Title says it. My (32f) husband (43m) was my best friend for five years before we started dating. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 6. I was so young when we got married, and feel like I’ve changed so much, yet I feel invisible and tired.
The friendship is still there. I like talking to him, we have similar interests. We are comfortable with each other, and know each other super well.
We had our son 18 months ago. I started to feel a change right after he was born. My husband is an absolutely wonderful father. So attentive to our son, and I’m proud of him because he didn’t have the best childhood.
Before and during our attempts to get pregnant, sex has been an issue. My drive is significantly higher than his. I have asked him to work on this, we’ve gotten professional help, and tried so many strategies. Nothing has made this improve.
Additionally, he is on the spectrum and struggles with lots of things. Before our son, I had the time and space to help him process what he needed to. Now that our son is here, I do not have the patience for his short temper and lack of emotional engagement. I work in a field that I take care of other people all day, and when I come home, I would love for someone to take care of me. Not like – do all the chores – but check in and say, “how’s it going”?
I have asked and pleaded for him to try and see things from my perspective on the importance of finding time to prioritize us. He says he absolutely will every time, and then less than 3 days later, back to the same old. We are truly just roommates, and I am tired of trying to advocate for my own needs. I feel so very lonely in this marriage.
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I would try non-monogamy prior to dissolution of the marriage at this important time in the child’s life. If you’re great partners but need more sex, and he is not willing to give it, I see exploration as a viable option.
As a woman in her 40s, the sex things is unlikely to get better. He’s on the down slope of his sex drive and you are on the upswing of yours. For sure speak with him, but recognize that the age gap may continue to be a problem. You were so young when you met and he was a fully formed man so it’s understandable that you have changed. And as far as the autism I find that whatever struggles you have pre kids are generally a lot more challenging post kids.
> was my best friend for five years before we started dating. We’ve been together for 8 years
That math is not in his favor…
Now that you’ve fully grown up you realize this isn’t the kind of relationship you want and that’s completely fair.
If he’s not showing the ability to change and you don’t think counseling would help, I do think it’s time.
Just throwing out a different perspective. First baby, and only 18 months ago. This is a massive life change and can be a very challenging time in a marriage, and a challenging adjustment for men and especially for women. Consider whether now, while in the trenches of this challenging time of parenting a baby and trying to make careers and marriage work, is the right time to make a massive decision. Something to think about…
I don’t mean this in a rude way but .. have YOU tried to come up with things for you to both do to spend time together? Plan a date day .. why are you feeling lonely ? Is he distracted by work, electronics, or is there just a lack of connection? If this happened after the baby perhaps time, and hormones could be the culprit .
Take some time and plan a date day for you 2 if you can to help you both re connect
In my experience, the feeling of discomfort will just increase. I was 33 when I called time on an 11 year relationship with a man who was, like yours, a nice guy and a good friend, but not a lover and not someone that I ultimately wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I mean this with a lot of sympathy but it sounds like you’ve been framing this as a long time as him being the problem. He likely won’t change that much. Maybe some, but slowly. That said, have you done therapy for yourself? If nothing else, that may be a good place to figure this out. But I also mention it because if you have a tendency to take care of others, some the burnout you’re feeling could be your own thing – I say this because I sometimes feel similar but have found that to some extent it’s related to my own difficulties in identifying and asking for what I need. Like sometimes when I want my partner to ask how my day was it’s because I’m actually pretty bad at just telling her. Where’s for her as someone neurodivergent she just tells me how she feels – which is honestly great, but since I’m bad at setting limits I sometimes end up feeling overwhelmed.
I don’t know. But something about the way you set this up as your partner being the one who needs to change stood out to me – I’ve done that too, both in bad relationships where it was a sign I needed to leave and in good ones where it’s been a sign that I was resisting working on myself in ways I didn’t even realize I needed. Which is all just to say, I love therapy and recommend it 🙂
I’m not trying to belabor the age gap thing, but I just wanted to add my own anecdotal experience: I had a similar gap with my ex and during our marriage and even after our relationship ended, I didn’t think that he had groomed me.
But after gaining some distance from the situation…I now absolutely see that he did. Maybe not overtly, but covertly- he wanted someone who was not a full fledged adult and didn’t know their own mind.
I’m not saying that’s what happened here, but just food for thought. Everything had to be his way. I had to avoid provoking his triggers. Etc.
You mentioned that he’s on the spectrum. Does he struggle with change of routines? Does he have any depression, anxiety, or other mental health struggles? My husband struggles with change of routines and has mental health struggles, and with the exhaustion of parenthood, it was hard for us to properly work on our relationship until past the 18 months mark.
And yes my husband used to have the problem of saying he will change after I talk to him, and 3 days later it’s back to how it was before. It was frustrating. Yes, I also felt like I had time to help him process things before we had a kid, and found myself thinking that I needed him to do it on his own now that I had no time to do that.
And yes I have the higher libido too since I was pregnant and was sexually frustrated. It took a lot of work for us to get back into being intimate (by working with a counsellor and also doing work on our own) and now sex and communication is even better than before (we’ve been together 20 years).
Unpopular advice, but I would give it some time before deciding on ending the marriage now. You both have a young baby to care for, maybe he just needs a bit more time than most neurotypical men to work on being a father and a husband at the same time.
Try to gently find out what exactly is the problem he’s facing when it comes to sex? Is he still into you? Does your pleasure and happiness matter to him? Do the love languages test and see how can each other’s cup be filled. Work on removing blockages like resentment and be truly good with each other on a non-sexual level. All these things take time, so maybe spend more time with your vibrator while that’s being sorted out, so you can talk and think things through with a clear head.
I will say having a kid puts a lot of stress on a relationship. Especially because a kid takes priority before your own needs and I feel the same way currently. I would say try a proper marriage/ couples council instead of asking reddit. I feel like there is an overwhelming amount of women in this subreddit are in unhappy relationships, or no relationships so your responses are going to be skewed. But as someone going through something similar, I’m hoping that once our kid grows up to a point we can find time to spend with each other more like we used to and that ‘roommate feeling’ was just a phase. Otherwise communication is important and my husband goes to therapy to help with his mental health issues which helps out a lot. Good luck.
I’d advise you to sit him down and announce first how serious this conversation you need to have is. Tell him you are unhappy and tell him what exactly is making you unhappy. Go to couples therapy. Give him a chance to make changes. Give your relationship a chance to work itself out. Being a single mom is hard. Dating blows. If you can work things out, then try. But he deserves to know where you are at, what is bothering you and he deserves that space to try and change.
Baby you’re a victim
I am going to recommend therapy for you. You started dating well into your 20’s when you were an adult. People have friendships of all ages and sometimes they blossom into something more.
Therapy can help you with this new postpartum part of your time and help you see your husband as more than the great father and also the great husband.
You are also at the not fun part of motherhood and marriage where a lot of things are stressful for everyone. You married someone on the spectrum and now it is time for therapy and to learn and grow together.
It seems like there’s some love here. And it’s great that he’s an engaged father. But you’re stuck doing a lot of emotional labour. This is a tough season of a marriage—dealing with a toddler. Three options I can think of:
Can you set up an “automated process” to build in some couple time? Grandma (or a teen babysitter) comes over every (Thursday? Friday?) evening. You and hubby go to a restaurant together (maybe alternate food choices? Or alternate hobby things?) Build in a chance to connect as adults. I know this is labour for you, but also then you’ll have this to look forward to every week. Even if the person can’t do it for a long chunk, even if it’s just a 30 minute walk for you and hubby, that could be helpful! Plus it’s structured for him too.
One person will never be able to meet all our needs, even if they are our one true love. Can you get some of these needs met by a sibling or a friend? When we have kids it’s easy to neglect friendships … If that doesn’t feel right to you, examine why. (It’s a key thing to reflect on, especially if you’re considering ending your marriage.)
If all this seems like too much … maybe some counselling. Maybe hubby needs some therapy strategies to deal with his temper. Or maybe separation is in the cards.
Anyways, food for thought … hope this is helpful for where you’re at!
Read the title and nothing else:
Yes it’s time.
if you’re asking the question the answer is yes
These just seem like normal marriage issues with a baby at home. What am I missing?
I don’t think you should leave
I think you should write a list of 3 things that you like that have nothing you do with you husband or your baby at all. And then just find a little time to daydream about them and hope about them …and see what happens…
Follow your dreams and what you want and see who sticks it out for a ride on your rocket to where your going. Reading what I have, your a badass chick, smart , a great mom, and going to go far in life so I wouldn’t worry about being held back whether he’s in your life or not. Either way you’re gonna be successful and happy someway
Yes, but you don’t groom a 19 year old yes they are considered naive at that age, but they are legal adults. Does it make my husband a groomer because he started to date me at 20. I mean, it’s only a year older. I had a pretty good sense of what I wanted at the age of 18. I was not as impressionable as, say, someone in their early teens to about 17. 18 is iffy but by 19 unless sheltered you know how to take care of yourself. Yes, their is a learning curve and some do better than others depends on parents, beliefs, ect. You take a Mormon of that age I would say they are too young because they were brain washed than say someone that prepared their children to live on their own which I was by the age of 17.
Has he tried trt?
“He says he absolutely will every time, and then less than 3 days later, back to the same old.”
I’m sorry I know this feeling ;/ either something is bothering him or stressing him out where he can’t show up in this way or he’s simply incapable
I think it might be time if he’s incapable