After a couple of weeks of staying with some of my family (my stepmom and siblings), I asked my stepmom to give me my birth certificate. I wanted to keep my documents with me back home in case of emergency.
As she opened the folder where she keeps my papers, I noticed there was about 4 copies of it, my high school diploma, some vaccines records, and other personal papers.
She was handling the folder and going through them, and if i asked for one she would think a little and then hand it to me. Or ask, “oh, you need this?” and hand it then.
I managed to get a little courage (she has always intimidated me. The years I lived with her and my dad and siblings I always felt and was made to feel like the odd one out. During the good times, they did welcome me somewhat, on bad times I’d feel unwanted and like a visiting, unwanted nuisance.)
So after I get this courage, I asked ger calmly to give me everything. All my papers. She wanted to keep 1 copy. I said I’d take them all.
New edit: I also noticed by then she was keeping 2 copies of my naturalization paper (citizenship paper) to the side and out of the folder. It felt like she wanted to keep those too? I took them as well. (End edit)
She got really emotional and, in our language, she said the equivalent of I’m being stingy or I’m skimping on her. I stayed calm and explained I just want to keep my papers and that I and my husband agreed to bring back home our documents and put them together.
She raised her voice, sounded very upset, and like she was about to cry. My hands were shaking cuz she lowkey scares me but I stayed calm and I said I hear her but I’m still taking them.
She’s more upset, so My sister, her kid, intervened. My stepmom said I must think she wants to do something bad with it. I said no. My sister explained that it’s mine and asked why she needs my birth certificate and she said she could need it for:
-in case she divorces my dad for whatever paperwork there might be
– if my dad dies and the house they live in needs to be split between the kids (as far as I know, I was never part of this equation. I never lived in this house. I’m pretty sure that’s their house and my dad doesn’t even live here anymore because they had a huge fight).
Part of me kept pushing, though firmly and calmly, because I don’t want anyone to have my documents and because I felt that I should push myself to stand up to her for what I think is mine.
In the end she said something like “Fine, take it all. I don’t want anything! But if we need something for paperwork we won’t have it!”
Anyway she’s very upset, I’m scared, and she’s my ride to the airport tomorrow, lol.
TLDR: I asked my stepmom to give me all copies of my birth certificate and she is upset because I won’t let her keep 1 copy.
Edit: typos, more detail
AITA?
Comments
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After a couple of weeks of staying with some of my family (my stepmom and siblings), I asked my stepmom to give me my birth certificate. I wanted to keep my documents with me back home in case of emergency.
As she opened the folder where she keeps everything, I noticed there was about 4 copies of it, my high school diploma, some vaccines records, and other personal papers.
She was handling the folder and going through them, and of i asked for one she would think a little and then hand it to me. Or ask, “oh, you need this?” and hand it then.
I managed to get a little courage (she has always intimidated me. The years I lived with her and my dad and siblings I always felt and was made to feel like the odd one out. During the good times, they did welcome me somewhat, on bad times I’d feel unwanted and like a visiting, unwanted nuisance.)
So after I get this courage, I asked ger calmly to give me everything. All my papers. She wanted to keep 1 copy. I said I’d take them all.
She got really emotional and, in our language, she said the equivalent of I’m being stingy or I’m skimping on her. I stayed calm and explained I just want to keep my papers and that I and my husband agreed to bring back home our documents and put them together.
She raised her voice, sounded very upset, and like she was about to cry. My hands were shaking cuz she lowkey scares me but I stayed calm and I said I hear her but I’m still taking them.
My sister, her kid, intervened. My stepmom said I must think she wants to do something bad with it. I said no. My sister explained that it’s mine and asked why she needs my birth certificate and she said she could need it for:
-in case she divorces my dad for whatever paperwork there might be
Part of me kept pushing, though firmly and calmly, because I don’t want anyone to have my documents and because I felt that I should push myself to stand up to her for what I think is mine.
Anyway she’s very upset, I’m scared, and she’s ride to the airport tomorrow, lol.
TLDR: I asked my stepmom to give me all copies of my birth certificate and she is upset because I won’t let her keep 1 copy.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kept pushing to keep all my copies. It might make me an asshole bc in the end I guess I don’t need them all and could have left one even if I don’t feel comfortable doing so.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, there is no need, even in her examples for HER to have a copy.
NTA. I don’t see why she’d need your birth certificate for a divorce involving the house regardless.
NTA. There’s no valid reason for your stepmom to keep a copy of any of your paperwork.
If she had a valid reason to keep a spare, she could get a copy from the health department. Unfortunately for her, only bio and adoptive parents are entitled to it, not step parents.
And since your sister mentioned her maliciously using it, that is absolutely a valid concern. With a birth certificate alone, she can get a new social security card. With those two documents, just about anything can happen, even getting a new state-issued ID in your name.
NTA. I don’t know why she had such a strange reaction but it sounds like there’s an opportunity to do some relationship repair here (if you want to).
Maybe reassure her that you appreciate her taking care of them for you until you grew up and could handle it on your own. Let her know that you’ve learned from her example of keeping things organized and now you feel confident you can take good care of everything.
Congratulations on setting a boundary. Ultimately she will respect you more for doing that and hopefully treat you better as she sees you won’t take her crap.
NTA. You’re an adult, you don’t reside with her, they are your papers. That says it all.
NTA. I can’t think of a single good reason why she would need to keep a copy. In any situation where she may for some reason need it, she would be able to contact you and discuss getting a copy then. I don’t see why she would need it in a divorce, you’re not her biological child and if anything she should not have access to it in case of a divorce. If your dad were to pass away and his estate had any issues, then it would be the lawyer who needs the birth certificate, if it’s even needed at all. In any of those situations you should be notified that your birth certificate is needed (assuming for the sake of argument it is) and so holding it would more likely lead to you not properly being notified. Not to mention, then you’d be relying on her to keep it safe.
The whole thing is weird. My mom wanted to hold onto my old social security card after I changed my last name and my original birth certificate for sentimental reasons. I said no. I trust my mom, but it’s still weird to request.
NAH ~ You sound very young. It’s important for you to claim your independence and power over your own life and the choices you make. Those are your important documents. You can’t even get a driver’s license without your birth certificate.
You don’t say how long she’s been in your life, but parents, even ones who don’t make you, still grow to love and care for the children they are charged with raising, greatly. It’s hard for them, having devoted so much of their lives to raising you, watching you grow up only to no longer need them at all, and not be kind enough to even pretend you do.
Letting go of kids when they’re ready to move on into young adulthood is hard for any parent, including step parents. Try a little to see her perspective and perhaps allow her a little grace. It sounds like she might actually love you. There are a lot of step kids not nearly so fortunate. You might try, if only to see how well she responds, and make it a little less difficult.
Jus Sayin ツ
NTA. As a stable adult, she had no reason to continue to hold onto your legal documents of any kind. She shouldn’t need them and if she did for any reason then she can simply reach out and ask and explain what for.
In my family, as soon as the kid is an adult and stable to be able to take care of their papers(meaning they have a place to live that isn’t a dorm and fire proof box for storage) then they get them from their parents or guardian. I held onto my brothers until he was 21 and had a stable place to live then I gave him all of his things(our mom and grandma passed away so I was given all our documents to hold onto until he was ready).
NTA but at least in the USA your birth certificate is not only your document. Because they can be needed for insurance and estate purposes a birth certificate can be obtained by 2-3 parties, the person born, the mother of record and if reported the father of record. So if she ends up with another one it was probably requested by your father.
NTA, there is no “Good” reason why she needs to keep a copy of your documents, but I would lock your credit down in case “you” recently took out any loans etc
I commented this on someone else’s comment, but it’s concerning that your stepmum wants a copy of your important documents. My own parents don’t even have a copy of my birth certificate and tax number, and I’m related to both of them.
Honestly, if I were you, I’d be checking my credit score with whatever companies look after that (I’m not from the US, assuming you live there, so im not sure who handles that) to make sure your stepmum hasn’t done anything dodgy there, and I would look at freezing it so she can’t take out credit in your name, and potentially screw up your credit score.
NTA
She never needs your paperwork.
My own mum doesn’t need my birth certificate now that I’m an adult!
NTA – Parents usually keep old pics and gifts from their kids. Most definitely not their ID papers once they are responsible enough to keep them. This is weird.
NTA She doesn’t need those papers now that you’re an adult. You need them.
NTA: This is her way of having some form of control or power over you. It isn’t about helping you or wanting to have it for a will, it is to hold it over your head in case you would need a copy. “You see I told you that I should have kept a copy, if not for me where would you be?” Either way keep her in check on EVERYTHING, you never know what else she has hidden around the house.
NTA. Is nothing more than a means of control. That it. A way to control you through documentation.
NTA ~ Take an Uber or taxi to the airport.
NTA why on earth would she need them? She’s not your mother, you’re an adult who is married and has moved out of home
NTA I’m 42 and I recently finally worked up the guts to ask my own parents for all of my childhood documents. There’s a lot for many reasons but I wanted them all as they are mine and I’m an adult now. I still feel like I didn’t get everything based on what’s in the papers but I’ll have to wait to work up the guts to ask if stuff might be missing. And my parents aren’t really even scary (to me). So just know that it can be hard even when the relationship isn’t contentious but you are always in the right to ask for your own important documents!
NTA. You need to immediately check your credit. It wouldn’t surprise me if you find a surprise there.
NTA
But you need to check on your finances. Nobody needs personal paperwork like that unless they are using it for something.
NTA. Her wanting to hold on to these documents is super weird considering you’re a married adult. Have you checked your credit consequently? Just b/c depending on the doc she has she could easily have opened cards in your name. I’m not saying she’s guilty, I’m just saying keep vigilant considering her reaction.
NTA, no logical reason for her to need these but I’m wondering if she has some kind of trauma or something because that’s a very strong reaction. For two very different examples; I had a friend who is an asylum seeker in my country, he never ever ever ever goes anywhere without his passport in his pocket because he managed to keep it with him the whole way from Iran and most of the people he traveled with lost all their documents/had them stolen along the way so ended up indefinitely stuck in detention.
Another friend of mine had her childhood home burn down in the black Saturday fires here in Aus so now she has a fireproof safe for her new documents and copies of her favourite photos despite now living in the city. (I guess house fires do still happen in the city but not many people I know have fireproof safes!)
At the end of the day, they’re yours not your step-mums I’m just trying to understand why she was so upset (unless she’s grifting like some others have suggested).
NTA
>But if we need something for paperwork we won’t have it!”
And if you need it for paperwork, what was the expectation? I’m assuming that it was expected for you to ask for the papers when you needed them for paperwork, why is that not a valid option for her? And do her parents still hold onto her papers? Doubtful.
So what’s the game? Does she like to feel like she has a level of control over you? Is she struggling with the idea of you being a grown adult(despite being married)? Or is it just a generic paranoia over her loved ones? Knowing the root will help you know how to address future issues
Take an Uber to the airport so you don’t need to go through her intimidation again tomorrow.
You are NTA. She’s trying to control you. They are your papers, end of story.
Ahh no NTA!! They are YOUR documents!!! How would she like it if you demanded copies of hers?
NTA
She doesn’t need your birth certificate, naturalization papers, Social Security numbers, vaccination records, or anything at all pertaining to you. Her wanting to keep them is very suspect