Never bonded with my pregnancies. Barely paid attention to my belly, felt movement maybe once per pregnancy and only at my insistence.
Never said or seemed proud of me or thankful/grateful for me having the babies, natural child birth, breastfeeding, being the one up with them at night, and still working. Has never acknowledged any sacrifices I’ve made, will only refer to them as choices. YOU CHOSE THIS
Didn’t stay with me the first night our first child was born.
Yelled at me to shut up said child when we were in horrible traffic. Child was very little. Can’t you shut him up!
Just examples of typical behavior
Did not have any formal sort of acknowledgment/celebration of life, no annual memorial, NOTHING when his dad died. Makes me feel like if I died he would be the same. Barely acknowledge it.
Does not ever express gratitude for this life. No joie de vivre. None. Disgruntled. Disappointed?
Often flinches from my kisses. Had mostly stopped doing this because I complained about it frequently. Kisses still very stiff, his eyes closed like it’s painful for him.
A recent example: Says to me, in front of friends, stop taking my stuff. It was the mail that he was holding while talking with a friend and I offered to take inside. embarrasses me. If I say how hurtful it is he calls me crazy, etc. doesn’t care that it hurts me.
Never mentions my accomplishments or praises me to anyone. No one even knows anything about me. I feel invisible. I do so much. So much. Work, kids, cook, clean, take classes to further my career, correspond with family, friends, have interesting (and completely free) hobbies, am frugal, not entitled, funny, friendly, kind, hardworking, humble, dependable, almost always cheerful (just by nature), always looking for the positive.
Does not take care of my heart
My heart hurts
No way to approach it with him. He gets defensive, MEAN
The not taking pictures, the not acknowledging the specialness of events big and small.
He is practical, a good provider, carries his load of housework, childcare, etc.
He is relatively progressive/liberal. Has always allowed me to “choose my own destiny” sort of thing. We had a pregnancy with a genetically poor prognosis / he did tell me that he supported whatever decision I made about that.
He is not selfish/weird about money. He is breadwinner and has pretty much always been “it’s our money.” Don’t have to ask to buy things, etc. but we are both pretty frugal.
He acknowledges how awful Trump is and how hard it must be to be a woman in this respect. He HAS acknowledged it, in a better moment. I’m sure he’d be a bit of an ass about it some of the time.
He is often very harsh verbally with our children. I can see that it affects them. We all shy from confrontation. I know it’s not good for them. It’s bordering on abusive. It’s not good. It seems better to let it go than confront. I think I’m scared to confront. We are often all on eggshells. I know if I took them away I would end up being the bad guy, at least in the short term. They would feel some relief but a lot of sad. They want to believe the best of their dad. Besides it wouldn’t be freeing them from this. He’d still have some custody. I just wouldn’t be there to buffer. I’m afraid my boys will be mad just like him. Angry men! I’m so tired of angry awful men.
Who is this man living in my house? I thought he was my best friend. Why do I betray myself to seek his approval? How do I hold on to this anger (I’m deeply angry but simply do not like being angry in every day life) long enough to make me stop being a wallflower and demanding better. How do I stay angry? I should be angry, but I feel so stupid because I just want to be happy and believe that he loves us. Loves me. How do I get away? I’ll be angry tonight and wake up tomorrow and just want peace. I’ll accept the tiniest olive branch to just feel loved. I’m a strong, opinionated, accomplished woman with little fear and no care what the world thinks of me but god if I can’t take a stand with this man.
Comments
I stopped reading because you already know the answer, I don’t even understand why you had not one but a few kids with that man.
I won’t judge because there’s nothing you can do to change the past, but you can now.
Also every story has 2 sides, so maybe try counseling first?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You know what you need to do. I wish you all the best in the world. You deserve better. This man has a personality disorder. He may be a sociopath.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t finish, but I tried to skim until the end.
He’s not who you thought he was. You’re not who you think you are. Men (angry or not) don’t fuck with true strong, opinionated women. Those women don’t give a damn about olive branches and won’t stick around bs like this. And by letting this continue, your children won’t be who you wish them to be.
You’re not angry because you’re tired. You’re not angry because you’re still in lalalove with his charismatic nature that pulled you in, and you want to believe in those microscopic glimpses of fulfilling romance instead of the grand pile of soul-sucking shit he actually is. You’re not angry because while you know what’s happening, there’s still something blocking you from the raw sudden truth that this relationship you’ve built your life and kids’ lives upon is vapor. You can see it, in the right light from certain angles, but it’s not much of anything.
You’re not angry because his control and manipulation has filed your claws down to the quick, and you’ve gotten comfortable with the delusion that not dealing with this appropriately will keep the peace. Maybe for him. But, one day, you’re either gonna break or snap if you keep this up, especially if you two are raising more of him inside your kids.
You’re gonna have to do some work, girl. Because he’s taken something from you. You even think you still have it, but you don’t.
Take it the fuck back.
And it doesn’t have to be anger. That’s another form of love that he doesn’t deserve. Self-respect, determination, and dignity can get a lot done even without emotion.
I didn’t even need to read the whole thing – you need to be making an exit plan. You deserve better and he seems like he’d rather be alone or not with you for whatever miserable reason.
Wouldn’t you want better for your own children if they were in this situation as adults?
Life is both too long and too short to be with someone who treats you and your children this way.
Get your affairs in order and speak to a divorce lawyer.
Holding onto anger will be difficult.
Hold onto the desire to be happy. Pursue your own happiness. Be relentless. It will be painful and uncomfortable and lonely at first. But anything that makes you unhappy – let it go from your life.
Imagine a real smile on your face that reaches your eyes. I bet you haven’t felt that for a long time. Hold onto the memory of it. Pursue the reality.
What do you want? What makes you happy?