guy you thought you were dating. Your relationship started from scratch the moment you found out, and you probably don’t like the real version of him on some level. Flowers can’t fix that you will always know you’re one “bored day” away from him fucking somebody else and disregarding you entirely.
For me, having sex with someone else at a time when our relationship was going really well, because he “just wanted sex,” would be a relationship-ender because it seems impossible to prevent that from happening again. If he thought it was OK to step out on a happy relationship just because he was horny, that’s a flaw in his character that I don’t see ever being corrected. I wouldn’t even bother trying to overcome that, especially if I wasn’t even married to the person.
Leave him sweetie I don’t need details. Leave him
Honestly, he put your health at risk which means he put your life at risk. That “trust” doesn’t deserve to come back. There are billions of men in the world, cut your losses
What is your perception of staying with someone who made a concerted effort to cheat? This is like premeditated murder vs. manslaughter of the relationship… He didn’t get drunk and wild at his friend’s bachelor party; he sought out a woman to cheat. Who knows how many times he’s done this before?!
NOPE. I tried. I went back, forgave him and the same stuff started happening 8 months down the line. “can’t you let this go? stop throwing it in my face!” is what i heard him say in arguments. It causes more fights and less trust and more suspicion. I’m glad I got out.
It sucks living that way, especially sleeping with the enemy. I tried it, but it was too much misery! Do yourself a favor and rip off the bandaid asap. You’ll eventually have peace. He’s not the man you thought and he never will be. It’s sad, and I’m sorry.
No
Not only did he cheat, you found out on your own without him coming clean first. It was “only physical” is bullshit, he risked your physical health by sleeping with a stranger. I doubt your trust will ever come back and the longer you put off breaking up your self esteem will become lower and lower.
Why are you doing this to yourself? Dump the cheater and find a man who is faithful or stay single.
He’s damaged goods. Who cares that he’s trying hard after cheating on you? You’re trying to drive a car, but someone stole one of the wheels.
The betray you feel is valid and it hurts so much.
Please do yourself a favour, just break up with him and try to move on.
Heal, take care of yourself and find the peace you deserve.
I’m going to say this bluntly. Had you not seen the messages he would have happily kept on cheating 🤷🏾♀️. Sadly women make this mistake often but he won’t die because you broke up with him. Break up with him.
He orchestrated meet up, used an encrypted app, and got his rocks off. Even when exposed he ran back to you and you accepted it meaning in his life it wasn’t so bad. You’ve accepted being cheated on now either actually and genuinely move on, or establish dignity and boundaries and cut it off.
I can’t overstate that once you took him back and are now on surveillance mode you sound miserable and this situation for both of you is bad. Don’t do something you’ll regret but you won’t regret moving on. Before you found out the didn’t care about your physical, emotional and mental health. Sadly this is the time you caught him, but likely he’s done this before you found out.
Let him and the situation go.
My friends father cheated on her mother when they were going through a rough patch, the mother never found out. He never cheated again and they are still happily married.
I have heard couples work through it but I’ve also heard so many stories of men cheating again a few months down the line.
I can’t tell you what to do
I was also cheated on by someone who saw how it tears people apart. I tried to stay until I asked myself “What could he realistically do to make this better?” I didn’t want him to cut out women because that’s not fair. I didn’t want him to surrender his phone every time like he’s in prison and I’m some warden. I didn’t want him to only go to work and come straight back home and only go places with me because now I feel like some weird probation officer. Even if I thought those were reasonable things (which I don’t) the next question would be “how long would this have to go on until I felt comfortable?” I couldn’t answer that either.
We all have our definitions, ideas, and interpretations of what love is. For me, love can’t exist without trust and respect. My ex-disrespected me by cheating and that blew up trust. I left.
This last one didn’t cheat but he put my life in danger (whole fucking story) and took away my ability to make an informed decision. That was disrespectful and it broke my trust. I tried to stay but realistically what could he do to make it better? The apology wasn’t enough. The understanding wasn’t enough. Me bringing it up pained him and he felt like I was “holding it over his head”. He eventually thought I should have “moved on from it by now” which no one gets to dictate that. My love for him changed that day and I tried but after a year of trying, I just ended it and realized that it wasn’t my job to fix something he willingly and selfishly broke.
Hopefully this helps give you some perspective.
I am a 40m. I was with my daughter’s’ mom for 9yrs. She was 14yrs my senior.
Once I cheated on her the first time, the 2nd time wasn’t any different. 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc. I always justified it as 5, 6, 7, what does it even matter after the first? I came from a very toxic family that knew and supported my behaviors.
When I met my wife, she was originally going to just be another on that list but she was special. Her husband had JUST left in the middle of the night and one night while we were hanging out, she said to me… “your daughters are going to grow up to want to date and marry someone just like you. Are you the person you would want them to be with?”
I ended my relationship with their mother the following day. My wife and I were married 2yrs later and have now been together 10.
I would NEVER do that to her as the relationship we have built is far beyond anything I ever understood when I was younger. I am also more attracted to my wife than anything else I have ever experienced. Her scent drives me insane…
With that being said, you will never get past that trust issue, and for good reason. Remember, whatever path you choose, it’s for YOUR mental health and well being. While he may change, if you can’t trust him, then you are the one who has to suffer. Additionally, it’s important to understand that while you have learned a lot from this, you can’t go into your next relationship expecting the same. Don’t carry this baggage into another relationship where you constantly feel the need to check, double check, etc. Speaking from experience here, that was a hard habit for me to break after I was cheated on prior to the relationship with my daughters’ mom.
I don’t think this is the type of cheating incident that can be forgiven.
I think some can be worked through, but not this.
First, it clearly wasn’t like a moment of weakness on his part with someone he had known for a while. Even that is super sketch, but is less bold and premeditated than what you’re describing.
You were right there. He reached out to a random girl on reddit. It was very intentional and premeditated. If he hadn’t been caught, he’d continue doing it. For all you know, he had done it before. I find it very unlikely that a guy in a relationship for three years just out of the blue decides to cheat through a reddit hookup posting.
I haven’t been in this situation, but something that strikes me is the nature of his cheating. It wasn’t like you two were going through a terrible time or that there was an issue of constant proximity to someone and him slipping. He went out of his way to initiate this through Reddit of all places. Zero consideration for what this would do to you so he could get his but off.
I’m sorry, but he’s a dog. He has zero self control.
He’ll do what people like this do, he’ll say all the right things until you are comfortable and then he’ll do it again.
I don’t know him, but people like this all so predictable. His character is flawed and I doubt he’s going to do a 180.
Nope. I stupidly wasted years of my life because I didn’t have the backbone to do what was necessary. Every time his phone lit up my heart sank. EVERY TIME. Didn’t matter if it was work, a friend, candy crush, whatever… it made me uneasy because I knew at the back of my mind there was something going on.
My intuition was right all along and he never stopped after he swore up and down, begged, pleaded, and literally threw a tantrum like a child that he would change. That kind of betrayal cuts deep. Think about the scope of the effort involved to cover his tracks. The need to come up with a lie. The deliberate actions needed to meet up.
Once you come to terms with all of that, you’ll never be able to look at him without your stomach churning.
You “ask” for a breakup? You’re asking a cheater? No. Just no. Make a decision for you, then tell him what you’ve decided. If you stay with him, you need therapy and couples counseling. If you leave since there is no rebuilding trust fully after a betrayal, then you need therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so poor that you “ask” the cheater who betrayed you for permission to break up.
Trying hard or love bombing?
Did he ever figure out why he so easily cheated on you with a random internet hook up?
I think not knowing the answer to this would cause me to spin out.
Has he done therapy? Does he need a certified sex therapist?
I’m in a similar boat as you. I’m nearing the first year anniversary of the discovery of the affair my partner of five years was having with one of his close friends. Only his affair went on for our entire relationship and he always lied to me about their history. He moved out and has done serious work on himself and I see the change, I believe it. But I don’t know if I forgive him.
I did try to forgive my ex husband, worked on regaining trust. He always became everything I wanted for a while after he cheated – it never lasted. Ultimately he kept cheating… just got smarter about it.
The me I am now, wouldn’t tolerate it again. If I’m cheated on, I leave. That’s my boundary. Actions have consequences.
Nah, you’ll be paranoid and hyper vigilant for the rest of the relationship. Why be miserable?
No. It just got worse.
You don’t need to “ask” to break up with someone, just break up with them. Don’t stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you and would hurt you in such a way. Plus relationships should make you feel happy and safe, they should add to your life. This relationship isn’t doing any of that. There’s no good reason to stay with this liar and cheater.
Be honest with him. You don’t like the person you are with him. The one he helped create. Tell him you deserve peace and you don’t think you’ll ever have that with him.
You tried your best and it’s not working. He needs to let you go to start fresh and heal.
You can only trust if they do the work to understand why they were driven to do that in the first place. And it does not sound like he has done that work, only changed his outward behaviour to look like a changed boy. Of course you don’t trust that, because you thought you were good before, and he cheated on you, and only for sex. Good behaviour means nothing after that, because the second you relax, they do it again because they know they can get away with it.
If he does the work, then trust. But the time to start doing that work was April 2024. Your boyfriend has not, and will not do the work. He’ll only ever play nice and only until you let your guard down again. The best time to break up was then. The next best time is now. Gain your peace of mind back.
Birds sing, fish swim and cheaters cheat! Trust is the platform for a relationship and without it it won’t work.
No.
He’s not your husband. I’d walk.