Are past larger age gap relationships a red flag?

r/

I’m dating a guy right now and some of things he is saying are making me think things could be getting serious is the near future, we’ve been seeing each other for around 6 weeks.

On one of our earlier dates we had the obligatory talk about exes and he told me his last girlfriend was 12 years younger than him. I’m already 7 years younger (31f/38m). He told me they broke up because they wanted different things, but were still together like 4 years.

Basically just wondering how much of a red flag this is, this guy seems really sweet and lovely but I myself dated a 30 year old when I was 20 and now looking back I just feel its a bit icky? Trying to think well that was also years ago and maybe he was just a bit less mature back then or something…

Comments

  1. DotCottonCandy Avatar

    If they broke up recently they got together when he was 34 and she was 22 – that sort of gap in life experience weirds me out and I wouldn’t be interested in a man like that.

    It’s hilarious that he says they broke up because they wanted different things. Like, was that not predictable when you’re mid to late 30s and dating someone in their 20s? If nothing else, it shows he’s not that bright.

  2. kalamitykitten Avatar

    I’d say it’s a red flag if all or most of his previous relationships involve a significant age gap. In that case you have to think, why is he exclusively interested in much younger women?

    Otherwise, we’ve all kinda been there.

  3. Plugged_in_Baby Avatar

    Yes, it’s a red flag and would be an immediate ick for me. So he’s 38 and his last girlfriend was 26, and they actually started going out when she was 22 and he was 34? Yuck. What on earth did they have to talk about?

  4. mysaddestaccount Avatar

    It’s only a red flag if he grooms minors before they turn 18 or if he has actually like, dated anyone under 18 while he himself was over 18. Then he’s a sure-fire predator.

    7 years is nothing btw for true adults

  5. OtherwiseAnxiety200 Avatar

    I think it is, not everyone thinks so but if he has a pattern of going for younger women (especially under 26 – when your frontal lobe develops) I would be cautious

  6. lucid-delight Avatar

    I (34f) interact with people who are 20-23 on a fairly regular basis. They are lovely humans but they seem like such babies to me – not in a bad way, we’re just at different stages of life and maturity. I would feel so bad dating someone so young, it’s bound to make a lasting impression, they clearly look up to me and see me as more “experienced and mature” or whatever, and it would make the relationship super imbalanced.

    So for me, dating a 22yo in your mid 30s is a red flag. It’s not the age gap, it’s the maturity gap and the man’s utter ignorance of the maturity gap.

  7. lilgreenpotato Avatar

    12 years when you’re that young is a red flag.

    Think about it… She was 6 when he legally became an adult. She turned 18 when he was 30.

    Yuck

  8. EatsCrackers Avatar

    31 and 38 is whatever, but 34 (the oldest he could have been when he got with the young woman) and 22 (oldest she could have been) is big yikes. 33 and 21 is even bigger yikes. 32 and 20 is time to run screaming and never look back.

    It’s not about how many years are between them, I wouldn’t bat a single eyelash if a 53 year old and a 65 year old started dating, it’s about the stages in life and the inherent power imbalance when one person is “old enough to know better” and the other is still getting help from their parents to cover tuition and books.

    If that revelation isn’t a red flag, it’s certainly a deep, deep orange one. Tread carefully, OP! Let us know how it goes!

  9. Lizard_Li Avatar

    All I know is when I was early 30s I dated a 40M whose previous gf had been 26. They had a 4 year relationship as well. That man ended up being a huge mess. Huge.

  10. DogMom814 Avatar

    His circumstances would be a pretty big red flag for me.

  11. bebefinale Avatar

    31 and 38 is not a big deal.

    34 and 22 is kind of a bit eyebrow raising, no shit they wanted different things. But eh, life happens.

    The main thing to make sure is that he isn’t chronically immature and afraid of commitment. Some men his age don’t like dating women their age because making long term decisions like having kids is a now thing and not a someday thing.

  12. peachypeach13610 Avatar

    For me personally it does tend to be a red flag. All the guys I’ve met that have gone for far younger girls… had less than ideal reasons for it.